Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

That's very sad for you. Everything you thought your marriage and relationship was, isn't.

Why did he go to a hotel and not try to talk with you? Do you think he's gone running to the guy? He should have at least tried talking to you.

I'd be getting some std tests, then think about what YOU want and go from there.

I can't imagine how you're feeling. Your world has been shattered.

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

So sorry to read this. STD check if you’ve been having sex with him.
Tell someone in RL-you need someone to talk to.

I'm so sorry INCF I've been through almost the same 10 years ago after 30 years of marriage. It's hell.

Suggest you check out this helpful website straightpartnersanonymous.com/

I'm sorry too. Imagine it was a 20 year old woman and then it's obvious what you need to do.

So sad for you - there is no easy way out of this. If he is gay - and it sounds like he is - then there really isn't much of a future for your marriage. This is not your fault and he should have been a lot more honest a lot earlier. But the fact is the situation is what it is - how can you hope to compete with his male lover? See a solicitor and safeguard your financial interests, take advice on how to speak to your dc and find someone irl to confide in. And be kind to yourself - you've had the rug pulled out from under you in the most brutal way. find support where you can. However awful life seems right now things will slowly get better.

I’m so sorry, OP.💐

Unfortunately, I think AnyFucker is right, you need to end your marriage and get on with your life. He doesn’t deserve you,

As he’s out of the way, get all the financial info. together and seek legal advice ASAP.

He lied and cheated and now he’s being a coward and hiding.
Has he done anything like this before (that you know of).

What’s conflicting?
You deserve more than this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
He told his truth and abandoned ship. What a true coward he is.
Leaving you with the mess.
Don't doubt he has gone to his lover. Hence the unanswered calls.
Do you have a trusted friend to talk to in RL?
He is a cheat and a liar and you and your beautiful children deserve so much better.
Get cross. Get tested. Start making the plan. Take charge.
Good luck.

I’m sorry. What an incredibly hard thing to go through for you. No advice but here to hand hold.

I feel conflicted. I am worried about him he isn’t calling and I worry about his mental health.

I also feel like punching him in the face. I feel so angry that on top of being unfaithful to me he refuses to give me answers and has abandoned me with the DC one of which is about to go through the stresses of starting university.

With the STD test it’s not something I had thought about. But I guess it’s just another thing to worry about.

So, he's a liar, a cheat and a creepy old man. You are well rid if him.

Sorry OP

Conflicting emotions

Please don’t tell me you feel sorry for this adulterer.

Maybe he is gay, maybe he is bisexual. That doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he betrayed you.

He could have chosen to come clean about his sexuality, leave your marriage, and see what was out in the world. Instead, he chose the cowardly path.

It’s ok to angry at this man it really is. Do you have anyone you can speak to this about in real life?

Try to stay focused on what’s best for you and YOUR future as well. It’s unlikely that a “relationship“ with a 20-year-old will last ( it might crumble immediately now the truth is out) and he may come crawling back.

I wouldn’t take him back, OP. This is a massive betrayal and I do t see how you could ever trust him again.💐

Time to take control, op. Get a solicitor immediately, protect your money, and start gathering all of the financial documents you can get your hands on. I would not be allowing him to return to the home.

Ok take gender out of it

If he told you he’d been in a relationship with a twenty year old woman for months how would you react?

Taking gender in, He’s clearly either gay or bisexual. I’m not sure it matters past the initial shock. Were you still having sex?

The fact he told you then walked indicates this is very serious for him.

Are you trying to cling onto thr marriage? Is that your instinct?

Sorry OP. Your response, long term is going to have to be get tested, get angry, get yourself a good new life.

And tell him he has to tell the kids something.. he can't just disappear. He is their dad and he has to act like a parent, no matter what else in his life is confused. He cannot just opt out and leave it all to you.

Satrt as you will mean to go on...

Best of luck working through that. I hope you can get passed your initial feeling of embarrassment and talk to someone in real life!

Worrying about him won’t help you, even though it’s natural to do that.

He hasn’t been worrying about you, has he? He’s been lying and cheating. He needs to sort out his own mess while you get on with your life.

Sorry if I come across as angry, but I know someone this happened to IRL and her DH was such an arrogant dick about it. He now acts as if it never happened...but I’d never trust him even as a friend.

So sorry OP, what a terrible shock for you. But PPs are right - you must end this relationship immediately. Keep your dignity, try to remain calm in front of the kids, confide in a friend for real life support.

Get an STD test, start gathering financial documents etc, speak to a solicitor.

This is crap, but he leaves you with no choice. Your relationship as you knew it has gone forever. Don't accept a poor imitation

Dr, solicitor, bank.

I’m so sorry. Tell a friend/sibling if you have one that is kind and sensible.

You have every right to be incandescent with rage, disgusted, heartbroken, bereft. It's a terrible betrayal and then to abandon you and not even get in touch? What a complete coward. Too cowardly to tell you about the affair, too cowardly to face the music when he is caught.

Text him and say you are going to tell the children at the weekend, and if he is too gutless to come and face them, then they will only get your side of the story.

It is bound to be obvious he has left soon - you can't keep it secret for a whole term. So I think it's best to tell the children all together, quickly, and give the one going to uni a few weeks to adjust to the idea, without the stress of discovering whilst away from home at uni.

I would tell the children that he has had an affair and left. You can say it is a recent thing, as far as you know. You don't have to mention it was a young man the same age as his oldest kids (I mean, ewwwww it is just a horrible thought).

Just say the details aren't important but you want them to know that sometimes these things happen, it is not your fault or the kids fault, it was a choice he made on his own which has deeply hurt your feelings. But that you both love the kids and will do your best to keep life running as normally as possible.

If he wants to come out as gay or bi to the kids maybe that is a conversation he should have with them. After all, if he is going to be introducing them to his boyfriends around their age at some point, it will need a bit of explaining.

And you need to take care of you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's deeply upsetting, to find out the person you thought you knew is actually someone completely different.

The lie about the office-he's so desperate to see the other guy!

And he'd still be lying & not giving you another thought if he could.

Aren't you utterly disgusted by him?

I suppose at least he has told you the truth and not fed you some gaslighting bullshit about how he "just needed some me time" and gave himself a day off family once a week.

And that's the last faintly positive thing I have to say about this coward.

I suspect if it's been going on this long, there will have been other incidents over the years, with other men and/or women. So I would get sti tested ASAP, even if you haven't been having sex with him in the past 12 months. I don't know where you are, but my local health authority is sending out postal kits so you can self test at home with a swab and finger prick test. I posted mine on a Thursday and got results by email on the Monday. The kit arrives in a plain envelope so completely discreet.

I strongly suggest you get legal advice ASAP. Get your financial info while he's out of the way.

I also really encourage you to reach out to friends or family for help. There is no shame for you here - only for him. Really, you could just say "DH has been having an affair since last year and now he's been found out he's done a runner" - absolutely truthful and no need to mention right now the sex of the affair partner, if that's too much to bear right now.

Do your dc not ever phone or message their dad while he's away with work? That seems unusual to me and perhaps hints that he's never been fully engaged with the family.

Chin up OP. You can do this.

Oh, so he’s left without much explanation and for you to face up to the kids.
Cowardly fucker.