Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf. His time is very packed all the time. He is constantly doing stuff it’s been a point of contention for a long time in a relationship.

I'm sorry my love he's been shagging men, and hasn't given a stuff about you, even when it's been a point of contention.
His partner is younger than your eldest, no, he isn't a good Dad, he's the worst type of dad.
I hope you kick him out and take him for everything.
Get an std check asap. x

It’s bad timing for your DC about to start university, but there will never be a good time to tell them. Better now, than in 2 weeks time the day before your DC leaves. And if you don’t tell your DC before they go, then you might have to do it over the phone, or wait until the Xmas break, living a life of pretence and lies.

I’ve been in a different but similar situation to yourself, and decided to be totally open with my DC. It also wasn’t good timing, but in the long term I think it was the right thing to do as you have to be the parent that they can totally trust now.

Hugs OP. X

Lots of sympathy for you OP, what a shock.

Just to add a different perspective to some of the posts here. My parents are currently going through a separation after 32 years married. I'm in my late 20s with my own life, house, family etc. so in a very different position to your DC who are younger and will be more directly impacted by a divorce.
In my parents case it turned out my DF had been having an affair for the last 3 years with a woman in her early 30s. I don't want to give much detail because it would be very outing but over the last year it's been on again off again between my parents and for me it's been incredibly difficult to deal with smashed windows and screaming matches one day and then pretending everything is fine and not talking about it at all the next. FWIW I think they should divorce so it's not about me wanting them to stay together. So whilst my mum has wanted to keep me informed at all times about the situation I really wish they had kept me in the dark for a bit longer and stopped with the daily updates when they change their minds about what they want. It's still really early days for you and whilst personally I think it sounds like your marriage is over, please consider that it is very rare that you will be able to walk away quickly and easily, and that there may well be periods where you and your DH consider making it work, and the instability of that could be really damaging for your children to cope with. So I'm not saying don't tell them, but I would highly recommend just telling them that it's a trial separation at this stage, which gives you both room to work things out yourselves without having to then keep updating them as your own feelings on it all develop. Also make sure you tell them with both you and DH there, and above all else making sure they know you are both committed to being the best parents you can be whether together or as two individuals.

If you found out that your young gay Ds was sleeping with a man 26 years his senior, that was a married man, closet gay, You'd be furious. It's an abuse of power, like Philip schofield and the runner that was obsessed with him. Yuk!

I‘m so sorry OP. Your life has been broken apart by this selfish, cheating man.

Please focus on taking care of yourself. He doesn’t deserve your concern or consideration. Get a shit hot lawyer, secure your finances and take him to the cleaners. Kick him out and never look back. I wonder how long his young friend would stick around then.

"I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. "

I know this is a big shock and you are hurting but please stop lying to your kids.

Is he a sugar daddy?

That was my question too. I would check bank accounts OP.

I'd say the same if a midde aged man was shagging a 20 year old female student.

Have you told anybody in real life OP? Friends? Family? You need support. You shouldn’t have to face this alone. Your kids have you and he needs to be honest with all of you. Are you sure you should let him speak to the kids before you speak to him? With his history of lying and deceit can he be trusted to do it the right way

@INCForThis123 as sad and hard as this is for you, unfair and painful, I agree with your worry about your DH's mental health.

The sheer fact that he admitted that he has an affair with another man, it must have been on his mind for a long time.

You say your oldest is 21. If deep down he always knew, 20ish years ago, how likely was he to come out in the society and what would the consequences been like?

I'd have a frank discussion with him, about how long he has been feeling like this, what you both would like to do, how to tell the kids and all that.

I will be in the minority here but it's not him running off with a 20yo secretary. It's him admitting something he has probably bottled up since teen years. He cheated, but it's in my eyes somewhat different.

@ZooKeeper19. I hear what you’re saying, but 20 years ago was 2000 and I knew plenty of openly gay people then ( I’m also 46). People were openly gay when I was in the sixth form in the early 1990’s, it wasn’t a taboo.

So if he knew/suspected he was gay or bi back then, he should’ve told the OP so she could decide whether she wanted to pursue a relationship and have a family with him.

He isn't a good df. Or he would have been honest with you about his sexuality.. He has risked your sexual and mental health. Yabu to keep his dirty secret from the dc. He opted to spend time he could have been with his family for a shag.
They need full facts to make their own decisions about how their relationship moves forward.

Sorry but I do think he is a good dad. He does really love the DC. He would die for them without a doubt.

But that doesn’t mean he is not a selfish fucker and cheater and a liar.

DD will have to be told before she goes to Uni. She is going to a university in London and whilst she plans to live in halls we are only 50mins away so I expect her to be back every few weeks. So I doubt I can conceal it to her.

I also need DH to help with the move into her halls as I don’t drive.

I'm so sorry OP. Tbh i'd have a little more sympathy if DH cheated on me with a man, only because of the possible sexuality struggles. I'd still leave him, it's still infidelity. Stay strong

Sorry but I do think he is a good dad. He does really love the DC. He would die for them without a doubt.
But he won't stay faithful to their mother. He didn't just cheat on you, he cheated on them. He's not who any of you thought he was. I'm so sorry you're going through this

@Lifeisabeach09 I would have both!😍

Awful for you. Stop worrying about him, and look after yourself.
That is despicable thing to do to you and his children.

So he is gay. He has always been gay but chose to marry a woman and have children instead.

He has put your health at risk too.

Not a very nice person at all. I am sorry x

@Devlesko

He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf. His time is very packed all the time. He is constantly doing stuff it’s been a point of contention for a long time in a relationship.

I'm sorry my love he's been shagging men, and hasn't given a stuff about you, even when it's been a point of contention.
His partner is younger than your eldest, no, he isn't a good Dad, he's the worst type of dad.
I hope you kick him out and take him for everything.
Get an std check asap. x

All of this.

I'm so sorry. Its a bloody awful situation hes put you in, but you're understandably still in denial.

Hes been having affairs, hes still having affairs, Hes probably still at it right now. Why do you think hes holed up in a hotel not responding to your calls?

Get an STD check and a good lawyer and start living your life fully, openly and honestly.

Ugh sorry OP that's a horrible shock, and the age of your DH's lover gives me the absolute icks. Younger than his oldest child .

Agree with the PP who said that lying to your children about this is really not ok and is probably giving them more stress. They're not babies, they'll have worked out that something's up. Your DH suddenly vanishes, you give vague excuses about work abroad while looking a bit shattered and lying about being 'under the weather'. They must suspect something. Please just tell them.

Sadly there are a fair number of married with kids men who have sex with men.
It does seem dishonest...They should tell their wives, but that would mean the end of the marriage in most cases...So they carry on.

That is a huge age gap...Sheesh.

So sorry, OP.

He hasn’t even shown any remorse. He just ran away like a coward and doesn’t deserve your cover. I’m so sorry OP, this is horrific. Like others have said, please get yourself tested for all the STIs and he needs to tell the children what he’s done, how he lied about working in the city to have an affair with a young lad. He’s lied to you in the worst possible way, but he needs to be honest with all his DC. Even the youngest.

[quote AmICrazyorWhat2]@ZooKeeper19. I hear what you’re saying, but 20 years ago was 2000 and I knew plenty of openly gay people then ( I’m also 46). People were openly gay when I was in the sixth form in the early 1990’s, it wasn’t a taboo.

So if he knew/suspected he was gay or bi back then, he should’ve told the OP so she could decide whether she wanted to pursue a relationship and have a family with him.[/quote]
I've known openly gay/Bi people from the 1970s onwards. People from ultra religious backgrounds may hide it, but I agree it's not the norm to do so.

I also agree he should have made his sexuality clear to OP.