Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

Yes focus on the betrayal, deceit, lies, cheating etc.

Gender and age are irrelevant and for your DCs generation are likely to be less dramatic than you think.

You have your head screwed on. You have made some good decisions - the most important is getting it out in RL. From then on it will take on its own momentum - so keep yourself and your DCs MH/emotional stability front of mind. It might take many months for them to feel the pain.

Good luck OP you sound lovely and I believe you’re going to come through this, whilst demonstrating to your children how an actual adult deals with pain and problems —unlike your husband—

F

[quote ZooKeeper19]@INCForThis123 as sad and hard as this is for you, unfair and painful, I agree with your worry about your DH's mental health.

The sheer fact that he admitted that he has an affair with another man, it must have been on his mind for a long time.

You say your oldest is 21. If deep down he always knew, 20ish years ago, how likely was he to come out in the society and what would the consequences been like?

I'd have a frank discussion with him, about how long he has been feeling like this, what you both would like to do, how to tell the kids and all that.

I will be in the minority here but it's not him running off with a 20yo secretary. It's him admitting something he has probably bottled up since teen years. He cheated, but it's in my eyes somewhat different.[/quote]
He would have been fine coming out in 2000....and if he was too afraid to do that and be true to his sexuality then he should have stayed single.

He also didn't just 'admit' something he has bottled up since his teen years...he has been cheating. He hasn't just admitted he's always been gay but didn't act on it.

And yes it's different to cheating with a 20 year old secretary, it's worse in my eyes because their whole marriage was a lie. How dare lie to someone throughout their whole relationship and use them in that way?

OP, you need to protect yourself and your children. Copy bank statements, payslips, everything you can find. Get yourself a really good lawyer. The divorce settlement you get now will make a massive difference to your standard of living and that of your children. Don't make the mistake of thinking he will be fair, or that he is your friend or on your side. You might well get a better agreement if you act quickly while he is feeling guilty - he'll get over that soon enough so move fast. And don't tell him you are talking to lawyers or preparing to divorce him.

Wow OP. You are doing brilliantly. Keep a calm head, look after your own interests and those of your children (don't hold back due to concerns about the impact of his coming out on him - the cheating is his issue and he has behaved shamefully) and best of luck

I have a DD going to Uni in a couple of weeks and I would absolutely not put her through the pain of this time in her life.

She's already had what your DD has gone through this year with the cancelled exams...the mess around with results..then tbe cancellation of the traditional freshers week.

Leaving home and living in halls is already a big life change, without having to have the burden of this. I just can't imagine my DD leaving home knowing her fast was cheating...much less with a man 2 years older than her.

I've just seen you've told your DD18... I hope she'll be fine. Most universities have a counsellor if she feels like she would need some support.

INCForThis123 - stay strong, you've done nothing wrong. I'm going to take a slightly opposite view here with regards to lawyers/divorce etc. You are not in the wrong and (until he dropped this bombshell) were not planning to separate/divorce - do not pay a penny out to a solicitor unless you absolutely have to. I assume he wants to leave, if so, and therefore, let him bear the burden of the legal costs.

Bless you OP. You are handling this in. Very dignified manner x

💐 @INCForThis123 Look after yourself and your kids.

You really don’t deserve this treatment ..... he’s a coward if he’s disappeared and left you with the mess. You will survive - it will be horrid for a while - but please, please don’t carry his shame . You are not the first woman to be betrayed and sadly you won’t be the last. If you have a trusted friend or family member, tell them ! You have nothing to be embarrassed about and you will need support. Best of luck .

Mental health my hole, he is a liar and a cheat and he has pissed off to a hotel while you deal with the fall out. When my best friend found out her dh was cheating on her it was so out of character for him she was terrified that he was having some sort of mental break down. Then she found out about the years of massage parlours, prostitutes and affairs.

Yuck...20 year old lad... Your marriage is over

@INCForThis123

Once again everyone. Some of the messages have been really useful.

I have a clear plan on what to do. I think I cannot protect my kids from it but I keep telling myself that this happens to many people and many families.

Whilst the circumstances here are clearly more dramatic and unusual. I have to remind myself that in many ways it’s still the classic infidelity and separation that happens to so many.

Good mindset. It will help you feel less alone. Brene Brown says how shame isolates us.

@SandyY2K

To be honest, I think that OP was right to say something to her DD. And I was a more vulnerable teen than many, mental health wise. If I had seen my mum crying around the house, I might have come to worse conclusions than a gay affair (eg my mum's health) and would have driven myself mad worrying. Probably best not to imply that OP is messing her daughter up - it's not kind.

You’re handling this so well OP

Op - I am a year on from you, in a different situation but one that still involved adultery, deceit and a double life. My DC are a similar age to yours, and they are doing fine, and me and the DC have bonded more as a family unit. I’ve encouraged them to have a relationship with their dad, which helps them too, and I don’t speak badly about him to them, and I’ve left it up to them to make their own decisions about him. I’ve had counselling which was really helpful, and I recommend you do too.

@AnyFucker

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

I know you think you're Queen Bee/too cool for school around here by being so ''direct'', but I find that message just came off as distasteful and unpleasant.

OP, I'm sorry. I think that at this early stage it would be normal to be feeling conflicted. I wish you well.

Terrible. So sorry for you OP.
You have every right to feel absolute fury. This is very emotional.

Speak to your solicitor asap.

he’s gay. straight men don’t have sex with other men.

i’m so sorry this has happened to you.

while he’s feeling guilty i’d crack on with a divorce and get what you can. i’d probably black mail him too. i’ll get pulled apart for that on here but fuck it.

I’m so sorry.
My Dad cheated on my Mum with a much younger man when we were teens . I was annoyed that she told me he was gay and not him. I wasn’t annoyed about him being gay. In fact, our relationship really started when he came out and we couldn’t be closer. He also worked in the city and we barely saw him. What I’m trying to say is, the kids will be alright. They will he even more alright if he’s honest with them and himself about who he is.
And you need to grieve the loss of your marriage. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, but most don’t and you’re young and have years of laughter and romance ahead of you. It’ll be ok

No doubt this has been going on throughout your married life and by saying he was staying over in town due to pressure of work he managed to live his double life undetected.
He is homosexual and I am sure he did not manage to suppress his sexuality throughout your marriage. Sometimes we know something is wrong and it is only when the penny drops at a later date you realise you had been aware at some level that things were not right.
Be strong. 💐

Gosh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's all just awful, but the part about the OM being the same age as your children is sickening.

Try to brace yourself for the potential narrative that his 'coming out' should be somehow celebrated. He is a cheating lying bastard. Each of those years that he has "known" he was gay he has cheated you out of a life where you could have been with someone who truly loved you. He robbed you of the opportunity to meet someone who actually wanted to be present in your life, not someone who was checked out (via hobbies) to avoid it and putting you at risk of STDs.

Get angry. Stay angry. Let it fuel you through the difficult days ahead. He does not get to be the victim in this.

You sound amazing OP.

This will be hard and in some ways harder than an affair with a woman because it makes you, and others, question your whole marriage in a way that seemed impossible a few days ago.

Get angry, stay angry and get some control. Think only of you, your children and your future without him. Get as much real life support as you can.

Keep on going, one day at a time.