Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

PS you may wish to ring Womens' Aid UK for support and advice.

What an absolute creep, on so very many levels. Cheating, hiding his sexuality, sleeping with someone the same age as his kid, running away and hiding...just an unspeakable, cowardly bastard.

You must be in complete shock, but honestly, I’d be talking to a solicitor ASAP. This man is as cold as ice and you can’t trust him.

Hugs another lying cheating bastard who wanted his cake and eat It , when celebrity’s do it’s all, oh he’s so brave coming out crap, people get hurt, I feel for you.

I am worried about him he isn’t calling and I worry about his mental health

I'm really trying to be gentle because I imagine your world is broken but OP he's not mentally ill, he's gay and ashamed of it!!

I'd be absolutely furious that my life had been wasted being someone's beard. Can you imagine being that selfish that you could even contemplate doing that to someone???

Thought not.

You must be shell shocked, please find someone in RL to talk to, Doctor, minister it doesn't matter. There is nothing we can say except we are all holding your hand

I'm so sorry - this is a dreadful shock for you - and you must also be grieving for the relationship you thought you had - but hadn't all of these years.

I don't know what I can say or suggest that con comfort you, but my heart aches for your pain.

@TwentyViginti

Is he a sugar daddy?

That was my question too. I would check bank accounts OP.

I'd say the same if a midde aged man was shagging a 20 year old female student.

That was my thought too....Or even a Rent Boy the age gap is so vast.

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

So, he's a liar, a cheat and a creepy old man. You are well rid if him.

Sorry OP

Exactly this.

And not even the decency to face you in the morning but slunk away like a coward leaving you in limbo while having to be the sole parent of your children. Effin coward.

I don't care how confused he might be; he cheated on you after over 20 years of marriage and 4 kids. He owed you a helluva lot more than that.

I agree with all those who suggest you leave gender out of it. I'd also recommend that you stop worrying about his mental health and start to think about yourself and your children. I think you should let him know you intend to talk to them about what has happened. They are old enough to know he has let you down badly. I would also find a close friend you can rely on and get some support as others have suggested.
I don't think it's helpful to think your whole life with him has been a 'lie' as some have said. It was obviously pretty good, you've brought 4 children into the world and provided a home for them. Sadly it's unlikely that can continue and you really need to start thinking what you want and how your future could be. I know it's early days but don't get dragged into the drama of his situation, just concentrate on you for a while.

I'd have to get the full facts before telling the kids, especially with one of them off to uni for the first time.

How long, how many affairs, when he says sleeping with does he mean paying for?

Get the facts, get an STI test, let your kids go about their business until you know exactly what's happened and what is going to happen.

sorry but loving his kids doesn't make him a good dad... that's the minimum!

I'm so sorry

He's waited until the children are older, almost grown up and moved out to go and live his true life - he can now attempt to drag the divorce out until the younger 2 age out at 18, split the house down the middle and no child maintenance to pay.

You've been used OP, get angry. Google "beards" in relationships. Get yourself to a solictor and split the assets and claim child maintenance whilst you still have dependent children at home.

How dare he blow up your lives like this and then disappear?? That is the worst part of it to me. If he is gay, he is gay and you can both eventually deal with that. But this abandonment when you have been so utterly destroyed is unforgivable. He's being led completely by his penis.

I think you still need time to absorb the shock of this. The fact that things are not what you thought it was all these years.
Having to talk to him, to get him to tell the kids on Saturday is too much. Do you even want him in the house as soon as that?

Doesn't leave you time to get a medical check, to look through family finances, to get legal advice or moral support. And then dealing with the shock that the kids will feel at the same time.
Set a list of things you need to do and put him and his mental health at the very very bottom of the pile.
Its very difficult for you but I think focus on the practicals if you can which is getting information and proper advice.
And once you have taken stock a bit yourself, I agree that you need to move quickly and to have the conversation with the kids.... can women's aid or similar give you advice on the best way to tell them eg separately or together.. Also if you should be the messenger...I guess you could tell them in the most sympathetic way but I don't think you should make excuses for him.
See if you can get anyone else to help you with DD's move. Its an emotional time anyway taking a youngster to uni and leaving them, and it could be awful being cooped up in a car with him, trying to stay calm and being calm in traffic.. it would be quite hard I think. One less thing to worry about if you could take her in a friends/relatives car.
I don't think you can really shield them too much from what he has done, but can be there for them to give them love and support, which I suspect has always fallen more to your role over time. Wishing all the very best in dealing with this

What a horrible shock for you OP

I'm so sorry OP, I would also wonder if this is also a financial arrangement and your H is getting off on the power trip of paying for sex:(
Please protect and prioritize yourself

His ‘packed’ schedule is probably cover for his double life. He’s avoiding you because his affair/ hook up is probably the tip of the iceberg and he isn’t ready to admit to you/ himself that you have been his beard.

Get a test ASAP!!

He absolutely wanted you to find out. So where else can this go? There is no way in hell that he would have agreed for you both to go to his colleague's BBQ if he wanted to keep it a secret, knowing that discussion about work would come up. He absolutely 100% knew that the fact the office had been closed for months would come up somehow.

I just want you to know how you got through the rest of the party with that bombshell dropped on you - you knew your DH had been lying at that point. How did you not take him into a corner and question him about the office closure, or at least make an excuse to leave early?

It is not your job to conceal his affair, lies and cheating.

You are worrying about him -his "mental health" his situation -he doesn't and hasn't given a crapola of worry for your "mental" "emotional" "physical" or "financial" welfare. He's been spending money on shagging someone else. He has been using his "spare" time to shag in hotels and not engage with you or help you or spend time with the children. Your physical health is at risk here -from Covid and STD etc He's gone silent -because he wants to sort out what is best for him.

Stop communicating. Stop Whatsapping. Stop engaging and start dictating.
The children need to be told why our marriage is over. At 10am Saturday morning I expect you to be here -to explain why this is so -as it was anything I have done -but solely as a result of your affair.

See a solicitor -before he empties the accounts and takes you for everything he can get.
Get a solicitor -get divorced.
But get counselling for YOU, your mental wellbeing etc and tell people in real life.

Op

Please start focussing your energy on yourself. Don’t waste another moment concerned about your husband.
He choose himself for a long time and cutting you out without even having the decency to allow you an proper explanation is very telling.
He’s only thinking about himself.

Sending you love, things will be so much better for you soon, I promise.

I also suspect that your husband’s colleague took the opportunity to tell you when he could have just said nothing, for that reason I would think it’s possibly not the first time.

Others have covered the good dad bad dad bit. I have two friends this has happened to.

1. Wife four children her husband left her suddenly for another man it ended in divorce.

1. Wife four children left her husband for another woman it ended in divorce.

There seems to be no hope when this happens it will be very hard for the children it was for the eight I know so be there for them. Get all the sti checks, get all the financials sorted find a good solicitor and end things as well as you can under the circumstances.

Even today with our liberal thinking it rocks families to the core.

Hi everyone
I have told DD 18 about this just now. The younger two are out at the moment. She asked if I was ok after she noticed my eyes were red from crying and I am just broke down and told her about it.

She is completely speechless but I am so relived to have told her. I made sure to tell her that whatever happens she will be supported with her move to uni and throughout her studies.

She is very very angry and has called DH and text but unsurprisingly is also being ghosted