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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Stealthynamechange · 13/09/2020 22:20

Alexa! We had a shared amazon account, my alexas were playing up & i was messing around on the app, there is a bit with history, shows what you've asked for. Sometimes it says text not displayed click for voice recording, they are her talking to it, them laughing.
I feel sick
& angry
& taken for fool
& heartbroken
So i broke no contact to rant at him 🤦‍♀️ he thinks as nothing happened whilst we were together then thats ok what a dickhead.

OP posts:
Dery · 13/09/2020 22:21

@Stealthynamechange - glad you're finding your anger. He's clearly not a man to be trusted as far as he can be thrown. Honestly, it's poor comfort now but give it 6 months and you will be so relieved that he's in your past!

Miss81 · 13/09/2020 22:26

@Stealthynamechange

Alexa! We had a shared amazon account, my alexas were playing up & i was messing around on the app, there is a bit with history, shows what you've asked for. Sometimes it says text not displayed click for voice recording, they are her talking to it, them laughing. I feel sick & angry & taken for fool & heartbroken So i broke no contact to rant at him 🤦‍♀️ he thinks as nothing happened whilst we were together then thats ok what a dickhead.

I'm so sorry 🙁 he's an absolute scumbag. I'm so glad you dumped him.

I honestly can't believe how many men are just absolute dickheads.

fatgirlslimmer · 13/09/2020 22:31

Cancel his account the cheeky fucker, he planned this whether you broke up or not. Flowers & Wine

Bunnymumy · 13/09/2020 22:51

Ugh, what an utter slimeball he is.

Clearly he was cut up about your break up, he waited a whole 24 hours to get under someone else :/

At least now you know.
Onwards an upwards.

Defenbaker · 13/09/2020 23:25

I wonder what he's telling her... something along the lines of "Stealthy was really upset when I finished it with her, but it was the right thing to do. I really want to make this relationship work... " He won't be saying "I tried to keep Stealthy in reserve in case you're not as hot in the sack/compliant as I hoped you'd be, but she saw sense and dumped me so I'll see how this pans out." Wait and watch... in a year or two the pattern will repeat, but you can watch the scene unfold from a distance, while being glad you cut loose now.

BlueThistles · 13/09/2020 23:25

She's welcome to him, what goes around comes around. Hold yourself together OP, he is no prize 🌺

mellowww · 14/09/2020 05:25

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this kind of hurt, OP. But ..........

Thank goodness you're out of it. He hadn't moved in. You don't have a child together.

He is extremely likely to continue this of behaviour. So they may be laughing now, but that's just a phase. Like all of this.

Yes, be angry. And as you would if anyone was randomly rude or unpleasant to you in the street, walk away as quickly as possible.

Your DS is so little - he'd just got used to him, that's all. In time he will barely remember him. Snuggle up to your real treasure, your DS, and feel happy you are free to meet a properly nice person in good time. 💐

mellowww · 14/09/2020 05:26

I meant he'll continue this pattern of behaviour

Notcoolmum · 14/09/2020 07:28

So sorry OP. It was clear all along he was seeing this woman. But to hear them together must be very painful.

Keep the bed.

I was with someone from when my son was 18 months to 6 until I found out he'd been cheating on me. My son remembers some of the fun things we did. But couldn't remember my ex's name. So don't worry about your son. I'm glad you didn't manage to conceive. That's one less thing to worry about.

Anger is good but try and get back to NC. He's already moved on. There is nothing you can say that will change how he feels.

It's very painful when you leave an abusive relationship and then find someone who feels so different in every way to have them treat you badly. After my relationship ended I was single for a long time as I wanted to concentrate on my children. And I didn't want to be hurt like that again. Or to allow someone else into my children's life. I started dating when they were teenagers.

Stealthynamechange · 14/09/2020 07:53

thank you all, yes ive now deleted & blocked. Ive never used that bit of the alexa app before - feels like i was meant to find out, this will help me move on.

@notcoolmum thank you for sharing your experience, im definitely going to take time for me & ds, hes not the man i thought he was & ive learnt not to let anyone else into ds life. Its good to hear your ds can't remember your exs name, i do worry how this is going to effect him. Trying to remember children are resilient.

Im alternating between anger & tears, i need to grieve for what i thought we had i think. But i know i deserve better.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 14/09/2020 08:08

@Stealthynamechange they really are resilient. I was heartbroken for them as they lost their dad (abusive alcoholic) and then my BF. I felt so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But the ex Bf has very rarely featured in any of their discussions with me.

With a lot of years behind me now I can accept the ex had a reason to come into my life and I did lots of fun things with the kids I wouldn't have done if we hadn't have been together. It took me a long time to get to that point though.

marly11 · 14/09/2020 08:18

Presume you've deleted the joint amazon? My ex turned up a couple of times under the guise of having ordered parcels to mine through the whole Amazon joint thing in error. Also he could see what I was watching via prime. So that's all been righted now. (Small things but they can all prolong unwanted contact and liaison!)

fuandylp · 14/09/2020 08:54

We didn't even have a joint amazon and my ex kept ordering stuff on his amazon and accidentally sending it to my address.
I didn't react though. I just left the parcels outside my flat and at some point they'd be gone. But I didn't send messages reminding him they were there or respond to his messages asking if they were there (at that point I hadn't blocked him).
They do this sort of thing to force you to engage with them. The goal is normally to keep you hanging around in case their "needing space" looking around to see what else is out there doesn't work so they'll have someone to come back to.

Clymene · 14/09/2020 09:00

I'm sorry you had to find out like that but I'm glad you found your anger. It makes it much easier. And your son will be fine because he has you Smile

VictoriaBun · 14/09/2020 09:19

You did the right thing.
But he is a grade A total shit.
And I'll tell you why , I think I've seen right through him.
He's been shagging her for awhile. He kept you until he decided his best bet. He then tells you he needs the space to think. He knows this is unacceptable to most women. You've dumped him. He can remain Mr. Nice Guy in his head as it was you that dumped. Yes he is a shit. You are 100% well rid .

RandomMess · 14/09/2020 09:57

My thoughts exactly Victoria!

JuanNil · 14/09/2020 11:41

This might not be a very helpful suggestion, I guess it depends, but have you gone back on the app any further to see if he's been spending time with her before this? Reading what you write about finding that made me genuinely nauseous and I'm so sorry. If you find out that he's been spending time with her before he 'needed space', or even just around the time it happened, I think you'll have all your questions answered and you'll be able to put it to bed.

Is it a prime account? If so, who pays for it? If it's you, go onto the amazon website, log all devices off, change the password, then log your devices back on

Pinotgrigio33 · 14/09/2020 11:50

I agree he's manipulated the situation so he got dumped. Poor him therefore has no choice but to run back to OW.

Pathetic and weak.

TirisfalPumpkin · 14/09/2020 12:39

Well done for deleting and blocking.

It's okay to grieve the relationship; slimeballs are exceptionally good at projecting an image of being a decent person you can imagine a future with. When the illusion disappears it can be incredibly painful; it's having something you truly want yanked away, which talks to our primal needs as humans. It's also no reflection on you. You have shown strength, integrity and self-respect.

BlueThistles · 14/09/2020 12:46

sending support OP 🌺

Clymene · 14/09/2020 18:18

OP I read all your other threads about this guy today. They are so sad! You have been anxious, worried and unhappy for most of the 14 months you've been together. My heart is breaking for you because this is not what a relationship is supposed to be like. The first year should be utterly joyful. But they really haven't been for you, even up until his recent utter betrayal. Sad

I know your ex is an utter arsehole but this guy really isn't much better. He's treated you appallingly. I wonder if you did do the Freedom Programme in January as you planned. Because if you didn't, I really urge you to give it a go.

And stay single for a bit now. Your ex has destroyed your boundaries to a huge extent. Right now concentrate on healing you and your son, getting yourselves resilient and happy in your skin.

LindaEllen · 14/09/2020 20:43

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Towards the start of my relationship I was in a similar position, with a woman my partner had previously shown interest in getting in touch saying she wanted to be with him. I believe - and so does he - that she only did this because she saw that we were happy and was jealous, so tried to come between us.

He did think about leaving me for her, because he'd liked her for a long time and our relationship was quite new in comparison, and while he was making his mind up I was so, so close to ending it for him - because I knew I'd be on edge about him leaving me, and so I was for a long time after.

Eventually he made his mind up to stay with me. I know I might sound weak for staying with him, but I honestly understood. This woman had showed up and played with his emotions - even though she had previously told him she didn't like him in that way at all - and I absolutely understood that after what he had been through with her, he had to be sure of his decision.

Three years down the line and he hasn't spoken to her and whenever we mention what happened (it seems to come up for one reason or another every now and then) he says he made the right choice and he thanks me for giving him the chance.

So my advice would be to let things calm down, and see where the land lies. I know my situation was very specific to me, as was how I handled it. I don't know all the details of what you're going through, but just consider the past between the two of them, how he feels, and what emotions it might have stirred up.

Of course it's absolutely up to if you want to leave. In many ways I believe that's what I would have told someone else in my position to do, and it's only with hindsight that I know I was right not to.

LilyWater · 14/09/2020 20:57

Words are so easy to say. I dont know why people get constantly hung up on this when anyone can literally say "I love you" and think the opposite. It's actions that count. Keep your dignity and walk away from your boyfriend. Be grateful you only wasted 18 months on him.

Stealthynamechange · 15/09/2020 07:24

@Clymene thank you for your post, on reflection you are absolutely right. Its only on looking back do i realise how anxious & insecure he was making me. He told me i was amazing & that he loved me everyday, but he also made lots of comments about how many calories he burnt running, how light he was, i just thought i was being paranoid - i think i even posted about how i thought my weight was effecting our relationship. I was worried about seeing him after lockdown because i'd gained weight whilst he got fitter 🤦‍♀️ in bed he was always happy to recieve but wouldnt give 🤦‍♀️ i definitely posted about that! & still wonder if he was actually not physically attracted to me. You are totally right no man should make you feel like that. I also did LOADS for him, looking back he never really did that much for me.

I've hurt & grieving for what i thought we had, but that was a lie.

I have just completed the freedom programe & have no intention of dating. I just want to recover from this & look after me & my little boy.

Ive emailed my landlord to see if i can get a dog, sat here last night i realised i miss the dog more than the man. My ex husband (who is a diabolical piece of work) has my 2 dogs. I miss all the dogs but not the men. I realised this ex (not my husband) is a habit i need to break.

Thanks for all the support, mumsnet has helped me so many times. Please keep it coming, your collective strength always helps.

OP posts:
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