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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 12/09/2020 11:49

Oh and be aware he might 'forget' some items in order to create a reason to see you again.

PartyCat · 12/09/2020 11:50

Yes, just ask him to text you when he has left your stuff and posted the card through the door and left. I would not meet him face to face, or try to have a conversation with him, if I were you. I am sure you are dying to ask him how long it really has been going on etc but he will never tell you the truth. He probably hopes that by seeing you tonight he can tell himself that it has all been very civilised, you have left it as 'friends', given you a hug etc and he has been decent - he has not - don't let him get away with that, feeling good about it. Just get him to leave the stuff without you having to see him at all and then block him as no need for further contact. It is the only way to get over it. Him wanting to be 'friends' is just him trying to relieve the discomfort of knowing what a sht he has been. Sorry OP Flowers

Dery · 12/09/2020 12:07

"Yes, just ask him to text you when he has left your stuff and posted the card through the door and left. I would not meet him face to face, or try to have a conversation with him, if I were you."

This. Do you have a friend who can come round and spend the evening with you/stay the night so that you've got some support?

The fact that he's accepted you ending it so readily shows that he was on his way out of your relationship. Of course, this is terribly shocking for you because it was so out of the blue and that makes it additionally painful right now.

You may never really understand why this has happened now - he may not even know himself. That said: you've said that you were about to move in together. I think it's interesting that he's chosen now to bolt. What's his relationship history? Has he been married previously and/or had a long-term live-in partnership? If not, it may be that, deep down, he's a commitment phobe and that's why he's running away now.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 12:21

He has had a live in girlfriend before that ended really badly. He says he didnt want that to happen with us 🤦‍♀️ i do think the commitment scared him.

im so heart broken, i know ive got to go through this pain.

None of my friends are around, its just me & ds. I feel sick & the pain is physical. Ds is asking for him, says he'll comeback its so painful. I cant believe ive done this to ds.thats as painful as the rest of it.

OP posts:
PartyCat · 12/09/2020 12:30

I am so sorry you are going through this OP, it is like grief - feeling pain in your chest and like you can hardly breathe. But it will get better. Your little DS is sad now but will be fine - he is only young and can be easily distracted. Look after yourself, one day at a time. The sooner you get rid of his stuff, and don't have it dangling over you, the better. Just remember how he has treated you - unacceptably - as someone said - inhumane and despicable, asking you to wait while he 'decided'. You will begin to feel anger which can a good energy if usefully channelled to start afresh, and give you the energy for a great life for you and your son. xx

Dery · 12/09/2020 12:31

@Stealthynamechange

You haven't done anything to DS. This man already knew him because you were friends. In that context you had no reason to keep him away from DS. Then you began a relationship and were 18 months in and it appeared to be going really well.

You've been let down incredibly badly. Unfortunately that has had a knock-on effect for DS. But, you know, your DS will get over it. You both will. Right now, you're going through the most difficult and painful period of this episode of your life. But the pain will pass. You and your DS have bright and happy experiences ahead of you. Just hang on to that thought for now.

GilbertMarkham · 12/09/2020 12:44

We are still in love ..

I'm not trying to be hurtful but he's not; if he was there wouldn't have been a question here at all, no decision to think about or make.

We've all been in love and you know you don't entertain other people, you're focused on and devoted to the person you're in love with. It's only when that's broken down/changed/not present that you entertain the thought of being with other people.

Some people say some men, even in love, will take opportunities for sex; but it's not even that that he's doing (as he said he would've just cheated.and lied), he's taken time "out" to consider whether he wants to start a relationship with her or continue with you.

He would have just told her he's with someone if he was in love and committed.

Wheelyyyy · 12/09/2020 12:45

OP Sending you so much love.
Think of the physical pain as the new you breaking out. She will look after you and know what to do. Possibly even this newer version of you will be pained again and again an even stronger version of you emerges.

Grief comes in waves and our bodies and mind adjusts in increments. Its like our brain knows how much pain we can withstand. Then it gives us a break for an hour or a day or a few days and then a week or two.

You may even surprise yourself and at some point feel relieved.

At this moment your in shock. Let your brain and body catch up with whats happened.

Theres that saying...something about the cracks in us, is the light getting in.

Much love and hugs. A hot water bottle can help the physical pain

PartyCat · 12/09/2020 12:54

Those are lovely words wheelyyy. Hot water bottle sounds like a good idea, like a wee, cosy hug.

Clymene · 12/09/2020 13:02

Well done. He's a horrible man and you're well shot of him. I know it doesn't feel like that now but you're grieving for the man you thought he was, not the man he is.

Tell him to ring the doorbell and leave the stuff on the doorstep and leave. Do not have a conversation with him or open the door while he is there. Then block his number.

Tell your little boy that sadly Andy (or whatever he's called) has been very unkind to mummy and she doesn't want to be friends with him anymore. And that has made mummy sad but it will be okay. And so something nice together tomorrow.

He's so little that he'll forget about him pretty soon.

Decentsalnotime · 12/09/2020 13:05

Op

You’re making the mistake of thinking that Your relationship was a sort of love affair of the century.

On the basis of one message with an ex student, it “threw everything in to doubt”

I hate to be brutal but his feelings were paper thin.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 14:14

@Wheelyyyy thank you those are beautiful words

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 15:12

Any tips to help me keep my self respect & not message him? This has hit me hard. Cant block & delete until my things are returned & vice versa.
Its agony, we were great friends. I hate that ive lost that friendship.

OP posts:
wishywashywoowoo70 · 12/09/2020 15:16

@Stealthynamechange

Any tips to help me keep my self respect & not message him? This has hit me hard. Cant block & delete until my things are returned & vice versa. Its agony, we were great friends. I hate that ive lost that friendship.
That's the most difficult bit. Think if yourself in 6 months. That you will be kicking yourself if you keep messaging him Think how good you'll feel if you don't. Just think of it as a good thing now. You know where you stand before he cheated on you (hopefully)
Bunnymumy · 12/09/2020 15:26

Leave the phone in another room maybe? Just check it if it beeps or when he is due round with the items. Or text and tell him to just drop your things at the door later, chap it, then leave. Then you don't really need to talk to him anymore.

I dont know about you but I do anything possible not to hurt a friend (let alone a partner). He doesn't. That's not a friend. It's an imposter. You'll make better friends.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2020 15:37

Don't let him in. He'll fuck with your head (or quie possibly you given the chance.)You'll feel better momentarily, then worse again. Make him hand over at door, or just inside. Or ask him to have a friend do it if possible.

He is an abusive prick, no matter how nice he has been, or how much in love you are. Remind yourself of that. This behaviour is so manipulative and cruel. He could have simply ended it. This is all designed to dosorientate you, and give him the upper hand. Not the sort of behaviour you want your DC to observe or learn from. You'll both be better without him, hard as it is to imagine. And you don't need "friends" like him either.

I hope you can manage tonight. Fake it till etc. Then block. You deserve so much more.

PamDemic · 12/09/2020 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoraEphronsneck · 12/09/2020 15:52

Two things strike me.

He's only been in your life for 18 months so while he may have been a big art of your life for that time - he is by no means a long-term fixture. You had a life before him, you will have a life after him.

And your son is only 3 so in six months won't even remember his name. And that's as it should be. If he asks for him now, distract him with something else.

Read the Freedom Programme and concentrate on your self.

Happynow001 · 12/09/2020 16:08

* hes got a bank card i need back*
I'd suggest you call the bank and tell them you need your card reissued ASAP. Also watch out for any expenditures over that account so check your account carefully. You may not think he'd take advantage of you financially, but best to be sure.

Also, if he has keys to your home please change the locks, even if he returns them. 🌹

Ohwhatbliss · 12/09/2020 16:12

@Miss81 I have a lot of huma

Ohwhatbliss · 12/09/2020 16:14

@Miss81 I have so much humanity, and sympathy and empathy. What I can't abide is nice women being taken for a ride by some absolute piece of shite. My post wasn't aimed at making the OP feel any worse but to arouse some anger in her that she might realise she is worth SO much more than this loser

Palavah · 12/09/2020 16:16

When is bringing your bank card over? If it's not today then can you get a friend to come and make the exchange?

Miss81 · 12/09/2020 16:27

[quote Ohwhatbliss]@Miss81 I have so much humanity, and sympathy and empathy. What I can't abide is nice women being taken for a ride by some absolute piece of shite. My post wasn't aimed at making the OP feel any worse but to arouse some anger in her that she might realise she is worth SO much more than this loser [/quote]
Might want to work on your delivery then. Because I can tell you as someone going through the same thing, being told to "find your self respect" makes you feel worse not better. And it doesn't elicit anger it makes you feel like a failure.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 16:31

Thanks all, hes coming over tonight when ds is asleep.
I'll be giving him his things too - all except the bed! Mine broke & he took it away, replacing it with one from his as we were going to move in together, dont know what to do about the dam thing. I cant afford another at the min.
I hope you are right about ds forgetting him, thats really been upsetting me.
You are all right if he loved me or valued our relationship or friendship he wouldnt have treated me this way.
I do need to remember 18 months ago he wasnt in my life, i can do this.
Thank you i will keep checking back & appreciate all replies.

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 12/09/2020 16:37

Well done OP. Such a strong empowering move ending it quickly. After a while you will find your anger and think how dare he try to keep you dangling on a string while he decides if the grass is greener. What an absolute twat he is.

You are worth so much more than that loser. He will never be happy with what he has whereas you seem full of love and I'm sure you will find a decent man who will love you like you deserve.