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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
sage46 · 12/09/2020 16:39

I am so sorry this has happened to you. x

Ohwhatbliss · 12/09/2020 16:39

@Miss81 So what would you want to hear? Genuinely interested. Another sympathetic voice saying there there, let's hope he chooses you, you wait around in anguish and heartbreak whilst he decides? What would have been helpful to you? I had my heart trampled by an absolute fuckwit and I do not want another woman to go through that

Palavah · 12/09/2020 16:39

You can keep the bed, OP.

MadCatLadee · 12/09/2020 16:42

I've been here and you will get through it. Can you try to keep busy, plan some treats for yourself and lean on friends and family.

Yeahnahmum · 12/09/2020 16:55

He does love you
But sometimes op.... love is not enough
And in this situation. ..it isnt...
His response to want' time' after a former student contacted him??? No op. No
He is not the one.
Let this one go.
Make room for mr right
Curb mister right now

Yankeescot · 12/09/2020 16:55

Stay strong OP! You deserve soooo much better than this utter shite treatment from him!

A friend of mine and I came up with something that really helped us avoid contact with guys that had messed us about or came running back asking for another chance. (either of us couldn't unfortunately block at the time due to life obligations)

We edited their phone # with a capital DON'T in front of their first name. It really helped at the time and I occasionally still use this method. Whenever you have an urge to text due to melancholy, missing them, drunk text that you'll regret, they won't come up under their name. Same as if they start texting or phoning you. They're under DON'T so that's the first thing you see. If gives you pause if you're a bit pished or sad and reach to text. And you stop to think about it. Also, if they phone/text you, you get a reminder of how they treated you and why that DON'T is there. It helps to deter lapses of judgement.

I don't imagine you'll be ready to block him for awhile. I highly recommend you insert DON'T as his first name. It may assist in avoiding an impetuous urge.

Please let us know how you are later after he's been there. We're here for you :-)

Decentsalnotime · 12/09/2020 16:56

@Yeahnahmum

He does love you But sometimes op.... love is not enough And in this situation. ..it isnt... His response to want' time' after a former student contacted him??? No op. No He is not the one. Let this one go. Make room for mr right Curb mister right now
How do you know he loves her?

On the basis of his actions, I’d say he most definitely doesn’t love her.

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 16:58

You mention being in an abusive relationship recently.

The main way people end up in an abusive relationship is by staying in a relationship when red flags are raised. You have dumped, which is good. You won't end up in an emotionally abusive relationship with him, which is where you were going.

Another problem can be is seeing things as you wish they were not as they are. In particular writing off any bad behaviour as being excusable and not normal for him while all nice behaviour is classified as the "real" him by you.

I would be very very surprised if he were really nice all the time then did something as twattish as this as casually as he did. I expect there were a whole raft of things that you excused. For a start, why the fuck does he have your bank card?

Miss81 · 12/09/2020 17:04

[quote Ohwhatbliss]@Miss81 So what would you want to hear? Genuinely interested. Another sympathetic voice saying there there, let's hope he chooses you, you wait around in anguish and heartbreak whilst he decides? What would have been helpful to you? I had my heart trampled by an absolute fuckwit and I do not want another woman to go through that [/quote]
Maybe giving more of your back story as to why so harsh so it doesn't seem like you are just belittling someone.

Now you've explained, it sounds more meaningful. Before it just sounded mean IMO.

Ilovetheseventies · 12/09/2020 17:30

What about the 30 days no contact thread.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 18:13

Thank you @Yankeescot ive just done that top tip 😊
Where can i find the no contact thread?
He has my bankcard as its the account i use for my grandmas shopping, he had been taking it in turns with me to shop for her 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused28 · 12/09/2020 18:19

If you want him to make up his mind in your favour you need to end it, a short, sharp shock.

I wouldn't advise you take him back after this, you deserve better than someone hedging his bets like this.

QuestionMarkNow · 12/09/2020 18:21

@Stealthynamechange

Thank you *@Yankeescot* ive just done that top tip 😊 Where can i find the no contact thread? He has my bankcard as its the account i use for my grandmas shopping, he had been taking it in turns with me to shop for her 🤦‍♀️
Ring the bank and cancel the card. You'll get a new one pretty soon.
fatgirlslimmer · 12/09/2020 18:48

I’m sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Don’t allow him to come in tonight otherwise you will start a cycle of insecurity and heartache for yourself. He can leave your stuff at the door and post card through the letterbox or you cancel it. Don’t use his returning stuff to ask him to stay one more night.

He was quick to agree to split up, you already asked him to change his mind once, don’t do it twice.

He is a player who is tempted by an email and telling you he’s being honest is an insult, you should be enough for him. He doesn’t get points for saying at least he didn’t cheat.

Keep posting here, I can’t imagine how hard it will be for you. Don’t use your son missing him as a reason to want him back but I do understand that you had hopes that he would be part of his life too.

Give yourself time, who knows what the future will bring but don’t make decisions now while you are so vulnerable.

Wheelyyyy · 12/09/2020 18:50

OP
Theres a song called 'Holes' by passenger. Id recommend a listen.
Someone on here suggested it to me when my ex left me. Its catchy and i liked it and it helped at times

Wheelyyyy · 12/09/2020 18:54

Just caught up with thread.
Be strong tonight OP. It will be ok to upset after and normal. The first few times of seeing afterwards may be vv uncomfortable and upsetting and thats just your brain adjusting to the idea of the new normal

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 12/09/2020 20:18

Thank you.
That was so hard, he was in bits when he saw his stuff. I did really well until i said good bye to the dog. Set me off.

OP posts:
Defenbaker · 12/09/2020 20:22

Well done for ending it, OP. I agree with others who say that this man does not love you - nobody who loved you would treat you that way.

It sounds like he was happy to keep you in reserve, in case the new relationship didn't work out. He must have a very high opinion of himself to think you'd tolerate this behaviour. Be happy that you're free of this man, he probably has form for overlapping girlfriends when someone younger takes his fancy, and will repeat this pattern until he starts to lose his looks. You dodged a bullet, but it might take time to feel that way.

fatgirlslimmer · 12/09/2020 20:26

By dog to you mean him Wink

Well done, that was brave of you, it’s ok other people saying what you should do but they are not hurting like you are right now.

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 20:38

I bet he expected you to do the pick me dance and is gutted that his usual tricks backfired.

cakeandchampagne · 12/09/2020 20:42

Well done. Flowers

Clymene · 12/09/2020 21:14

You did it! Well done ThanksThanksThanks

20bloodypounds · 12/09/2020 21:56

I did really well until I said goodbye to the dog ahhh remember this... You know that a dog can be trusting, honest, faithful. It can turn its sad eyes on you. But then eagerly scamper off to paw at someone who is temporarily offering a tastier treat.

That behaviour is OK, and forgivable for a dog. But not for a human.

PeachForTheStars · 12/09/2020 21:57

Better to be on your own with your self respect intact than living a half life with someone whose head is so easily turned. It will be painful for a while but just think you will have a few weeks of being sad compared to a life time of misery with him as you'd be worried whenever he was at work with this woman who apparently has feelings for him. That is no way to live. If you're feeling really sad do a home work out and channel that sadness or anger into something positive and use it to get fitter and stronger.

Ilovetheseventies · 12/09/2020 22:02

I'm not sure where no contact thread is but I think if you do a search you'll find it or you start one and post every day etc and others join who want to go no contact. I think the theory is that youve broken the habit after 30 days

Swipe left for the next trending thread