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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I could punch you.

419 replies

FunorFitness · 07/09/2020 07:33

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

OP posts:
sensitiveme · 07/09/2020 13:30

Just wanted to add OP in light of your previous friendship with him, don't be drawn back in under the guise of his "wanting to stay friends" especially now, when you are more vulnerable to him hoovering you back in, you need to keep him blocked and avoid him at all costs.

Write down all the horrible things he's said or done to you and if you feel yourself wavering, have a read and remember that he is an abusive arsehole who doesn't deserve a second of your time and that you are happier and better off without him.

Would echo other PPs who have said tell your friends and family the reality of the situation. Not only will you have their support, it will ground you in reality and hopefully they will kindly remind you of how awful he is should you need it.

I also have been with a couple of abusers in my time, different kinds. I know how easy it is to be taken in by one abuser because the abuse isn't as visible as what you have experienced before.

Do a lot of reading - Lundy Bancroft, freedom program etc have a look on here too for the abusers script and cheaters script - they are all great tools for you to use to weed out the bad 'uns Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 07/09/2020 13:43

The nice friendship of before is over. You cannot get it back. Your relationship with him will never ever be good now he has revealed himself.

Even all that holding a candle for you is off. So he decided long ago he was going to have you, kept you sweet then when you let him in he starts on the tantrums. He has decided he is marrying you, living with you, you will have his babies, and he will be the boss. He is not going to want to let you go. He is going to try everything to keep his dream alive. He will not give two fucks about your dreams or your well being. He is a selfish cock.

Keep him blocked, change the locks, tell everyone he and you are 100% done. Then do not talk to him. At all. Nothing. He is dumped. That is it. Nothing more to be said.

Mum4Fergus · 07/09/2020 13:45

I feel so stupid ending a relationship over tyres.

You're not...you're ending relationship because he is a twat.

Original poster
FunorFitness · 07/09/2020 14:11

@TorkTorkBam

The nice friendship of before is over. You cannot get it back. Your relationship with him will never ever be good now he has revealed himself.

Even all that holding a candle for you is off. So he decided long ago he was going to have you, kept you sweet then when you let him in he starts on the tantrums. He has decided he is marrying you, living with you, you will have his babies, and he will be the boss. He is not going to want to let you go. He is going to try everything to keep his dream alive. He will not give two fucks about your dreams or your well being. He is a selfish cock.

Keep him blocked, change the locks, tell everyone he and you are 100% done. Then do not talk to him. At all. Nothing. He is dumped. That is it. Nothing more to be said.

To be honest I never feel like I live up to the image he created of me in his own head.

We got to know each other before he moved away then while he lived away we spoke every day via messages and on the phone and it was a really lonely time for him so I was his lifeline.

He decided he loved me before we were ever in a relationship and I don't think I actually live up to his expectations.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 07/09/2020 14:13

He has a fantasy woman in mind. He will always be furious that you do not behave like his little fantasy woman. He has no interest in you.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 14:25

I think he was expecting "manic pixie dream girl". Yes, it's a thing. Hmm

He sounds obsessive and stalkery. He'll be a difficult slug to kick off (but so much easier now than if you had kids with him - probably safer too, in terms of perceived ownership and violence).

Don't break up in private, do it in public. Have someone (big and male) with you to to accompany him removing any of his stuff. Don't spend a single night under the same roof after breaking up. He'll be dangerous to break up with.

user1481840227 · 07/09/2020 14:27

@FunorFitness

I feel so stupid ending a relationship over tyres but it was his reaction, he was so mad and going all red faced and blustery, totally out of all proportion to the subject.
Well that's the thing. During an argument about tyres it escalated to the point where he said he wanted to punch you. That is a massive red flag. Imagine the argument was over something more emotive, relationship issues, jealousy...or so on....how much could it escalate then?
KatherineJaneway · 07/09/2020 14:50

I feel so stupid ending a relationship over tyres but it was his reaction, he was so mad and going all red faced and blustery, totally out of all proportion to the subject.

Sounds like he can't contemplate being wrong.

GilbertMarkham · 07/09/2020 15:33

He sounds like he has to be right about everything.

The expression of wanting to hit you when you dared to point out that he was not absolutely right about F1 tyres is very aggressive, ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous and it sounds like it's happened several times before.

He doesn't sound like good relationship material at all. He sounds extremely argumentative, always having to be right, patronising, petty, aggressive etc.

I dread to think what life would be like having babies with him; given just how much scope there is for arguing, opinions, stress etc. with young children. The potential for conflict and stress is very high.

CorianderLord · 07/09/2020 22:00

He sounds creepy

Wondersense · 07/09/2020 22:04

@Khadernawazkhan

What a pathetic man-child. Utterly devoid of self control or any sense of proportion as welll as being an aggressive tool as well. Be very careful in what you choose to do next. And please keep us updated.
Lol yes. A man toddler. I would't be surprised if there are many more issues here other than the one posted.
WitchWife · 08/09/2020 07:34

How are you doing today @FunorFitness?

Ilovetheseventies · 08/09/2020 07:54

Playing devil's advocate here. Perhaps you do this alot? Perhaps he finds Yr attitude irritating.
You've only been watching it a year and he twenty that you have to get one up on him?
I could punch my DP sometimes because of his know it all behaviour. I'm not saying you are like this but there maybe another side to this.

whatthehecksausages · 08/09/2020 08:02

@Ilovetheseventies did you even read it all? he was wrong after all, and he knew it. OP wasn't 'getting one up' on him. she stated something and even offered him to educate her.

how dare you try to justify him saying that. how absolutely ridiculous of you.

AgentJohnson · 08/09/2020 08:25

We were friends a long time before we went got together and that is what I will miss.

Would you have been friends with someone who called you names and threatened you? He was always this guy, now he feels secure enough to show it.

You were his lifeline! That phase alone says a lot about your relationship dynamic. You don’t owe this man a relationship.

He said what he said, behaved the way he behaved, there is no amount of explaining or justification that you could give to explain why his behaviour is and was unacceptable. Grieve the friendship you thought you had but do not make any excuses to contact him.

Original poster
FunorFitness · 08/09/2020 08:29

Morning everyone, thanks for all the responses and checking in on me, that's why I love mumsnet.

I'm definitely not a know it all, I am the kind of person that is a people pleaser so usually back down even if I am wrong. That's why I changed my stance from - there are three colours, to I have only seen three colours in the races I have watched. I hate making people feel bad or stupid.

Right usually when we have a row, he blocks me and I don't block him, then a few days later he will unblock me, I know this because his picture changed back on WhatsApp. If I don't contact him his picture changes to a quote about true love, or missing his best friend or how it's always been you. If I still don't contact him he will then send me a picture of us, or a song or something along those lines.

Well I have taken matters into my own hands, blocked him on every platform I can think of, and deleted him as a contact so I can't even see his changing pictures and get sucked in. I simply won't see it. Last time he did it I changed my phone from a Samsung to an IPhone so I won't receive any texts (Samsung phones tell you that you have a blocked message).

I don't answer withheld phone calls anyway so that's out.

I think that is everything so I literally just have to stand firm. I know he will start messaging my sister so I will tell her I don't even want to know if he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunorFitness · 08/09/2020 08:29

Sorry that was supposed to say I back down even if I am right Blush

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 08:32

Please do not back down. He's stepping this up.

Beamur · 08/09/2020 08:35

Good to hear your resolve!
Stay focused.

candycane222 · 08/09/2020 08:37

Great stuff. Yes, tell your sister, she needs to know. And make sure she understands just how shitty he has been, all along.

SmileyClare · 08/09/2020 08:59

Wow well done Op Smile

I suspect that he won't take this well, mainly because he seems to have that pathetic fragile macho ego that a lot of men have. The one where they have to have the last word and be "right" about everything. He will want the upper hand.

He'll also probably swing from trying to pull on your heart strings with emotional messages, guilt tripping you and then punishing you with insults and vile names. That's how my ex behaved. He also tried to get at me through my friends and family Sad

I'm so glad you have your sister for support. You are doing the best thing by dis engaging.

Good luck and remember none of this is your fault! You've done nothing wrong Flowers

Original poster
FunorFitness · 08/09/2020 09:27

I am going to keep checking in on the thread, because we have been here before and I crumbled. So this time I need to stay strong.

It feels different this time though, I don't feel angsty, I feel peaceful, I don't want to keep checking if he has changed his pic, I don't feel tempted to unblock him and see what he is doing.

Obviously it's very early on but I am feeling calm and accepting about it. It's a start.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 09:30

Knowing what his moves will be is half the battle.

It make me so cross when people pester me and won't accept a no. It rarely makes me want to give them what they want. Quite the opposite. It flags them as selfish users.

RandomMess · 08/09/2020 09:36

Get some things planned in your social calendar to keep you busy etc

Well done!

mellowww · 08/09/2020 09:40

If a man I was having sex with said in any context that he wishes he could punch me, I would be immediately over for me.

Subconsciously you'd now be pacifying him all the time. To protect yourself.

He said something stupid and fucked it all up. End of.

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