I wish I could punch you.

[FunorFitness]

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

I failed already :(
He unblocked me and sent a message saying "well its obvious this is what you want"... i just felt so angry that its been him dumping me and blocking me etc and so I replied saying that he shouldn't put what he does into me and to own his own actions... which I then got a barrage of msgs saying things like " are you serious do u not actually know what you do this is all you... your a horrible nasty woman.. im not gonna put up with your shit.. you get what u want now, me gone out ya life" and then I was blocked again .... why? Just why? Do these people really belive their own bullshit

I have been there, the key is to not get angry and just not reply. What he thinks, who he wants to blame, none of that is important. The important thing is that it is over.

Listen to me giving advice like I haven't crumbled the exact same way a million times in the past.

You will get there OP. You try blocking him, its liberating.

That's him trying to make it sound like he is dumping you when you've already dumped him. Sado that he is. It's a tactic to get you to chase after him @Chooseanametouse. Don't fall for it. Block him on everything.

You have not failed as you see what he is now and you are working to remove him completely from your life.

OP, think about it this way, you asked him to leave you alone over a fortnight ago and yet he is still messaging you. Totally harassment.

Getting at you through your work is a huge escalation of harrassment.

Yes he is most definitely harrasing you. The attention is unwanted, he knows it is unwanted, you have taken steps to block his contact and still he repeatedly contacts you, including at work.

Compared to him this is merely a slight annoyance and I think that is why I never saw him as abusive, because he never even made it onto the scale of the ex.

Always a danger when you've been previously abused.

My first husband was openly aggressive and violent and harassing.

My second relationship was more mind-fucking passive aggression - missed that for years as he didn't seem abusive compared to my previous experience.

Abuse takes many forms. Sometimes a lot of damage is done before you even realise.

I bet you are a little jumpier/uneasy at work, he's already harassed you to the point it's brought you down when You were doing so well. He has trashed all your boundaries.

Now you are wondering what is to come next. That is harassment!!! There is no other word for it. 🌺♥️

How are you today op?

Day 1 again for me going no contact. I feel like absolute rubbish today. As a PP said I too was also in an abusive marriage and 5 years on from that I still to this day get harassment form XH.. DP (now ex) when he was sending me a barage of messages yesterday, in one of them said he thinks.i enjoy the attention of my ExH and that I deserve all the abuse and harassment I get from him (I dont enjoy it atall and dont communicate with him unless absolutely have too regarding DC) the same guy that stood by me as I went through numerous police statements, court system etc telling me how strong I was and doing the right thing by me and my DC :(

I keep going over and over in my head all the horrible things hes said and I hate how its making me feel

Day one - you can absolutely do it. Make it your choice though, not his. Take the power away from him.

I found writing all the horrible things down on a piece of paper and sticking it to the mirror has helped me. So I see it every morning and I am reminded of why I am doing this.

He sounds exactly the same as mine, they must go to abuser school together.

@Chooseanametouse

How are you today op?

Day 1 again for me going no contact. I feel like absolute rubbish today. As a PP said I too was also in an abusive marriage and 5 years on from that I still to this day get harassment form XH.. DP (now ex) when he was sending me a barage of messages yesterday, in one of them said he thinks.i enjoy the attention of my ExH and that I deserve all the abuse and harassment I get from him (I dont enjoy it atall and dont communicate with him unless absolutely have too regarding DC) the same guy that stood by me as I went through numerous police statements, court system etc telling me how strong I was and doing the right thing by me and my DC :(

I keep going over and over in my head all the horrible things hes said and I hate how its making me feel

It seems to me that you might benefit from your own thread.

There was a post on here a few months back where the OPs BF dumped her out of the blue by text, which ended with "No need to reply." So (with the encouragement of mumsnet) she resisted temptation and didn't send him a single message or call. All was quiet for a while and then he started messaging her again more and more frequently and she still didn't reply. All he could take from her silence was that now she was completely indifferent to him.

Which, I think, esp when you're dealing with abusive and manipulative men, is far more powerful than messaging back, telling them to stop bothering you, that it's over, why can't they see that, they're a cunt, they're abusive etc. They don't give a shit about what you think of them or how hurt you are, but they do get off on knowing you're bothered by them and they're still able to have an effect on you: absolutely don't give them the satisfaction.

RED FLAG! Take heed of it! I ignored legions of them in a relationship and I can tell you I paid dearly.

I have had a bit of a slip but no major damage.

I ordered pizza for the kids, our front door is difficult to find as the road leads to the back, so when I had a call from a withheld number I answered expecting it to be the delivery person.

We spoke a bit, I probably should have just hung up but it's hard, as much as I know he is no good for me I still have feelings I guess.

It was just more of the same, he loves me, he was planning to propose, he doesn't know why he did it, I should know he would never actually hurt me, he can't move on, I should be his wife.

I wouldn't back down, I just kept saying we don't work as a couple and we need to call it a day and we ended the call with him saying he will love me forever.

I feel sad yes, but I don't regret my decision and I don't have any doubts that splitting up is the right thing for me.

Apparently he just needed me to know that he loves me.

You did amazing to stand your ground and stick by your decision. Well done.

I'm hoping I can get where you are x

Nicely handled.

Let's see if he now respects your wishes. I hope so. Doesn't seem likely given that whole conversation was him whining for sweeties though, and of course he tricked you into talking to him.

What planet is he on?! You say "this is not working for me, we are done" and he says "you should marry me!!!!!!" Your feelings don't even cross his mind for a second, they might as well not exist.

It's like he thinks the grand gesture of marriage will bowl me over but I have always been the reluctant one!

If he had come on and said look I screwed up because this or that, I understand how I made you feel and I intend to address it in this way. Then I would have been more likely to crumble.

Jumping to - you should be my wife, without dealing with the problem is just ridiculous.

Yep, still all about him OP, still no genuine heartfelt apology. No understanding of the effects of what he did. You handled it well. I hope he leaves you alone now for good. You will naturally feel sad even though you know it’s the right thing to do. Keep busy and look forward OP. Well done 💐

Bear in mind that much of his behaviour is subconscious. He probably doesn't mean to be a cunt, doesn't realise he is one and probably isn't consciously plotting how to be a more successful cunt. None of that matters to you. A cunt he is and a cunt he will always be. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he doesn't mean it so he can be excused. The outcome matters far more than the intent.

Apologies for the language but sometimes there is no better word for people like him.

Jumping to - you should be my wife, without dealing with the problem is just ridiculous.

He clearly thinks marriage and proposals are a prize for him to bestow upon you that will make you jump back in line with your eagerness to claim the "prize".

That's something I have always wondered about abusive people, do they plan it, do they know they are doing it. It's fascinating really.

I have just booked onto some extra classes this week. Thinking if I wear myself out enough I will be too tired to give him headspace.

We have bootcamp tomorrow, box con Friday, HIIT step and beat box Saturday and group PT Sunday. Then back to lifting weights Monday. It gets me out of the house and releases all of the endorphins. That's got to help hasn't it.

Stay strong OP. You mentioned having a year 11 DS.... I'm sure you'd be mortified if when he grew up he treated his GF like this.

Men like him do not know the meaning of love. You don't treat someone you supposedly love the way he's treated you.... and if that's his definition of love, you don't need it.

He's trying everything he can to get you back, because he ain't much of a catch and would find it difficult to get another woman to put up with his nonsense in normal times, never mind during a global pandemic when everyone is keeping their distance.

I mean he's

That's something I have always wondered about abusive people, do they plan it, do they know they are doing it. It's fascinating really.

I agree it is fascinating. When you look at the way adult abusers behave, there are remarkable similarities with the behaviours and tactics of bullies that most of us experienced as young children. I've come to the conclusion that abusers are just bullies that have never emotionally matured. I've fallen foul of a few of them over the years but experience has taught me that it is futile trying to understand them or to change them. They are what they are and the most pragmatic thing I can do is just not let the fuckers get close enough to hurt me. Older and wiser now so into the bin they go as soon as they reveal themselves. There are almost 8 billion people in the world. That means there are more than enough decent ones to choose from without me having to gamble on arseholes.

Him wanting to marry you is his way of handing you a carrot, so that it's even harder for you to leave him when he starts up his abuse again.

Maybe the phone call will actually give you some closure. Instead of the relationship ending with a silly argument, you've had a few days headspace and are still clear that this is over. You've told him so and he's had the opportunity to grandstand his big marriage gesture.
You will still have feelings for him, but they will go. You're right to give this manipulative man and toxic relationship a swerve.
Don't get sucked into any more contact.

Christ, he's persistant. He doesn't like being ignored or told no.

Calling from withheld numbers, how many times has he tried to call? I thought he might have got the message by now.

I would keep a log of the withheld numbers.

So he still won't respect your boundries.

And he just needed me to know that he loves me. He needed. He needed.

Learn from my experience of using exercise to manage mental health:

exercise a lot due to anxiety => overdo it => injury => weeks of no/light exercise => shit mental health