I wish I could punch you.

[FunorFitness]

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

You don't have to justify ending your relationship to anyone, not even the ex.

He sounds like a petulant child, and that is not an attractive quality in a grown man.

Bag up anything of his and send one last message for his stuff to be collected (if applicable).

Then keep him blocked.

Melanie tonia Evan's does a good youtube video on 9 types of narcissistic hoovering! Might be worth a look. I think she misses out how they may use mutual friends and family to hoover though so maybe read up on that too.

Well done on getting rid. Good thing he wasnt able to trap you into living together. If he has keys it might be wise to change your locks though!

Agree with other people, depends whether this is a one off and he's a 'gentle giant' who wouldn't hurt a fly...

...or whether he has frequent outbursts and/or difficulty controlling his temper...and whether things are escalating.

If it's the latter then you don't want to risk being in physical danger.

But you could let him know that this is the reason and give him the chance to seek help with anger management before anything physically violent happens.

@category12

The thing about having been in a worse abusive relationship previously is that it skews your perspective and "lesser" abusive behaviours can end up normalised and tolerated.

This guy may not be the level 10 abuser you experienced before (yet), but he is displaying tons of abusive behaviours, which are escalating, and should your level of commitment increase, his abuse will too.

The only acceptable level of abuse should be zero.

Please ditch him.

He will say things like, I'm the best you ever had, you won't get better than me. Your husband battered you, are you gonna go back to him.

The thing is I would be quite happy on my own, I have a full life and enjoy the peace when he is sulking with me. I only end up getting back with him out of guilt and because I know he loves me and because I have taken him back so many times I might as well just give up and carry on because it will happen anyway.

I feel embarrassed too that I keep saying this time it's really over, then end up backing down. I don't even tell people that we have had a row or he as blocked me or whatever because I feel like it's a bit of a joke so I just lie when people ask how we are getting on and say oh yea fine.

Heads up 99% of the time 'insecurity' in an adult man is actually just control/a con before the abuse starts, in disguise.

If you find yourself thinking 'oh maybe he is just a little insecure', that's usually a warning to get yourself off like a shot. Of course it depends somewhat on context. But if its regards to you and your relationship with them, it's usually a red flag.

Lol 'you'll never do better than me' is like textbook abusive bastard.

And fyi pretty much anyone would be better than someone like him. Or just being single! So you can watch the racing in peace :)

Nothing specific to add other than I agree 100% with other posters, this man is bad news, please stay away.

He's clearly been using your past abuse against you - and now he's capitalising on your fear of being 'battered' by threatening just that.

You'll feel empowered now you've pulled the plug on this for good. No more embarrassment.

In future, do not even hint at an abusive past to potential partners. It's a green light to some men to carry on where your ex left off.

Get out get out get out. Don't be ashamed, just mean it this time. Take steps to ensure he cannot disturb your peace. Xx

You don't owe this man anything, let alone a relationship here.

I would also urge you to enrol onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid before embarking on another relationship. Your boundaries, indeed already weakened by your abusive ex H have been further lowered by this individual. You have indeed tried to change yourself to fit in and around him and his myriad of moods (his sulking and silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse). Like so many victims of previous abuse too, you've gone from one abuser type to another.

Am not totally surprised you have not really told anyone in your real life circle as abuse like you describe from him does indeed thrive on secrecy. Bust this wide open now, do not keep this a secret. Any of your own sense of shame or embarrassment here re him is totally misplaced.

I just lie when anyone asks how we're getting on and say oh yea fine

I would advise telling friends or family what he's like and the reasons you are splitting up. Make it real and get a support network around you. Then you won't doubt yourself and fall for his excuses. Stop pretending!

You don't deserve any of this. Well done for recognising that

Oh its an ego thing, he looked really stupid when you pointed out the lack of a Monaco grand prix this year and he's the expert who's been watching it for 20 years

Apart from saying he wants to punch you is someone who is so up his own arse that attractive??
Have fun watch the next race on your own!

@FunorFitness

He will say things like, I'm the best you ever had, you won't get better than me.
So .. no need for anyone else but him in your life? No friends? No family? Nobody but him? Is this where he's planning on leading you?

Your husband battered you, are you gonna go back to him.
If he truly loved and respected you, he'd be the opposite of the previous person whose abusive behaviours you managed to escape, wouldn't he?

Don't be guilted into a "toxic" relationship that you don't want - especially the way you felt in the beginning, when you were not wholeheartedly wanting a romantically involved relationship.

I think I have always felt like I owed him something, he wanted to be with me for years and I made us stay friends as he lived so far away. Then he said he was coming home and I agreed to give us a try.

At the end if the day, OP, the decision is yours. How do you want to live your life? 🌹

The more you say, the more objectionable he seems.
You're already worn down into accepting and minimizing.
Please don't take him back. Speak to a friend, get some support in real life.

The thing is I would be quite happy on my own, I have a full life and enjoy the peace when he is sulking with me. I only end up getting back with him out of guilt and because I know he loves me and because I have taken him back so many times I might as well just give up and carry on because it will happen anyway.

You got free of your previous abuser, there's no reason you cannot get rid of this one.

It's not love he has for you, or at least, it's a warped, "poisoned chalice" kind of love.

You can't stay with someone out of guilt - what are you guilty of, exactly? Wanting to be treated properly?

Why is him doing sad-face and crocodile tears more important than your own happiness and well-being? You are a worthwhile person in your own right, you don't owe him a relationship.

You owe yourself love, care and peace.

What about being on your own for a while? It’s really great not to be answerable to anybody. You don’t need to be in a relationship.

Those dating be in your own, I think that's what I want. I just have to not get drawn back in out of some guilt or sense of obligation.

We were friends a long time before we went got together and that is what I will miss.

I don't think it really matters what the opinions of others are. You feel that he has crossed a line and his behaviour has upset you and, more significantly, frightened you. Block him and remind yourself how peaceful it is, and how safe you feel, when he is not around.

However, I would be getting shot of him. Be strong

If he tries to guilt trip you, you just say 'we've tried and it isnt working. Neither of us are happy. And that isnt good enough for me. And it shouldnt be for you either. We've tried but let's draw a line under it'.

Basically that makes it sounds like its mutual and mutually beneficial. When may help stop his ego being hurt because he feels he is being dumped.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Him being an abusive asshole aside, the fact that you arent happy in this relationship would be enough to end it. You don't owe anyone a relationship.

And you deserve better friends than him too!
Dont let him convince you into staying friends. Because he is not your friend. He does not want good things for you.

*which may help stop

Am I over reacting?

Absolutely not! It's not a normal thing to say. Maybe if someone said it in a really jokey way, but he presumably didn't.

I'm the best you ever had, you won't get better than me

This is kind of classic emotional abuse, and/or narcissistic.

Please don't have anything more to do with him. x

Not normal and unacceptable, please end it as you deserve so much better. For context, DP and I had a similar -discussion- on the weekend and I knew I was right but he was being smug. 5 mins later he realised I was right and bought me Nandos as an apology

He's a wrong'un OP.

No decent person would say that to someone they care for, especially if that person has previously been physically abused.

He's not a safe place for you. See the love bombing for what it is, a means to an end.

No, not overreacting at all.

It's a threat! He is telling you what he is capable of, and what he would like to do.

Don't give him the chance.

@FunorFitness

I think I never really saw him as abusive, he doesn't hit me, he doesn't stop me going out, doesn't control what I wear or spy on me with a hidden camera.

I just thought he is a bit moody and insecure.

Name calling and ignoring is emotional/verbal abuse op. As damaging as physical abuse.

It doesn't have to be physical to be violent.

He has never expressed a wish to hurt me before though. - so he's escalating. Please be strong this time. He did threaten you. You said you felt frightened.. so he did threaten you!

When he does hit you (if you stay) it will be your fault "you drove me to it, I didn't want to do it"

He is testing your boundaries. Make this the one stays up!