I wish I could punch you.

[FunorFitness]

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

It would be over (not I!)

I hate it when they try and use other people to manipulate you back. I mean how dare they! Tell your sister to block the bastard too. And tell her why and that you are sure he will try to manipulate her too. Forewarned is forarmed.

Be aware he may reach out to others around you. May tell them he is worried about you. Or act like he is really sorry and in need of forgiveness so that they pity him and fight his corner to you. Warn ppl in advance that it is over this time and that he made you feel unsafe in your own home so you absolutely dont want him in your life in any capacity. Nor to hear anything about him. Or for them to relationship anything about your life back to him. If you suspect any mutual friends would do the later, remove them from your life too.

*or for them to relay anything

All that game playing he did - blocking, changng his pic to quotes etc; that's all very teenagerish. You are well rid for that alone, apart from the obvious stuff like his mantrums and aggression.

That's exactly what he does, he tells my sister he is worried about me or tells her to look after me, he tells her how much he loves me.

But here is the killer. When I wouldn't start a relationship with him because of the distance he asked my sister would she go for a drink with him next time he is home visiting. They knew each other from school, I am a few years younger than them.

He denies it and says she asked him but I believe my sister.

So she said no anyway because she knew he held a torch for me and she didn't want to be a substitute. And then about a year later he came home for good and we started a relationship.

Then when we had a row he used to say, well I picked the wrong sister didn't I. He hasn't said it for ages and I know he just used to say it to try and get a reaction out of me.

That all sounds grim for your sister too. If I were her I'd have him blocked and deleted now.

Hmm. What a prince

Whether it was a throwaway comment or not, that is unacceptable language imo.

@Ilovetheseventies

Playing devil's advocate here. Perhaps you do this alot? Perhaps he finds Yr attitude irritating. You've only been watching it a year and he twenty that you have to get one up on him? I could punch my DP sometimes because of his know it all behaviour. I'm not saying you are like this but there maybe another side to this.

There it is... the blaming of the op for the threat of violence against her.

You wait long enough, they always pop up!!

Badically he tried to make you feel you were competing with your own sister. What a creep. He will probably want you to feel he will try his luck again with her if you don't fall in line.

But warn your sister that he has been abusive to you and it is escalating and you are actually freaked he will go stalker on you and ask her to be careful because HE isnt right in the head. That way he becomes 'creepy' (which no girl would date even if she was interested at first) and also you make it clear he is the one with the issues before he can claim you are.

Definately read up on narcissists hoovering tactics just incase. Hopefully that'll help you anticipate his next moves. Though I'm definately thinking that long rambling email/letter will be one. He sounds the sort.

I’m shocked and sad for you @FunorFitness he has been horrible to you and the sneaky nature in which he has done it is a very bad sign. I feel you will be a lot happier without him. The changing profile photo etc is also so odd. He sounds like a completely abusive weirdo to be honest. I hope you never have the misfortune of seeing him every again. Good luck and stay strong.

My sister is now living with her new fiancé so I don't think he will go down that route again although he will be trying to check up on me via her.

I think when I don't unblock him he will probably send flowers or email my work email.

The thing is he was with me being the 'supportive friend' when I had to go to court and get a restraining order and two non molestation orders against my ex so he knows if he just starts turning up etc that I will take it further because I have done it before.

I hope when I stick to my guns and don't unblock him he will give up and just play the sympathy card with all and sundry, how he loves me so much and I am a bitch, slag, user blah blah.

Let them think what they want, I don't even feel like I need to justify myself to anyone.

Yeah, sod him. Anyone who believes his shit isn't your friend anyway. Hopefully he will et the message soon and stop pestering you then!

You sound very sensible, and like you are doing exactly the right thing getting out before things escalate. The only thing I would suggest is that you unblock him long enough to send him one message making it clear that it is over and you do not want any further contact from him. Otherwise he has the excuse that he is worried and doesn't know what is going on, and may use it to keep trying to contact you, or badger your family.

Christ op every update makes him look worse. Do not go back to this man.

I hope you are finally seeing how manipulative and unpleasant this guy is. The comments about your sister are pretty grim.
I think he has done a good job of hiding it for a while but his colours are showing now.

Your whole mindset is classic abuse victim mentality and that is because he has been abusing you. You just haven't seen it clearly due to a mix of your previous relationship and because your confidence and self-esteem has been eroded by his and your ex's abusive behaviour.

Try and stop worrying about how he might manipulate his way back into your life. Realise your worries of that are exactly because he is an abusive person who will do whatever he can to dominate and control you. Block him if you like but you don't need technology to get him out of your life. You need to believe in your own self-worth enough to tell him clearly and decisively to fuck right off forever. No ifs, no buts, no more second chances.

You owe him nothing and he will not change. Any promises he makes are just empty lies to get you back on the hook so that he can slowly ramp up the abuse again.

@FunorFitness

Then when we had a row he used to say, well I picked the wrong sister didn't I. He hasn't said it for ages and I know he just used to say it to try and get a reaction out of me.
What an utter slug this creature is. You certainly do not need anything like this in your life, or to waste your mental energy on a person who doesn't measure up to you.

Well done OP shovelling him out of your life. Take some time out completely without feeling the need to replace him yet - just enjoy your space and yes, give your friends and your sister the heads up on what he's likely to react. You can so much do better than this stalker. 🌹

Replacing him is not on my agenda, I think time alone is exactly what I need. He was supposed to be different, to be the reliable, down to Earth normal guy and I misjudged him totally so I clearly need to work on my own boundaries and stuff before dating anyone else. I thought I had it right with this one and I was so wrong.

Please enrol yourself onto Women's Aid's Freedom Programme; this will help in your ongoing recovery from abuse.

Urgh, that changing his WhatsApp pic shit sounds unbelievably tedious and puerile! No wonder you feel peaceful, having made the decision to have nothing more to do with this pillock. Good on you for not accepting shitty treatment.

@FunorFitness

Replacing him is not on my agenda, I think time alone is exactly what I need. He was supposed to be different, to be the reliable, down to Earth normal guy and I misjudged him totally so I clearly need to work on my own boundaries and stuff before dating anyone else. I thought I had it right with this one and I was so wrong.

Good plan 👍 But, don't be too hard on yourself. You have twigged this guy is no good for you.

Well done, keep going. xxx

Well done, keep going !
Your posts made me twitch because it’s awful how much we think our partner is just a bit insecure/grumpy or whatever when really they are nothing but a male abuser cliche out to wear us down and live in fear.
I’m sorry that he supported you throughout your last breakup and has turned into another abuser. Unfortunately the statistics show this is entirely feasible. Take some time alone and as PP have said, please do the freedom program. It makes such a difference if you can.
You have the power to tell him to fuck off.

So many wise people on Mumsnet. Maybe one day I will be able to spot these people a mile off as easily as you all seem to.

I am back in work in the office tomorrow so I will be really busy and not tempted to moon around over him.

I also have an exercise challenge to focus on so meal preps to plan and macros to calculate. Planning to make myself so busy I don't have time to second guess myself and have doubts.

I have been trying to end this relationship all year but each time I feel sorry for him and get sucked back in. Well not this time. No way!