I wish I could punch you.

[FunorFitness]

Dp and I had a stupid row yesterday. I will detail it anyway just because I don't want to drip feed or anything later.

We were watching the F1 and talking about the colours of the tyres, I am a new fan and only started watching this year.

I mentioned that they only have 3 colours, red yellow and white. He insisted there were 7 colours (we agree there are additional wet tyres). Anyway he is getting really het up about it and gloating that he is right, he had watched F1 for 20 years why would do I think I know better than him when I have only watched this year.
So I say well I have only seen those 3 colours so far this year, and he says ohhhhh so if you haven't seen them they don't exist. So I say no, that's not what i said, I just said I haven't seen any other colour, which race were they in?

By this point he is being really quite nasty and blowing it up out of proportion, so I was trying to put it on more of a conversational tone by asking which race, letting him educate me and diffuse the situation a bit.

Well he said Monaco. And I said they haven't raced at Monaco yet.

So he stood up and said really nastily, I wish I could punch you sometimes.

Now he has 6 stone on me so to have him stood over me basically saying he wants to punch me is not acceptable so I told him to leave.

So the point of my post is that I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. Next time maybe he won't be able to hold back.

Am I over reacting? Is it just a throw away comment and I am twisting it? He didn't say he was going to punch me, just that he wished he could.

The thing is though, you don't have to justify to him why you're ending it. He doesn't feel the need to treat you equally by not being an aggressive, bullying twat. Why should you feel the need to put him before you by continuing in a toxic relationship? You don't need a reason or to explain to him or feel bad about it. It just shows the level of socialisation towards women that leads to us feeling we have to play nice and men that they feel they deserve to control and have the upper hand. Just bin him, it's not worth it.

I just thought he is a bit moody and insecure

Which is understandable in a teenager - but a fully adult man?

He isn't that anyway, he's a common or garden abuser, follwing the script of abuse/love bombing.

You are right, and your boundaries are good. End it whilst you don't live together, and all other additional complications. Don't feel daft over the tyres thing. It's an indication of a lot more shit from him. If it makes you feel better, the final straw in my 20 yr marriage was when he signed up for online dating. Because I wouldn't go owl-watching with him one night. Apparently.

Worried about your high bar for what abusive is. Someone calling you names and giving you the silent treatment is abusive! Especially if over such piffling stuff as this argument. It’s horrible! Do you want a partner who calls you names? Even if he then didn’t threaten violence? And it was a threat.

He’s hoping you’ll accept the “wish I could hit you” because then he can ramp it up to “stop it or I will hit you” and then actually hitting you. Then he WILL be controlling you because you’ll be desperate to avoid being hit.

Is he encouraging you to move in together etc?

Purely generically, I'd have said that "I wish I could punch you sometimes" signals that he clearly knows that he cannot, must not, etc. But you know him and we don't.

I feel like he crossed a line with that comment, I felt threatened, he is a good 6 an a half stone heavier than me, expressing a wish to punch me is just not on. I agree with PPs; you have to trust your instincts.

Also - IF this is just rhetorical, or a throwaway comment, or a badly-phrased expression of frustration - would a decent person not apologise/reassure you once he saw how upset you were/are about it? There COULD be a specific reason he reacted so strongly/inappropriately - why "I wish I could punch you" and not "I wish I could reason with you" or "I wish you'd trust me on matters in which I consider myself an expert" or even "I wish you'd stop talking right now" - but if he won't talk about it you can't know.

@WitchWife

Worried about your high bar for what abusive is. Someone calling you names and giving you the silent treatment is abusive! Especially if over such piffling stuff as this argument. It’s horrible! Do you want a partner who calls you names? Even if he then didn’t threaten violence? And it was a threat.

He’s hoping you’ll accept the “wish I could hit you” because then he can ramp it up to “stop it or I will hit you” and then actually hitting you. Then he WILL be controlling you because you’ll be desperate to avoid being hit.

Is he encouraging you to move in together etc?

Yes he wants us to live together, get married and have a baby.

I have said no. I don't want a baby which I have said right from the start and I have a copper coil and take the pill as well so he knows it's not negotiable for me. I especially don't want one in a relationship as rocky as this.

I also wouldn't be in a rush to live with another man. I like having my own home, my own security that no one else has a claim over. I pay my own way and don't feel trapped.

My ex husband was properly abusive and it was difficult to leave him as we were financially entangled and I don't ever want to be in that situation again.

You’re well rid of this unpleasant bullying man. Don’t let him wheedle his way back. If he wanted to punch you over tyre colours, imagine how he would react under real pressure.

It's a case of him not being as bad as your ex.... yet!

Did you do the Freedom Programme?

You are well shot of him

I read the book and the other one that is recommended on here a lot, think it's why does he do that? I need to read both again clearly.

Echo what others said - get rid! Massive red flag!

Also have a think - deep down are you REALLY interested in F1 or were you getting into it to appease him or connect with him? I only say this as I have a history of being subsumed by my partners because of poor boundaries.

If you ARE into F1 - go and find better company next time you watch it and enjoy

I feel so stupid ending a relationship over tyres but it was his reaction

No need to feel stupid. You're not ending a relationship over tyres. You're ending a relationship over aggression and the threat of violence. And that is a MORE than justifiable reason.

You need to set your bar even higher if you've been in an abusive relationship. Luckily, you do have better boundaries, but really, the very first time he displayed that type of tantrum behaviour, it should have been over and no going back.

He's abusive.

I’d leave him firstly for the fact he can’t cope that you’re right about something and he’s wrong. He’s belittling you in the argument, making out you don’t know better than him, what a twat. I’m glad you’ve seen him for what he is, a nasty insecure idiot. That’s why you’re ending it, he sulks and has a nasty temper, he thinks he’s right about everything. Men like this don’t change.

The fact he’d also like to punch you just tops off what a horrible person he is. As pp have said how would he react if you had an argument about something that really mattered?? He’d never back down and concede he was in the wrong. He comes across as a misogynist as he can’t stand a women being right about something he, as a man, understands better than you.

I would t stay in a relationship with someone like that you could threaten violence. With regards to the ridiculous argument you both sound as petty as each other.

It's worth being aware that abusive behaviour takes many forms. Sometimes it can be hard to recognise.

I used to excuse my partner's treatment of me with "he's tired, stressed at work, in one of his moods, he had a difficult upbringing, he's insecure" or even start to think it was my fault "I wound him up, made a silly comment, I've annoyed him"

The bottom line is you're not his emotional punch bag, you should never have to monitor how you act or what you say to pacify his moods.

Something dies in you every time he calls you a vile name, belittles your opinion or loses his temper with you. This is not how good equal relationships are. Do you honestly want to sleep with someone who can call you names and wants to punch you?

Please don't ignore the alarm bells in your head over this man !

@netsybetsy

Echo what others said - get rid! Massive red flag!

Also have a think - deep down are you REALLY interested in F1 or were you getting into it to appease him or connect with him? I only say this as I have a history of being subsumed by my partners because of poor boundaries.

If you ARE into F1 - go and find better company next time you watch it and enjoy

I actually really enjoy it and watch it without him still when he is sulking with me. It's far more exciting than I ever have it credit for.

I am grateful for how honest you are all being. I don't want to just be a man hating shrew who just says all men are abusive just because I am bitter about my ex husband. But so many of you are pointing it out, that's not a coincidence.

I need to just ignore the inevitable love bombing and stay firm this time. Not be guilted into being in a miserable relationship.

I have so many other things that are great in my life I don't know why I accept this behaviour.

He is clearly escalating

Next time, or some time in the future, he will punch you

From what you have said you already have to placate this man to manage his "moods"

Keep him gone this time.

This gave me chills. Having lived through exactly this, my best advice is to not let him back. It makes you wonder how many other occasions, in his eyes, that he deems you worthy of being punched. The pressure to marry and have a baby is a red flag too. To a man like this, you are a commodity and he’s showing you how you need to stay in your place. He may ‘just’ using words right now but it’s not worth risking.

He's abusive as well
Have you done the freedom programme? It might help to avoid this in future
Don't take him back

@FunorFitness

I feel so stupid ending a relationship over tyres but it was his reaction, he was so mad and going all red faced and blustery, totally out of all proportion to the subject.

You didn't end a relationship over F1 tyre colours, but an implicit threat of violence towards you.

The fact he'd even consider that, and stand over you, intimidating you, is enough.

Thank goodness you don't live with him. Strength OP - you deserve better than this. 🌹

Regardless of what he might have to say in the matter (doesn't count anyway, he's got an agenda - to keep you and then keep you in line), he was threatening you and his behaviour was abusive towards you.

A man doesn't have to be all the things you listed to be abusive but he can be abusive anyway. What you have described of his behaviour is emotional abuse and is designed to be subtler than hitting you/spying on you etc. It is insidious and makes it harder to spot in the long run but the end result = abuse.

Good for you blocking him, was going to suggest you do that. You may feel you owe him face to face chat if he turns up at your door - jump up and down on that urge! You owe him nothing, you don't want to chat about it. His behaviour is unacceptable full stop you don't want to see or hear from him again full stop

If he persists please do call the police and let them know, it could be the start of an episode of stalking/intimidation to wear you down and let him back in.

This man is clearly dangerous - who on earth stands up to tower over someone and says they want to punch you? Really not ok from anyone but particularly so from someone physically larger and stronger than you!

Don't put up with man child tantrums in the future. It's unpleasant for you to experience and sets the tone for the relationship - manchild strops, you appease for a quiet life. Escalating to you walking on egg shells and his strops becoming more frequent/more dangerous.
So the first time a new man does this wave them goodbye straight away!

I think I have known that the relationship needs to end for awhile, I just have to find the strength to stay firm this time. Because I always back down and have him back it has set a precedent and everyone just expects that is what will happen.

I dint want to keep going through it. I need to just keep him blocked and ignore him.

You can see he is abusive by the way he needs to 'win' and also by the way you instinctively tried to 'de-esculate' the argument by agreeing with him.

Abusers create arguments out of nothing. And when you attempt to change the subject, you show weakness...and weakness is actually their cue to bite harder (not to compromise or like a normal person would).

The threat to hit was just icing on the cake.

The thing about having been in a worse abusive relationship previously is that it skews your perspective and "lesser" abusive behaviours can end up normalised and tolerated.

This guy may not be the level 10 abuser you experienced before (yet), but he is displaying tons of abusive behaviours, which are escalating, and should your level of commitment increase, his abuse will too.

The only acceptable level of abuse should be zero.

Please ditch him.

OP as others have said, trust your instincts. This guy is not the one for you.
Tantrums and intimidating behaviour, along with thoughts of wanting to punch you sometimes are just not right.
You've been in an abusive relationship before, did you tell your new partner about the abuse?