Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

282 replies

OldGirl72 · 06/09/2020 12:02

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it nowHmm. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/09/2020 14:45

Clearly that isn't the case because she says she knows he doesn't like doing it but didn't stop it because she enjoys it. So she knew he didn't like it, he wasn't hiding that fact but she went along with it anyway.
Fair enough, I wouldn't do something with my partner if it was clear that he definitely did not like it. I can do this gymnastics thing with enough enthusiasm that my partner would not guess I feel a bit old for it. Tbh even the "good" sex that OP and DP had sounds miserable if he was reluctant and she had to shut one eye to that fact.

decreeing that it's a normal part of sex so he should be ok with doing it I think people were disagreeing with his obvious non-argument that people over the age of 50 should just have missionary sex.

EDSGFC · 07/09/2020 14:48

@Julie879

You are not responsible for providing sexual acts in a relationship that you are uncomfortable with.

However you are responsible in a mature , monogamous relationship to provide at least communication about what you want and need in a fair manner. The OPs husband hasn't done this and he hasn't provided a situation where it may easily happen either. Saying they are too old for "dirty sex" has shut down that conversation pretty effectively. In the situation the OP is in I think she is absolutely within her rights to rethink her relationship.

So has the op communicated what she wants and needs in a fair manner?

I agree that she's within her rights to think about whether she stays in the relationship or not but I just don't agree with the opinions of other posters that he pretty much should just man up and carry on.

tornadoalley · 07/09/2020 15:07

He's using age as an excuse. Frankly he wouldn't get sex at all if, for me, it was without the chance of orgasm.

Julie879 · 07/09/2020 15:14

@EDSGFC

I don't think he should man up and carry in at all, I think he's been unfair in his reasoning and delivery. I think if he had just said " I don't want to do this" it would have been both more honest and kinder. That's my opinion and obviously subjective.

I think a lot of the responses have been caused by the manner in which he did it, it has maybe got to people in a personal level. I know it has got me thinking.

IndieTara · 07/09/2020 15:19

I find it strange that a

EDSGFC · 07/09/2020 15:25

@Julie879

I think, as with a lot of threads, it's really difficult to unpick what's going on.

I would imagine there are very few of us that haven't made an excuse or told a white lie at some point in our lives. Maybe that's the case here, he thinks it would be hurtful to give the real reason, or even to say that he just doesn't want to. Maybe he's telling the truth and does indeed have some beliefs about what sex should be like at a certain age or maybe there's another reason entirely.

It's so hard to get to the crux of the issue on here because we only get one side and also so little detail.

I am always astounded by the reactions depending on whether it's a man or a woman, particularly when it comes to sex, and I think that's quite dangerous. I don't think any of us should be perpetuating the myth that someone should be shamed, guilted or emotionally black mailed into performing a sex act, regardless of their sex.

anyhue · 07/09/2020 17:44

It's also a question of how much out of your comfort/preference zone you are willing to go for your DH. In my case, DH is not really into oral (give, or receive), but he knows that I like both, and he's continued to participate. He'll also initiates (so I never get the feeling that I always having to ask for something).

Some silly other examples:

  • I essentially give up drinking about 10 years ago, just lost interest! However, DH likes to sit down with a bottle of wine on a Friday night, so I also have a glass with him, because he doesn't like drinking alone.
  • I really don't care for Indian food, he really likes it. We usually go out to eat to an Indian he really likes about every month. I go there because he likes it a lot.
  • In the bedroom, there are a few things DH likes, that are not really so interesting for me, but I know what he likes and any happy to go along with things.
galgaf12 · 07/09/2020 20:22

If you don't like this you're free to leave.

There I've sorted it out.

galgaf12 · 07/09/2020 20:23

Sorry I've just read the OP is a woman.

She's a twat. Kick him out.

galgaf12 · 07/09/2020 20:23

He's...

Isthisit22 · 07/09/2020 21:57

@OldGirl72

Thanks for all the replies.

I had thought about taste/smell going ‘off’ with age Grin but I haven’t noticed anything, not that I’ve tasted it myself! I drink a lot of water as I’m naturally sporty and eat lots of fruit and veg, and am always showered/bathed before bed and keep myself well groomed down there.

He’s always suffered from PE and preferred quick sex with little in terms of foreplay and it literally takes seconds. I’ve put up with that as normally we’d have a second round where he lasted longer but the last few years, we haven’t had much privacy with teens being up late and he couldn’t be bothered a lot of the time, so oral was the only way I’d get any satisfaction. He would be quite happy with morning ‘spooning’ sex with little touching, just in and 2/3 thrusts later, out and that does feel like I’m just a hole. He prefers mornings as he feels less tired and he always wakes up with a hard on so why not use it. Any action at night where there’s a bit of foreplay involved only happens twice a month if that. It’s very frustrating for me.

We have talked and talked but he just says ‘that’s how I feel’. Nothing has happened in his life to explain it. No depression that I’m aware of or can sense.

It seems like a massive overreaction and very selfish to divorce over shit sex though, especially at our age! We’ve been together 25 years, have 5 DC (youngest is 9). Not sure I could do that to themSad.

I really hate vibrators and they do nothing for me!

This makes it all so much worse.

Basically he is very selfish sexually.

Tell him you think 30 seconds thrusting sex is dirty and you're too old to be used as a hole therefore there will be no more sex.

I'm angry for you OP that someone who is supposed to love you is happy for you to not be satisfied while he is.
Don't put up with it anymore. If you stop giving him his orgasm then I'm sure he'd change his tune

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/09/2020 16:18

I can’t believe the responses on here
Ridiculously hypocritical and prejudice.
If a DH can in here saying his DW doesn’t want anal sex anymore would certain posters call her a selfish pig?? Would they accept his argument that it was the only way he could have an orgasim so she had to do it. I very much doubt it.
In fact if the genders were switched here those same posters would still be blaming him. I really wish ppl would take that man hating views of here as it helps no one.
This maybe disappointing for you but I am not sure how you would be comfortable doing a sexual activity that yoj know your partner hates, let alone orgasim from.
Can I suggest, instead of blaming him yoj open your mind and suggest other sexual positions you may both enjoy.

Terrace58 · 08/09/2020 16:21

He can set whatever boundaries he wants. However, he still has a responsibility to help you reach orgasm. If he doesn’t want to engage in a particular sex act, that is fine, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try other things and figure out something that works for both of you.

In other words, it’s not ok for him to be the only one who has an orgasm.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 16:35

This is why it is always advisable to dump shit sex partners or partners with whom you are incompatible sexually at the outset. It's a situation that usually never improves and leaves one person feeling used, frustrated or rejected. He was always shit at sex, OP.

Personally, I'd just take it off the table entirely.

He's allowed to feel how he does, and set whatever boundaries he does, but so are you. He doesn't have any responsibility to help you reach orgasm, but that's something someone who is in a loving relationship wants, mutual pleasure.

He doesn't. And all this 'get a vibrator' talk is depressing. It's not a substitute and it doesn't work for you.

I'd tell him no more sex, 'You're allowed to feel how you feel. I feel used and like just a hole so it's clear we won't be having sex anymore.'

Cheese, the problem is he is not up for 'opening up his mind'. He's told her point blank it's missionary and that's that.

EDSGFC · 08/09/2020 17:13

However, he still has a responsibility to help you reach orgasm.

Really? Maybe think about the repercussions of that view. Do women have the responsibility of helping their male partners reach orgasm - only that's the very opposite of what is usually spouted on here.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2020 17:18

Tell him it's pointless for you without an orgasm.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 17:20

I'd just take it off the table and tell him you feel like just a glorified wank sock, used like a convenient hole and not like you're in an adult, healthy, mature and loving relationship at all.

granny24 · 08/09/2020 18:54

I’m 73 and not to old.

Kyle19 · 09/09/2020 00:57

would he consider using his fingers?

VesperLynne · 09/09/2020 05:34

I guess with enough “ persuasion” you can get him to continue performing a sexual act you know he’s not entirely comfortable with. Just something he has to do.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/09/2020 05:45

My Fiance and I are mid 40s and we do anything we can to ensure the other receives as much pleasure during sex as possible. We both love giving and receiving oral. With my ex the sex began to dwindle after a few years and for the last 4 years there was none. Its soul destroying, you question whether you are good enough both facially and bodily. To me 3 to 4 thrusts is as bad as no sex. You should consider your relationship and whether you can cope the rest of your life without sex

spikeymama · 09/09/2020 05:56

OP, how about stimulating yourself while he is in you....you’ll need a comfortable position to do this but it’s a win win if you can. We do this all the time...it’s great. No oral is not grounds to break up IMO.

pointythings · 09/09/2020 07:43

spikymama that isn't going to work if he only last for 3 or 4 thrusts. Honestly, I'd just take sex off the menu altogether if he hasn't got an answer to the 'what about me?' question. He doesn't get to dictate that it's missionary only from now on.

NoCauseRebel · 09/09/2020 07:53

And as usual double standards abound on here.

If a woman posted that her DH was threatening to divorce her because she didn’t like giving oral the response would be that she’d had a lucky escape and that he should fuck off.

Seriously, “responsibility to make her orgasm?” “Should do what it takes to satisfy her?” And yet if the situation was the other way around people would be saying he’s lucky to get any sex at all with that attitude.

So glad that consent apparently only works one way on MN. Hmm

pointythings · 09/09/2020 08:29

NoCauseRebel speaking for myself I wouldn't say any different if the sexes were reversed in this post. The point is that one partner doesn't get to dictate that they will only be having one kind of sex (which satisfies them but not their partner). There needs to be a discussion and mutual agreement.

Swipe left for the next trending thread