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Original poster

DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

282 replies

OldGirl72 · 06/09/2020 12:02

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it nowHmm. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

OP posts:
EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 12:07

EDSGF, I see the point you're making to some extent, but I'm interested in the bit about whether or not we should care whether our partner has an orgasm/is satisfied in bed. Are you saying that "He should care about you having an orgasm" is wrong?

I think in a consensual, mutual relationship then caring about your partner's enjoyment is a natural part of the relationship. I think the problems arise where one partner claims that they can only climax via one act and the other partner doesn't consent to the act. I don't think it matters the sex of the people involved, nor the particular act - consent is consent.

When I've seen discussions about sex on MN (and it's usually the opposite to this case ie the man wanting something) most posters insist that orgasm is not the responsibility of the other party. I don't see why this is different? One partner claims to be able to achieve orgasm in only one way - why is it the responsibility of their partner to enable this (even if they don't want to do it) or to figure out other ways?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 12:09

I do think some of the views expressed provide justification for abusive partners to insist that their needs are met, even if the other partner doesn't really want to. Where is the line and what crosses it?

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 12:13

It's not his responsibility to do it, no, but he should care about it, right? And act like he cares about it?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 12:21

@ravenmum

It's not his responsibility to do it, no, but he should care about it, right? And act like he cares about it?
So, him doing something that he didn't want to do, and didn't enjoy, for years just so that his partner enjoyed it isn't a sign of caring then?

What do you think should happen now? He has PE - how much responsibility does op have for managing that, on his behalf? If he's responsible for facilitating her enjoyment and working out other ways, is she not responsible for facilitating him and working out ways to overcome his PE?

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 12:26

It doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible, I don't think you ever were. He's entitled to the type of sex he likes as are you. If the two don't marry up then there is only really one option and that's to separate.

jewel1968 · 09/09/2020 12:27

@EDSGFC I think you make a valid point. OP perhaps you could explore (with your husband?) why you only orgasm through oral. Is there something you can both do to improve that? You simply can't expect someone to do a sex act they are uncomfortable with so that you can orgasm. To be honest knowing he didn't like it would ensure I didn't orgasm.

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 12:42

So, him doing something that he didn't want to do, and didn't enjoy, for years just so that his partner enjoyed it isn't a sign of caring then?
It was a sign of caring, yes. He's stopped doing it. People are suggesting he should find other ways to show he cares.

What do you think should happen now?
See above :)

is she not responsible for facilitating him and working out ways to overcome his PE?
As expressed earlier, I believe she should be showing that she cares about his enjoyment, too.

I was wondering why you were criticising the comment "He should care about you having an orgasm" - so you weren't actually criticising that? You think people should care about their partners' pleasure?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 12:48

People are suggesting he should find other ways to show he cares

Other ways to show he cares? Or other ways to satisfy her? Frankly, it's not down to him to figure out her body. She needs to work out what works for her and then communicate with him.

Again, flip the sexes. Would you honestly be telling a woman that she needs to find alternative ways to pleasure her partner, to show she cares?

This relationship sounds dysfunctional (and that's being polite). Their needs are incompatible and I'm not sure any sexual relationship is advisable because he's been doing something that he didn't want to for yours and she was happy to let it happen - that doesn't sound healthy and the boundaries are poor.

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 12:50

Would you honestly be telling a woman that she needs to find alternative ways to pleasure her partner, to show she cares?
That's not flipping the sexes. I'm not telling a man he should find alternative ways. I'm telling a woman how I think her dh should be behaving.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/09/2020 12:53

Does he know you can’t orgasm without oral? Make it clear to him if you haven’t already.

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 12:54

The only advice I have given to OP, for what she can do, is to try to have an honest talk to her dh about what is really going on. Apart from that I've just sympathised with her.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 13:08

@GrumpyHoonMain

Does he know you can’t orgasm without oral? Make it clear to him if you haven’t already.
And? Are you saying he needs to just do it then, if that's the only way?

I really hope some of you aren't in charge of educating teens about sex and consent.

BiBabbles · 09/09/2020 13:12

I've generally heard the opposite from some of the older men I've known (at least the ones who found giving out TMI was good fun). I've been told more than a few times that because of erectile dysfunction/heart issues that made it all more difficult/similar that they did more oral sex and that oral sex was their main form of sex since they couldn't enjoy penetrative sex anymore or at least not as much as they used to do.

The sex sounds shite, his attitude around sounds dreadful, and declaring how sex is going to be rather than openly discussing it. Like, there is no issue if he said he didn't like oral sex and didn't want to do it anymore (which isn't happened, he's just declared it too dirty for him), but relationships require dialogue and exploring options. What is he going to make a declaration about next with age as an excuse? It's just a bizarre way of communicating.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 13:17

@GrumpyHoonMain

Does he know you can’t orgasm without oral? Make it clear to him if you haven’t already

So he should do something he doesn’t like doing just to make his partner orgasm? That’s appalling advice. Coercing someone into a sex act they don’t like is not OK!!!

redastherose · 09/09/2020 13:26

If he won't do what you like in bed then you don't have to do anything with him either particularly where it leaves you feeling used and does nothing for you. Personally I would have to have a serious conversation with him stating that you are not too old, that sex is important to you and feeling fulfilled in that way is important too and that if he is saying that you are just going to be friends then you should separate and co-parent together. Life is too short to live most of it without feeling satisfied.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/09/2020 13:29

[quote BewilderedDoughnut]@GrumpyHoonMain

Does he know you can’t orgasm without oral? Make it clear to him if you haven’t already

So he should do something he doesn’t like doing just to make his partner orgasm? That’s appalling advice. Coercing someone into a sex act they don’t like is not OK!!![/quote]
So the fact that the Op’s dp is coercing her into a lifetime of unfulfilling sex doesn’t matter than? God Mn hates women

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/09/2020 13:30

@redastherose

If he won't do what you like in bed then you don't have to do anything with him either particularly where it leaves you feeling used and does nothing for you. Personally I would have to have a serious conversation with him stating that you are not too old, that sex is important to you and feeling fulfilled in that way is important too and that if he is saying that you are just going to be friends then you should separate and co-parent together. Life is too short to live most of it without feeling satisfied.
Exactly
EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 14:19

So the fact that the Op’s dp is coercing her into a lifetime of unfulfilling sex doesn’t matter than? God Mn hates women

Not as much as it hates men clearly.

Do you think a partner should have to engage in an act that they don't like if it's the only way of satisfying a partner?

IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 14:22

Who knows why he feels as he does? Maybe as a result of previous trauma, possibly sexual abuse, compounded by years of having done something that he didn't want to do?

Maybe, but he could try an open and honest discussion with his wife about it, couldn't he, rather than decreeing how it's going to be and using words like 'dirty'.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 14:49

But we don't know the dynamic of this relationship do we? Tbh, red flags are waiving for me given that op admits that she knows he doesn't like doing it but has let it slide because she does like it - how does she know he doesn't like it? Has he, intact, had that conversation with her? Possibly he's had enough of not being heard and so he's just saying "no" now.

StarlightLady · 09/09/2020 18:00

With reference to him only wanting “normal sex” from now on. Oral sex is normal sex.

WellThisWentWell · 09/09/2020 18:06

You misunderstand, perhaps deliberately. My point is that someone using the word 'dirty' as a pejorative/disapproving term smacks of someone with a prudish attitude to sex.

If you think dirty is pejorative, then you really shouldn’t use word like prudish.

WellThisWentWell · 09/09/2020 18:07

First paragraph was PP quote

DeadSouth · 09/09/2020 18:21

Honestly so surprised with most of the replies, if a woman came on here saying their DP felt entitled to oral because it was the only way he could orgasm there would be an uproar of it’s your body and your choice, do not feel coerced.
If he doesn’t want to give oral he doesn’t need to. Op can easily leave if it’s a deal breaker for her.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 19:48

I don’t know how the receiving partner could have an orgasm knowing the giving partner wasn’t enjoying the sex act. That strikes me as very odd. Sociopath vibes.

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