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Original poster

DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

282 replies

OldGirl72 · 06/09/2020 12:02

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it nowHmm. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 09:06

NoCauseRebel, for me the real issues are that he has stated his preference as a 'decree' (in the OP's words); that he thinks oral sex is 'dirty'; and that he only wants sex in one position from now on.

It sounds like he has a problem with sex (why is oral 'dirty' and why is 'dirty' wrong in a consensual sexual encounner?!) and (if you'll forgive the expression) rigidity. No willingness to explore even other positions. An expectation that he can unilaterally decide what kind of sex they have.

He's either being suddenly sexually prudish or he doesn't want sex for another reason and he's making rather threadbare excuses for it.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 09:30

The point is that one partner doesn't get to dictate that they will only be having one kind of sex

Yes they do. Anyone can create whatever boundaries they want around what they are willing to do. The partner then has to decide whether they accept it or not. What the partner doesn't get to do is insist that the other person does something they don't want to.

IntermittentParps

He's free to refuse to do anything or everything, unless you think coercive sex should exist? The op has a choice as to whether they stay or leave, not what sex acts her dh has to submit to.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 09:34

It sounds like he has a problem with sex (why is oral 'dirty' and why is 'dirty' wrong in a consensual sexual encounner?

He thinks oral sex is dirty - that's his choice, his boundary and he doesn't have to justify it. It's his body, he gets to determine consent.

why is 'dirty' wrong in a consensual sexual encounner

It's not consensual because he isn't giving consent.

I am astounded that the issue of consent needs to be explained.

XiCi · 09/09/2020 09:35

Strange that after all these years he's decided to withdraw the only thing that gives you sexual pleasure. It really is a big Fuck You isnt it.

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2020 09:40

He should care about you having an orgasm
How else does he propose to ensure you have one?
He sounds really selfish

pointythings · 09/09/2020 09:41

EDSGFC he is allowed to say what he wants - but only if he then accepts the consequences of his choices. So if his diktat of missionary only ends up meaning he gets no sex at all, he has to accept that - because that would then be his partner's boundary. It would certainly be mine.

MulticolourMophead · 09/09/2020 09:45

@pointythings

EDSGFC he is allowed to say what he wants - but only if he then accepts the consequences of his choices. So if his diktat of missionary only ends up meaning he gets no sex at all, he has to accept that - because that would then be his partner's boundary. It would certainly be mine.
Exactly this.

He has to accept there are consequences for decisions, and if OP decides that she's not going to have sex as a result of her DH deciding missionary is all he'll do, then that's tough for him, isn't it.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 09:50

@spikeymama

OP, how about stimulating yourself while he is in you....you’ll need a comfortable position to do this but it’s a win win if you can. We do this all the time...it’s great. No oral is not grounds to break up IMO.
He's done is 3-4 thrusts so that won't work and he also wants to be laying on top of her in missionary. No oral is entirely grounds to split up if it's a dealbreaker for you.

He's allowed to establish any boundary he wants, but she is as well.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 09:51

@pointythings

EDSGFC he is allowed to say what he wants - but only if he then accepts the consequences of his choices. So if his diktat of missionary only ends up meaning he gets no sex at all, he has to accept that - because that would then be his partner's boundary. It would certainly be mine.
Yep.
MulticolourMophead · 09/09/2020 09:53

@spikeymama

OP, how about stimulating yourself while he is in you....you’ll need a comfortable position to do this but it’s a win win if you can. We do this all the time...it’s great. No oral is not grounds to break up IMO.
Shit sex (for the OP) is definitely grounds for breaking up.
EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 10:03

@pointythings

EDSGFC he is allowed to say what he wants - but only if he then accepts the consequences of his choices. So if his diktat of missionary only ends up meaning he gets no sex at all, he has to accept that - because that would then be his partner's boundary. It would certainly be mine.
And there's no suggestion that he won't accept it is there?

Anyone withdrawing sex has to accept that might end the relationship. That still does not mean any of us have to engage in sex that we don't want because we have an obligation to give our partner an orgasm. I cannot believe what I'm reading here, honestly.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 10:09

I'm reading the same thing, all I see is mostly everyone agreeing it's fine for him to declare he doesn't want oral ever again and only wants sex in missionary position. But if that doesn't work for the OP then take sex off the table and accept the relationship is over.

pointythings · 09/09/2020 10:12

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

I'm reading the same thing, all I see is mostly everyone agreeing it's fine for him to declare he doesn't want oral ever again and only wants sex in missionary position. But if that doesn't work for the OP then take sex off the table and accept the relationship is over.
Exactly this.

I just wonder what brought all this on. I mean, does OP's OH really think OP will just give him what he wants (which is the use of her as a wanksock)? Or is this his passive-aggressive way of ending the relationship (In which case he just needs to stand up and say he wants a divorce)? I mean, what did this guy hope to gain from all this?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 10:16

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

I'm reading the same thing, all I see is mostly everyone agreeing it's fine for him to declare he doesn't want oral ever again and only wants sex in missionary position. But if that doesn't work for the OP then take sex off the table and accept the relationship is over.
Many are saying he is responsible for her orgasm or he pleasure - he isn't. No one is.

He's said what he consents to. It's now up to op what she chooses to do. He still doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to in order to satisfy op. This is such a dangerous message.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 10:19

I just wonder what brought all this on

Maybe years of him doing something that he didn't want to do, with op knowing full well that he didn't enjoy it and didn't want to do it?

Seriously, do you not see the problem? Would you be defending a man who had allowed his wife to perform oral sex on him, because he claimed it was the only way he could orgasm, what admitting that he'd always known that she didn't like it and didn't want to do it? Would you be blaming the wife for one day saying "no"?

pointythings · 09/09/2020 10:22

Nobody is saying he has to perform oral sex!

That's just what you're reading into it. We're saying that his position is a relationship killer and unless he is a complete idiot, he must know that.

Since you seem to agree with him, do you think OP should give him his missionary only sex as a reward for the oral he has given her? Or as a punishment for having asked for oral? Or do you agree with most of us that withdrawing sex altogether because of his diktat would be a reasonable response?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 10:45

pointythings

How can you say no one is saying he should perform oral sex and it's just me reading into it? This is just one post on this page

He should care about you having an orgasm
How else does he propose to ensure you have one?
He sounds really selfish

What does that post mean if not that he should just crack on, as it's the only way she can orgasm and that he's selfish if he doesn't?

Op is completely free to withdraw sex or to leave the marriage. She isn't free to attempt to coerce him into doing something that he doesnt want to by threatening to leave or withdraw sex unless he agrees to do X, y or z.

pointythings · 09/09/2020 10:52

But he does sound selfish! He only wants sex that will not give OP anything. If that isn't selfish, what is? Does he really not understand that?

Of course he shouldn't have been giving oral all these years if he hated it - but the way he's handled this now is beyond stupid. He decrees that this is how it will be, using the excuse that they're 'too old' and 'it's dirty' - I'm sorry, but that is pathetic. If he'd gone to OP and said 'look, I don't like doing oral, you know this, can we look at other ways of making this work?', she probably wouldn't have needed to post here at all.

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2020 10:57

@EDSGFC

That post doesn't mean he has to give her oral if he hates it but he hasn't suggested any other way for her to orgasm. He hasn't tried anything else, he's just decided he doesn't care about her orgasm and therefore her enjoyment of sex with him.

IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 11:06

EDSGFC, don't be silly, of course I know what consent means Hmm

You misunderstand, perhaps deliberately. My point is that someone using the word 'dirty' as a pejorative/disapproving term smacks of someone with a prudish attitude to sex. And that, as he hadn't used this term previously, perhaps he's using it as an excuse for why he really wants to stop having oral sex and (more problematic, this, IMO) only ever have sex in one position.

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 11:17

But he does sound selfish! He only wants sex that will not give OP anything. If that isn't selfish, what is? Does he really not understand that?

He doesn't want to, and never has wanted to do oral. It isn't his fault that apparently this is the only way op says she can orgasm. If that's true, what's the answer? If you are saying he has to make sure she orgasms, and the only way that happens is via oral, then you are saying he must do something that he doesn't want to.

That post doesn't mean he has to give her oral if he hates it but he hasn't suggested any other way for her to orgasm.

How about op suggesting other ways to make her orgasm? Why is it his responsibility? Seriously, a man says the only way he can orgasm is via oral and his wife doesn't want to do it. You are honestly going to say "well, she needs to find another way to make you orgasm because otherwise she's incredibly selfish"?

IntermittentParps

Who knows why he feels as he does? Maybe as a result of previous trauma, possibly sexual abuse, compounded by years of having done something that he didn't want to do?

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2020 11:20

Ok then, the op obviously has responsibility for her own orgasm too but he's been giving her oral for years so he can't really hate it that much. Why has he been doing it all this time if he doesn't like it?

EDSGFC · 09/09/2020 11:29

@Shoxfordian

Ok then, the op obviously has responsibility for her own orgasm too but he's been giving her oral for years so he can't really hate it that much. Why has he been doing it all this time if he doesn't like it?
Because he felt coerced? Why do women submit to sex that they don't really want, possibly for years?

Consent is meant to be enthusiastic right? Op admits that she knows he has never liked it but put that to one side because she enjoys it. How did he give enthusiastic consent???

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 11:59

OP left the thread a while back by the look of it, so it feels a little rude talking about her after she's left the room - I hope you'll pardon me for doing so nonetheless OldGirl, but this is a topic I am interested in in my own relationships.

EDSGF, I see the point you're making to some extent, but I'm interested in the bit about whether or not we should care whether our partner has an orgasm/is satisfied in bed. Are you saying that "He should care about you having an orgasm" is wrong?

ravenmum · 09/09/2020 12:01

(I do think it's unfair to debate on whether OP's partner was being coerced when she's not here to defend herself or explain.)