DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

[OldGirl72]

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it now. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

But it's ok that he uses her body?

The sex that they've been having, as described by op, doesn't sound good, but two wrongs don't make a right. Him having PE and not lasting still doesn't justify demanding that he engage in oral sex, especially when op knows he has never liked it and is doing it under sufferance. When women post about having sex when they don't really want it the overwhelming response on here is "omg, your partner is disgusting, who would want to have sex with a partner who doesn't really want it". Yet here, the sexes are reversed and people are acting like it's his duty to do this, that they consider it a normal part of sex and so there must be something wrong with him if he doesn't want to do it and that if he doesn't want to do that then it's on him to find something else to replace it. Again, flip the sexes. If a man states he can only orgasm through oral sex but his partner doesn't want to do it how many people would say "tough luck, she needs to get over herself and stop being selfish. It's completely normal and we do it so she should do it. If she doesn't want to then she needs to figure out another way of making sure you orgasm". Really? Do you think that's ok?

Good grief, most people on here have stated that he's within his rights to have boundaries - me included. That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide that he'll do nothing for her but expect to be allowed to use her body to basically wank into.

What's wrong with saying he should find a different way to help his partner have fun in bed? How is that not OK?

I mean, he evidently wants sex - the issue is not that he doesn't want to do it at all.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Good grief, most people on here have stated that he's within his rights to have boundaries - me included. That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide that he'll do nothing for her but expect to be allowed to use her body to basically wank into.

Most people haven't said that. A significant number have said it's not normal to not want to do it or that if he doesn't want to do that he must find something else to replace it. Fact is, op has been engaging in it knowing that he doesn't want to do it.

As for him using her - that's what I'm referring to when I say the whole situation is unsatisfactory. Op is well within her rights to say no to that.

It's just not on for people to suggest that he should do something that he doesn't want to because they do it, that if he doesn't want to he must be gay (which smacks of the misogynistic comments made by men when I was younger towards women who didn't fancy them) or that the onus is on him to figure out what to do instead of oral sex if he refuses to do it.

These are separate issues imo. Having PE doesn't mean that he has to do something else that he doesn't want to by way of compensation.

But it’s not that simple is it? They’ve had whatever they’ve had for decades, and suddenly he decrees that they will no longer be doing the one thing that works for her, and will continue to have the kind of sex that he likes; or actually, the kind of sex that relieves him, but makes him least embarrassed because it’s no longer important for him to take his time, and deal with the PE.

Anyway, I don’t think that questioning his sexuality, or wondering if he’s having an affair is so way off beam.

If they were 20 years younger, I suspect there would be a damn sight more people suggesting it.

I completely see why OP would have a problem with leaving him over this when they have children, and the youngest is still so young - it’s a huge move to make, even though it would be entirely reasonable to suggest.

I honestly don’t think he’s being honest. Either he’s been ignoring some major issues his whole life, or something big has changed recently. But either way, it’s HIM that’s going to be able to shed light.

@ravenmum

What's wrong with saying he should find a different way to help his partner have fun in bed? How is that not OK?

Because when the sexes are reversed on MN the view is that women aren't responsible for the man's orgasm. That if he cant climax doing whatever his partner is comfortable with then that's down to him and down to him to sort out. Op has been clear on here - the only way she can climax is via oral. She has said that vibrators don't do it for her and that she only orgasms through oral (says this in her op) so quite what it is you think he can come up with I'm not sure. Why doesn't op figure out what else works and then let him know?

I honestly don’t think he’s being honest. Either he’s been ignoring some major issues his whole life, or something big has changed recently. But either way, it’s HIM that’s going to be able to shed light.

Or maybe he's decided that after years of doing something that he doesn't want to do he's not doing it anymore? Op admits she's always known he doesn't like doing it - which begs the question why its continued? Maybe he's decided to enforce boundaries now?

the whole flip the sexes thing is farcical- and it mystifies me that people continue to do it unless they are bizarrely unaware that men and womens bodies are different and the examples arent equivalent.

i'll try though.

lets say a woman said to a man after several years of marriage i only want to have sex in one way now because ive decided we're too old- i know that while i enjoy it, its very poor for you and you are unable to reach orgasm that way but tough titty- i do.

a- its hard to imagine this in a loving marriage
b- its hard to imagine that she wouldnt be condemned for being an arsehole.

Ok I agree with you in parts EDSGFC, personally it would kill it stone cold dead for me if I'd thought my DH was anything less that enthusiastic and vice versa.

In a healthy relationship he, they, should both want to please each other without compromising boundaries. He's decided on his own how it's going to be and I agree with Iborgia that he's being unreasonable.

He's being completely unreasonable! If he doesn't want to that's his choice but age has nothing to do with it. Same ages here

@Helmetbymidnight

the whole flip the sexes thing is farcical- and it mystifies me that people continue to do it unless they are bizarrely unaware that men and womens bodies are different and the examples arent equivalent.

i'll try though.

lets say a woman said to a man after several years of marriage i only want to have sex in one way now because ive decided we're too old- i know that while i enjoy it, its very poor for you and you are unable to reach orgasm that way but tough titty- i do.

a- its hard to imagine this in a loving marriage
b- its hard to imagine that she wouldnt be condemned for being an arsehole.

But that's not what I'm saying.

There are 2 issues going on here - the dh saying he only wants missionary from now on and op only being able to climax via oral which dh has never liked doing and is now refusing to do.

So, it's pretty irrelevant that he's saying only missionary from now on because it's the refusal to engage in oral which is the real problem for op. That's the only way she can climax, so she says, so even if the dh agreed to doing absolutely everything else under the sun sex would still be unsatisfactory for the op.

That's why I'm saying flip the sexes. If a man said that he could only orgasm one way how many people would tell his female partner that it's selfish of her to refuse to do it?

As it stands, it just sounds like they are incompatible sexually. If op gets nothing at all out of his attempts at penetrative sex then they really need to discuss what this means for their relationship. He has his boundaries and she can have hers. After that they need to work out where they go from there - maybe they agree to live without sex, maybe they open up the marriage, maybe they split up, maybe there are things that they would both enjoy and which are mutually acceptable.

Christ, he sounds like a shit lover and spooning you and a few thrusts does sound like he doesn't actually want to think of you at all.

And I could never relax and enjoy OS if I knew the person was enjoying doing it. For me, OS isn't necessary but I wouldn't like to have sex with someone who thought anything other than missionary was dirty. I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it.

I would be thinking that he didn't want to be with me for a few possible reasons- was gay, didn't find me attractive or wanted someone else. May also be why he has issues.

sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really

It's that 'really' that made me wonder how much you know about your body and what it takes to have you orgasm. What else have you tried? It took me a while, and a bit of experimenting, to discover what kind of vibrator works best for me.

This is the one area where we women seem to not take responsibility for ourselves. Once you know, you can make sure that you get the right kind of stimulation as part of your lovemaking.

It's fair enough for him to not enjoy something. It would only be unfair if he refuses to include anything that works for you. Only you can really know, or find out, what works for you. Find out & make sure that is included.

if he is not up for that, then the relationship is probably not viable. Good Luck.

That's the only way she can climax, so she says

The OP said she "only gets them through oral really " - which is different to "only gets them through oral"; it means that she almost only gets them through oral, and made it sound like there might be some other way they could find if he was willing to try.

From her later posts, obviously, it's clear that he's not even trying to get her aroused. I'm not sure that can entirely be described as a case of mutual incompatability.

Crosspost with FinallyHere - exactly, the "really" :)

@ravenmum

That's the only way she can climax, so she says

The OP said she "only gets them through oral really " - which is different to "only gets them through oral"; it means that she almost only gets them through oral, and made it sound like there might be some other way they could find if he was willing to try.

From her later posts, obviously, it's clear that he's not even trying to get her aroused. I'm not sure that can entirely be described as a case of mutual incompatability.

There's nothing to suggest that it's he who won't explore other ways. If op knows of other ways why doesn't she suggest them? If she doesn't know of other ways then whose responsibility is it to find them? It's her body, surely it's her responsibility to figure out how it works, no?

There's nothing to suggest that it's he who won't explore other ways.
He said he would only have missionary position sex, which sounds to me like he does not want to explore - but no, I didn't presume that he was refusing in my comments to OP before the "two thrusts" reveal; I said that it was only unfair if he was refusing.

It's her body, surely it's her responsibility to figure out how it works, no?
Clearly she will need a bit of help from him to find something they can do together but it's not just about figuring it out - it's about him showing that he wants her to enjoy herself, by doing something - if he can, as I added earlier. I don't know about others, but personally I do feel as if I owe it to my partner to make some sort of effort for him in bed, so that he doesn't feel like it's all give and no take. That's not a controversial idea, is it?

@ravenmum

There's nothing to suggest that it's he who won't explore other ways. He said he would only have missionary position sex, which sounds to me like he does not want to explore - but no, I didn't presume that he was refusing in my comments to OP before the "two thrusts" reveal; I said that it was only unfair if he was refusing.

It's her body, surely it's her responsibility to figure out how it works, no?
Clearly she will need a bit of help from him to find something they can do together but it's not just about figuring it out - it's about him showing that he wants her to enjoy herself, by doing something - if he can, as I added earlier. I don't know about others, but personally I do feel as if I owe it to my partner to make some sort of effort for him in bed, so that he doesn't feel like it's all give and no take. That's not a controversial idea, is it?

Do you not think he's been putting her first all of this time though by doing something that he doesn't want to do because he knows she enjoys it?

Maybe he's decided he just can't do that anymore? And no, I don't see why she needs him to help her figure herself out. Once she knows what else it is that works then she can ask him.

I think it is controversial to say that there's only one way you can achieve orgasm and then expect your partner to oblige, knowing that they dislike doing it.

I don't see why she needs him to help her figure herself out. Once she knows what else it is that works then she can ask him.
OK, then you have had a different experience to me. In my experience, I've only found out the best way to have sex with a particular partner by doing it with them, together. I know how to pleasure myself, but have found a different means of having enjoyable sex with each partner.

Do you not think he's been putting her first all of this time though by doing something that he doesn't want to do because he knows she enjoys it?
Putting myself in his position, I would say that if I started out a relationship choosing to do something I didn't like, then that is my issue and not my partner's.

Putting myself in his position, I would say that if I started out a relationship choosing to do something I didn't like, then that is my issue and not my partner's.

And yet on so many threads women who are doing this are told that their partner is abusive for wishing to continue with a partner who isn't enthusiastically participating. Op acknowledges that she knows he doesn't want to do it - so why on earth is she continuing?

The sex of the parties should be irrelevant here - one partner wants the other partner to do something they don't want to do, claiming it's the only way they can climax. I think that's wrong, regardless of the sex of the people concerned.

And yet on so many threads women who are doing this are told that their partner is abusive for wishing to continue with a partner who isn't enthusiastically participating.
As I say, I'm imgaining myself in his position. Let me give an example. My partner likes a particular position which I find mildly uncomfortable - it's a bit on the "gymnastics" side. I choose to do this with him as I know he enjoys it. That is my choice. He is not abusing me.

one partner wants the other partner to do something they don't want to do, claiming it's the only way they can climax
I read it as her asking whether a lack of orgasm was grounds for divorce or not. Of course she knows that she can't make him do something he doesn't want to. But as he's done it for so long (giving the impression that he was OK with doing it for her pleasure) and has put this change so definitively (as if unwilling to explore other methods), and has not been honest about his reasons and given her a totally different, stupid reason for it, she's upset, and wants to talk about her feelings.

If someone has said that he should give her oral sex against his will, then I missed that, and that is obviously that's not on.

I could be wrong, but didn't OP say she can also come via being on top sometimes? So the insisting they only do missionary is another way he's depriving her of an orgasm. Maybe he gets off psychologically on that.

Either way, what he's proposed sounds like some of the worst PIV ever.

4 thrusts if she's lucky, missionary only. I quite like missionary, though it's not my fave (doggy) but even I would recognize this as crap sex.

But as he's done it for so long (giving the impression that he was OK with doing it for her pleasure)

Clearly that isn't the case because she says she knows he doesn't like doing it but didn't stop it because she enjoys it. So she knew he didn't like it, he wasn't hiding that fact but she went along with it anyway.

I don't think he has to justify why he doesn't want to do it anymore really - he is saying no and that should be good enough surely? Or should we, as women, have to do things unless we have a good reason that we can explain to our partner for why we don't want to?

We really don't know the dynamic in this relationship. We know the dh has been doing something that he doesn't want to, and op is aware of this, in order to satisfy op. Why did he go along with this - we don't know.

There's clearly poor communication going on.

If someone has said that he should give her oral sex against his will, then I missed that, and that is obviously that's not on.

Pretty much they have - saying he should do it unless he can come up with an alternative, questioning his sexuality because he doesn't want to do this, decreeing that it's a normal part of sex so he should be ok with doing it - all ways of pressuring someone into doing something that they don't want to do.

You are not responsible for providing sexual acts in a relationship that you are uncomfortable with.

However you are responsible in a mature , monogamous relationship to provide at least communication about what you want and need in a fair manner. The OPs husband hasn't done this and he hasn't provided a situation where it may easily happen either. Saying they are too old for "dirty sex" has shut down that conversation pretty effectively. In the situation the OP is in I think she is absolutely within her rights to rethink her relationship.