Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

282 replies

OldGirl72 · 06/09/2020 12:02

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it nowHmm. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 06/09/2020 12:47

If he's not happy with giving oral, would you bring you to orgasm manually before sex? Could that be a compromise?

I agree with others that if he really doesn't enjoy giving oral, he shouldn't feel he has to. But he can't just dictate what fulfils his own needs without thinking of yours.

I also think his use of the word 'dirty' is a bit of a concern - where has that come from? What's dirty about having sex with someone you love, whatever that may entail? I'm 49 and the thought of only having sex in the missionary position without orgasm for the rest of my days ... well, I think our relationship would definitely suffer.

Coffeecak3 · 06/09/2020 12:49

If your dh really doesn't want to do oral then he needs to take time to find ways of bringing you to orgasm. Presumably you've tried digital stimulation.
It may seem weird at your age but I think you should explore your body more and learn what arouses you.
Not many women achieve climax from piv alone.

VesperLynne · 06/09/2020 12:49

I've read on this site numerous times that you should not be doing anything sexually that you are not happy or comfortable with and certainly not if you are being pressurized into doing it ?. But is that conditional, and only applies to women ?.

Bence69 · 06/09/2020 12:50

I’m 39my partner is 51 age has nothing to do with. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t give oral sex or just do it missionary. Jesus life is far to short for shit sex

TheSmallAssassin · 06/09/2020 12:50

I think your bigger problem here is he doesn't know or isn't concerned that this will effectively mean no more orgasms for you. Have you made that clear? If you have and he is not suggesting any alternatives, then that would be the thing to get upset about.

MrsMcMuffins · 06/09/2020 12:50

Not everyone enjoys oral sex and no one should have to do something they don’t feel comfortable with, but you obviously need to explore and find something which makes you both happy in bed.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 06/09/2020 12:51

He can make any de facto decree about sex he wants, for him. He doesn't get to decide that for you.

Sounds like he CBAd with pleasing you during sex, just wants to get his rocks off.

I'd not be putting up with this.

Purplewithred · 06/09/2020 12:51

What @TheSmallAssassin said - how does he plan to make sure you are sexually satisfied in the future? He's going to be fine, what about you?

BabyLlamaZen · 06/09/2020 12:53

Op is he awake that this is the only way you can enjoy it?

Is he up for trying some different positions and experimenting in other ways? I wonder why he's suddenly had this change?

nosswith · 06/09/2020 12:53

Why is the OPs DH denying himself one of the greatest pleasures a man can have? Speaking as a man.

SoulofanAggron · 06/09/2020 12:54

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on.

????? WTF? And as to him saying he only wants 'normal sex,' I don't like receiving oral, but I've heard it's pretty much a constant in sex every time for most people. It's not kinky at all.

If he doesn't like it then that's the way it goes I suppose, but you're not particularly old and there's no time limit for oral.

The only potential time/physical limit for a sexual act is if the person's mobility/energy levels change so they can't do an act anymore or it's painful.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 12:57

So essentially what he's saying is that from now on, he's only willing to have the kind of sex that gets him off. He's not interested in your pleasure.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd first be wanting to talk to him to try to understand what he means by 'dirty' and if something has happened to him recently to cause this change.

If he didn't change his mind, I'd be telling him that you're not happy about it and stop having sex.

RandomUser3049 · 06/09/2020 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RainingAllTheTime65 · 06/09/2020 12:57

@VesperLynne

Of course you shouldn't do anything sexually that you don't want to, but you stand to damage your relationship if you make sexual decisions that affect your partner without discussing it, or by giving quite derogatory reasons for it.... Like your age.

The OP is just as much in the right to reconsider this relationship as he is for stopping oral sex because it's too dirty for their age. 48!

And I would be saying exactly the same if the OP was a man.

Nobody should have sex they don't want to and nobody needs to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve their sexual needs.

Helmetbymidnight · 06/09/2020 12:57

'normal' sex and 'dirty' sex- this guy has ishoooos.

poor you. would he consider counselling- hes got a weird view of both sex and ageing.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/09/2020 12:58

This is going against the grain, but if he doesn't enjoy it anymore, then he doesn't enjoy it, and his honesty should be welcomed. We don't stay the same, what I used to enjoy in my youth sexually makes my stomach churn now. I am sure if roles were reversed you would not want to feel railroaded into sexual acts you no longer enjoyed or wanted to do.

I have been married for decades and things have ebbed and flowed in all areas, and talking about it is the key. It would be worse if he kept quiet and allowed your sex life to die altogether.

Personally I would thank him for being honest, and then talk about other ways that you are going to enjoy and climax in future, missionary is boring and not for you, so how does he intend to pleasure you? I would make this something he needs to explore indepth.

He clearly loves you and wants to be with you, but his tastes have changed and finding a way to ensure you are satisfied might be a compromise. I actually don't think he is being unreasonable if he wants ot continue to pleasure you in other ways.

Helmetbymidnight · 06/09/2020 13:00

but if he doesn't enjoy it anymore, then he doesn't enjoy it, and his honesty should be welcomed

what honesty? he didnt say he didnt enjoy it- he said theyre too old and must now only have missionary. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MitziK · 06/09/2020 13:02

'You don't want to feel pressurised into doing something you don't particularly like and doesn't feel good to you. That's fine, I wouldn't like you feeling like that. I feel the same about Missionary as it's always been a bit crap, to be honest. Do you want a spare blanket for the sofa?'.

Chloemol · 06/09/2020 13:02

It’s wrong to insist he carries on doing something he has never really liked doing, but has done and if a woman was in this position , ie her husband was insisting on oral when she didn’t want to do it you would also all be saying he’s abusive

What’s the difference here? The husband doesn’t like oral, but has done it in the last, but no longer wants to.

So either find a different way, put up with it or split up

RoseTintedAtuin · 06/09/2020 13:02

Agree with @EspressoX10 and @ElspethFlashman. He is entitled to not want to continue with sexual acts he doesn’t enjoy and he may be reserved or self conscious to try other things. You can raise concerns with him but guilt or emotional blackmail to get your own way is out of order.
Slightly concerned that you have known all the while that he doesn’t like it but chose not to raise it as you were getting what you wanted... but now you’re not you need to have a discussion to resolve it. The time to address the incompatibility was when you realised he was doing something he didn’t like.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/09/2020 13:04

I think he is saying he doesn't enjoy it helmet
read the op's first post:

I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me

Op knows he hasn't enjoyed it for a long time (if ever) and maybe as has come to a point he really can't face doing it anymore. I personally really would not want to be pushed in OS if I didn't want to, I can't think of anything worse.

FortunesFave · 06/09/2020 13:07

Why should he give oral if he doesn't like it?? Nobody would expect a woman to!

I'm shocked people seem to think it's not on...it;s his body ffs!

12309845653ghydrvj · 06/09/2020 13:09

What. The. Fuck.

I thought the whole point of getting older with someone was that you also got dirtier? Also what the hell is this “normal” sex—oral and missionary is totally vanilla, he’s describing plain old unflavoured! I hope he’s not expecting you to actually be ok to sex on his terms, if you’re not going to get what you need out of it?!?

Sounds like an excuse for laziness, and him deciding he doesn’t want to do OS anymore. Which I’m slightly torn on—I totally agree that people shouldn’t do sexual thugs they don’t want to, but if he’s getting his everything without OS and you’re not (as is the case in most situations) then that’s clearly not ok.

Who does he think he is, decreeing? Totally legitimate to bring this up in conversation, not to decide for you both.

Sundaysname · 06/09/2020 13:09

So my DH hates giving oral. Together almost 20 years. The first 5 years he forced himself. It always felt a bit rushed, lol. And he would "forget" to do it a lot. I started to get suspicious but assumed it was impossible for a man to dislike it so thought maybe I smelt or something?

I forced some awkward conversations about it after a few years. Is it me? What is the problem? Eventually I got it out of him that it wasn't me, that he really didn't enjoy it, and had never enjoyed it. That it just wasn't for him.

I was pretty devastated. I think I mourned for a while and felt very hard done by!

But to cut a long story short, our sex life is better than ever. It made me far more assertive in reclaiming other ways to orgasm. He's become very very good digitally and very good at pacing himself. Basically I've made it absolutely clear that my pleasure is as important as his, and we needed to tweak things until I got as much pleasure as him.

So I do love our sex life now. And have kinda forgotten about oral tbh. And i still give oral, but he's never ever once asked for it. It just so happens I really enjoy it, and have told him so, rather to his surprise. I suspect he assumed I didn't like giving it, just as he didn't. So I do it for me, because it turns me on.

So yeah basically there is good sex after Oral is taken off the table, but it requires a lot of assertiveness and a fair whack of self esteem to demand your right to sexual satisfaction in ways you're both comfortable with.

JinglingHellsBells · 06/09/2020 13:11

when he says 'dirty sex' does he really mean he thinks oral is dirty- as in unwashed?

Does he feel a bit bleuuurgh about it?