DH says we’re too old for oral sex!

[OldGirl72]

I’ve re registered here after years of not being on MN to get opinions on this as can’t talk to anyone in RL.

DH recently decreed that we were too old (51 and 48) for oral sex and that he only wanted to have missionary position sex from now on. He thinks ‘dirty’ sex is for the young uns and feels weird about doing it now. I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Obviously I’m pretty upset about this as sex is pretty pointless for me without an orgasm (only get them through oral really) and I’m thinking that this is grounds for divorce!

Is this normal at his age? Any opinions?

Cant post in the sex forum as just joined. Apologies for any offence caused at a sensitive topic.

If you are not happy with it, it isn't right for you. However your husband's feelngs must be taken into consideration alongside yours and if he no longer likes oral, it would be wrong to insist on it.

Neither of you are very old, honestly. It's all about individual attitudes. It is possible he was never that fussed about giving oral but enjoyed your pleasure, now he is fed up and worn out with it.

I don't agree that sex is pointless without orgasm, far from it, but we're all different.

Have a good chat with no resentment on other side but a lot of love so you each know where you stand. Maybe try tantric.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@TableFlowerss

I think the use of words he chose is not on. It’s not dirty to enjoy/receive/give oral sex. So it’s pathetic of him to say it is. Plenty of people, regardless of age, partake in it and often it’s the only way for a woman to orgasm.

However, if he doesn’t enjoy it then that’s a different story.

I think pp are right, in that if the tables were reversed and it was a man complaining a woman wouldn’t give him blow jobs (because she doesn’t enjoy it) and he called her selfish, he would get a lot of stick. This is no different.

No one should be shamed/forced in to doing rings they don’t want to, in order to please their partner.

You could try a vibrator OP, so you will still get to orgasm.

But you're missing the point. the DH has decreed he only wants missionary sex in future. That is being selfish. There doesn't seem to be any hint that he's work on doing anything to help OP receive pleasure as well.

And while using a vibrator is fun, as part of a healthy sex life, I would be resentful towards a partner if their sexual choices meant I was consigned to always being stuck with sorting myself out. A good sex life is about giving as well as receiving, on both sides.

He's being selfish, this does need a proper discussion, and depending on the answers it may well be a dealbreaker for the OP.

Of course it could be a dealbreaker but not wanting to perform oral sex isn’t selfish. He doesn’t like doing it so why should he have to? It’s selfish to want someone to do it even though they have told you they don’t enjoy it.

They clearly aren’t compatible in the bedroom. I agree the rigidity of only wanting to have missionary position sex is OTT and would agree he’s being selfish if he’s making all the calls refacing exactly his they do it.

The oral sex things is absolutely fair enough though. There are ways he can help her orgasm without having to be forced in to something he doesn’t like

If they can’t come to an agreement we’ll they aren’t compatible and perhaps should go their separate ways.

@MulticolourMophead

i personally think he is using age as an excuse there is more to it , do you think it could be a comfort/ position thing ( joints and muscular problems ) maybe ? He cant just say dirty sex is for young uns , if he has been enjoying it all along what has changed?

what @resisterance said. Possibly despite your scrupulous hygiene, he is a "supertaster" and that's why it's problematic.

A supertaster is a person who tastes certain flavours and foods more strongly than other people. The human tongue is wrapped in taste buds (fungiform papillae). The small, mushroom-shaped bumps are covered with taste receptors that bind to the molecules from your food and help tell your brain what you're eating.

I never said that not wanting to do oral sex is selfish, just that him decreeing their future sex life is selfish.

Our sex life has actually become much more frequent this year so I don’t understand it at all.
Is this because of lockdown or is there some other explanation why his habits have changed now?

He is basically consigning me to not having orgasms, yes
Only if he is refusing to find any other means of giving you one.

I’ve never forced him to do it to me of course and he’s never said before that he didn’t like it but I knew from his reluctance and making excuses that he didn’t.
So he might have just decided that he's too old to be doing something he's never liked. Maybe he's too embarrassed to admit that he's always hated it? I think I'd ask him that specifically, not as a means of making him changing his mind, just to have a real, honest relationship.

Personally I would thank him for being honest, and then talk about other ways that you are going to enjoy and climax in future, missionary is boring and not for you, so how does he intend to pleasure you? I would make this something he needs to explore indepth

I'd be inclined to set him a challenge - before taking OS off the menu completely, he has to demonstrate that he can consistently bring you to orgasm by other methods.

@EspressoX10

I don't think he's being selfish.

Selfish would be to decree that he wanted to receive oral sex, but not give.

He doesn't want to do it. No one should be forced to, manipulated or guilted into doing a sex act they don't enjoy.

I'd have a seriously big problem with DH if he told me that he could only climax thorough anal sex and I was being selfish by not agreeing to do it, even though I didn't enjoy it.

I do think he needs to understand that you can't orgasm during missionary position and must be willing to solve the issue some other way.

I completely agree. I've been reading the other replies in complete shock - no one should be made to do anything sexually that they don't want to and it certainly isn't selfish to say no.

I agree @ElspethFlashman

Tbh I'm surprised you have got this far with him doing it when he clearly doesn't like it. I could never have climaxed knowing he was doing something he didn't like.
If he doesn't want to do it then you have to accept it or not be with him. It's not like he's trying to get you to give it to him and not in return.

I'd be inclined to set him a challenge - before taking OS off the menu completely, he has to demonstrate that he can consistently bring you to orgasm by other methods.

What??? No one has to provide their partner with an orgasm if fact no one has to do anything that they don't want to do, sexually. Bloody hell, are you happy for men to be saying this to women "you have to demonstrate that you can consistently bring me to orgasm by other methods (before we can stop doing that thing you don't like doing)*

This is just abusive

Thanks for all the replies.

I had thought about taste/smell going ‘off’ with age but I haven’t noticed anything, not that I’ve tasted it myself! I drink a lot of water as I’m naturally sporty and eat lots of fruit and veg, and am always showered/bathed before bed and keep myself well groomed down there.

He’s always suffered from PE and preferred quick sex with little in terms of foreplay and it literally takes seconds. I’ve put up with that as normally we’d have a second round where he lasted longer but the last few years, we haven’t had much privacy with teens being up late and he couldn’t be bothered a lot of the time, so oral was the only way I’d get any satisfaction. He would be quite happy with morning ‘spooning’ sex with little touching, just in and 2/3 thrusts later, out and that does feel like I’m just a hole. He prefers mornings as he feels less tired and he always wakes up with a hard on so why not use it. Any action at night where there’s a bit of foreplay involved only happens twice a month if that. It’s very frustrating for me.

We have talked and talked but he just says ‘that’s how I feel’. Nothing has happened in his life to explain it. No depression that I’m aware of or can sense.

It seems like a massive overreaction and very selfish to divorce over shit sex though, especially at our age! We’ve been together 25 years, have 5 DC (youngest is 9). Not sure I could do that to them.

I really hate vibrators and they do nothing for me!

I do not understand why so many women put up with shit sex their whole lives

It doesn’t have to be like this

He makes you feel like just a hole... and you keep doing it? For 25 years?

I just don’t get it

Tell him to you his game and make some fucking effort to pleasure you too, open the marriage or lose you

Or be sad and unfulfilled forever... that could be fun

To up his

Unnaceptable to decree that you wont be orgamsing from now on and defintely grounds for divorce if he doesn't stop being so selfish Don't you think it's just a wee bit selfish to demand someone gives you oral if they don't like it?

oral sex is normal sex. Have you asked him how he plans to satisfy you?

A supertaster is a person who tastes certain flavours and foods more strongly than other people. The human tongue is wrapped in taste buds (fungiform papillae). The small, mushroom-shaped bumps are covered with taste receptors that bind to the molecules from your food and help tell your brain what you're eating

I am sorry but that has just really put me off my lunch!!

OP, from your latest post, he's showing no consideration for your needs. Why should you allow him to use you as a hole, when he doesn't do anything in return? Forget the oral sex, there's other things he can do.

Shit sex is a good enough reason to break up, IMO. Because shit sex can lead to resentment.

Tell him to you his game and make some fucking effort to pleasure you too, open the marriage or lose you

So, yeah, I agree with this.

I always known he didn’t really like doing it to me but he was good at it and seemed to enjoy it when he got going. It never made him aroused though. He definitely enjoyed me doing it to him and I’ve got quite good at it over the last few years.

Quelle surprise!

You obviously need to keep him happy in his dotage...

Anyone that says sex doesn't change with the ageing of our bodies, after children and just good old fashioned monotony in a long marriage is lying (I am sure someone will be along to post the opposite any second now!) But generally my friends and I have all said the same.

After 25 years op you will know each other inside out, I am not saying you need to give up on orgasms, but I wonder why you kept quiet knowing he didn't enjoy it before? And also why you are even considering divorce without having even tried new things? It might be a massive dealbreaker for you, I have no idea but it does seem quite extreme given you have 5 kids together as well.

Although he's entitled to his feelings, for me I'd be feeling he was re-drawing the parameters of the marriage. I do think he has a responsibility, as your husband, to make a proper effort to keep you happy in bed. If he's dead set on not giving oral any more, he needs to be open to exploring other ways to help you orgasm.

And by the way I am not condoning him discarding your personal pleasure (and not his) if that is what he is suggesting, but I think you should give him the chance at least to try and please you in other ways.

I would stop giving him OS though op, I think major resentment would kick in and it might feel quite subservient given he is not prepared to do the same.

Great, this means you can treat his pleasure like a chore too! No more of that shit quickie sex that makes you feel like a hole. You can just refuse now, and not feel bad.

I think you should be as selfish as he is op.