Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

It is a real shame ..I hear that porn now is so far removed from ''Razzle'' ...and is extreme and often violent.
It is just sad.

Internet is the reason, of course.. Older chaps speak wistfully of the innocence of Razzle and Playboy.. and say it is so so different now.

They fear for their sons. {This was an actual conversation I had with a dad of two approaching teens...He said he would 'go mad' if he had a daughter. He'd worry so much.

The Romans had erotic drawings. We have extreme electronic imagery. :(

Remember as well that the nature of internet sites is to generate revenue from adverts, so the more "clickbaity" and extreme the content, the more money they make.

This is very different from previous generations who made do with the Littlewoods catalogue lingerie section.

@BitOfFun

Remember as well that the nature of internet sites is to generate revenue from adverts, so the more "clickbaity" and extreme the content, the more money they make.

This is very different from previous generations who made do with the Littlewoods catalogue lingerie section.

Wow...if only it could be like the 'innocent' days of the Littlewoods lingerie section... If only the clock could be turned back...the genie put back into the bottle.

It could also be sensory difficulties which make it difficult for him to cum during sex and mean he has to do it himself? The bell end can be particularly sensitive when it's exposed during penetrative sex.

Worth having a chat about everything anyway amd seeing what he thinks. Best of luck.

"this guy is amazing and makes me happy."

...Except that he doesn't respect you.
He doesn't care about your pleasure at all.
He hasn't given a damn about your satisfaction, all this time.
He treats you like a sex appliance, an object to service him endlessly whilst he makes no reciprocal efforts whatsoever.

Whether he's gay or a prolific porn abuser, he's a selfish, uncaring lover and either disinterested in or incapable of mutually satisfactory intimacy, or both.

...BTW, I have known multiple closet cases to proclaim a variation of 'I like (insert crude term for women's parts) too much (to be gay)'. It's classic to the point of cliche.

As to the "Oh, it's just because he's inexperienced":

No way. Just no way.

Experience is utterly irrelevant to an emotionally healthy and functional man's genuine desire to or interest in giving his partner pleasure, in exploring what they like and want and in pursuing mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

E.g. My partner was very, very inexperienced when we began seeing each other. To be extremely frank (for me), when we first became intimate, he absolutely went to town. Exploring me, my preferences, different techniques etc. Focussing on my responses, watching my face, listening to my verbal cues etc.

Yes he was inexperienced, but because he cared about me as a person, he was very invested in my experience - it mattered to him. More than that, it was critical to his experience. Still is, ten years down.

...From your OP and subsequent comments, you've set your bar really low, and this guy still manages to slither under it. My question for you is why don't you think you deserve better?

Oh god life is too short for shit sex I've only had one good sexual partner and that's my current one. He like to make sure I've been satisfied before he gets his so, leave him and find someone better.

You need to discuss this with him. Get to the bottom of it. If it is porn addiction, if he agrees not to look at porn for a week or so and not to masturbate, he should be able to come more quickly with you. So depends if he thinks the relationship with you is worth him doing that Then go to sex therapy if you both think the relationship is worth saving.

It doesn't matter who he's attracted to sexually, it's, sadly, not you.

You are responsible for and control your actions as does he. So your choice is to accept this is who he is, this is what he likes sex to be, and you accept that. Or not.

His choice is to stay the same or address the root issues. Given what you've said, that would likely be intense and long term therapy (not less than a year).

It is not for you to seek to change him and mould him into a better version of himself, even if "only" in the bedroom. That is entirely on him, if he wants to. And he has to not only want to, but actively pursue it. It's on him.

If he can use google, he's perfectly capable of googling how to satisfy his partner. He's choosing not to.

Also worth remembering that you can pay for or get from friendships anything outside a relationship except sex and sexual intimacy. Great that he's kind and caring, but were you looking for another friendship? You are lacking not just orgasms with him but actual sexual intimacy.

why are you choosing to put up with this?

He doesn't want to have sex with you.

He doesn't want to touch you.

He doesn't want to give you an orgasm or sexual pleasure.

He doesn't want to even look at you when you are doing nice things to him.

And no matter how lovely & kind you think he is, he's not being honest with you about whatever is going on.

Gay? Porn? Whatever it is doesn't really matter does it? All these things remain true.

@ZoeTurtle In my opinion it’s the same as all the other things we turn a blind eye to as privileged people. He may know at the back of his head that the woman in the porn he’s watching may not be consenting, but she also may be consenting and he’s willing to shove that uncomfortable idea to the back of his mind. Doesn’t mean he’s into rape

Is it any different to people from developed countries shoving back the uncomfortable idea of slaves and/or people in sweatshops being forced to make our clothes, because we really want that new top? Any different from buying coffee from plantations that we know could well be using child labour?

I completely respect the opinion that porn should be boycotted because there is no denying that the industry is currently extremely sexist and misogynistic, but I don’t think it’s helpful to suggest to the OP that her boyfriend is a wannabe rapist because he finds the completely commonplace act of watching porn stimulating

carol
re your comment:-

"I don’t know I guess I’ve had some pretty bad relationships with some unkind people and this guy is amazing and makes me happy"

I shudder to think what those other relationships have been like (all abusive I think) if this bloke you've now shackled yourself too is amazing and makes you happy. Denial is a powerful force too and it does not at all sound amazing nor does he make you happy.

He is merely the latest in a long line of crap and otherwise abusive relationships you've had to date. Which brings me to you; what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your own parents show you about relationships?.

How did you arrive at this point?. Do you think you are actually unlovable and this from him is all you really deserve from a relationship?. Apart from ditching this selfish man, your best course of action would be to refrain from dating until you have sorted out your own lack of boundaries through counselling. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

I have spoken about the sex, which is bad but the other stuff I haven’t mentioned is the texts he sends telling me I’m pretty and saying I’m fit. The way when I’m poorly he did my shopping for weeks, cleaned my house, gave me lifts everywhere. How he texts me though the day and celebrates achievements I’ve had, the really lovely and nice stuff that make for a good and caring relationship

OP my DP does all of that but is also amazing and generous in bed. It's possible to have both!!

While I agree with PPs that you situation does point to something like a serious porn addiction or some kind of other sexual disfunction, after 8 months if you can't talk openly and frankly about it (have you tried? Apologies if I missed that) then that's a big old bad sign in itself.

I think you need to sit him down and start the conversation. If he refuses to discuss it, insists 'it's fine', gets defensive or tries to swing it back round on you then it's time for you to move on to someone who will tick ALL of your boxes.

My husband had something very similar when we first met. His wasn't extreme porn it was just that he'd open up about 15 tabs and move between them so he was constantly hyper stimulated so then when it came to actually having sex with women it was slightly boring because it was the same person doing the same thing for a long time. We spoke about it and he agreed to try stopping watching porn and masturbating to see the effect it had. It wasn't a quick fix - it probably took about a year to properly recondition his brain - but he is totally normal sexually now. It's worth noting though that despite finding it difficult to cum during sex in the early days, he was always extremely interested in ensuring I was satisfied.

In your position it's not necessarily something to immediately leave someone over but he really does need to be on board and want to fix things and acknowledge there's a problem. And you need to be patient if you want it to be fixed. Otherwise you need to ask yourself whether this sex life is something you can accept forever. Best of luck!

know my life is nicer and happier with him in it than it was before

It isn't though is it. OP stop trying to understand him and do both of you a favour and end it. It isn't working.

op, just make sure that whatever path you decide, his issues and problems are his, and not because of you.

OP, you say the first time you had sex, it was great. But that was drunken sex. It seems you have low standards. Have you considered counselling for yourself? Maybe work out why you're prepared to sacrifice your own happiness for someone you don't know very well (8 months is not long).

You continually describe your bf as lovely and kind, what does he do that's keeping you in this relationship?

Even if you do decide to stay with him.. you say you want a family? First of all he says he's unsure about this and secondly if he cannot ejaculate from penetrative sex you'll have a heartbreaking battle on your hands to attempt to conceive even if he decides he wants children. It may be hard to walk away but in the short term this is damaging your self esteem and denying you a sex life, in the long term it could leave you without the family you want. Think carefully about yourself and what you want from life. You deserve to be happy xx

Something that a lot of anti-porn people seem to forget is that a lot of young people don't realise how exploitative and unrealistic porn is

Well,yeah. That is one of the reasons WHY I'm anti porn

OP
You talk about googling the reasons why he won't go down on you.

THIS is so destructive. It is going to eat away at your self esteem.

If he was in a relationship for 10 years, he ISN'T inexperienced.

The dude is messed up.

I think you'll just need to be honest.

The lack of intimacy and care for your needs means it's not a relationship.

You love him as a friend but that's all it can be if he's going to act this way and not make an effort for you/with his own sexual problems.

There's no problem in saying you prefer your life with him in it. But you are just friends. He's not your lover.

It doesn't need to be goodbye forever but you need someone who is going to love you back. As he isn't.

sometimes it's that someone is young and inexperienced and they can change.

The OP’s boyfriend is nearly 40. And has previously had a decade long relationship.

It really isn’t @CarolBains’ job to try to fix him. Nor to figure out what exact his problem is.

I wasted 16 years with someone with a porn addiction. His last gf had seen the light too, I hope he stays single now for the sake of future girlfriends. No real woman will ever come close to his fantasies.

It really doesn't matter whether it's porn, he's gay, or anything else. He doesn't desire YOU and that's what matters.

8 months in and sex is weird and humiliating
I think this guy has some kind of weird trauma bond with his mother 🤔