Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

Everyone saying porn- yes it could be but it could also be medication for issues that he may not have discussed discussed with OP. It can look very similar to death grip/porn addiction and could be equally as uncomfortable for the man to talk about (lots of men are extremely secretive about mental health, especially things like bipolar, because of the stigma) , so you may not know.

Either way, I agree with the PP who has said it doesn't really matter, because the actual issue here is that he's selfish in bed and doesn't reciprocate anything the OP does for him. I'd dump someone for that. You deserve better.

Sex is a great and life affirming thing, which brings couples closer together. It is a source of intimacy that you share together and is the one part of your life that is just about the two of you. It is meant to feel good, great even, and when you're in love with your partner it can also be emotional and beautiful and hilarious and full of pure love. Why would you settle for this awful grim relationship and miss out on all of that? He is not worth such a sacrifice.

The excuses you keep making for this man make me very sad for you. This is not how healthy relationships work.

It makes me feel sad too:(
I think he's having a laugh at your expense:(

He's sexually repressed because he has issues. He can't not put love and sex in the same box. They are completely separate things. So he does nice things for you because he cares and when it comes down to sex his head is fucked and you are treated like an object. He's uncomfortable and does odd things to help him to cum.

He needs help to come to terms with his problem no matter what it may be, and for you to be able to deal with the situation.
IMHO

You need to be able to communicate about sex to have good sex, please have those conversations! It’s really sad that women are so socially conditioned to always make men feel comfortable that we won’t talk about men being completely inconsiderate in the bedroom because we worry about hurting their feelings! (How about your feelings being hurt by never being pleasured and questioning whether you’re desirable???) Please let’s reverse this - I doubt there is a man on this planet who would put up with never ever coming while his girlfriend came every time after he put in loads of work to get her there.... can you imagine?! Would just never ever happen, a man would not consider that acceptable.
Your partner sounds lovely outside the bedroom - please please tell him this is not ok, ask him what gets him off and how you can build that into a sex life that works for both of you where you BOTH get pleasure. Also please start listening to the Dan Savage sex and love advice podcast. Good luck!

He does not love fanny, that lad

You don’t love him, OP.

You’re in love with the idea of a relationship, and you are setting your bar way too low.

He sounds like an absolute loser, and I wouldn’t have tolerated this crap sex for eight days, never mind eight months.

Don’t waste another moment of your life wondering why he is this way, or trying to normalise him into the partner you want.

Fuck him off to his lap top, his right hand, and the land of porn, where women are tortured for the pleasure of the male gaze. 🤢🤮🤢🤮

You deserve to have a regular and fulfilling sex life. Not giving you oral but taking it is incredibly selfish and unfair when he knows you like and want this. If he’s not prepared to talk about it or improve then he’s not interested in your happiness and fulfilment. I agree that no sex is better than shit sex.

OP Do you think he sees escorts ? This could be an answer if he detaches from you and lets you service him without doing anything back.. I mean.. why would he when he is the one paying ?

Sex is such an important part of the honeymoon phase particularly, I really don’t know how you’re putting up with this OP. It should be all fun and excitement. You’re selling yourself short, move on.

This is so fucked up and I couldn't be in a relationship like this. Why haven't you asked him why he won't touch you? How have you let this go on for so long? He sounds absolutely pathetic

Just because he doesn't look at you or touch you, it doesn't make him gay.

He doesn't look at you because he's trying to cum, and that won't happen by looking at the same old face every day. He needs to close his eyes and think of someone else. They're addicted to the variety of women porn can bring, the new stimulation each time is a rush. It's akin to a drug.

I don't know how stereotypically attractive you are figure-wise, but if you fall into the category of average, you're not that desirable to a porn addict. Also, another factor is that they're not connected during sex. They'll connect at the start because you're new, but that doesn't last for long as the novelty wears off super quickly.

Porn addicts really are the most selfish of lovers, if you can even call them that?

It just sounds so awkward and unsexy, I couldn’t be in a sexual relationship like this. Friends- yes. Sexual partner - no.

Irrespective of gay, porn, death grip or anything else, if you want to feel desired this is not the person for you - he doesn’t seem interested and the whole thing will destroy your self esteem.

I had an ex similar to this (except he lacked the other qualities you list), not exactly the same but he was disinterested in having sex with me and it really confused me and ruined my confidence even though other people found me attractive it feels (& is) more like a rejection from a partner.

I know it doesn’t make him gay, I guess I’m questioning that with his lack of interest in my female parts! 😂
In terms of attractiveness, I’d say I’m ok! I’m not 18 but I’m reasonably attractive, blonde, slim, just clearly don’t do it for him!

Something that a lot of anti-porn people seem to forget is that a lot of young people don't realise how exploitative and unrealistic porn is.
The ease of access that allows so many children to view online porn is a big part of the reason why "anti porn people" are anti porn. If you're actually talking about adults viewing porn, then they bear responsibility for conducting themselves ethically in this arena. Just as we all bear responsibility for spending our money ethically, voting ethically, behaving ethically in the workplace etc. In all areas of life, we are responsible for the impact of our behaviours. Some people don't value ethics and choose to ignore their responsibilities, but claiming ignorance is no excuse whatsoever.
At any rate, this is all completely irrelevant because OP's boyfriend is 39 not a poor helpless "young person". He was already an adult when online porn became easily accessible to the majority of people.

A shame to chuck someone in the bin without at least trying to address the problem.
It is not a woman's job to fix a man. Ever. Most certainly not in a short relationship of just 8 months. She is not obligated to stay with him at all.

Had exactly this with an ex boyfriend - he was gay. Sorry! Don't waste your youth, looks, energy and self esteem on him. Get rid.

@TorkTorkBam

I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

Of course you want that in a boyfriend. You do not have it with this boyfriend. Get rid. He is not the man for you.

This. Life is too short. This won’t get better, it just won’t.

Is he taking any drugs? Specifically opiates?
This can cause delayed ejaculation..

He has pornitus, that's what I call it..

I just had to google ''Death Grip''...Never knew that even was a thing?...Haven't men always masturbated, through the centuries?..

Nothing that isn’t prescribed. He has acid reflux so takes some meds for that but I don’t think they’re opiates

@CarolBains
If it makes you feel any better...It isn't YOU!.

I had a partner that was like this...{He really hated 'women's bits'} and I spoke to the person whom he is with years later..{or rather...she phoned me up}....and guess what!

He is exactly the same with her.

My advice ...Get someone who you are more compatible with.

Edit: I think the man I had experience of was incredibly repressed... He had a rather puritanical mother who made us sleep in separate beds when visiting, and made us sleep with the bedroom door open...and their bedroom door was wide open too.....

I found some soft porn mags under his mattress that he said ''Belonged to someone else'' 🤔

He was terrified of a woman having a period..it literally made him sweat and go goosepimply and heave.

And he never once went down.

Not a great partner.

@oakleaffy

I just had to google ''Death Grip''...Never knew that even was a thing?...Haven't men always masturbated, through the centuries?..

Yes, but not so compulsively, and not to such extreme material unrelated to the actual reality of sex between intimate couples. The imagery that they come to associate with orgasm (often as teenagers before they've even had sex) is so exaggerated and unreal, it means they become conditioned to that, rather than real women, in order to find sexual satisfaction.