Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

I am not sure that's better than sexless.

He is going to try to force himself to try to give you pleasure during sex?

He is 39 and has had long term relationships. You've only been with him for 8 months and if I read your OP correctly you have only had good sex once. What issues might he work through now that will make him good in bed? Will you be his teacher? What about the fact that he doesn't fancy you sexually? How will you and he get past that?

You are 34. You said you want children. He is not sure if he does. He is 39. The sex is crap. He has issues. I'm not sure it's wise to bet your fertility on this one.

Tork’s last paragraph pretty much sums it up.

He says he has insecurities and feels pressured and yet OP says that their first sexual encounter was very good, these two things seem at odds🤔
Was the first time a bait-and-switch manoeuvre?
He was able to do his part then to make it a mutually pleasurable encounter, and then after that she gets nothing... it's all about his pleasure
is he really insecure and pressured or is he totally in control and knows exactly what he's doing?

Did he suggest he’d take the main points of your conversation to his next therapist appointment? Maybe even call for a sooner appointment to deal with it? Has he even addressed his sexual disfunction and strange detachment with his therapist before?

I’d be a bit if he’s been in therapy for ages and not raised it himself. I mean, going over your childhood is well and good. But usually that kind of therapy is still done with a view of breaking old patterns to allow current and future relationships to thrive. No matter how long they discuss his mum, his very specific sexual disfunction is what’s ending his relationship and his chances of a happy family life.

People in long-term therapy with their heads still firmly in the sand are unlikely to have major breakthroughs, are they?

You, on the other hand, could get great help from a therapist. To figure out who convinced you that you aren’t deserving of a loving partner. Cos you are. The only toolbox we’re ever given is the one to work on ourselves. You can’t fix him, even if you offer up a lifetime of your self-esteem to trying.

I don’t think children should just be conceived with hearts and flowers and an orchestra playing (I’m a big fan of IVF), but the technicalities of trying to conceive with this guy’s issues makes me shudder. What a way to begin a life- with a guy who’s clearly repulsed by sex and their partner. Too sad to contemplate. Give me the romance of a test tube over this, any day.

He is either gay, severely sexually repressed, porn addicted, or possibly a survivor of SA.

Op
How would you practically move forward after the talk?

If you stay, I reckon you would feel sorry for him, and would never bring it up again.
His whole ' woe is me' explanation pretty much guarantees it.

If you want children, move on as quickly as you can.

He says he feels pressured, that he needs to cum for me and that’s why he does what he does.

But he doesn't feel pressured to make you orgasm?

Selfish weirdo.

He just isn't into sex. My boyfriend often can't orgasm because of his medication but he ALWAYS enjoys giving me plenty and is obviously really into it even if he can't. Your boyfriend seems to see sex as a chore and a pressure that he has to complete rather than fun connection time for you both. I'm not sure how you come back from this, when it's obvious that he isn't into it.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

He says he feels pressured, that he needs to cum for me and that’s why he does what he does.

But he doesn't feel pressured to make you orgasm?

Selfish weirdo.

Yeah, that's what I don't get!

Gay ? Even if addicted to porn a straight man will enjoy looking and playing with your body

What a selfish bastard. So you have to think about the good times, while you wank him for hours, forego good sex and forget having kids?

Apologies, haven't RTFT, so someone may already have said this, but (other than the porn option - which is very likely) he may be a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. If he is, he will have very confused feelings about sex. Boys who are abused do get erections, and their bodies experience the pleasant side-effects of sex while their hearts and minds are screaming 'NO'. As adults, they still want the physical side-effects of the act, but obviously find it nearly impossible (without a lot of therapy/counselling or similar help) to engage it in with their hearts and minds. The way the OP talks of him being 'rigid' and refusing to look at her at all are both signs this may be the case. Unfortunately I have two good male friends who are both abuse survivors, so I know more than I'd like to about the physical/mental/emotional conflicts male survivors suffer as adults (neither were in a relationship with me, I hasten to add - purely good friends).

But I may be way off the mark, and once again, apologies to anyone who's already proposed this possibility more eloquently than me.

Either way, OP, this relationship isn't really sustainable for you because it isn't making you happy, and he doesn't sound happy either (even though you sound lovely!). Whatever you choose to do, good luck.

@CarolBains

Having caught up on your thread I think you have done the right thing ending it. If he is having sex problems at the start of the relationship,then the chances are it won't get better and it isn't your problem to sort out.

Basically at your point in a relationship, normality is wanting sex extremely frequently and being able to cum extremely easily, the issue more likely being able to,hold off...or at least having a second round.

Frankly my experience before settling down was it was useful to use a condom as otherwise I would have been constantly full of cum. I never imagined a problem where he couldn't and had to masturbate

Trying again now won't help as he definitely will have performance anxiety now if he didn't before

Do you actually have sex/intercourse at all? I just reread your op and you say you touch him for twenty minutes, he doesn’t touch you at all and then he masturbates for ages with his eyes closed. So he doesn’t interact with you at all?

That must be so horrible for you. I can’t believe you have put up with that for months however good the rest of the relationship is.

I don’t think a chat with him would have made any difference at all. He’s not a teenager, he’s a 39 year old adult man.

Sorry it’s very weird.

Oh it just sounds so grim. It's not like there's anything he can say to fix things - if he cared, he would have been talking to you about it from the start. And what is this idea that he feels under pressure to have an orgasm? Who cares? WHAT ABOUT YOU? Why is it all about him all the time?

Just end it. Find a nice man who likes sex and wants to make babies with you. Don't put up with this misery any longer.

I'm kind of speechless op. He's so selfish, her dissent think of your pleasure at all. You poor thing. You deserve so much better than that. I know he says he feels pressure to come "for you", but that's less for your pleasure and more for saving his face. If you guys were to ever have a satisfying sex life, he'd have to be considering your pleasure. He isn't one bit. There are other fish in the sea, don't land yourself with this flounder.

I knew he'd try to persuade you to stay and that you'd waiver. Some desperate people will believe anything. Good luck, you'll need it.

I'm so sorry @CarolBains

I think @IDontMindMarmite sums it up perfectly, breathtakingly selfish.

All.about.him

Don't let him continue to draw you in.

There really are decent men out there who can be kind by day and decent in bed. It's really not fair for him to pretend he is doing this 'for you' when it is blatantly just to save his face. It's horrible for you.

He is very clever at appealing to you to 'save' him. Run, run like the wind.

That's sounds grim. I wouldn't be initiating anything more than a goodbye chat.

@CarolBains He's being emotionally manipulative - please think about the good stuff and ignore the bits that are making you unhapooy. It's not your job to fix him. And you aren't obliged to settle for less.

He's right in that he has problems orgasming but he's not being honest about WHY that is. Something is at the root of this, whether it's porn addiction or his sexuality or some deep set issues - whatever. It doesn't matter because it's not your responsibility.

It's a new relationship and this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, where you have fun and see if it works out for you both. It isn't working. It's fine to end a relationship that is mostly good but has some unsatisfactory bits.

He says he feels pressured, that he needs to cum for me and that’s why he does what he does.
He says he feels he’s made it all about him though his insecurities and acknowledges that he’s been selfish. He said this was also in part because he feels he doesn’t really know what to do/feel confident giving me oral sex.

These don't sound like massive issues in themselves, they sound like weird hang ups around sex that could be worked through. But when you look at the bigger picture his excuse doesn't ring true or seems to be incurable.

He was in a relationship for 10 years. But doesn't know how to give oral or mastabate a woman? He feels pressured to cum for you, buy doesn't feel pressured to make you cum?

It's really not hard to look online and find out how to give a woman pleasure.

I would say he's either not being truthful or is being truthful but the issues can't be fixed. I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. He knows what he's doing is weird but made no effort to resolve his issues himself, instead was just happy to not have sex. He's not going to change.

@pinkyredrose

I knew he'd try to persuade you to stay and that you'd waiver. Some desperate people will believe anything. Good luck, you'll need it.

I’m finding this incredibly hard and it’s led me to question a lot about myself - how have I missed what everyone else readily sees, I feel pathetic. I’m crying all the time and really struggling to manage this. I don’t think I’m the only one in a relationship to miss something. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a lot of people around me to speak things like this though with and the ones I do I’m embarrassed to, so speaking on here has been really helpful. But I could have really done without been called desperate

Honestly OP, don't be embarrassed! You're not pathetic, you're not "desperate". Women and girls are not brought up to be able to talk to men about how to have good sex. It's tricky to find the words to not criticise or offend.

But now your eyes are opened and you've started the conversation I hope you persevere.

OP, don't take these responses personally. Similarly, don't make his problem about you. It's about him. His erectile dysfunction. His selfishness. His poor communication etc etc. Only HE can fix this and it looks like he isn't even trying. You can't change him. Let sleeping dogs lie. Move on....