Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

sometimes it's that someone is young and inexperienced and they can change.

The OP’s boyfriend is nearly 40. And has previously had a decade long relationship.

It really isn’t @CarolBains’ job to try to fix him. Nor to figure out what exact his problem is.

Absolutely this.

If he has a problem then he needs to go to counselling and sort it himself, whilst staying single - because it's not fair to put this problem onto someone else in a new relationship.

www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/sfofd/just_cured_death_grip_after_6_years_and_hundreds/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

I would leave him.

Porn? Medication? Fear of intimacy?

Fuck that! (Pun intended)

He is either gay or into porn a bit too much haha. Or both

Either way. Leave him

I’m not being hideous but between this PLUS the mental and emotional baggage he seems to be handing to you like you’re lost property or something I’d call it quits.

It’s 8 months and honestly things shouldn’t be this difficult at this early stage.

I've had a few 'selfish in bed' blokes but none like this and certainly none that didn't want to look at or touch my body.

I reckon he has a very specific predilection that he’s recalling when he cums, and it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. You’re not invested here, set yourself free!

How self-centred he must be if he was i. Shock that the previous partner left him. He clearly thinks his sexual, erm, offerings are normal

Why are you putting up with this? It’s been 8 months. I’m sorry but you don’t love someone after 8 months. It sounds like you are just desperate for this to work so putting up with all this shit and telling yourself you love him. Life is too short. Move on and get someone who isn’t a crap shag. Maybe he is lovely in other ways but he doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure and it’s only going to get worse.

Ugh. I always wonder why women bother going back for seconds with men like this...let alone 8 months.
Seriously. He’s shit. You’re young. Find someone else

Well you’ve all helped me see how dysfunctional this is! I think I’ve been ‘kidding’ myself for a while now.
I’m sad and upset but going to talk with him today. No idea how that will go, I mean how would anyone respond to what I’ve got to say - defensively!?
I think maybe I have been wanting a relationship for so long that I’ve kinda let myself not fully except what is going on in this one and pushed it to the back of my mind for sometime.

I don’t feel like my bars incredibly low (many of you will disagree!), over the years I’ve dated I’m always the one that’s been too choosy and ends things easily on. I Guess there’s just something about this one that I really like, I can’t explain what that is but do think maybe that feeling has led me to over look the stuff in the bedroom, thinking it’d get better - and it’s not and I’m feeling like crap.
Thank you for helping me see this X

Good luck, Carol. Insist that you both speak calmly and listen to each other - no defensive questions.

If he isn't even prepared to discuss or disclose, consider leaving - or him leaving - and say so. You really cannot go on as you are.

I would bin him (depending on how you feel about him). If you love him and want to try to make it work then you need to talk to him properly about it - he may need therapy. He isn’t respecting or showing any interest in your needs - so this goes deeper than sexual issues.

Well you’ve all helped me see how dysfunctional this is! I think I’ve been ‘kidding’ myself for a while now

You said as much in March. What's there to 'talk' about? Why can't you tell him to leave immediately?

@pinkyredrose

Well you’ve all helped me see how dysfunctional this is! I think I’ve been ‘kidding’ myself for a while now

You said as much in March. What's there to 'talk' about? Why can't you tell him to leave immediately?

In March? I’m not sure what you mean.

I could end it immediately but I think I owe it to myself to have a conversation with him about this. Maybe he’ll explain, maybe he won’t. But if I just end things now I’ll never know.

Maybe he’ll explain, maybe he won’t. But if I just end things now I’ll never know.

You know he's been happy for 8 months for your sex life to be nothing more than him masturbating without touching or looking at you, and you never having an orgasm. And happy not to talk about it and happy for it to continue.

How does one plan to have a conversation about "you are shit in bed" and expect anything good to come out of it.

You might as well poo in his shoes and see if that ends the relationship.

You proposed conversation seems like a really bad idea. What could it possibly achieve that is good?

OP, it doesn’t matter what HIS explanation is! You sound incredibly passive.
This is your one and only life. Take charge of it.

Remember your lived experience over the last eight months surely counters any old twaddle he SAYS about it?

This guy isn’t for you, unless you like being miserable and martyring yourself to his cause. You need to give yourself a shake.

Please don't let him convince you to stay and he'll try harder, it will just be a further waste of your time and the eroding of your self-esteem as the situation inevitably slips back to where you are now (if it changes at all). Any passion he shows you'll be wondring 'is it genuine'? it will destroy your confidence. Trust me, I'm seeing that future path very clearly.

That’s whats happened. My head just feels so messed up right now. I’ve spoken about everything and he’s explanation is that he doesn’t watch porn and isn’t gay. He’s said he has watched porn in the past and knows he has an issue with cuming. He says he feels pressured, that he needs to cum for me and that’s why he does what he does.
He says he feels he’s made it all about him though his insecurities and acknowledges that he’s been selfish. He said this was also in part because he feels he doesn’t really know what to do/feel confident giving me oral sex.
He’s asked me to think about all the other lovely things we do together (there are a lot) and that he loves me.
I wish things felt easier

Sooo, he has acknowledged being crap in bed and selfish too boot. OK.

And then he asked you to consider being in a sex free relationship with him because he likes things as they are.

And that won you over.

When do you next plan to be in a bed together? At whose place? Can you create some thinking space for yourself between now and then?

• to boot

No he didn’t ask me to consider been in a sex free relationship, he acknowledged he has been selfish and would change this.
Yes giving myself space now. Ended with me asking him to leave and saying I wasn’t sure if we could continue.
I’m worried it’s too damaged, like if he ‘pleases’ me will it feel like he really wants to do this. I’m also worried that maybe he has some issues that could be worked though and I’m making a mistake ending it now.
My heads just a mess tbh

Love you are not his therapist

He's acknowledged he's got a problem, then he takes the pressure off himself
Stops seeing any women and go seek help

But he's not, it's yes that's all true and he's sorry...but no solution just well but we have such a laugh , um no that's back on you to come up with a solution
It's put up or shut up, and well I love you that's enough surely

Naw step away op