DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. Quite the opposite.

Tbh reading that I think you’re a saint. I’d have cracked long before now.

You don’t seem too upset if the relationship is over, just trying to figure out if you have been awful and I right?

In which case no you haven’t. You are allowed your own emotions and needs, it’s not all about them.

Should say AM I right 🙄

Do you get much from the relationship? It sounds like you are doing most of the work, although I know he helped with the selling. Bringing his daughter away to give you space isn't really a favour. Bringing all the children would have been a favour. I wouldn't apologise.

I would definitely be upset if the relationship was over. I think it’s telling that I’m breathing a huge sigh of relief that I’ve got my house to myself, but I think that’s relief over having a break from his daughter than about not having him around. I don’t want to see either of them right now as I’m enjoying the peace, but I’ll start to miss him in a while, for sure.

This does not sound like a man who can deal with close relationships and the two-way emotional support that this requires.

I honestly think you should just heave a sigh of relief and try and set aside the unreasonable nature of their decision. Just be glad that it IS the decision, so that you can get on with your life.

Good luck with your house move.

You sound lovely. Let them.go. in all this you have a 10 and 13 year old and only so much time and energy to give. Focus it on your children and yourself. I'm further down the house moving line and a single parent, and every part of the process is stressful, but I focus solely on my two children and me and I'm.coping. I personally would see take this opportunity for a new start for just you and your dc

You had a bit of a tense week and, after all you had done for his daughter, they decided to bugger off?! Although there are limits, any good partner in a relationship should accept that you need to take the rough with the smooth.

You had every right to feel the way you did and act the way you did. Best that you know that your DP is a fair weather friend now - doesn't sound like someone you can rely on when the chips are down.

So they were totally fine leeching off living with you as long as you were all chirpy and useful but when you had a dip and asked for a little support they buggered off?

It sounds like life will be easier without them.

Good luck with sorting the house out.

You’re not unreasonable at all. Both them sound like entitled free loaders and you’re best off without them.Hugs for the crap week you’ve had

Agree with this - you’ve gone out of your way to be kind and helpful. It sounds like what’s happened is that your DP and his DD have been taking advantage of that a bit. So not unreasonable at all for you to be a bit fed up with it at this point.

Hopefully they won’t try to come back! Don’t let them.

I think you have been really lovely letting his daughter stay at your house and not asking for any financial contributions. Sounds like she hasn't helped out like she said she would and she sounds lazy.

I would let them get on with it, they should both be very appreciative of your support not go off in a strop because you are (rightly so) having a few 'off' days. They have got a bloody cheek.

Love your own self for a change OP. Put you and your children front and centre in your lives now. Not some man with a diagnosed personality disorder and his self serving entitled daughter. Life indeed will be easier without those two in your life.

They have to say YABU to make themselves feel better. Yes your DP was helping with the house but he’s been living there rent free. As has his daughter. You could’ve plonked them in front of the telly while you worked anyway, she made zero contribution. She needs a year off 🙄 no wonder her mum was angry with her.

Leave them to cope on their own, they’ll come running back- But do not get back together with him.

Concentrate on the feeling of relief, not the unfairness of them blaming you for their problems. People like this always have to have someone else to blame.

No I don’t believe you need to apologise at all.
You can easily explain your position without saying sorry. His DD was talking the piss imo.

I wouldn't apologise if he gets in touch with you, you've absolutely nothing to apologise for. To me it sounds like he should be thanking you for what you've done for his daughter and saying sorry to you for being unreasonable.

No apologies needed. What for? I think they both owe you a big thank you for taking in his DD for so long. I feel for your 10 yo who seems to have got the short straw.

I would wait for your DP to process this all and see if he can see the bigger picture after some space. He has helped you with your house, but you have helped him with his DD. There is a balance that needs to be struck.

I should say - my own children have only been with me about 50% of the time over summer as they’ve been staying with their dad, so when he’s taken his daughter out, I’ve been here alone. DP doesn’t freeload, to give him his due, he works very hard to contribute.

On the other hand, she definitely does freeload. It hasn’t actually cost me any extra to have her here (DP buys all the food for the house) but that will change in the winter as the bills here are astronomical and one extra person does make a difference.

I don’t know if she’s lazy or there something not quite right with her developmentally (or both). To give a picture:

• she’s scared of the dark or of being in a house alone. She could have gone and stayed at her dad’s flat instead of being here, but there isn’t room for them both and she’s too fearful to be there alone
• she’s scared to take taxis and there are no decent transport links in his village so it would be hard for her to get around
• she doesn’t like to walk so constantly calls people for lifts but doesn’t offer money. She’s mentioned before how unreasonable she thinks her friends’ parents are for not driving their children around for free.
• she’s been asked to take showers here rather than run baths several times a week, because I’m not any mains utilities, the heating oil is extortionate and a bath uses an entire tank of water. When she was asked to take showers instead because of using up all the water she said ‘but all she needs to do is flick the heating on for an extra couple of hours’. After it was explained to her how expensive she was and she understood after that, but the assumption was annoying.
• pretty much as soon as she came here she was talking about how she lived here now, and that this was her home and her safe space. I had to remind her that she’s staying here, not living here. She still brings friends round to ‘show the place off’.
• she has binge eating disorder. I asked her (nicely) to keep all her snacks and fizzy drinks in a cupboard or in her room as my own children keep asking me to get them the same stuff, and she called a relative to say how unreasonable it was that she’d been asked to keep her food out of sight.
• she had a friend round for dinner one night. Because she’d been feeling low, I cooked for them both. She did absolutely nothing to help clear up, just left the leftover food and all the plates etc on the dining room while they went off to do their own thing.

I know she’ll be very tearful and emotional about having had to leave here (it will have been DPs insistence) but the thought of having her back is too difficult to contemplate.

So you’ve supported him with his mental health and you’ve supported her with housing and now you need support they’ve thrown a strop and stormed off?
Bullet dodged. Block their numbers and don’t give them a second thought past the fact they’re both nobbers.

So now he CAN accommodate his dd? Well then leave them to it.. You and your dc can enjoy your fresh start.
They sound ungrateful takers op..

Bloody hell they have hides as thick as a rhino! If I were staying somewhere with a bone idle young adult and I sensed an atmosphere I'd know damn well it was us who were the cause. Please don't feel bad. Its definitely not you. The daughter is a piss taker and he is enabling her.

You don't need to apologise. Any relationship where the overriding feeling is relief when they go away is not one with legs.

Concentrate upon what you need to do for yourself and your children. You'll be great - and there's a good chance that you won't ever get around to missing him that much.

You sound like a lovely, decent person who has had a lot to cope with.

You did all you could to help your partner's daughter but she did nothing to help herself and expect you to support her...

Your partner also sounds rather immature. He chose to run away and blamed you at the first sign of trouble when you did your best to make him and his daughter feel welcome and were supportive throughout.

It sounds like it is a good thing for you though to be able to now concentrate on yourself and your house sale.

They are the ones who should apologise but I am afraid you probably are better off without them in the long term.

Nothing to apologise for. Don't let yourself get walked over.