DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

please tell us you won't take either back you have enough to cope with without a female cocklodge and a emotionally removed partner.
look after your dc they are your priority, and yourself of course. the adults have to do the adult stuff for themselves.

What is his personality disorder? It does sound like life will always be about them and you serving their needs, rather than mutually supportive. The test of a relationship is how your partner acts when you are in need. He has left and effectively ghosted you.

Why would you have him back?

@Shouldbedoing

Leave your key inside the front door and exit via the back door if possible. You don't want this pair back in the house when you return from your lovely day out.

and get the locks changed ! they can arrange to collect their stuff, you can bagit up and leave it outside.

No need to apologise enjoy the peace

The sooner you get shot of the lot of them, the better.

It sounds like a pressure cooker situation and the right thing for them to do was to move back out, given it is not actually their home, in order to create some space and give you some peace. However, I strongly suspect this isn't why they did it, but instead to make you feel guilty and easier to exploit when they deign to return.

TOTALLY this. He even said he felt it was a pressure cooker and could blow at any moment so he was putting in some space. The space thing is just fine, I’m ok with that, but I’m also ok with having the odd argument to clear the air. I don’t see it as a bad thing. Just walking off and freezing someone out is far more of an issue, in my opinion. I agree though that it may have been done more as a punishment. That’s not going to work. I do feel guilty if my low mood has been interpreted as sulking or some kind of silent treatment, as that’s not good behaviour, but that’s certainly not how I was feeling and I definitely wasn’t silent.

For the people asking if I’ll continue the relationship, in all honesty I don’t know that I’ve got the headspace to think that one through. We’ve been together long enough for me to know his patterns, and I suspect he’s retreated to figure out why he’s feeling uncomfortable and what to do about it. At the same time I kind of don’t want to waste TOO much time thinking about what he’s doing or why he’s doing it. It’s all about the mental load. I’ve got so much on my plate I want to really concentrate on doing it: deciding how end it, arrange for him to come to get his stuff, get ready for the inevitable deep & meaningful - all that stuff can honestly get fucked at the moment. I’d rather he just carried on his withdrawal for as long as possible so I don’t have to think about it. I know that’s not practical for more than a few days, but still.

You don't sound unreasonable at all, far from it. I'm very sorry you are having all of this to deal with. 💐

My god you are a saint. You are one of those kind people who have tried to help a young stranger out and have done as much as you can.

She is got two parents with issues so it is no wonder she is screwed up. If it wasn't for lockdown and you had posted before I would advise you to tell her to go the other side of the world to escape both her parents for a bit. Being away from both of them and having to stand on her own two feet would make her grow up.

Oh and dump your bf he sounds like a piece of work dumping his adult child on his gf because he can't deal with her, and then blaming his gf when she's had enough of his screwed up child.

If it feels like a relief and it looks like a relief then is probably is a relief! I was being a bit facetious there ! But if your overwhelming feeling is one of relief trust that ! If he wants to be more of a bf with his own place and you in your place for some nights out etc I suppose that might suit. But all that accommodation for no return just seems an extra drain . Enjoy the relief!

You'll have a lot less on your plate without him.

I think it's a very manipulative technique to get somebody to carry on giving you umpteen more chances. My x did this to me. He allegedly thought so poorly of me, that I kept trying to PROVE my good intent. He benefited a lot from that. It depleted me absolutely.

AGree with him that you're awful. Agree with him that he deserves more. Agree with him that you will set him free.

Feel no qualms about having made your life a lot simpler by ending it is my advice. x

Gosh. It sounds like life will be much better without step-daughter living there. She has overworn her welcome out with you hasn't she. It sounds like she is partly inconsiderate/selfish, in the way that people (including me) grow out of with age, and an awareness of how much things cost becauses you are paying bills yourself, and other deeper issues. She is very needy, and seems to have been enabled in that by her DF, your DP? This won't help her at all, and she has some rude shocks waiting for her down the line :) Sounds like she would benefit from some help with her anxiety, as this is not normal, and is spoiling her life, as well as making other people's more difficult. I too have a needy DSD, who doesn't live with me(fortunately) and it has caused issues in the past. She is getting a bit better since she got a job (and she resisted this very hard, for a long time. And she will still try to get DH to make over an hours round trip to save the taxi fare to work, on the grounds that it costs him, and not her) but she is slightly better. Her mum is the enabler in our case, but it sounds like your DSD's mum might not be. Is this the source of some of the conflict do ya think? FWIW I think know that you have exhibited much more patience than I would have done.

You need to make it very clear to your dp that you are a full human being with your own emotions and needs and you can’t always be “ok” for his sake. Relationships should be about MUTUAL support.
Do you really want to carry on with a partner who requires support but does not give it in return.

AGree with him that you're awful. Agree with him that he deserves more. Agree with him that you will set him free

Yes, this would be my strategy. This would avoid the whole deep & meaningful as well. Pre-lockdown we were living in our own homes and it was easier, but it’s definitely gone a bit sour so not sure that would work either.

He’s still not got in touch which I’m feeling less than impressed about as, as far as they’re concerned, his daughter is supposed to be looking after my children today. This more than anything goes to show it’s about punishment rather than space.

Enjoy your day out but having read your follow up I would be concerned that their time out will involve them coming to the conclusion that the status quo wasn't actually that bad, for them, and so you'll simply come back to them in your house with a half-arsed apology and no actual change.

Use this time for some recovery for yourself OP.

You need this mental space for now

He's handed you a 'gift'. Take it, don't return it, and don't let him ask for it back. And make sure he can't get back into your space (physically and mentally).

They are being very unreasonable and punishing you by leaving. You’ve been amazing to take in DP’s daughter when you have your own DCs, full time job and own life. You’re selling your house which is stressful enough without the emotions that go with it and where is DP’s understanding and support of you going through this? It seems a one sided relationship in that respect. You deserve better I think.

It’s hard to tell with DP if he’ll come to the conclusion that the status quo was ok really. Like I said, if he gets into a mindset that something was awful, that mindset can stick, regardless of any nuance. The likelihood is that he’s gone back to his place, thought ‘ah the atmosphere here is better’ and conclude that it was always awful here and he should have been there the whole time. And this is fine with me, I’m not in the habit of convincing people to be with me.

I’m not changing the locks as my hope is he’ll come here today, possibly because he thinks I’m out, and collect some of his things so he won’t be doing it next week while I’m trying to work. I don’t think for a second I’ll come back to find them re-established here, or having come and taken all my stuff, messed the place up or whatever. That’s totally not him at all. The most he’d do is come and quietly take some things and go. Possibly with the intention of making me feel sad and disappointed when I get home, which it might do for half a second before I feel relieved I’m not the one who has to bag it all up.

Your attachment to this bloke and ergo his daughter is unhealthy and you need to detach.

All the details and gnashing of teeth are just a waste of energy. It’s a dysfunctional situation. It would be best and healthiest for you and your children to disengage.

I actually suspect that your dp and his dd really did feel as though they were treading on egg shells, because you tend to make offers that you can't follow through on.

I think some of this should have been predictable for you - there is no way I'd offer a 22 year old recent grad with her background a room in my house because the chances of them being somewhat entitled, self centred and a PITA and with her own issues would be high and I would predict that it would be too much for me and not fair to my dc and would disrupt my relationship with my partner - and the idea of doing it while going through the stress of getting a house ready to sell and going through old things makes it even more insane. I think you bit off more than you could chew, and you couldn't follow through on your kind offer. See this as a learning experience for you, to know your limits and to use better judgement when making kind offers. You could have also have thought about fixing a fixed period of time at the outset.

Re your partner's dd, it sounds like she could do with some help with how she thinks about things and help to come to terms with her upbringing, and it sounds as though neither you or either of her parents can provide that. It is hard to know how serious this is from your post - re the eating if she is bingeing and then causing herself to vomit then that is pretty serious, if she just eats too much at one go again I really wouldn't be shocked by that but she needs encouragement to grow up, start to take a few risks and stand on her own two feet - but at the same time help to see things differently would help which is where some external help maybe cbt might be useful.

I don't think either your or your partner needs to apologise to each other, just chalk it down to experience. You could say to him that you thought it would work out but it didn't. He did the right thing getting out when he did, but he now needs to help his dd away from your home.

You have been fabulously supportive, particularly at a time of personal sorrow and upheaval.

Who gets to choose to have a year out to get over any relationship, however toxic? The daughter needs to get a job. If her issues make that unrealistic then her dad should be helping her get professional support/counselling not just expecting you to have her an inconsiderate lodger.

Don't doubt yourself.

You seem to be clinging on to the idea of a relationship with this man.

The daughter has a qualification in childcare yet didn't even repay your hospitality by doing anything much with your children? Why would you want your children to grow up with these people in their lives?

In terms of clearing the house, it can be very difficult when you are on your own. With waves of strange emotions when you find something of meaning. Clearing my parents place was far easier/quicker when DH came down.

Similarly a friend asked me for help last week as the sale of her late parents home was going through faster than expected. I was really happy to have a break from lockdown summer, and we able to deliver a fresh boost of energy. Perhaps that is what professional declutters do. She was, for good reasons, very tired. Selling the house was the last chapter in a difficult few years. I was the one who was able to pull things out of drawers, and get her to then decide what to keep, throw or donate. A big box for the personal stuff to be dealt with another time. No need for mismatched glasses and crockery. We cleared a surprising amount in two days. Someone else had already labelled the furniture for move, sale or skip. I really enjoyed being able to help in a practical way, and was very pleased to have been asked.

Do you have anyone who is a friend, rather than attached emotionally, who could be asked.

Standing back and looking it feels as if you , totally understandably, stepped out of the role they required for you as the support and the steady one and rather consider what you might be going through they entirely focused on how it affected them. What they should have done , him in particular as your partner was look to support you.

Personality disorder or not , his first focus was himself , his dd fine , her behaviour is ridiculous for her age setting but ok there may be a reason behind it.

Why don't you deserve support and care rather than punishment ? My personal view is that when I had the headspace would just calmly make it clear that they chose to be selfish rather than supportive when you were going through a rough time. I personally would choose to end the relationship as they are far more focused on their own needs than anyone else and I couldn't live with someone like that but that ultimately needs to be a decision that is right for you.

In the interim while you are dealing with your stuff I would remember that you are not dependant on their decisions. It's irrelevant if they want to make contact or choose to come back , if they tried i would be calm and clear and say that just as they had chosen to leave you needed more time to deal with your own issues and you aren't ready. It's not remotely about tit for tat but you have found it easier them being gone so there is no reason you have to change that if they decide differently.

Take the space, keep it going for as long as you need to think things through and then make a decision. Personally i could not forgive the selfishness while you were going through a tough time but you have to make that decision yourself.