DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

She needs to apply for UC herself ( not anyone else)
The DWP/job centre send a letter confirming the response

You are far more patient than I would have been

I would pack her things up and clear out 'her' room just in case they try and come back. You sound lovely OP, you definitely need some space from them. Enjoy your night

The only reason I can see why your DP's daughter wouldn't qualify for Universal Credit would be that she's unwilling to look for work. Or if she is genuinely not well enough to work, she needs to convince the DWP of that via medical assessment She should not be living on you and it sounds like you are well rid of the pair of them.

You are relieved to have your home to yourself again. Remember that feeling.

OP,
Great advice.
You have a lot going on.
This is a gift.
He needs to focus on HIS daughter.

You have done too much and boy have they lapped it up, and then turned on you when you might have needed some support.

Believe what they have shown you.

Rather than reacting to his attempt to make you feel bad, take a deep breath into your lungs and absorb your unexpected freedom.

At the very, very least, insist on a break.
Try life without having to be supportive.

Enjoy the peace of your house.
Focus on the next chapter that you are planning.

Reflect on do you really wish to be a long term support to his daughter?

Don't you have enough with your own children?

Amen to backing away from being this man and his daughter's saviour.

It's such a thankless position to fill.

Take a real break for yourself, from this dynamic... and accept the gift you have been given.

I’ve not tried to parent her because she’s an adult.

You were helping her with her cv (did you have to I initiate the CV work too?), You were forwarding job opportunities to her ; which she should have been looking for/signed up for herself) etc etc.

That's no criticism of you, you are clearly too nice/supportive .. just that you have been doing too much. You have your own work, two kids to raise, a house to renovate (?) for sale etc etc. - you shouldn't have to be accommodating and chivvying someone else's young adult child as well. She and her parents should be doing it, you shouldn't have to compensate for him and his ex, whether it's housing or "encouragement" to get work.

@namechange5575

For me the key thing that sticks out, beyond all the other very reasonable observations, is that he can't tell the difference between you feeling low and troubled and needing some support; and you being unreasonable and 'creating an atmosphere'. They both make him feel bad, and he can't cope with the situation. He can only manage being in a relationship with you when you are upbeat and helping him. Despite all your support and thoughtfulness for him and his daughter, he is unable to reciprocate. Don't let it all be one way. Unfortunately he is a drain on your emotional resources.

This!

Sorry, I only read the opening post. Ffs, be glad they're gone! Change the locks and put their stuff in bin bags by the gate. Enough is enough! Do not apologise!

Reading between the lines op, you're relatively recently widowed and your kids are likewise relatively recently bereaved. Is that right?

That is a huge amount to deal with, for you and your children. Emotionally, practically, financially .. a huge amount.

You really really don't need to be wrapped up with this "personality disordered" man and his daughter who has so many issues. They've brought a lot of burden into your life along with any plusses, and they are acting very very poorly at the moment. Please, at the very least, don't have them living with you again. But honestly like so many others itt, I feel like you'd be better out of the relationship completely. This is always going to happen.

So she goes to live with her Dad in a small flat
Perhaps this will the the necessary motivation for her to get a job to be able to afford a bigger flat or to pay for somewhere else

I agree with previous posters have said so succinctly above.

You've your own issues to work through and have been incredibly kind, understanding and supportive of his DD. However, the idea was that she contributed and got herself together. Obviously you can't make her do that, but both she and DP need to realise that she needs to do that somewhere else and not create extra headaches for you.

I hope you can get some RL support you need.

I know it can feel.very insulting to be called vulnerable and I don't mean this as an insult at all; you are obviously very capable, but you are also inevitably vulnerable if your situation is as I've outlined above .. these are not the sort of people you need in your life. They are exploiters whether they intend to be or not.

You perhaps need to look past the long association/familiarity and take a detached, critical look at their behaviour.

Hi OP. Just to say it sounds like you've done everything you could, but there's no pleasing some people (especially some people with certain mental health issues), and it shouldn't be your cross to bear. Good luck for the future and keep looking after yourself

Nosy question: does your DP has borderline personality disorder? (the "black and white" logic made me think that)

but it’s not good for them to have people who are just going to leave like that.

Very, very true... They were supposed to be there for your kids today, and just didn't show without a word? Who does that to a 10 and 13 year old.

You are going through a tough time, been feeling low and in need of support. If he's your partner in the real sense of the word, then he should be supporting you and the children. Of course we're only being given a snapshot of your family dynamic here, but it sounds like he's very wrapped up in himself and his daughter, and honestly you only seem to fit in with that if you are fulfilling the supportive, do-it-all cheery role. Which is unfair, and NOT a healthy, balanced partnership.

I can see the daughter has some issues... I don't feel qualified to tell if the 'needs more time for self-care and can't be rushed' is part of that and needs professional help and therapy, or is taking the piss a bit...

OP, you sound really strong, sorted, considerate and lovely. I agree that them going is a gift and hope your partner continues to give you the silent treatment for long enough for you to lose patience and bin him, because he doesn't seem to appreciate you enough

Has the daughter been diagnosed with anxiety or other mental health problems? If not, she sounds plain spoiled and manipulative. Also very immature. One think you do as you grow up is learn to deal with new situations. This woman seems to rely on other people to help her avoid them. You’re doing the right thing by telling her she can’t stay any longer.

The great thing is that she's gone and you're not going to let her come back.

I think it's for the best that they have gone however it's not clear how "off" you were in the last week, you may well have made them feel extremely uncomfortable and unwelcome. That said, just to up and leave without any discussion about the reason for your lack of engagement seems extremely childish of them both. You definitely have gone above and beyond with the daughter, she sounds like a difficult person to help.

You've been too nice and accommodating if anything. Let them get on with things. Don't allow the DD back. She should be looking for a job instead of sitting around eating.

Count your lucky stars. They've both cleared off out of your house and and they did it all by themselves. Now you're free to move on, without being dragged down by freeloaders.

she said she wasn’t ready to work. I get that she doesn’t want to

@WhiteWidow001 I'm not making excuses for her, but I felt that way when my mental health was poor as a young person, and I was right even though I hadn't been 'with it' enough to get the right help from doctors, or the right benefits I was entitled to (I didn't even think of doing that, nor did my family as they probably hoped I'd snap out of it.)

She may well be unfit to work, as she's clearly not 100%. She should be applying for sickness-related benefits, after getting herself under treatment from a GP/consultant so she has evidence to support and claim she makes.

But all this she can do without living with you.

*any claim

I don't understand why your dp didn't buy a flat big enough to accommodate him and his daughter in the first place. Presumably she was visiting him regularly? It isn't your responsibility to accommodate them both.

You have undoubtedly been very kind to them op,but if the dd has been doing childcare for you, and your dp has helped massively with DIY etc, then they are not entirely the freeloaders that other posters have called them on here.

As a parent of a teen, I have a bit of a different perspective on this. Yes, most twenty year olds would love to live in a flat on their own but it sounds as if she has had a tough childhood with an abusive and difficult mother and her childhood (parents divorce etc) hasn't been one that has given her sufficient stability, self confidence and inner security, hence her "failure to launch" fear of the dark , of taxis, and living alone, and the emphasis on your home being her safe space:

"pretty much as soon as she came here she was talking about how she lived here now, and that this was her home and her safe space".

I felt rather sorry for her reading that.

Yes she may be lazy and entitled like a lot of teenagers and young adults but imho the period of life from finishing college or university to finding your first proper job is much more testing than adolescence. The stakes are real. You need to find out who you are, leave home, find your first job and get used to working and being independent. Some teens get "stuck" at this point and retreat under the duvet. Especially those whose childhood's have been less than optimum.

Until you have teens yourself, you don't realise how "young" 20 yr olds really are, especially nowadays with extended education and virtually every human transaction/interaction being able to be carried out on-line.

None of this is your problem though op. You have already done plenty to try to help. And your dp should have made it clear to his DD that your home was a temporary pit-stop.

It's just sad that your dp, having a personality disorder himself, may not be very well equipped to help his own daughter, as he should, but if my teen was displaying similar fears and traits to his, then I would be finding her some therapy, and insisting she did some sort of activity outside of the house, and maybe encouraging exercise or similar to combat her binge eating tendencies. She needs to have her self confidence restored.

You may well have helped them face their own responsibilities by allowing them to leave op. I do hope your dp's daughter is ok though. She sounds very depressed and anxious to me.

If you are recently widowed then the absolute last thing you need is to be emotional support to others.

I also agree with the arrangement for today, a rare nice outing for you, and those two happily let you down.

Users.

Believe what they have shown themselves to be.
Users.

You deserve so much better.

Op I've just read your update about her refusing to find a job that she is qualified for, and then refusing to find accommodation because she doesn't know where her job will be located, which does change things. Of course she needs to find a job and it would probably help her self confidence enormously to do so.

they both sound entitled how dare they say its because of you after everything youve done

dont let them walk back in like nothings happened-shes his daughter he can house her