DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

If his place is too small and he wants to support her, he needs to get a bigger place. What would he have done if you hadn’t offered?

Not your problem any more. Let them go off and do their thing, life’s too short for all that drama.

Be relieved. Don’t let them back. It’s not you, it’s them!

What stuck out to me is that op was actually v amenable and understanding so long the daughter fulfilled her end of the bargain. She moved in and didnt pull her weight, i suspect even if job hunting and a flat didnt materialise if she was actually helping out op would have given her more time.
So yeah its the dad that should have been monitoring and motivating his daughter. 22 is young but not a teenager. Babying her doesnt help.

For me the key thing that sticks out, beyond all the other very reasonable observations, is that he can't tell the difference between you feeling low and troubled and needing some support; and you being unreasonable and 'creating an atmosphere'. They both make him feel bad, and he can't cope with the situation. He can only manage being in a relationship with you when you are upbeat and helping him. Despite all your support and thoughtfulness for him and his daughter, he is unable to reciprocate. Don't let it all be one way. Unfortunately he is a drain on your emotional resources.

If the 22 year old is not working, if they are in UK have they applied for universal credit ? Apply via www.gov.uk

They should receive some money & their National Insurance "stamp" should get paid towards their state pension & other benefits, while they are not working. Part of the deal is to apply for jobs & before Covid, sign on at the job centre once a week. They would need an address too ( doesn't mean it has to be your address)

Someone saying that they need "a year off"
is not your responsibility to support. They need to support themselves.
Looking after your children, seems an easy excuse not to work

Issues with transport, not your issue

I would move house & move along from this relationship. Put your children & yourself first

To qualify for universal credit she needs to prove she's looking for work.

She doesn't appear to be looking, in fact she has chosen to be on a gap yah which seems to mean doing nothing for a year to "recover".

Any sign of them @WhiteWidow001 ?

I think that awkward and difficult as this may currently be, I think it will save you an extremely difficult conversation/argument later when trying to ask his DD to move out (before the expensive winter) or modify habits to help you more. Or even for her to not guilt you into moving until the year she wants has passed!

During that time relations with your partner would have been fraught.

So (as I’m not emotionally involved), I think it’s good he instigated it and you didn’t have too. Difficult as it feels, regrettably you would be going through it later if not now.

They've both massively taken advantage of you. You've put up with a lot having them around and so have your kids. Put your own comfort and your kids first.

You're not obligated to have a deep and meaningful to end the relationship. You can say this no longer works and I'm not happy. That's enough.

Stop doing too much
you just attract and keep dysfunctional users
Amen to that 🙏

I would take this as s gift of an opportunity to escape this pair of users (ok, he paid for all the food and worked on your house .. but he and his DD been living there rent free, using the utilities and eating there. they'd had to have managed in his tiny place or rented it out (if he owns it) an rented somewhere else fir them both.

You've not mentioned how your kids found them living with you. It couldn't have been perfectly wonderful fir them either. At the end of the day it is two people who are not part of their original family living in their home, sharing all their spaces, and putting demands on their mum.

It seems to me that that they are both happy to live with you as long as you are your usual happy self but when you have problems they have bailed instead of supporting you. That tells you all you need to know.
I was married to a man for 20 years who was happy to live in my house with everything paid for as long as he was free to do whatever he wanted to but when I became I'll and needed his help abandoned me in hospital and pissed off.
Your partner has shown you what he is. There are no need for any apologies from you.

I’ve had people/situations like this in my life before. I’ve learned that when people leave or explode or whatever the very first time I try to put up or hold the line on a not unreasonable boundary I’m well rid.

I’ve also realised I’m kind of primed for these kinds of people through having grown up in a family where I wasn’t allowed boundaries in some ways and through being an understanding person who doesn’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable because I empathise knowing how much I hate to feel uncomfortable.

I suspect when he said shall I take dd out for the day you were meant to say no and confirm you had no boundaries. Saying yes said yes there is a limit/boundary where my need counts.

Have you ever had to set a boundary with him before? And if so how was it received?

I put up a friend and her children in my home for a month once the very first time I had to say no to her assumption that she’d go out and do her thing and I’d look after all the children she packed up all her stuff and left and never spoke to me again. That was quite the life lesson.

Oh OP, I hope you can end this and move on to something happier.

No matter how small his flat is, that's just a handy excuse. People can survive in a few rooms, whatever they might like to say to you. They just liked your house and you serving them.

Neither of them not your responsibility and it sounds like you've utterly exhausted yourself trying to understand and support them - why? You don't have to. You don't owe them anything. Yes, it's awful that people have issues (and I speak as someone with them), but no one else HAS to put up with them because of it.

Do you have anyone you can call on to help you pack up his stuff and dump it outside his flat if he doesn't pick them up this week?

If his flat is too small and his daughter is moving in, then you risk him not collecting his belongings even when you have sold your place and want it cleared.

The point I am try to make, is that if you are under the DWP/ job centre. You have someone external to your family to assist & explain about job hunting, abiding by the rules etc

It's easy to say, I will take a year off
But who is going to fund that lifestyle choice ?

The reality is take responsibility for yourself or get help

Sounds like them moving out was the right call. Make the most of the peace and quiet!

What's best for your 10 and 13 year old? It seems to me if you've all been through a traumatic time to get to this stage, and are having to move house as well, that that's really disruptive for them, let alone your partner/his daughter coming and going and stropping off.

Honestly, I'd be looking to re-establish their stable home life without this type of disruption, you say you only have them 50% of the time in the summer but presumably they are going back to school. It just doesn't sound ideal for them really with all these comings and going, I have two teens and have decided not to have a new partner living in the home ever for this reason, it's not stable enough for the existing children.

I must admit - when I got to the part where they returned from their day out and said they were leaving, I felt a pronounced sense of relief for you! Whatever happens next, I hope you won't have the adult daughter back to live with you. She's done enough taking and needs to see learn that there are limits. You sound great, and absolutely entitled to express your feelings in the way you have. I hope you make the right decision for yourself about the future of your relationship

I understand that you're relieved that he's gone for the present, but there is a feeling that you will continue to let him call the shots.

Why would you do that? Decide what you want.

It sounds as though you’re saying that because he has a personality disorder he can’t be right about anything, or have an opinion, or have valid feelings. Maybe he just fell out of love with you?

It’s sounds as though you’re glad to see the back of him and his baggage daughter, so why the issue? It’s just a parting of ways.

No sign of them, no, I’m just getting stuff ready so I can go off out which I’m really looking forward to.

He tried to motivate her and I know they had multiple difficult conversations but it ended in tears and anxiety attacks (her). It’s happened a few times. However, although I’ve set boundaries and I’ve helped with things when she’s needed it to get started, I’ve not tried to parent her because she’s an adult. I’ve stated my intention clearly which is that she can stay here temporarily while she’s sorting out her next step, but that I’d be putting the house on the market this autumn so she needed things to be sorted by then and I have no idea how quickly it will sell. My kids adore her and prefer them both to be here, they’ve known them both for many years, but it’s not good for them to have people who are just going to leave like that.

She came to stay when lockdown was starting to ease, and there have been LOADS of job offers in her chosen field. When she first came I forwarded her notices from my local community where people were asking for exactly what she does, but she said she wasn’t ready to work. I get that she doesn’t want to, and actually as an adult that’s up to her if she has enough savings to live off, but I’m not prepared to let it affect me financially which it will coming into winter.

DP tried to help her find a flat, but she refused to do that before she knows where she’s going to be working. Her reasoning is that as she doesn’t drive, she needs to live close to where she works and she doesn’t know where that will be. DP helped her do a benefits check but she doesn’t qualify. She’s made three job applications since she’s been here as far as I can tell. She says she needs time for self-care and can’t be rushed.

Sounds to me like you're well rid of the pair of them tbh OP. Your DP's DD sounds like she's got a whole host of problems, among them an eating disorder, and a huge sense of entitlement and selfishness. I would be very glad to see the back of her, as I can't see her willingly moving out without her DF to do her bidding and without the pair of them going together you'll be stuck with her at your house until you sell the place.

I think I'd just enjoy the peace and quiet, focus on your job, your DC and selling the house, and be kind to yourself. You are absolutely NOT the one to blame for this situation - in fact I'd say you've been very kind and considerate - giving your DP's DD a place to live and trying to help her sort her life out - and they've basically thrown that back in your face. I appreciate that before the DD moved in you and your DP were okay and he pulled his weight, but now that his DD would appear to be his problem and she unwilling/unable to shift for herself, you may have to accept that unless you're prepared to take her on FT your relationship may be over.

If anything the OP seems to have bent over backwards to understand and listen and excuse him @popcornlover.

If he "falls out of love" with her because she needs boundaries and she doesn't want to be a total doormat, well, that speaks volumes about how much he was just using her all along.

Your (perceived) indifference to them being gone is a breath of fresh air to read and puts you in good standing to proceed in a way that's best for you OP.

You're not pandering to his 'punishment' and that's great.

Having been in a relationship with a man who was also diagnosed with a personality disorder, it's clear to me that this is all about punishing you. He's waiting for you to contact him and apologise (which you absolutely shouldn't do)

His daughter needs to get a grip quite frankly.

I'm 26 and I have lived independently since being 17. I've been in employment for the same length of time.

Being scared to be on her own in a flat/house at her age is ridiculous, her father needs to stop enabling her otherwise this will continue into her thirties.

If she's that unable to function then she needs to seek out therapy.

it’s not good for them to have people who are just going to leave like that.

You're spot on with this.

And if they're leaving over you being a little bit less than your usual happy self, they'll leave if anything more difficult happens.

I think people who're only there when things are good and abscond at the first sign of problems are not good role models for any children. Nor is it fair on the children. Whilst your children may like them, they sound like they're draining your energy and not giving anything back in return - when you have a lot going on, I think all your energy should go to your own kids.