DP has left because he found me too awful to be around. Not sure I agree.

[WhiteWidow001]

Regular with name change - I need some collective wisdom here. I have to mention at the start that DP has a diagnosed personality disorder and partly this means he can see things in a very black and white way (people or situations are either brilliant or terrible and he can switch that perspective over minor things). What I can’t work out is whether or not this is a minor thing or if I need to do some apologising.

I live on my own in a house with two children (13 and 10). I’ve had some dramatic (and traumatic) circumstances which means I have to sell the house. It’s a big job to get it ready for market.

DP lives on his own in a very small place, only big enough for one. He basically lives at mine and has been working REALLY hard to help me get the house sorted.

DP has an adult daughter who graduated this year. There is a VERY high level of conflict between her and her mum and during Lockdown she got worryingly low about it all, so in June I offered for her to come and stay in my spare room to get a break and establish the next steps in her life (job hunt, flat hunt etc). She has a qualification in child care and wants to work in a related field, so I said that while she was here, instead of giving me money, she could contribute by doing some home-schooling and childcare (I work full time so this is a massive help). I made it clear this was not a long-term solution as I’m selling the house.

Two things have happened that have brought things to a head with me and DP. One is that, for the past week, I’ve been clearing out my house and coming across lots of reminders of the traumatic events that caused me to sell. This includes finding and binning things that belonged to people who died and who I was very close to. I’ve found this really difficult, and because I’m very much an introvert, I’ve been quiet, withdrawn, not as chirpy as usual etc. I’m sad and stressed basically.

DP’s daughter has now been here for three months and has made virtually no move to find work or another place to stay. DP really wants her to make changes but if he tries to motivate her she gets tearful. It’s been a source of conflict for them on and off since she’s been here. She says she needs a year off to recover from the relationship she had with her mum. She can’t drive and is scared of getting cabs, so if she wants to go out anywhere someone has to drive her (even if it’s just to the train station). She does keep my kids entertained but it’s mostly just been about watching box sets and playing computer games with my eldest while ignoring my youngest. Tbh I’ve been chilled about it up until the last week as it’s no real detriment to me, but her constant presence in the house is becoming grating and I feel like I’m picking up after three kids. I’ve told him I’m concerned that despite lots of help to find work/housing she’s pretty much opted out of doing it, and I can’t continue to carry her through winter here.

So these two things have combined - in the last week I’ve felt very tense due to all the work I’ve got to do in the house and the upsetting reminders. I’ve felt like just shutting myself off from everyone to get on with it. At the same time I’m trying to manage the household, work full time etc. I’ve been a bit preoccupied and definitely less sociable. Twice this week DP has asked if I want him to take his daughter out with him for the day so I can work in peace. I’ve said yes. It’s worked really well and I’ve felt much better by the evening.

The second time this happened (Wednesday), they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

I realise I’ve been less laid back and jolly this past week, but it’s not been AT anyone in particular, I just haven’t felt able to join in the fun and games, small talk, giggles and I’ve been more robust about asking people to help clear up after themselves. I think it’s normal to have days where you feel a bit shitty.

It also feels like I’ve done an awful lot to support his daughter (I took days off to help her re-do her CV, apply for jobs, help with housing etc. I even took her with me on a family holiday I’d booked). But it feels like because I’ve had a tense week, it’s been decided I’m awful and not fit to be around.

It’s fine that they’ve gone, it’s quite a relief actually, but would anyone else have been irritated by the state of affairs? DP’s response makes me wonder if I’ve been totally unreasonable and awful, but like I said, the personality disorder can make it seem that way sometimes and I need a reality check. I’m not entirely sure I want to apologise when he gets back in touch, tbh.

Just reading your updates, he told you it wasn't about splitting up that he needed space but you are now critical of him and assuming the worst - again, I think this you want to be very reasonable and laid back but you find it hard in reality. I disagree with the posters who are saying he was totally U and you were totally R, I would say it was 6 of 1 half a dozen of t'other. Do what makes you happy with the relationship, it doesn't always matter who is "right"

This is a not uncommon theme on MN, if say there's s post like this every week or two.

Women doing far too much for separated/divorced men and their children who are, to call a spade a spade, dysfunctional. And there's very often s dysfunctional ex in the picture too. They've failed/are failing at raising their children well and when an ol.gets into a relationship with them she ends up taking on more and more of the physical and mental load of the dysfunction.
Usually on too of her own kids and a full time job.

I'll get flamed but I have to say - there a reason many of these men are back out in the dating pond, there's a reason their families broke up (whether it's them, their ex or both).

Women need to a. Not out themselves under pressure to be in a relationship and see being single as a very valid and often wise choice or b. Get into a relationship that's minimal and in its box .. until it had lasted, without aggro, for s long time. All this moving men in, moving their kids in, helping them.with life stuff, subsidising them, taking on responsibilities that should be their parents. Taking on more and more load and stress, stretching themselves for their own kids, career, finances etc .

Stop doing do much.
You just attract and keep dysfunctional users.

As others are saying, I think this is a blessing in disguise for you.

I also think he's going to come back pretty quickly when he realises that life as a single dad with a needy teen (she sounds very much like a teen despite being 22) who has been pandered to isn't fun or practical in a tiny flat. I would strongly recommend putting the brakes on when he says he/ they are moving back in.

Were you able to draw boundaries with her? Did he draw boundaries with her? It sounds like she's been pandered to a lot which may or may not be understandable depending on how bad it was exactly with her mother, but it's not helping her to grow up and work towards independence which is what she should be doing now.

I totally get the not realising that it's expensive to heat a tank full of water, that's just lack of life experience, and if neither of her parents have ever said that money doesn't grow on trees and she needs to work, be independent (with appropriate support etc) then again that sounds like naievity rather than willful ignorance. I also think that whatever happened in her past she would benefit from some tough love now - no you can't freeload with no plans Nobody is your skivvy, clean up after yourself No you can't doss around for a year because that's a) unfair on OP, b) not the deal that was agreed and c) absolutely not in your best interests for recovery anyway. She sounds like she needs a job for her self esteem, learning how to function as an adult and (frankly) to stop her swamping because if she has one year off I'd bet my bottom dollar that at the end of a year it'll be "oh I'm not ready yet" or "I'm traumatised by something else, I need more time."

I’d created an atmosphere

They both can't see that they contributed to the atmosphere in the house, and this is now evident at the relief you feel and surprise surprise the atmosphere has gone

I am so glad they've gone, you sound lovely and it's not you at all.

So, you're expected to be kind and help your DP with his personality issues and his daughter's problems, but when you're stressed and obviously feeling deep grief for the people who have died - you're not allowed to be a bit withdrawn and down? You're not allowed to have problems like them? And they're not going to help you when you do (like you've done for them)? They're going to throw a tantrum because their support human is malfunctioning?

Your P taking his DD out for a day was supportive because it suggests he actually thought about you but saying they're 'walking on eggshells' because you're dealing with some difficult things is not. You are allowed to feel down and have problems too. They are making clear that this is not acceptable to them and they don't actually really care about you and how you're feeling much at all - it's all secondary to what you can do for them.

I think it's good they've gone. Keep it that way.

and her employment prospects after a year off for no reason (or even for good mental health reasons) will tank. She needs to stay in work, even if it's in part time and not-career-related work.

I don't know whether this approach so many women have to relationships (seems to be all about supporting and giving and accommodating and understanding) is nature, nurture or both; but its not doing them any favours.

I think you've done jolly well, WhiteWidow, be glad they have both gone and you can breathe easy again. Don't let them back!

I agree with your idea of giving him no more headspace. You have enough mental load right now. Don't think about them. Hope you have a lovely day out.

The arrangement wasn't working for any of you anymore. I don't think this needs to be a cause of great angst. You wanted his DD to move out and she has done.
Perhaps the only way for your DP to motivate her was to be negative about living with you. People can be draining. You've found his DD to be so. They're currently finding you to be so. Try not to be so emotional about it and look at the practicalities. This leaves you in a much better place to finish organising the house without feeling his DD isn't contributing, etc.

I suppose another way to think about it is this: do you think their care and concern for you equals yours for them? If not, why not?

Have they even asked why you've been a bit down and withdrawn? Or why you might need some space and time on your own? Have they shown any interest in your recent behaviour other than in how it inconveniences / upsets them?

@QuacksInTheDark

So you’ve supported him with his mental health and you’ve supported her with housing and now you need support they’ve thrown a strop and stormed off? Bullet dodged. Block their numbers and don’t give them a second thought past the fact they’re both nobbers.

this....you've been patient and done all you can. Don't give any more time to people who dont enrich your life. Focus on your needs and yourr own children because they will begin to notice and DP's daughter behaviour is a bad example to them.

@GilbertMarkham You won't be flamed by me. I'm a single parent and I have been for about 13 years. Life has been challenging enough, getting back in to the job market, getting job security, dealing with all of the issues that came with parenting, the right schools, speech therapy, educational reports, just keeping up with dentists and trying to have something resembling free time and a social life as well as keeping the house tidy and the laundry done and the fridge full. I couldn't bring a man in to that and I don't want to. The thoughts fill me with horror. HOw can people want to make their lives more complicated! It is the pressure to be no longer single! I can only hope that people don't pity me for being single (long term) because I'm beginning to feel very free compared to so many women. Kids still teens yes and so the job is far from done, but omg, taking on somebody else's responsibilities as well?!!?!? No.

I do absolutely agree I should chalk it down to experience. I was clear at the outset that I was making an offer for her to temporarily stay here in order for her to find a job and another house, and that while she was here she’d contribute by looking after the children. She said that she wanted to do all these things like learn to drive, find a job, get more healthy, but that she couldn’t because her mum undermined her attempts, so I said she could do it from here. We’ve both had conversations with her over the months about the fact that this can’t go on and she needs to take some action, but she’s determined to take what she calls a gap year to recover. There was definitely an atmosphere her during the last week as I was really struggling. The reason I’ve got irritated is not because she’s here, as such, but because she’s still here while making no real attempts to fulfil her side of the bargain. If she’d looked after the children while I worked and sorted the house it would have been a massive help, but it’s ended up more like having three children. I wrongly was thinking about what I was like at 22, but of course not everyone’s the same.

About the binge eating - she’s not throwing up afterwards no, but it’s not just about overeating at meals.

I think you were very kind and lovely.
The dp needs to step up for his daughter who is resisting finding a place or job because she doesbt want to be alone. I hope shes getting counselling. Her dad needs to support her really.

She might well need a year to recover but thats not your role its your dp who should nurse her. You were very generous.

That sounds really hard. At 22 I was a wreck on the inside but I would have been trying to EARN my keep in somebody else's home. That's not necessarily a healthy mindset either but I wouldn't have felt I deserved a roof so I would have been doing the housework and some childcare to EARN my keep, so it sounds to me (and you sound similar) that she did just feel entitled to move in with you.

Op

I think you're well rid of the daughter. Under no circumstances let her back in as you will never be shot of her.
I'm cutting your dp some slack because of his mental health issues..

they returned from their day out to say they were both leaving as I’d created an atmosphere and they don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I’ve not heard from either of them since.

You’ve dodged a bullet, OP. I’m sorry you're having a hard time at present. But you’ll be better off without these two.

Even if we were to "blame" his ex for the way his DD is (and go so far as to say that he has to separate from the ex because of her personality/behaviour), it still can't be said that he's not responsible; because he could have and should have (!) checked his dad's behaviour while in your home. He should have been on top of her pushing for CV creation, job hunting, communicating the downsides of a year out etc. He should have been getting her help for her issues, he should have been watching if she helped with the work in hosting her friend and made sure she contributed ... Bit it doesn't sound like he's actively on top of any if that. So he's as much to blame for his dad's dysfunction as her mother. He's most likely played a part in forming how she is.

His behaviour now - leaving and blaming you for creating an atmosphere (the irony!) totally reinforced that .. that he's not parenting her well and that he's an author of this situation as much as her mother. Unreasonable, no responsibility taken, flouncing off, not contacting you re plans for his DD to look after your kids - which is letting you down.

And you say he has a personality disorder, he's not good relationship material.

It is quite common for children of people with personality disorders to develop personality disorders or traits. (Eating issues can be one, as personality disorders can effect impulse control.)

The child may have a hereditary tendency, this is the behaviour they've seen from a parent so they learn it, and also they suffer trauma as a result of having a personality disordered parent.

I think you're well shot of both of them.

You've supported them a lot and it should cut both ways, but they haven't shown the same level of emotional support for you.

And it's solved the problem of not having to have her staying at yours.

I think you might be better to not have anything to do with them anymore.

There are plenty of men without a personality disorder that you can go out with.

I'd enjoy the peace and wait for him to contact you. It'snotyou.

Absolutely this. As people are saying, this is a gift. I would maintain radio silence, and I don't think that can't be done for more than a day or two as you said. It can. And sends a message.

You have been very generous in hosting his daughter. Obviously with lockdown, things have been difficult to find jobs etc.

However, maybe you need to give the daughter notice. Explain it was a short -term option and now you need the place to yourselves.

I agree, she has been treated a bit like. A princess and been a little spoilt.

It was also too much to move his DD into your home, even temporarily (and we know how temporary often goes) and he should have known that. He knows her issues. He should have made alternative arrangements, like rent out his own place and try to rent something a bit bigger they could both stay in instead of using his gf to "solve" his problem - and then not even taking responsibility when the issues inevitably cause stress.

Just be relieved to be out of it.

Don't take him back, block everywhere, and hopefully he'll find a new victim and leave you alone.