Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

The times I've had zero interest is when I've felt like I'm being talked at, people who feel the need to point out my accent or other obvious differences repeatedly, or am just really tired/achey/foggy. I don't tend to avoid other parents, I actually quite like a conversation, I just struggle to initiate or maintain them at times. I struggle more if talked at and not given time to think before responding, which is my impression of blustery, but I'm not entirely sure what that word means when it's applied to people (or what it would have to do with having three kids. I have four).

If my eyes dart around, I'm probably more watching my kids or dealing with chronic pain/looking for the least awkward place to lean against or sit than an exit. At the pickup for any of my kids' activities, I'm the one sitting or leaning quietly to one side. There is I think an xkcd shirt that says something like 'Just shy Not anti-social you can talk to me' that my spouse has joked I should get, (might consider a button version) though I view myself less as shy, more that it's ingrained in me not to risk bothering others, at least in person. Online, I clearly babble more.

I just don’t find it a hardship to be nice and inclusive to people because I’m not a massive arsehole.

This is unnecessarily nasty. Many quiet people are not arseholes, many busy people are not arseholes either.

Maybe some people just want to pick up their kids quickly and quietly.

I just don’t find it a hardship to be nice and inclusive to people because I’m not a massive arsehole.

Why can’t you accept that some people don’t need to pick up friends in the park?

I'm not interested. I drop my kids off and pick them up, I'll say hello and be friendly if anyone talks to me, but I won't go beyond that. I was good friends with a mum until recently until she became closer group of mums who I think don't like me even though I've never talked to them, and made a big show of ignoring me on the playground and going over to them, but wanted me when they weren't there. So I've decided I'm too old for all this and haven't got time for drama.

It’s a sad world we live in where being nice to someone for a few minutes in a playground equates to being “emotionally manipulated into performing friendship”.

Seems like there’s some comprehension skills lacking here... I made clear in my original post that I was referring to the post accusing anyone who’s too busy to befriend strangers of being “xenophobic”, that they must be “Royston Valley” types who have never left their street and refuse to befriend anyone not from their town, and implying that denying strangers your friendship is somehow unfair and bigoted.

Calling someone a bigot for choosing who to have relationships (whether romantic or platonic) with is Incel 101.

This thread is so funny.

I don't have kids but if I did I know I'd be the mum that DOES NOT want to talk at the school gates. Can't think of anything worse.

I'm an antisocial person anyway with neighbours etc. I work in sales so am very able to get along with people but I think because my job involves it so much I just Cba to strike up any kind of talk outside of this. Lol

I'm not terrifically "happy" to feel overstretched, but there is no wiggle room for me to drop my commitments or magically shorten my commute etc, and unlike you, i presume, the things I like to do to relax in my downtime tend to be solitary, like reading or swimming (and no, I don't particularly want to go swimming with company). Socialising with strangers just does not appear on my personal list of relaxing activities.

Also, it's a big difference between polite and pleasant to someone and making an effort to further the friendship. I would never be rude or unpleasant towards someone making overtures of friendship, but I would shy away from committing time to developing it because it stresses me out to feel like yet another person is going to need my time and attention, and feeling guilty about that.

Also, it's a big difference between polite and pleasant to someone and making an effort to further the friendship.

THIS exactly.

If you have time to go for walks in the park and meet up for coffee or go to the pub, you clearly don’t have a very busy life. That’s not a bad thing, but don’t judge people who have different lives or careers or different family obligations.

@BiBabbles do they do one that says 'Just antisocial not shy'?! If so I could do with that one...🤣

I hasten to add, I am perfectly polite and pleasant if spoken to, but I do tend to subtly avoid engaging with people in the school run!

It’s not quite the same situation but I don’t want my children to feel bad about being social, which is what can happen sometimes. We were in the play area of a museum (me, DS who was 4, and DD, who was about 1). Two sisters of about 5/6 were there, and DS walked up calmly and said ‘hello!’ That’s it, he didn’t barge in or take over, just said hello. The girls just stood and stared at him until he moved away and he looked totally bewildered and sad, and came back over. When he was back with me, they continued playing. Their parents just stared at me. It was so odd and rude and strange - no, he’s not entitled to play with them, or to their time, but to stand and make a little boy feel awkward for being social in a shared play space was very sad.

SilverOtter There are days when I could use that one too! Different buttons for different days could be useful, mark the level of social capacity for the day. My apparently intimidating resting face and more obvious disabilities tends to be the job for me most days.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie I think part of the issue is that being friendly and making friends one wants to have long conversations with regularly - like every day of the school run - are different things. One can be momentary, the other takes a time and emotional commitment.

The idea that someone who feels overstretched must be so because of choices outside of work and caring and going on about very easy it is to do otherwise feels dismissive when it's quite possible to feel overstretched just with those or less. I could say no to everything beyond existing and with my disabilities, I'd still end up tired, achey, and at times overstretched. It's why I mainly socialize online even when I tire of looking at white-grey walls. It suits my temperment and need for breaks.

@HashtagSoup

It’s not quite the same situation but I don’t want my children to feel bad about being social, which is what can happen sometimes. We were in the play area of a museum (me, DS who was 4, and DD, who was about 1). Two sisters of about 5/6 were there, and DS walked up calmly and said ‘hello!’ That’s it, he didn’t barge in or take over, just said hello. The girls just stood and stared at him until he moved away and he looked totally bewildered and sad, and came back over. When he was back with me, they continued playing. Their parents just stared at me. It was so odd and rude and strange - no, he’s not entitled to play with them, or to their time, but to stand and make a little boy feel awkward for being social in a shared play space was very sad.

I know he wanted to play, but at what age would we get a kid to stop doing this?

Because on the adult gym equipment it'd be really weird if an adult stranger went up to two friends and said 'hello'.

So at some point this does need to be learnt?

I find this genuinely tricky because we do ask kids to play with everyone while adults are allowed to.choose.

@HashtagSoup

It’s not quite the same situation but I don’t want my children to feel bad about being social, which is what can happen sometimes. We were in the play area of a museum (me, DS who was 4, and DD, who was about 1). Two sisters of about 5/6 were there, and DS walked up calmly and said ‘hello!’ That’s it, he didn’t barge in or take over, just said hello. The girls just stood and stared at him until he moved away and he looked totally bewildered and sad, and came back over. When he was back with me, they continued playing. Their parents just stared at me. It was so odd and rude and strange - no, he’s not entitled to play with them, or to their time, but to stand and make a little boy feel awkward for being social in a shared play space was very sad.

The only thing I’d say about this is we can’t hold children to the exact same standards as adults. They haven’t yet learned all there is to know about polite interaction with strangers!

That being said my kids always pick up extra children in soft plays and playgrounds so I know they’d have chatted and played!

I have no interest in the school mums, I keep my headphones in and stay away!

I have one mum friend but her daughter is in a different year to my son and I'm only really frie ds with her because we worked together for a while and we formed a friendship. Luckily for me I dont have to deal with it much as I drop off to breakfast club and pick up from after school club and I'm always in a rush because if work.
If there is anything we HAVE to do I usually get ds dad to do it lol.

I started to chat to one mum but she was unbearable with her constant bitching about her 'friend's and fellow playground mum...I stopped speaking to her and i get evil eyes from the both everytime I see them.....if only she knew.

But this is an exact example of why I dont even bother, I'm in and out and headphones in my ears....bliss!

When your children started school, did you send them off with a wave and the advice "Don't worry about making friends with any of these children. They just happen to have been born in the same year as you"?

Because on the adult gym equipment it'd be really weird if an adult stranger went up to two friends and said 'hello'

Would it? What if the person wanted help or advice? I approached two mums in the park recently to ask if they knew where a bin was, they told me, I thanked them and went to find it. I acknowledged DS wasn’t entitled to play with them, I didn’t expect him to be running round playing with them, but to stare at and ignore someone entirely until they have moved away looking sad was incredibly rude. If my DC had done that I’d have told them it was rude. It was both the parents staring at me as well that was weird to be honest, who goes to a public area and acts like that?

But they were only 5/6! I’d cut them some slack to be honest.

The parents were staring at you. Were you looking at them to see them staring? Cause you were probably all acting a bit mad! 😂😂

@unoeufisunoeuf1 I am adult I don’t need to make school friends I’m not at school

My children,are at primary they are immersed in it. They make friends as it’s their day to day . My observation is too many adult parents are overinvested in their own school friendship

Work is my day to day, Not school

But they’re not school friends Sentient, they’re other adults! Anyway, I’ve made some nice “Mum” friends over the years. We met through our children’s school/activities, but we continue to be friends years later.

No, I told them not too make any friends at all because we are already too busy

@ChanceEncounter

No, I told them not too make any friends at all because we are already too busy

@HashtagSoup DS walked up calmly and said ‘hello!’ That’s it, he didn’t barge in or take over, just said hello. The girls just stood and stared at him until he moved away and he looked totally bewildered and sad, and came back over. When he was back with me, they continued playing.

I wouldn't worry about your DS (who sounds like a lovely little boy). He is learning one of the first rules of friendship - not everyone will want to be your friend but you will never know unless you have the confidence to try. Keep encouraging him to be friendly and to learn to take brush-offs gracefully and he will go far (and make many good friends)!!!

@OhCaptain

But they were only 5/6! I’d cut them some slack to be honest.

The parents were staring at you. Were you looking at them to see them staring? Cause you were probably all acting a bit mad! 😂😂

Totally mad of me to expect my child not to be stared at for entering a play area and uttering one word. I was watching DS, their kids were watching DS and the parents were watching me. It was a small area and you can feel people staring at you when they’re staring at you.

It was unusual so I remember it. I’ve had countless other normal, friendly, social interactions in places like that.