Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

you can cut back on things you feel take too much time rather than stop them completely. Prioritising time for yourself to relax is important. It really is very easy to just say no to things outside of work that you don’t want to do

Guess what I cut back on, without guilt - it's socialising in situation I find stressful, such as the schoolgate. I prioritise friends I already have. If you find socialising with new people relaxing then more power to your elbow, but it doesn't do it for me.

Did you actually read what I put? Commitments OUTSIDE of work and caring. I also have lots of friends I see regularly but when my dogs ran over to a woman sitting reading in the park, we got chatting and she told me she’d just moved here from Ireland, didn’t know many people and asked for my number so we could go for a drink I was hardly going to say “no I’ve got enough friends thanks” was I? There’s always room in my life for new nice people. Making friends really isn’t as time consuming as people make out, how much does it take to send a few texts even if you can’t regularly meet up?

Not read replies but if you want to gain some mum friends maybe invite them for a coffee when you arrange a playdate with the kids and get to know them that way? (Obviously when it is safe to do so)

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie

Did you actually read what I put? Commitments OUTSIDE of work and caring. I also have lots of friends I see regularly but when my dogs ran over to a woman sitting reading in the park, we got chatting and she told me she’d just moved here from Ireland, didn’t know many people and asked for my number so we could go for a drink I was hardly going to say “no I’ve got enough friends thanks” was I? There’s always room in my life for new nice people. Making friends really isn’t as time consuming as people make out, how much does it take to send a few texts even if you can’t regularly meet up?

You sound lovely

I was hardly going to say “no I’ve got enough friends thanks” was I

Well good for you. But not everyone feels comfortable giving out their number to a complete stranger- I would not do that. That doesnt make me weird or odd, just like it doesnt make you weird or odd for doing that.

Just because people have different comfort levels to you doesnt make them "wrong" and not everyone finds the same things enjoyable that you do. Ive noticed this attitude a lot on MN- people seem absolutely baffled that people might be different to them and find different things relaxing.
Doing what you did wouldnt be "relaxing" to me. Its great you enjoyed it but others wouldnt.

I find Mum friendships flakey, not real and boring. I want to have a laugh with people who have similar interests to me. Who are you outside of kids? I’m massively into fitness so I like talking to those kind of people. If someone targets me who can only talk about boring kid stuff then I zone out. I want fun chats with fun people.

I like hanging out with quite a few of the school mum's, they're all interesting and nice. I don't rely on them as my 'main' friends but I do appreciate them.
There is one I prefer not to spend time with, because she is an irritating combo of patronising and needy plus used me for free childcare for years. I still talk to her but perhaps she does see my eyes glaze over!

@meadowmom

I find Mum friendships flakey, not real and boring. I want to have a laugh with people who have similar interests to me. Who are you outside of kids? I’m massively into fitness so I like talking to those kind of people. If someone targets me who can only talk about boring kid stuff then I zone out. I want fun chats with fun people.

Another example of different strokes! I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than listen to fitness fanatics. BUT surely you don’t know that none of the school mums would be as interested in it as you?

I find Mum friendships flakey, not real and boring.

I think you've invented some artificial concept in order to sneer at it. Parents are just other people who happen to have children. It's not like the people you encounter at the school gate have switched species or anything. They're just as likely to be tiresome fitness fanatics as the rest of the population, for instance.

@Needtogetbackinthesack

Most of the mums at my school seem perfectly nice but I have no interest in chatting to them.

I'm a loud, opinionated single mum who doesn't really deal with small talk. I like political debate and mums who seem like they won't judge if I rock up late because all the mums stopped for a bottle of prosecco mid afternoon and drop the F bomb. My kids are feral but I also completely judge people who don't have a strict bedtime routine and a policy on E numbers. I'm also really busy and don't want to waste precious time with people I don't love because I'd rather spend it on my kids or my close friends/partner.

I'm a very acquired taste, I know a lot of people don't like my type so I tend to stick to my group so I can't offend anyone and don't have to watch my tongue. 'Nice' people who embrace motherhood and join PTAs aren't my tribe. They probably are grateful of that fact and wouldn't want to be in my tribe.

It's just horses for courses. Don't be offended by it, your tribe will be out there somewhere and they will love you and be the ones leaving other conversations to talk to you!

Post of the day.

What on earth is a ‘mum friendship?’ I had a quick conversation with two mums this morning as we were waiting. We had a brief ‘hi how are you?’ and then moved onto other stuff - one is moving house, one is going back into work for the first time this week. General, pleasant conversation you’d have with anyone - colleague, neighbour, family member. Kids went in, we said bye, and moved on. I literally can’t understand why this sort of thing is such a huge deal for people

Any way, there's a pandemic on. No one can stand within 2m of another parent whilst waiting to collect their consternation so no one can make new friends!

I miss our after drop off charts, seeing each others little children Inc the new babies, discussing our relationships and the funny things or kids have done, work, the world, having lunch together or just catching up with reach others lives. It's a showed hi, a socially distanced peak at the new babies and away

@OhCaptain

Great turn of phrase👍🤣

I'd talk to you, OP. I don't have family or old friends locally so certainly don't already have enough friends. I don't look for a 'type', I will talk to anyone really. But if I sense sneering, bitchiness or unkindness I would shy away.

I take it you're frustrated to hear others moaning about their kids. Some people will discuss things in a certain way you don't like, but it doesn't mean you won't get on if you talk about other stuff instead.

Smile and be friendly to everyone without being overwhelming if possible. If you seemed a bit blustery I'd probably think you were busy, a little flustered like we all are sometimes, and genuine and normal rather than serene and improbable.

[quote billy1966]@OhCaptain

Great turn of phrase👍🤣[/quote]
Agree, I lol'd at that

Some people’s reluctance to make “Mum” friends makes me sad as o wouldn’t have many local friends at all if I hadn’t met them through my children’s activities! We moved to a new city and I knew no one at all so I’ve had to make an entirely new set of friends. My workplace is small so I’ve only made three friends there ( including one former colleague); I’ve made a couple of friends through taking classes and volunteering; some of my neighbors have become friends; my children’s sports clubs and yes, the dreaded chats at school pickup have resulted in several friendships.🤣. In fact, my best friend in this area is a Mum friend.

I’d be pretty lonely without my Mum friends as all my family/uni/old friends are far away.

I’ve seen a few threads on here where people have been disheartened or sad that no one at school has been friendly, and often there’s a very hostile ‘tough OP, I’ve got enough friends, I wouldn’t talk to you, you sound hard work, I’ve got no time, etc etc etc.’ It’s so weird! It’s not like these people who post want to be your best friend, they understand friendship groups might be long-established, but they maybe feel isolated, or are new to the area, and want a bit of human interaction. I’m not from the area my DC attend school in (plus my DS joined Reception 5 weeks late as he briefly attended a different school) - it can hard when you see many of the other parents chatting and laughing and you’re on your own. I’ve been lucky in that the parents at my DC school are always friendly and happy to chat/smile/wave.

@HashtagSoup. I agree absolutely. People have 'layers' of friends - long-term close friends they've known for ages (group 1), those they make the effort to meet regularly with (group 2) and friendly acquaintances they'll chat to when they see them (group 3). I don't meet people thinking we'll be best friends for life (that would definitely send them running in the other direction ). But I'd always try to be friendly (group 3) and then if we mutually hit it off they might slowly move to group 2.

Completely ignoring someone who looks left out and lonely is just rude, btw... We don't tolerate that behaviour from our children and we shouldn't tolerate it from ourselves either.

I don't understand this MN obsession with not making friends, in particular with school mums and people from work.

I have three kids, 28, 20 and 13, and I have formed close friendships with parents of friends of all three. Just as in any other walk of life, you're going to meet people that you click with and those that you don't, but how will you know if you resolutely refuse to give anyone a chance?

@LouLouLouL the key is to chill - invite a classmate round for play, chat casually to the parent on pick up, but don't come across as needy. Eventually, you'll meet a parent you click with, it might take a while but it will happen.

I’ve made a few new friends over lockdown simply by chatting to people in the park and we now go to the pub sometimes. You never know who you might meet. Plus, everyone complaining of being too busy, you do realise you don’t HAVE to be busy all the time beyond work and children/caring? If you’re doing tons of other stuff like extra curricular activities, visiting family every single weekend etc and feel overstretched, you can just... not

Why do you assume that everyone’s who’s “busy” is busy with extra-curricular stuff they’d rather not do?

Work and seeing my beloved old friends takes up almost 100% of my time, as my career isn’t a 9-5 one. My few “extra curriculars” are things I’m extremely passionate about and rely on to keep me sane. There is no space to be less busy unless I actively sacrifice the things in life I am the most passionate about. Why should I sacrifice my loved ones to make time to be bored rigid in some ghastly pub with a near stranger?

Obviously your life is very different from some other posters and it sounds like your life isn’t that busy. If meeting new people brings you joy, good for you. Why should other people not be allowed to make different choices?

@rainwaterflow

I’ve made a few new friends over lockdown simply by chatting to people in the park and we now go to the pub sometimes. You never know who you might meet. Plus, everyone complaining of being too busy, you do realise you don’t HAVE to be busy all the time beyond work and children/caring? If you’re doing tons of other stuff like extra curricular activities, visiting family every single weekend etc and feel overstretched, you can just... not

Why do you assume that everyone’s who’s “busy” is busy with extra-curricular stuff they’d rather not do?

Work and seeing my beloved old friends takes up almost 100% of my time, as my career isn’t a 9-5 one. My few “extra curriculars” are things I’m extremely passionate about and rely on to keep me sane. There is no space to be less busy unless I actively sacrifice the things in life I am the most passionate about. Why should I sacrifice my loved ones to make time to be bored rigid in some ghastly pub with a near stranger?

Obviously your life is very different from some other posters and it sounds like your life isn’t that busy. If meeting new people brings you joy, good for you. Why should other people not be allowed to make different choices?

I agree. This is my life exactly.

I dont do any "extra curricular actives" at all! My life is busy with a full time job, my kids/family and my long standing friends. The idea of wandering round the park picking up strangers to be friends with sounds like utter hell to me. I'd far rather meet up and catch up with one of my actual long standing beloved friends!

Who are these people who decide they have to put a cap on the number of friends they have? Are they people who live a couple of streets away from where they grew up and already have lots of local friends and family? What about people who are new to the area? How do they make new friends if the local people will only make friends with other local people? Sounds a bit Royston Vasey and xenophobic to me.

The whole “other people are obligated to provide me with companionship regardless of their own feelings or comfort level” sounds super incel.

Women are not obligated to serve “friendship” up on a platter.

Suggesting that wanting consent over your own relationships is “xenophobic” is just appallingly manipulative and it reminds me of TRA tactics claiming lesbians who don’t like cock are transphobes.

I have nine extremely close friends who I talk to every day, and probably two dozen other friends who I see more sporadically. I’ve lived in something like six different countries so certainly not the “Royston Valley” persona you’re inventing. If I got to know someone I really liked then of course I’d be open to pursuing the friendship more, but it’s a struggle to make time for the close friends I already have. There just would be no point in trying to get to know women I barely come into contact with on the offchance we might really hit it off and I’m not going to be emotionally manipulated into performing friendship.

Seems like there’s some comprehension skills lacking here... I made clear in my original post that I was referring to people who feel overstretched, suggesting they’re more busy than they’d like to be. If you’re happy with how busy you are in your life then great! I have many long standing friends I see but I don’t believe anyone is too busy to be polite and pleasant to someone even if you don’t end up chatting for hours. And quite how getting chatting to someone while walking my dogs (which I also explained upthread) has turned into cruising the park dragging strangers to the pub I’m not sure

@rainwaterflow

Who are these people who decide they have to put a cap on the number of friends they have? Are they people who live a couple of streets away from where they grew up and already have lots of local friends and family? What about people who are new to the area? How do they make new friends if the local people will only make friends with other local people? Sounds a bit Royston Vasey and xenophobic to me.

The whole “other people are obligated to provide me with companionship regardless of their own feelings or comfort level” sounds super incel.

Women are not obligated to serve “friendship” up on a platter.

Suggesting that wanting consent over your own relationships is “xenophobic” is just appallingly manipulative and it reminds me of TRA tactics claiming lesbians who don’t like cock are transphobes.

I have nine extremely close friends who I talk to every day, and probably two dozen other friends who I see more sporadically. I’ve lived in something like six different countries so certainly not the “Royston Valley” persona you’re inventing. If I got to know someone I really liked then of course I’d be open to pursuing the friendship more, but it’s a struggle to make time for the close friends I already have. There just would be no point in trying to get to know women I barely come into contact with on the offchance we might really hit it off and I’m not going to be emotionally manipulated into performing friendship.

Jesus. It’s a sad world we live in where being nice to someone for a few minutes in a playground equates to being “emotionally manipulated into performing friendship”. I don’t feel obliged to befriend anyone nor do I think this is anything to do with women or female socialisation, I just don’t find it a hardship to be nice and inclusive to people because I’m not a massive arsehole.

Your comment was specifically about people saying they are too busy for new friends - eg
“There’s always room in my life for new nice people.”

If someone is “overstretched” then how is taking on social responsibilities for more people - people they don’t even know - the answer?