Why do you avoid that other mum?

[LouLouLouL]

I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school.

The other mums seem nice enough but as I approach I almost feel like they’re bracing themselves. We’ll have a brief chat about nothing much and their eyes will be looking for the escape route.

Ah! Another mum who they’ll need to chat to and off they go. Sometimes letting me tag along but then they have this wonderfully long and fluid conversation, also about nothing much.

I think I’m blustery (because I have three young children) but happy go lucky. I like being a mum and enjoy my children. Don’t chat about my kids or parenting too much though.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to like being a mum less and resent my children more to be more relatable.

Is there a mum that you think seems perfectly nice and receptive but you just have zero interest in chatting to her?

Hahaha this reminds me myself.
When my child started Reception 5 years ago I was desperate to make friends with the mums.
I am not British but living in the UK more than 20 years.
I was standing by the gates and was smiling on everyone, god my nought hurtled so much from all those smiles.
Sadly all those mums were already mates from Nursery ( my child went into different nursery I did not I know anyone)
I remember there was this very loud woman aka Queen Bee who had a circle of her mates buzzing around her.
She completely ignored me but I though I HAVE to approach her in order to make friends.
I approached one morning on bus where she was struggling with a pushchair, I run to her from my seat at the back of the bus to help her, only for her to hiss on me abruptly: I’m ok thanks!
I felt so rejected. Omg what Desperado I was!
I can only now laugh when I’m even thinking about it!
Luckily my child moved the school few months after to a closer school, where the mums were so much nicer.
They actually approached me first.
I realised how silly I was trying to make friends like that.
My child is now in yr 5, I say hello all the mums if I see them- most time the kids walk in their own now anyway, they are polite, but none of them are very close friends.
I got a couple of friends there, we talk sometimes for 5 mins if we are lucky to see each other but that’s about that. Perfect.

*my mouth hurt from all those smiles I meant

@OhCaptain

It’s not sad ffs! Just because it’s different to how you live your life doesn’t make it weird or sad.

And I say that as someone who has made friends with a couple of school mums.

I assume that was in response to me saying it was a bit sad? If so, it’s out of context from my post. I said those posters who say they don’t need any friends at all are a bit sad.

Op hasn't been back. Probably a journalist.

Note the inflammatory comments they made in their OP.

Designed to get people talking.

Covid means no mums in the playground at our school, they can loiter around outside although that has also been frowned upon due to staggered drop offs. No point staggering a drop off if you have to walk through a crowd of mums and dads. I walk the dog on the school run so mine go straight in while I walk past. I prefer it that way, I know lots of mums but it’s such a waste of time in the morning to stand in the playground for 15mins (pre-Covid) as I need to get back home to start work. I notice a lot of the childminder mums chatting but then they have common ground and often meet up during the day at childminder groups, it’s probably a good use of time for them while younger ones are strapped in a buggy.

I made mum friends from my eldest’s year group and am happy to chat to mums from the younger ones year group but I made less effort and didn’t go out to many get togethers for them as was too busy as started work when younger one started school so don’t know them so well.

Everyone has different things going on so don’t take it to heart. I often see people I know well but will choose to stand on my own at pick up as am enjoying the peace after finishing work before collecting kids and rushing to after school commitments. I don’t always feel like chatting.

I’d say make friends with the mums of your kids friends. Then arranging parties and having kids to play is easier. They’re the ones I speak to most, but also be happy in your own skin and don’t feel the need to be the most social, well liked parent!!

@honeylulu

I don’t understand why so many posters on mumsnet hate the very idea of making new friends outside of their already established friendship group.

Yes I agree with this! It always makes me wonder where people DO find their friends in the first place if they are so averse to even speaking to people in their sphere. Maybe they just pop out fully formed from under a gooseberry bush or something.

I agree. I find the “I have enough friends and don’t need anymore” attitude incredibly bizarre. I don’t think anyone sees a stranger and thinks “I want to be their friend” as a PP suggested, its more being pleasant to everyone and open to a friendship developing.

For all the “I have enough friends” types, how do you even make friends? Surely all your friends were new once. I can’t imagine living in such a narrow minded and insular little world where a newcomer is seen as an affront. How do you know you won’t like them if you get to know them? Yes, some people you won’t gel with and that’s fine, but to immediately decide you haven’t got room for more friends is very odd to me

Her "group" split about a year later when her husband went off with one of the other mums. Oh yes this happened at a friend's primary total carnage, all over both the playground and Facebook

So it’s horses for courses. Everyone thinks someone is an insufferable wanker. That’s life. This made me as yes this is true. Many of the people I am not speaking to are no doubt being spared as if I did they would probably think I'm the wanker!

I'm socially anxious, introverted and dislike talking. I'm also very polite and quite capable of making small talk so will smile and talk back if you talk to me but I am likely to try to hide from you if I can.

Maybe “blustery” equals taking over the conversation and not letting others have a word in edgeways and being completely blind to social cues. I have a colleague that does this, she’ll join a conversation and within seconds have taken it over and assume that everyone wants to hear her detailed account of her life and activities for at least 10 minutes. Meetings with her are awful, you have to add 15 minutes on just for her to waffle away at everyone. She’s started to be left off some virtual social meetings because people want to have a chance to chat normally and with her there that never happens as she interrupts and makes it all about her again.

I genuinely think it’s because she’s not got a clue about how she’s coming across and annoying people by dominating the conversation so much. We’ve tried telling her that everyone should get a chance to talk and all of that but she continues with the behaviour.

If that’s what you’re doing when you’re approaching the other parents then stop! It’s totally off putting and counter productive.

Personally, I feel over-stretched a lot of the time and like there isn't enough 'me' to go round - and although I love my friends, I feel guilty if I don't see them enough or don't talk to them enough. Maybe it's from being an introvert, that "peopling" feels like it costs me as much as it's rewarding. Therefore I often don't feel like I have room for new people, I don't feel like I have enough room for the ones I already have .

I think if you're more extroverted, you probably don't feel that kind of pressure and therefore it seems alien and somehow horrid of me to you?

For all the “I have enough friends” types, how do you even make friends? Surely all your friends were new once. I can’t imagine living in such a narrow minded and insular little world where a newcomer is seen as an affront

Oh lord, there is always a lack of middle ground on MN isnt there? Not having the time to add new friends to your life doesnt mean you view new people as an "affront"- what an odd, combative attitude.

To answer your question- I have a close group of about 6 friends (plus their current partners) whom I know from school and university. Therefore, we know pretty much everything about each other, have shared memories and I love the bones of them. I dont view meeting new people as an "affront" LOL, I simply dont have time to add more people to my already hectic, busy life. Its not that difficult to understand is it?

I don’t think anyone sees a stranger and thinks “I want to be their friend” as a PP suggested

But that is exactly what the OP is doing. It's the whole reason why she is approaching people.

"I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school."

It makes as much sense as trying to force friendship with other shoppers at the supermarket.

For all the “I have enough friends” types, how do you even make friends? Surely all your friends were new once. I can’t imagine living in such a narrow minded and insular little world where a newcomer is seen as an affront. How do you know you won’t like them if you get to know them? Yes, some people you won’t gel with and that’s fine, but to immediately decide you haven’t got room for more friends is very odd to me

I do meet new people but I already feel I don't see my old friends as much as I'd like. I absolutely don't live in a 'narrow-minded insular' world! If I did, I would want to meet more people!

It’s not though @ShirleyPhallus! It’s not sad at all.

If they’re happy with that, why is it sad? Just because it’s not your way of doing things? That’s so narrow-minded!

@FortunesFave

Op hasn't been back. Probably a journalist.

Note the inflammatory comments they made in their OP.

Designed to get people talking.

Hmm. You could be right! An interesting chat nonetheless, I think.

@OhCaptain

It’s not though *@ShirleyPhallus*! It’s not sad at all.

If they’re happy with that, why is it sad? Just because it’s not your way of doing things? That’s so narrow-minded!

Having a wider social circle than just your partner and children isn’t narrow minded at all?

It’s sad because there is SO much to be gained from having relationships with people outside of your immediate family. It is rather a lot of pressure on the immediate family too if theyre the the sole focus of one person.

And what happens if your children move away and spouse / partner dies? What a very lonely existence.

Sorry op, you sound perfectly nice. I know so many people are horrified at the idea of Mom school friends, but actually we have a lovely little group and if they're was one who seemed on the outside who was receptive we'd try and include her. Most of our kids went to nursery together but we made friends with the new Moms who's kids started fresh at Reception. I'd say just keep trying, you just maybe haven't chatted to the ones yet

@littlecatfeet

I don’t think anyone sees a stranger and thinks “I want to be their friend” as a PP suggested

But that is exactly what the OP is doing. It's the whole reason why she is approaching people.

"I feel so exhausted trying to form friendships with the other mums at school."

It makes as much sense as trying to force friendship with other shoppers at the supermarket.

It sounds to me like she’s trying to be nice and see if a friendship develops rather than honing in on a particular individual.

I’m also introverted in many ways and cherish my me-time but I still don’t relate to this “friend quota is full” thing. I’ve made a few new friends over lockdown simply by chatting to people in the park and we now go to the pub sometimes. You never know who you might meet. Plus, everyone complaining of being too busy, you do realise you don’t HAVE to be busy all the time beyond work and children/caring? If you’re doing tons of other stuff like extra curricular activities, visiting family every single weekend etc and feel overstretched, you can just... not

@crosser62

I just think “what do you want?” If anyone speaks to me. Somehow was in a class WhatsApp group. How the feck they got my number I don’t know. Probs from the school. Well the absolute horror of that shit show in front of my eyes. Nope. Delete. It’s a miracle I even have kids really because I had to interact with someone to make that happen and now I have to talk and interact with the kids. Who, by the way, seem incapable of ever EVER stopping talking from daybreak til sunset.

Earphones & social distancing, I’ve found, do not work on my children. They still insist on talking. All the time talking.
I’m vaguely interested in what they have to say, but some random parent at the front of a building full of random parents, no. Just no.

🤣🤣

Some people are very lonely and reach out to others and then get the cold attitude displayed by some. I really feel for people who are lonely school mums are not the answer since many IMO are cliquey.

Join groups of things that interest you or you can join 'meet up' type groups for similar people in your area.

feel overstretched, you can just... not

No, I can't.

I'm an only child, a single parent, full-time worker. I cannot just not visit my mother or step away from my commitments. And the suggestion pisses me off really.

@category12

feel overstretched, you can just... not

No, I can't.

I'm an only child, a single parent, full-time worker. I cannot just not visit my mother or step away from my commitments. And the suggestion pisses me off really.

Well yes, you can. I’m also a single only child full time worker, you can cut back on things you feel take too much time rather than stop them completely. Prioritising time for yourself to relax is important. It really is very easy to just say no to things outside of work that you don’t want to do

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5

This is true IMO there are some groups like 'mean girls' and some probably have been like that since school. You really wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway if they even allowed you to....

'They are all friends on social media and I know I'll never be part of their gang but I don't want to be! All I wanted from them was general chit chat and reciprocated play dates for my daughter's sake.'

I'm an only child, a single parent, full-time worker. I cannot just not visit my mother or step away from my commitments. And the suggestion pisses me off really

Yup Same. I'm also an only child who until recently was the sole carer for my unwell, elderly dad with dementia. Perhaps I should have told him I wont be visiting him because I'm scouting for friends in the park?

Perhaps I should also just abandon the business I started despite covid causing unemployment to sky rocket so I can cruise the park for new friends despite the fact I already have lots of lovely friends eh?

Good grief 🙄

Prioritising time for yourself to relax is important

Yes, it is and for many of us, that means spending quality time with the friends we already have who know us and lovel. It doesnt mean scanning local parks for strangers to go to the pub lol