I'm leaving my narcissist today

[HeyThereLonelyGir1]

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

Some of the stories here are so sad.

The idea that we are responsible for another adult's mental health is so wrong.

I mean the whole idea that if you hurt them in some way you're re running the risk of them doing something stupid.

I worry about an ex I spilt with - and I find myself worrying about him. But he didn't bloody worry about me and my feelings.

It's so powerful isn't it? And dare I say as females we are programmed to see the best in people?

I'm definitely a people pleasing rescuer. Well I was. Not now. But it's hard!

If the weather is nice then go get some air. Listen to something like running music or yoga music or something (doesn't have lyrics to make you think).
Check out something fun on netflix or something. It's just a matter of keeping yourself busy and occupied till things hurt a little less.

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

Struggling a lot today.

Not getting sucked back in and feel quite strong in that respect but the hurt is immense now he's realised it over and he's hurting.

I wish there was a love switch you could turn off

He's not hurting, not in the way you think. He's simply trying to reel you back in. It's all about control.

As well as email and letters already mentioned, be prepared for a "suicide attempt" or illness to get your attention. Don't react.

I found true crime tv programmes and crochet a good way of switching my head away from dealing with my ex. Doing both at the same time really needed concentration.

Oh yes and those bullshit take a break type magazines

I’ve recommended this on another thread today and I found out about this book some months ago by another mumsnetter. Read ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’ by Tracy Schorn - or get the audio version. It has really helped me gain some perspective. There is also a blog ChumpLady.com and a Facebook group. Good luck - just remember, you are mighty!

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

He's blocked but he does no caller id to get past it

Stopped anyway for now.

Heythere, why don't you download Trucaller on your phone and then you can see who is calling you.

[quote HeyThereLonelyGir1]@highlighta I hope it's not the same guy [/quote]
I don't think so as he is already on his hitch, but I have since found out that people in this line of work seem to have a lot more insecurity/control issues in relationships. No excuse of course but perhaps all the being away from everything happening back home has something to do with it.

Another thing I didn't cope very well with was when he was off work he was in holiday mode and I was working as normal. But he did expect me to take time off/ put in leave when I would rather not have, so that we could do things. (which meant when I wanted to take leave for myself when the dc were on holiday, I wasn't able to take as much as I wanted to as had used it all.....) So my life was starting to revolve around his hitches. Had to use his time away to see my friends, do diy on the house etc as when he was back he did not take kindly to me seeing other people or doing things in 'his' time. When he was back I saw him and only him. There were a lot of other things of course, but this did really started to bug me.

Sorry that was a ramble, but I do know exactly how you are feeling. I was in your shoes earlier this year. They seem to have this grip that is so hard to shake off for some reason.

Some great advice above, but all I will say is keep your head high, breathe deep and take each day as it comes for now.

Congratulations op.

This was me a month ago . We were together just over a year and it has affected me in so many ways. I also ended a marriage to be With him .

Stay strong it gets a Tiny bit easier everyday.
I have a way to go But i’m a feeling much better. I was missing him a lot and feeling lonely . I don’t anymore .

Not sure if you have been following this thread.....some things might resonate.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4015467-Would-you-rather-have-a-relationship-for-the-rest-of-your-life-with-lots-of-highs-and-lots-of-lows-or-be-single-for-the-rest-of-your-life

I haven't see that one @Sssloou will read later

So I feel sick this evening. Pain at the loss. Pain at the hurt. Pain at the thought of more contact from him. I doubt there will be any but then that is painful too.

I realise it's all normal.

I've raced home from work, grabbed my bike and come for a cycle along the beach. Going to meet a friend to say hello and their kids and then home to get ready to go out for dinner with an old friend.

Tomorrow some of my Girlfriends are coming over then Thursday I'm taking one of my kids out for dinner. Friday hair from work and then I will try make plans. Weekend hopefully something too. It would rather wait and see.

I've got some great friends make and female, near and far and I need to build that up again now.

Just feels kinda lonely at the moment

Damn that sounds idyllic! Bike ride on the beach, and friends. Fab start, well done. It will get easier as you get used to the idea.

It’s just time - you can’t literally speed it up - but you can fill it up so it passes quickly.

Do allow yourself to feel your hurt, pain, anger, loneliness, shock etc - do as much ugly snotty crying as you want .... get it out. It’s grieving / mourning for what should have been, the betrayal, the disappointment, the lost of hopes and dreams. Grieving is a healing process. Don’t fight it, embrace it. Don’t mistake it for missing him.

It feels like loneliness but it’s just the habits formed from being with him. I learned to be ok by myself, it takes a little time, but I’d rather that than the constant anxiety & fear I felt whilst I was with him. I’m finally finding myself again after 3 years, you will too OP!

Stupidly got drunk but didn't get in touch. Just talked about it too much. Never mind.

He's emailed me the despatch notification for the gift he apparently bought me two months ago saying please wear it and never take it off

So today it's the 7th day.

I've got a stinking cold, swollen glands in my throat and a spot in one nostril.

Marvellous

Please do t sign for the parcel and if it gets posted return it to sender.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.💐

Stay strong, you've got this!!

It was an addiction to the highs, carry on detoxing.

A bit of inebriated ranting with someone safe is fine. It's part of decompressing. Maybe turn your phone off and put it in a drawer, mind, save drunken temptation!

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

Stupidly got drunk but didn't get in touch. Just talked about it too much. Never mind.

He's emailed me the despatch notification for the gift he apparently bought me two months ago saying please wear it and never take it off

So today it's the 7th day.

I've got a stinking cold, swollen glands in my throat and a spot in one nostril.

Marvellous

Two months ago eh.....

Does he really think you were born yesterday.

I am going with it is something that is quite pricey. A tactic to reel you back in.

Hope you are feeling better today Heythere.

Well done on day 7.
However every contact you have with him sets you back emotionally, like a game of snakes and ladders. You need to count the total number of days of unbroken ZERO contact.

You need to block his email now. Can you do that? Can you see that you head is still in his game if you are reading emails?

Don’t sign for it of accept it.
Return to sender.
Block his email.
Then reward yourself for those massive steps.

You’re doing so well.

Refuse whatever crap he’s ordered for you. It’s just another thing to control you.

Thanks again to you all I keep reading the replies. All of them. And they are helping.

Work so so busy which is good and distracting.

@Sssloou he set up a new email address. Everything goes to spam and I'm not checking spam.

I do feel better on and off. Just miss the good days we had. Obviously we had many of those. But the bad days were 1000000 times worse.

Maybe get yourself a new email address and let you key contacts know.

You can check your old email address once a week / fortnight for anything important.

Email is so full of junk mail anyway - anything you suspect is him don’t open.

Keep swatting the irritating gnat away.....

The good days weren’t real though - they were fake - proactive manipulation and specific manoeuvres to keep you reeled in every now and again - so he remained in control and you were sucked back into punching distance. What was going on in your head on those days (trust, love, loyal, warmth, love) - was not what was going on in his head.

Think of it this way OP, the good times were the nice part of the meal, but it had shit in it there somewhere. Would you eat a dish knowing it had some shit in it? They are all capable of being nice, there are always good times, I miss them too, but was always on guard knowing bad treatment or unkindness or verbal abuse was on its way. I couldn’t rely on him to be consistently nice to me.

You have to get through this stage to get to the next better one. It’s extremely hard to leave an abuser, I went back three times to mine. Now I’m just terrified of doing that as I’m into the 2nd stage and can see more clearly the pattern and what my life would be like.

It’s a long process and I had therapy to help, have you read any books to help you along? Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is very good as is From Charm To Harm by Gregory Zaffuto.