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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm leaving my narcissist today

164 replies

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 03/09/2020 04:57

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

OP posts:
cheesecrackersandchips · 05/09/2020 11:13

You are so strong op. I admire your resolve Smile

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 05/09/2020 14:40

Thank you all so very much. For the kindness and advice. I'm still quite new to the site after at least a decade away so I'm not up on tagging people.

I wavered yesterday and almost caved but today I'm feeling so so strong!

I'm trying to keep busy but maybe every hour or so I get that hideous deep in my chest pain.

He's destroyed my confidence and so many of my relationships and I do feel very alone but it will get better.

I've managed two days now and every new day is another day of freedom

OP posts:
Sssloou · 05/09/2020 15:06

It’s really good that you are so in touch with your body sensations through this. That pain in your chest is grief - honour it - let it pass through. Don’t repress any feelings. In time you will look back and realise that they are pangs that come like waves - but the waves will become less frequent and each one less intense. If you repress them that’s when you are likely to crack and do something unhelpful.

You are doing great. What are you doing to reward yourself?

Are you actively filling some of your time with lovely people and enriching / restorative activities.

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 05/09/2020 15:15

@Sssloou

It’s really good that you are so in touch with your body sensations through this. That pain in your chest is grief - honour it - let it pass through. Don’t repress any feelings. In time you will look back and realise that they are pangs that come like waves - but the waves will become less frequent and each one less intense. If you repress them that’s when you are likely to crack and do something unhelpful.

You are doing great. What are you doing to reward yourself?

Are you actively filling some of your time with lovely people and enriching / restorative activities.

Oh wow I found a button!!

You're so right, I keep gulping back tears but not as many as yesterday and yes! I got up early walked and walked. Grabbed coffee, watched the world go by. Got brave and called a nearby friend who was closer than I imagined and met her for another coffee.

I'm ok. I miss him but he consumed my every waking moment so I knew I would. But I feel lighter. I truly have woken up. I didn't want the life I was headed for, cheating, lies, smoke and mirrors. I'm so so pleased I realised before it was too late

It'll take a while to regroup, I know it will. I'll crave him like a drug. And I confess I've not yet blocked him. But I will. He's not in contact anyway.

Baby steps now I've taken the giant leap. And I'm so glad you guys are behind me Smile thank you xx

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 05/09/2020 15:16

Good on ya op!

I hope you can just block him on everything. That'll make things easier.

Might be wise to read up on hoovering (tactics narcissistic sorts use to try get you back after you leave). Melanie tonia Evans does a good vid on 9 hoovering tactics, on YouTube.

And, heads up, you don't actually love him. You never loved the real person. Just the person he pretended to be in order to con you. The love may have been real but the object of that love, was not. Its like falling for an actor because of a part he played. The real him is a bastard that no one would ever love.

Well done getting free!

Sssloou · 05/09/2020 15:23

Block and delete ASAP.

Why torture yourself with the preoccupation of waiting for him to make contact?

That’s handing him the power - feeding your addiction to his drama, keeping you on eggshells. It’s like going on a diet and not throwing out the chocolate biscuits which torment you from the cupboard.

Make it easier for yourself!

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 05/09/2020 15:25

Do you know what. I'm going to. Right now. And I'm going to download WhatsApp- wasn't allowed it as that's how people cheat apparently - he did clearly, not me!

Sod. Him.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 05/09/2020 15:40

Good for you - make sure he is blocked on What’s App as well.

Then give yourself a big pat on the back. (And a chocolate biscuit...)

Happynow001 · 05/09/2020 15:40

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

Do you know what. I'm going to. Right now. And I'm going to download WhatsApp- wasn't allowed it as that's how people cheat apparently - he did clearly, not me!

Sod. Him.

Very good OP!! Another step in the right direction.

Also I've only read your posts, not the responses so forgive me if this has already been suggested, but make sure he has no other access to your life. Eg: keys, passwords to anything (in fact change all your passwords just in case - including your internet router), tighten up your SM if you use it and set up a rule on your email so all emails from him go into your junk folder.

Good luck to you - enjoy your life without this life-sucker. 🌹

Wanderingstars4238 · 05/09/2020 16:00

Good for you😁👍🤸. Make sure to stay close to this board and review material about abuse to keep yourself from questioning your decision.
It's common for abuse victims to go back and forth about whether they should leave or not. Most women wind up returning at some point, from what I've read, seen, and from my own personal experience....Only to leave again because of course he never changed like he said he did.
Lundy Bancroft seems to be the favorite of most women leaving an abusive partner.
He's on YouTube m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmbrAWDft0s&t=160s His speech starts at 2:45.
He also wrote an amazing book Why Does He Do That?

I wish you the best.

cheesecrackersandchips · 05/09/2020 18:11

I thought Lundy Bancroft was female!!

Yes definitely watch out for hoovering tactics.

I have an ex who is great at threatening mental health problems and vague booking with stupid quotes on social media to get attention.

Bunnymumy · 05/09/2020 18:23

That was a good video link, thanks for that.

My only issue with Lundy bankroft sometimes being the go-to mention on mumsnet is that he deals with the worst of the worst in his work, the real violent sorts. And a lot of abusers are purely emotional ones, not physical. And I think a lot of abused women are inclined to be prone to 'oh well at least my ex isnt as bad as...' kind of thoughts.

But the fact is, rotten is rotten at the end of the day. And no level of abuse is acceptable.

Still a brilliant fella though. If only they would teach his stuff in schools...instead of trigonometry ideally lol.

willowmelangell · 05/09/2020 20:16

A half of a sentence really resonated with me. The, destroyed relationships, bit.
I was made to delete phone numbers. Change my phone number. He stood over me while dictating what I had to say to people(even family). No phone call I received in front of him was ever natural as he would be there red faced, angry, threatening. He would dial 191 when he came into my home and quiz me, sometimes dialling back and pushing the phone into my face, all the while insisting I was having an affair. I've lost so many friends. I can't contact them as my phones were broken in front of me. I had to account for every call on my phone bill. Awful, awful time. My hand on a Bible, after it ended, it was 6 years before the sound of a phone ringing didn't make me feel sick.

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 05/09/2020 21:18

Still here. Had quite on ok day really but he's still on my mind all the time. Not always in sadness, in fact barely in sadness, but I've just come to bed as I'm cold and tired and we'd always FaceTime goodnight or text goodnight when apart. It's the little things - I realise that was part of the control.

I'm mourning the life I anticipated originally with him, the man I thought he was. But amazingly to me, I'm also very much celebrating my escape from what would have been a very unhappy reality and a man who would have made my life a living hell if he'd have moved in.

Feeling pretty lonely, quite sad and still in shock that it's over.

But still strong enough to stick to this.

FWIW I've never so much as lasted minutes in the past when he's ended it. I've begged and pleaded Hmm and played right into his hands.

I've never ended it or threatened to. And I've certainly never felt this strong.

Thank you all so much. Again.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 05/09/2020 21:39

@willowmelangell - what an horrific experience you have endured. Have you had any therapy for PTSD - there is no need to live like this. I hope that you have managed to track down some old friends - I am sure they would welcome you back with open arms.

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 00:05

@willowmelangell
All very familiar sadly, plus the incessant mocking of everything I did that he didn't approve of and the anger when I questioned anything.

I'm a shadow of the person I once was but I'm very lucky that a close friend is a therapist and has been helping me a little already. Not formally, I'd need her senior for that, but I'm helping change my mindset.

Please try get some help, it really helps you realise it's not you xx

OP posts:
HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 00:13

@Highlighta
Oh goodness me yes and I've fight harder for it than I did my marriage too.

No man has ever treated me so disgustingly and I'm ashamed to have let him. But not only me, my husband and children too. Ruined any chance of a relationship with them which I'm only just really even starting to achieve now - and he "helped me" - what a surprise. Such a hero Angry

He's also almost lost me my job, posted my number on dating sites so I got all the messages meant for him, put my picture on swinging site profiles - face and body.

OP posts:
HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 00:17

@FlapsInTheWind
I've had a wobble on Friday. Almost went to meet him. But did t. God knows how but I can only think that I've finally woken up!

@TellySavalashairbrush I can understand the heroine analogy- I've truly been addicted to him and had described it as exactly that. Definitely no going back though. Nobody believes me yet. But nobody is in my head.

He works away on a pattern and tomorrow he mobilises. I. Can't. Wait!!!!

OP posts:
HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 00:21

@biggirlpantstimeforchange I'd love to pm- to see how you're going! I can't work out how - good lord!!

To those who've done this, well done and thank you so much for the support - it helps to see it can be done.

Part of it taking so long was the fear of how he would react, how I would feel, and partly feeling I had to try to make it work because of the devastation I've caused by being with him.

I no longer care, he's made me so physically ill never mind mentally that nothing can be as bad.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/09/2020 00:27

Look yo the future, can you build a bridge to repair your relationship with your children? Concentrate on that, or your job, or rebuilding relationships with friends and family

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 00:37

@Weenurse yes I'm mending things with my children.
Youngest is simply lovely, very much a peace keeper however very strong sense of justice and I cheated. Has forgiven me and met narc and declared him "really nice" Confused (says it all!).
Older two were getting there but relationship with middle one hasn't been easy for years. I think this ending might help a lot but they're not very understanding or forgiving.
Much as I don't love or much care about my Exhusband as he controlled me for so many years, he still didn't deserve what narc did, calls, texts, photos EnvySad. I was horrified and I know the hurt will still be there almost a year on.

I have apologised face to face to them all many months ago for all of it. But I just continue to try.

My friends have been great, but many know much at all, but it's alarming that I have 4 pretty close friends who have all been in this situation.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 06/09/2020 01:15

Using and distributing photos of you is deeply distressing. I am sure it is illegal - revenge porn or circulating indecent material?

Malicious communications and harassment? Would talk to the police.

HeyThereLonelyGir1 · 06/09/2020 03:17

@Sssloou I did at the time....and still went back for more. I even saw the officer that dealt with it out in the pub and he grabbed me to say please don't tell me you're here to meet him. I wasn't but I was being drawn back in already!

OP posts:
FlapsInTheWind · 06/09/2020 04:13

You are at a good stage. The celebrating in a small way and being proud of yourself in a small way is actually a massive massive thing OP. I remember this well.
My experience with this was decades ago but let this wash over you and leave. Like air. It comes and goes.

As I said earlier it will take you many many months before you heal fully from this experience and in fact it will always be with you. I left mine after four and a half years. I lived with him for six months but had to move out as he was too toxic and full on. I stayed though because as a PP said upthread, God knows why but it's like crack. I think it's the deep seated urge to heal that person and get them a better life or something. It's beyond my analysis.

I was driven demented because he was perfect for me in every way apart from his subtle and sometimes not so subtle abuse of me. This made me seem to want to crave his approval or something I dunno.

One day he pushed me just too far and something snapped and I saw him. I saw him and I saw myself. He was just chuntering on in his normal way but suddenly it was like the earth shifted beneath my feet and I grew ten feet tall. I knew then that my lesson was learned and I was leaving again and I would actually stay away this time.

I didn't say anything as I had to be careful. He had been violent on one occasion and accidently on purpose physical on others. I knew he would lose the plot if he realised but there was such a fundamental change that he knew straightaway. Even my voice went a bit deeper! It was like a light came on inside me.

I pretended I had a headache and went to bed. I knew he would then start to do something noisy but on this one occasion he didn't. I lay with a blanket over my face and I was so so calm. I could see my future without him plainly in my minds eye and whereas before, a life without him felt unbearable (I had left many times) this time it felt completely normal to be planning my escape and staying away and how to do it.

The following day I continued the 'headache trick' and he went to work. As soon as I heard him drive away I was up and like a dervish getting my stuff together and throwing it in the car. I was terrified he would come back as he would have killed me without a doubt.

After I left he wrote me letters. Lots of them. I was in a lot of emotional pain. He was intelligent and funny and just extremely interesting as a person. I loved the essence of him but the dark bit of his personality was too much for me and it made me ill for the whole time we were together. I wasn't me around him. I was fighting fires the whole time. The brilliant times were just so brilliant that it's almost the memory of them that kept me hooked in when he was being abusive.

A PP said it was like having a limb chopped off and it was. I was in absolute mental agony. I didn't start to not care for two years. All of this was in the 90's and I have been married to a wonderful bloke now for 18 years but even now there are some sights and smells that take me back there and I still even get a little thrill of panic in my guts. It was the most profound experience of my life.

I saw him once years later across a car park. A friend had travelled from abroad to see me and we were having a day out where we used to live. He didn't see me. I almost fainted. I felt frozen to the spot and then I felt sick and hot and panic striken. I still felt ill that evening. That is how they get you. It's bizarre how one person can do that to another. I know if he has seen me he would have come over and started chatting and been as light and breezy as possible as if he is the nicest person in the world. He could turn it on and off like a tap. I feared this encounter but it didn't happen.

Leaving him was hell but staying would have been far worse. I knew he would eventually kill me. I know his parents thought we were still together two years later. I heard that on the grapevine.

I'm glad I experienced it now as I would never allow that to happen to me again or anything close to it. It sort of had to happen for me to be who I am .

You will go through a horrible time over the next few weeks and months. Be your own best friend. Be the kindest to yourself you ever will be. Eat good food, listen to good music and talk to others about it if you can so you can get it straight in your mind. It's almost as if you have to wait for the fabric of your life to change with the passage of time for you to realise he doesn't fit with that fabric any more.

One day you will wake up and not feel it all so acutely and then one day you will find that you have gone much longer than normal without thinking about him. You will take off from that point.

I was lost to myself and others for so long. I was like a moth beating myself against a lamp and tearing my wings to shreds to try and get it to work when for him it already worked the way he wanted.

FlapsInTheWind · 06/09/2020 04:14

Sorry that was so long.

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