I'm leaving my narcissist today

[HeyThereLonelyGir1]

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

Hi all

@biggirlpantstimeforchange it's so very hard not to respond and having read what I've read all just part of the process and gets easier. You're doing so well and. I hope better than me I feel! Keep going 

@Sssloou after being under their spell for so long it's so difficult to break. I think those of us who are trying to are doing really well. When someone has had a 24/7 control over your life and you suddenly wake up to that, it's a hard habit to break and the feelings still remain. I suppose it's a kind of catharsis to have read the odd email and to have somewhere to vent about it which is what I though this was.

It doesn't mean we are losing grip of the eventual escape or being weakened. To me as I said reading it made me think more about how he'd left me feeling heartbroken and not cared, dozens of times, rather than feeling sorry for him and wanting to reach out to him.

Hope you are doing ok @HeyThereLonelyGir1

Come back to talk anytime, we all know how hard it is.

@Buggedandconfused thank you. Hard hard week but I made it through.

I don't think I'm any closer to feeling ok but I don't feel worse, it comes in waves and yes I still end up with silent tears or loud sobs but I read up on some of the things mentioned up thread and it's all part of it. Which I guessed it would be.

So the weekend! I've made loose plans and have lots at home to do all with a slight hangover. It's a good job my friend travels home today after two weeks here as she's my one drinking and going out partner!!

How's everyone else doing?

Huge well done OP for getting through the week. It will get better in time. I’m almost 6 months no contact and feel much better. I stupidly tried to ignore the healing process by seeing other people which didn’t give me time to get over it, so I think it took me a bit longer. Are you exercising too? That really helps.
Keep going, each day, each week is a big success and closer to being happy and the old you again. ❤️

Well done. Step by step. You won’t want to hear it but alcohol is not your friend when you are trying to heal. I can be quite subtle - maybe just robbing you of 5% of your confidence, spirit, focus, self esteem, self compassion - at a time when you are already in deficit of these capacities and you need to restore and build these up again not chip away. Sometimes it can be the difference between having a good day or a bad day....it’s the mental hangover bit rather than the actual drinking that can derail you when you are already vulnerable.

@Sssloou thank you  I know that only too well. A few years ago I leant so much on alcohol that I went to AA as I felt I was an alcoholic. I know I'm not but it helped me hugely and I still use some of the tactics they taught me on low days.
I don't drink at home any more and rarely go out ever. And even then not anywhere near as much as before as my tolerance is so low! It was so good to get out and feel a little more like the old me though.

@Buggedandconfused thank you! I'm starting back at the gym this week, have been putting it off. But I've been cycling and walking a lot and being outside away from my home with sometimes too many memories is helping so much.

That’s brilliant OP! You are doing all the right things. I’m also saving for a weekend away or something next year if we are allowed! It gives me focus for something nice when I’m feeling a bit low.

The alcohol comment is very true, I leant on it in my relationship with ex narc & after, I’ve cut right down now to about 15-20 units a week and feel so much better mentally. Also I’ve stopped waking up in the night and inevitably thinking about everything I shouldn’t.

We’ve got this OP! Strong women 💖

TruffleMama

Sounds almost identical to the guy that I was seeing for seven months! Again, it was the most traumatic r'ship I have ever encountered.

heytherelonelygirl. It will get better.

Hi OP, hope you're doing ok today. You're doing amazingly well to have got this far.

I'd suggest having an email folder to keep all his (unread) emails in. Mine constantly changed addresses as soon as I blocked them. He took it as a personal challenge to get messages through to me. He also hand delivered stuff, had flowers and gifts delivered, used the postal service, used new phone numbers, constantly called using 'no caller id'. I dreaded the phone ringing for such a long time.

I kept it all (and kept a diary) - and it came in useful when he started stalking me again earlier this year - three years after I'd left him. He now has a restraining order.

He won't just let you go until he has secured a new 'supply', and he will say and do anything to try and get you back.
He will be getting desperate by now.

Don't listen - keep strong!

I used to tell myself every day how wonderful and amazing I am - and I eventually started to believe it. You've got this.

Hello again sorry for lack of update but it's been a really tough week in many ways.

Very tearful today so I came to read the supper you've all given and try and boost myself back up.

It's 3 weeks ago today and it feels like an eternity. And I hate myself for missing him so much there is a gaping hole in my life and I'm struggling to fill it. I'll get there. Motivation has been lacking obviously but I'm determined

Hope you're all doing ok xx

Self compassion for yourself is important.

Be proud that you knew it was bad
Be proud that you plotted a way out
Be proud that you left
Be proud that you pushed through each day
Be proud that you have reached 3 weeks

Of course there is a huge hole - where your hopes and dreams were that are now destroyed. This needs filling up after you have grieved with a new life with good family and friends. Grieving is good - have to feel it to heal it.

Only one rule - NC with him.

well done on 3 weeks. i know how hard it is how all-encompassing, i think thats because thats how much of our minds they took up. its 3 months since my break up and i still think of him every day with things id like to say. or just to be in his arms again. but in reality there is nothing he'd say that i want to hear, and nothing i'd say that he wants to hear. so i dont say anything. Its by far the worst break up ever but staying in the relationship would be even worse. Be patient, be kind to yourself, keep reaching out for the support you need as you have been throuh trauma

It’s a great accomplishment OP! It will get better, and better... you will come through the other side and be strong and happy again. You’ll be glad you valued yourself because you are worth so much more than him. You are worthy and special - he will never be fraction of what you are.