I'm leaving my narcissist today

[HeyThereLonelyGir1]

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

@FlapsInTheWind
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. It sounds horrendous, no wonder it took so long to recover.

Fortunately my ex would never be violent, it's all words and actions and being vindictive and cruel. Picking at my weak points and scabs.

I still have that dull ache. I need him to leave town tomorrow for work and I truly feel I'll move to another level of "ok" then.

Stay strong OP. Keep the strength and anger. If he contacts you don’t respond. I managed to leave my narc after 3 years. I was trauma bonded to him and kept going back - I even had therapy and went back thinking if I was totally healthy and healed it could work. It only got worse. He became physically abusive and raped me. I clung on to the man I thought I’d met in the beginning but once I knew who he really was the anxiety and hyper vigilance was exhausting. He could be the loveliest person but switch in a moment over nothing. He was controlling me and eradicating my self esteem. I’m 5 months no contact now and it’s getting easier. My children hated him and now I’m putting them first. He tried hard to put a wedge between us and I had to rebuild their trust in me. He abused me emotionally, financially and physically. Handsome man, but so ugly and a monster inside.

The relationship changed me, I’m still not as happy & positive about life but I’m getting there slowly. Trying to rebuild my faith in human nature as a whole.

Stay strong - these men never, ever change.

@Buggedandconfused thank you that all sounds so familiar, but it will won't it, these people are all the same!

My relationship with my children has suffered so much. I need to tell my younger two that it's over. I doubt they'll believe me as I've been here before, shamefully. It hurts that people won't believe I've done it but I understand why.

I've been so isolated - that's the killer as my support network has dwindled but I can rebuild that. Maybe make new friends as well.

People have said for a long time I need to try and meet someone new but I'm too scared to in case they're abusive as well.

@heytherelonelygir1, you are doing fantastically well, just take each day as it comes. I'm another one who has been down that route. Don't think for one moment that he wouldn't use physical violence to control and humiliate you. Can I recommend the Freedom Programme to you? It can be done online as well as face to face. It really was a lightbulb moment for me when everything came together and made sense. Most normal relationship's don't have the level of fear that narcissistic relationship brings - you lose you sense of self completely. It gives you an insight into how the mind of an abuser works and the various tactics used and also how to spot those red flags quite early on. Post here every time you wobble and think of the much better life awaiting you

'People have said for a long time I need to try meet someone new' ...eh? While you've still been seeing him? Well that's awful advice lol.

You don't need another man to get over a shit one. You need to learn to be content in your own company and trust in yourself again.

It's also common for people just out of abusive relationships to attract other abusers. Perhaps because abusers sometimes lovebomb in the beginning and that's just what a person feeling low and beaten down craves.

You are doing great. But you gotta do all the work on learning how to spot abusers and learning to br happy in yourself and trust yourself again before even thinking about dating. You're just not there yet. It isnt worth the risk. Theres nothing wrong with being single for a while! Anythings better than stuck with a jerk.

@Mummacake thank you! I do actually feel like I'm doing well and I can't believe it. I've gone out. Been independent. Bumped into friends and actually stayed with them and socialised and the absolute freedom of not having to keep my phone to hand FOR HIM 24/7 is just unbelievable and something is not realised I was doing really.

I've had a lovely day. Made a spontaneous arrangement to have breakfast with a friend within five minutes - this was never allowed is it meant I must be cheating as i had not prewarned him. And then went for a stroll and bumped into a male genuine friend who I have not been permitted to contact and sat for almost two hours talking to him about it all. He was stunned that I would take what I have, I barely told him anything, but again I feel FREE for doing this.

This is the real me and I intend to embrace it. I've spent so so long sitting around being available for him. Not any more!

@Bunnymumy most of my friends have been in their relationships for decades and can't understand me and mine. They just want me in the couple box. I get that. But no. I absolutely do not need a man. I need a life! I don't need a man for that I just need to work out what I want from my new life and make it my own. I have male friends that are firmly friends and that's fine by me!

I feel so strong today! I don't even know why but I've avoided driving past his house less than a mile away for 3 days now and intend to keep it that way despite the detours.

I'm counting the hours til he flies away tomorrow and I truly feel free.

I never ever thought I could feel this way. I didn't ever think I would end it "just in case".

It is so liberating and fulfilling to know I've done it!!

He is blocked. I've deleted him as a contact and the only reason I've kept his texts so far is in case it escalates and I need evidence for the police. But I don't even open the thread. No interest in cutting open old wounds!

You are doing so well! But I would be cautious that he really does leave for work... he will know that you think he's going, so don't celebrate and let your guard down without some sort of proof, don't know how?

@criminallyinsane he has to return. His flights are booked both his and the ones his employer books. He works offshore and is on a rota and has never had a day off so I know he will go.

I wonder if the contact will return once he's away and realises just how much time we spent talking to one another while he was away.
He's blocked but can still get through if he withholds his number and unfortunately I have to reply due to my work. However I know how to hang up

Good! Keep strong

[quote HeyThereLonelyGir1]@criminallyinsane he has to return. His flights are booked both his and the ones his employer books. He works offshore and is on a rota and has never had a day off so I know he will go.

I wonder if the contact will return once he's away and realises just how much time we spent talking to one another while he was away.
He's blocked but can still get through if he withholds his number and unfortunately I have to reply due to my work. However I know how to hang up [/quote]
Hmmm, you have me wondering Heythere, as my ex is in the same work field and I often wondered if this played any part in the intense level of insecurity.

Rooting for you op. If mn had been around 20 years ago my life would be very different...

Is it worth getting a new number?

@highlighta I hope it's not the same guy

So it took him 40 minutes to start calling. 3 hours later it's stopped. I've contacted my provider re changing number. Will be so hard due to work but I'll sort something out.

In the interim block that number that’s calling you. You don’t need 3hrs of your precious time in your new life hijacked by this tosser.

Have you got a neighbour you are friends with? Ask them to answer and say wrong number...several times if necessary..
You should not have to change your number...

He's blocked but he does no caller id to get past it

Stopped anyway for now.

Pft just dont answer any numbers you dont know.
Put the thing on silent so you arent pestered by it. New number sounds like a good shout.

Btw be prepared for long rambling emails or letters through your door. Just save them somewhere and don't bother reading them. It's just more mindfuckery.

Struggling a lot today.

Not getting sucked back in and feel quite strong in that respect but the hurt is immense now he's realised it over and he's hurting.

I wish there was a love switch you could turn off

Take it hour by hour:

Write and keep read a long list of all of the incidents. Often when you see it all in one place the enormity of it and clear proactive patterns of his behaviours/abuse shine through. Log how YOU felt each time.

Have some positive mantras for when your head starts to slide into the needy / addictive stuff. YOU deserve much better than this. This RS is toxic and unsustainable - the repeated hurts will leave long lasting ugly scars. You need a healthier, enriching RS.

Take an action to distract you when you feel flooded and overwhelmed. Call a friend, take a 2 minute walk, look at a funny video, plan something nice with nice people.

Your responsibility now is lots of self care so that you can heal.

Notice the urges and impulses - that’s all they are. They are temporary you can sit them out and let them rise and fall.

Hour by hour.

He managed to turn his off! Hurt you badly, and was ok with it. Remember how good it feels to talk to friend a d pop out for a coffee.

I wish there was a love switch you could turn off

Maybe it’s a dimmer switch that you have been slowly fading for sometime. This “love” is not the bright shiny sunlight that it should be - it’s shady, dark, grimy ..... keep fading.

I’ve been where you are OP. I went through an incredibly painful period, focused on DC, work and exercise. Then I met the love of my life. I feel like I had the luckiest escape and now I fear that my DD might meet a cluster B in her life and be destroyed similarly. I’m going to teach her to avoid them goof luck! Be strong.

OP, every minute, every hour, every day is closer to you being happy and healthy again. I finally left my narc in April and stupidly went straight into dating - now I am taking time on my own to heal. It will take time but each day feels better and better. I now have an image I visualise of a beautiful bird flying high in fresh clean winds that I think about whenever he pops into my mind, it really helps. Try to get some exercise and have something positive to look forward to. I’m saving for a holiday next year and am enjoying seeing my friends. You will heal, it will take time but you can do it.