I'm leaving my narcissist today

[HeyThereLonelyGir1]

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

Yep. My ex did this. So bloody hurtful at the time.

He also met and moved in with another woman after a few months.

As someone at the time said on here - nobody falls in love faster than a homeless narcissist. So bloody true.

Aren't they utter bastards!!

We are well rid and I am stronger by the day thanks to you all. Xxx

The fact he is on POF tells you all you need to know but bloody hell! He didn't let the grass grow under his feet did he?

When you go in the loop of what ifs and why didn't he's, add this bit into the loop. BUT HE'S ALREADY BACK ON THE MARKET.

Sit back and watch because he will be on there again and again over the next couple of years. Something I've learned is the longer the relationship with a victim (you) the more used to showing their true self they become. When they start a new realtionship they don't put their guard up so well and their new victim can see what they are much earlier and they piss off before they are invested.

Just a pet theory of mine

Just checking in. Nothing to report. Feel empty and lost but determined to get through this. Weekends have always been difficult as he often ruined them with his moods ie I planned things as he was away and he didn't like it. So started an argument, blocked me all weekend apart from to fire long emails and texts then reblock, so my motivation to do anything disappeared.
My son is coming later today for the week so that will help me eat and relax and give me a distraction. I've eaten nothing at home all week and I need to get back into the gym and food is fuel!

It’s v good that you are so observant of your emotions - you are able to sense them, then name them and then think why you feel like that and then plan something constructive to mitigate. This processing and will nudge you along to recovery.

Don’t be scared or repress these feelings - they are telling you important stuff.

You need some physical nourishment though the lack of food will also compromise your mood, thinking and strength.

Weekends have always been difficult as he often ruined them with his moods ie I planned things as he was away and he didn't like it. So started an argument, blocked me all weekend apart from to fire long emails and texts then reblock, so my motivation to do anything disappeared.

Oh lovely, that sounds so hard.

Congratulations, you have secured a whole new life for yourself with noone to regularly spoil your weekend.

Have an easy day today, let your mind wonder around all the things you might want to do. Maybe start a list of the things you do want to do. It's great to plan things what you can really look forward to, knowing that there will be no one spoiling it for you.

Its a tough road for a few months, i know how you feel and am.sorry for your pain, but once your head starts to think straight again you will start to feel better and stronger i promise. take it easy.

@heartlikepaper @FinallyHere @Sssloou

Thank you for your kindness and support once again.

I'm so very fragile today. It feels like it was yesterday not over a week ago. I can't eat I try all the time but I need to work some way out to do so as I don't want my son seeing me like this.

It's so fucking painful.

Oh, goodness, yes. It is very tough. You are grieving for what might have been, for the way you thought your life was going to be, rather than how it actually turned out.

It might help to have a look at the cycle of grief. You might well bounce around the different stages, rather than just go though it once. I can promise you it will get better, without him to make your life difficult. All the very best.

I agree with FinallyHere the stages of grief are not linear and also the adrenaline of taking the action may be subsiding which leaves you emotionally raw. Take it easy. Are you not comfortable to be open with your son that a whole spectrum of emotions rise and fall during turbulent times but you know that you took the right decision and are headed in right direction. That might be more authentic and help you both?

@FinallyHere I'll look that up thank you.

Just need to appreciate the normality and freedom. Narcissists take up so much of yourself life it's a huge gaping hole left behind I guess.

@Sssloou my son is an absolute gem. He's so switched on and emotionally mature for a teenager. I've not had him living with me due to having to shield myself so it's his first week "home" for months. I don't want it to be bleak and him to worry - he's worried enough about me during lockdown and the bits of my relationship he's witnessed.
But I can be open and tell him how I'm feeling that's not the issue no. In fact I'm hoping it will do me good to have company at home as I completely filled last week and was exhausted as a result!

That’s good - it’s not appropriate to dump / vent or overload him emotionally - but you can show him your resilience which will reassure him if he was worried about you and revealing the battle scars / bumps and bruises which are now healing is fine.

Enjoy your time reconnecting with him - I am sure it will be v restorative for you both.

Hello all. How is everyone else doing that's recently been in this situation?
I'm finding it best to keep busy but then I can't be busy constantly and immediately my mind wanders.

My son arrived and my friend came over for a catch-up so we had a lovely evening sitting in the garden all three of us and this mess wasn't mentioned which was such a nice change!
Got another very sad email just telling me how he is feeling and linking to some sad songs I know mean a lot to him. It touched a nerve I'm not heartless but I just kept thinking about the dozens of times I've felt heartbroken and he's ignored me as well as been the cause!

Oh god the bloody songs. Yep I remember that well. So cliche.

@HeyThereLonelyGir1

Hello all. How is everyone else doing that's recently been in this situation? I'm finding it best to keep busy but then I can't be busy constantly and immediately my mind wanders. My son arrived and my friend came over for a catch-up so we had a lovely evening sitting in the garden all three of us and this mess wasn't mentioned which was such a nice change! Got another very sad email just telling me how he is feeling and linking to some sad songs I know mean a lot to him. It touched a nerve I'm not heartless but I just kept thinking about the dozens of times I've felt heartbroken and he's ignored me as well as been the cause!

You would be wise to block his emails OP. You can't be free of him until ....you are free of him.

@FlapsInTheWind I have. He creates new ones to get round the filters.

[quote HeyThereLonelyGir1]@FlapsInTheWind I have. He creates new ones to get round the filters.
[/quote]
What a tosser!

You need to decide a cut off point and then threaten him with harrassment legislation.

thankfully im not getting any of that, it would probably touch a nerve too even though id know it was deliberate manipulation. Dont get sucked in, Stay strong. Im ok. Still down, bored, lonely and exhausted but my head is clearer and i can think about other things at last so thats a relief.

I had an issue with this after I chucked out my narc ex, I contacted the police and they had a quiet but form word with him and threatened him with prosecution if he continued. He stopped apart from letters on significant dates and that ended after a year but he still sends my 9 year old dd birthday cards 🤨

Firm not form

Why are you reading the emails, considering their content and then discussing it on here ..... when you could just delete. You also must have an indication they are from him. You are not helpless in this situation and you will hurt yourself more if you don’t take control.

I’ve just caught up with the thread. Keep strong.

I’m not yet 3 weeks in and the lovebombing contact started yesterday. Voicemails (as he is blocked) calls from withheld numbers and emails.

I caved and replied twice, but only to say I have nothing to say. I’m cross with myself for responding.

I’m anticipating abuse next.

It’s exhausting. And I feel incredibly foolish for believing his nonsense and allowing him to treat me so badly. I know it’s not my fault, but still a horrible feeling.

No regrets though OP, keep strong. We’ve got this!

Ask him to stop contacting you or you will report to the police for harassment. If someone makes contact twice more after having been asked not to then it is harassment and he will get a call from the police or a PIN.

The new numbers / emails shows their total disrespect and disregard for your privacy, boundaries, person space and wishes - they manipulate and trample to achieve their needs of power and control with zero regard for yours.

Don’t even look at the manipulative content - look first at the aggressive boundary crashing.