I'm leaving my narcissist today

[HeyThereLonelyGir1]

After almost 2 years of what I knew was abuse but didn't have the nerve to leave.

I still love him so much, I'll miss him like a limb and I'm going to completely fall apart.

But he's destroying me. Making me physically ill. And despite breaking up my marriage for this man - not proud of myself is a huge understatement - I need to walk away.

I can't predict if he will be angry or feign upset. He will undoubtedly make my life a living hell in the usual way - taunting me with other women, putting me down, trying to lose me my job etc

But I'm almost hoping he's relieved. I think he might be as he then won't have to do as he's promised he would for the last year, and change his domestic arrangement and move in with me.

I now realise this is a lucky escape for me but it's been a revelation over the last 48 hours so I need to act now.

I'm so so anxious. I don't want to argue or get tongue tied but be firm, say what I need to and show him the door.

If I listed 10% of things he's done, things I've done to try and please him... you'd all think I'm crazy to stay this long. But I need to start living my life, no controlling, no belittling, no abuse.

Hand holding required please xx

Also this:

kimsaeed.com/2018/09/06/how-to-leave-a-narcissist-when-youre-still-in-love/

Sign up for the free boot camp (ignore the paid for stuff) - it did help me getting the emails

I am in awe of the progress you have made. Just brilliant. You are mourning for someone who didn't really exist, the version of himself he presented to you, in order to reel you in.

Here is a link to the freedom programme online, Just in case you find it interesting.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you for the latest links and more replies and great advice.

I'm so very sad. That's it really. Had a few girlfriends over. 2/3 knew barely anything but the 3rd knew it all as she's been through similar.

They were horrified at some of what I said, shocked and saddened by the rest and stunned that I put up with it and turned into the person I did/have.

But now they've all gone home to their mostly happy marriages and I feel so alone and so upset.

Keep wondering why he didn't want me.
Why wasn't I enough.
Will he regret it
Is he sad or missing me

And hating myself for the above

OP, you need to watch your thinking. You are on the verge of falling into the trap of blaming yourself. It isn't you, it's him. You are grieving the person you thought he was. It can be lonely, I'm still not dating after leaving my ex 3 years ago. But I've spent time working on myself and I can say I've never been happier as an adult.

In the end, it will be him that's lonely. He's not capable of appreciating you. But you have the chance of finding someone who will cherish you for who you really are, not as someone who is there to meet their needs (and to hell with your own needs).

So, let yourself grieve for what you thought you had, give yourself some TLC, look after you.

So, you know none of that is true. As mophead says, it's about you, not him.

As for him, he did want you- but he wanted you to fit his box, be his possession, rather than a person with agency. He wanted to destroy the life you had, and destroy things that made you happy so all you had left was him. He didn't want you strong and independent, he wanted you scared and reliant on him.

Your title says you are leaving your narcissist, and that assumes you have done research and reading on this to come to that conclusion, but your last post shows that you really still don't understand this personality disorder at all. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you at all and all the angst about his feelings is completely wasted. You fell for 'fake' him and are leaving 'real' him. Keep reading, there are plenty of youtube videos on the subject. You are no doubt heartbroken, but the biggest emotion should be relief that you are no longer under his control and have the rest of your life to live freely. You have done well this far, don't waste your emotions wondering or worrying about him.

Hi again

I know this. Which is why I said I hate myself for being those thoughts as rationally I know damn well it's not me.

But it's been just one week since I ended it and 2.5 NC. very early days after almost 2 years of torture.

And the dark hours are long and feel sad. It's ok to feel sad and wonder why and what. It's part of any break up but even then I still know I'm lucky to have woken up when I did.

Well done you. It takes a while, you're right. Can you find a bit more rage somewhere when you hit a down day? Is there something about him, something he did or said that fills you with rage? Generally I'm a 'let it go and move on' person, but there's nothing wrong with keeping a few triggers at hand when you need them!

Yes it is early days. Think how far you have come - where were you 6 months ago.

There is no healing without feeling.

Befriend it.

Watch it it wash over like a wave.

And at other times find restorative people and activities to engage you.

Keep going @HeyThereLonelyGir1, it will get easier, I promise. Well done on getting to Day 7, you've got this.

Hey OP well done on your courage. My advice, say as little as possible or nothing if possible as a goodbye. otherwise you'll get caught in the mental tangle or worse. Take it one day at a time, it hurts like hell with a roller coaster of emotions, realisations etc that lasts way longer than you can anticipate. everyone expects you should be glad to get out, and you should DEFINITELY, but there is a huge gap to fill as the narcissist manages to take up so much headspace that it feels really desolate at times. Keep pushing through and stay strong. What helps me each time is reminding myself, they dont care. They dont care what you feel, how you are, what you are thinking. They only care about themselves. And you deserve better. GOOD LUCK :)

Ughh he is awful

You sound so strong

I did this and my life is AMAZING

keep posting here please we will help you stay strong

Go NC completely xxxx

Some excellent advice here OP.

Keep posting on here as it will keep you strong.
I agree that these people are not capable of putting anyone before themselves. They can never ever think how things look from any other perspective than their own. That part is missing but it's so easy to fall in love with the person you see them as rather than the being that they actually are, especially if you are an empathetic type.

I think for me there was an element of Stockholm Syndrome too and they are so manipulative that we go in innocently when we should be running for the hills.

Some kind person has sent me a PM however I've n idea how to access it. I joined using my appleid and I've no idea how to login to the desktop site with it.

So I'm sorry - I won't mention your username.

Thanks again for the support. I've had some contact from him but although it's heart wrenching it's also helping me.

Making more sense of everything and he's taking responsibility for things I'd never imagine him to.

It's all very final which has to be a good thing long term. But I've been in floods of tears all morning. Probably needed to!

What he is doing is called Hoovering. Funny how he couldn't apologise and own shit at a more appropriate moment isn't it?

Keep him blocked or don't look at the messages for months when you are feeling stronger. Look at them on a sunny day when life is good.

They won't have an impact on your heart then. Just your head.

@FlapsInTheWind so true. I'm so angry now as he's flipped. And I'm getting the blame. He called me at work and obviously I answered as I didn't know. And I ended up swearing at him before I hung up so then a voicemail telling me he's not having me swearing at him.

Fuck off and leave alone then you wankstain.

Anger is GOOD!!!!!!

That’s v intrusive and selfish to force his way into your working day. Well done for getting rid of him. Is there any way you can screen calls - even if a colleague has to answer or it goes to VM - or your calls are redirected for a short time?

[quote HeyThereLonelyGir1]@FlapsInTheWind so true. I'm so angry now as he's flipped. And I'm getting the blame. He called me at work and obviously I answered as I didn't know. And I ended up swearing at him before I hung up so then a voicemail telling me he's not having me swearing at him.

Fuck off and leave alone then you wankstain.

Anger is GOOD!!!!!! [/quote]
Did he say why he was calling you at work? He is showing his true colours now.

@Sssloou oh that will be it now. He has the rage again and I've blocked every single avenue. I now know the landline he calls from so will ignore those too and have blocked from mobile.

Going on a platonic date again tomorrow night and chewing the fat with a lovely male friend which has helped as they give me the normal male perspective and have known me for decades and know the real me if that makes sense.

It's good that I feel so aggrieved with him as I was feeling sad and weak. Not any more. Relief and anger!

Excellent. Well done you for seeing through his rubbish.

The remorse never lasts with these narcs. It’s so short lived and then the anger starts once they realise they can’t control you anymore. Well done OP for staying strong.

@Highlighta
He said because he had wanted to make sure I know he's hurting not happy.

Good.

But untrue. Already on POF looking for his next victim. Shows what I meant to him huh?

Strangely. I don't care!

My ex narc was straight onto Tinder too. If they truly loved you and were heartbroken this would be impossible to do. But, don’t be fooled. They can’t love anyone, they can only pretend to, so
don’t take it personally!

@Buggedandconfused

My ex narc was straight onto Tinder too. If they truly loved you and were heartbroken this would be impossible to do. But, don’t be fooled. They can’t love anyone, they can only pretend to, so don’t take it personally!

Back in the day (I'm old) before tinternet there was a thing called DateLine. You paid to join, filled out a load of questions and the 'computer' would match you with locals that had also joined. It was a fair amount of money if memory serves. Other old giffers would remember this I'm sure.

My ex narc borrowed money off me, 'for his mortgage' but I discovered he had used MY money to join fucking DateLine

Now THAT is a wankstain!

My ex too was on Tinder a week later.

I was quite hurt at the time but the more I read here the more I'm shaking my head that I got upset.

And he messaged me and said. *Oh just incase any of your friends see and let you know, I've joined Tinder now.'

I don't have one friend that is on Tinder.

He too is following the same pattern OP.