Him or his ex

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

He is playing you to make you feel guilty so he can leverage that to regain your attention on tap.

Find your anger! It will come. The guilt will be replaced by anger some time soon. How very DARE HE!!!!!

Can you block his number and email address and then delete them from your phone so you’re not tempted to contact him when you’re feeling low. He will be waiting for this so don’t give him the satisfaction of being needy.

You really need to rip off that plaster and get it all done so you begin to heal. Making sure he can’t contact you should be your first step or you’ll just be waiting for that next message and be tempted to chase him.

Yes tork definitely the guilt trip by being so lovely and understanding if I need 'time'.

I know his email off by heart unfortunately. I know I won't contact him. The last time we stopped talking he sent me something through the post!

He just wants attention. He doesn't deserve that after messing me about is what I have to remind myself. Says he really cares about me...but doesn't really or he would actually see me and not let me down!

Actions - Words.

Thank you it helps to talk and know people understand xx

He is not being lovely and understanding of you needing time though is he? He is not backing off, is he?

Words and actions do not match.

I only got the one earlier....nothing since. Saying if I need time he understands and he's so sorry for hurting me. That's what I've ignored.

The one that blamed the distance

Ah, good, from the way you were writing I thought you were ignoring load of them.

Sounds like you are not busy enough. Do something that occupies your mind and body!

I do need more to do...I'm wfh on my own so it's not great for me.

I hope it's okay to post on here...I'd rather that than cave and message him.

I'm so annoyed....so annoyed at how I've been led on, strung along and how I've been hugely future faked. I don't understand how he can do this to me...how can he be all over me for weeks...and then just change his mind again.

I really want to send him an email as I don't like sitting with these feelings. I think he deserves some backlash and I feel weak for not doing that and sticking up for myself.

I'm trying to tell myself he's not worth my energy though.....anyone who can be so dismissive really isn't. If I did then I would've like the answer anyway....so there is no point? Would I feel better or worse?

Is saying nothing more powerful?

Sorry for going on....I'd rather write what I'm feeling on here than to him. ☹I am pretty weak I suppose. X

It’s weaker to say something than it is to engage, because you know it’s not going to change anything, it takes strength to not contact him,.

I've also done a list as PP suggested and am going to keep it with me and read when I'm feeling like this.

Keep writing. Here, on paper, in your phone notes...

But NOT to him. You'll put yourself back in the cycle by sending anything further, even if it's loads of abuse he deserves.

If he replies, the cycle starts again and he has all the power.

If he ignores, he has all the power and you feel shit.

Literally NOTHING good can come from saying anything further to him.

Is he blocked on absolutely everything now?

I'm glad that you are getting angry at him and realising he is not this lovely person you thought he was.

Hang on in there

Yes blocked number...he's not on FB or WA. If I block email it will just go into spam so I get it anyway should he write.

The last time he did this a while ago I did cave and he was ever so lovely about it but thought it best we don't speak..I left it and was feeling better eventually then got a letter in the post which I stupidly responded to. Why couldn't he leave it be?!

I'm starting to think it's a control issue. Everything has to be on his terms, whenever I've expressed how I feel even in a friendship capacity he doesn't do anything to change. He can tie me up in knots and he knows it!

He's always given me massive sob stories....wants pity, his life is so hard etc. I feel like he's an emotional leech. I have been very sympathetic and tried to help but then I just get dropped again.

It's never been equal. I just feel so used.

You have been used!!!

He's an emotional vampire in a lamb skin!!!

Post on here as much as you like . If it stops you messaging him it has to be a good thing.
Please don’t ever think he’s being ever so lovely . He likes how you make him feel , which is wanted ,and listened too . Everything is on his terms .
If you reply to his email , he will reply to yours , and so the cycle continues .
No contact is the way to go ,
You want it to get easier , it will , it definitely will , in time .

dontletitbeyou I think that's where I've gone wrong. Because he isn't outwardly horrible or nasty and always appears to be so lovely and calm it's harder to spot the nastiness behind the words.

I do take people at their word unfortunately and that's where I have gone wrong.

If most people aren't interested they just have the decency to go...they don't deliberately lead you on for months.

He's been manipulative....the sob stories are just there for effect.

Hope you are ok @Pinotgrigio33
It wasn't clear from reading through your thread whether you had only actually met up with him twice? And the rest had been in text/phone. After a year you shouldn't have been in any doubt as to whether you were in a relationship or not (it sounds like not). I think a good lesson to take away from this is not to be scared to have the conversation about what the relationship is and where you both want it to go in time.

It sounds like he enjoyed the attention and having you as an emotional crutch but there weren't any genuine feelings on his side.

I had an on off relationship for 5 years. Ended it so many times and always ended up being sucked back in. Each time the offer was less but I'd take it over not having him at all. I'm very ashamed to look back at that time and how I allowed myself to be treated.

I'm often a broken record on mumsnet but can't recommend reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to you enough.

Thanks notcool

We have been in touch for a year but at first it was just friendly....no real plan to meet.

Before lockdown he said he would like to see what could happen and we went on a date and had a great time. Lockdown was about a week after so we kept in touch via phone/ video call for about 3 months. When lockdown eased he said he didn't think it would work out blah blah so I left him to it.

I then heard back a few weeks later what a mistake he had made so we went out again...had a great time. He's been calling me about 4 times a day up until this happened saying he can't wait to see me, making future plans ( vague...no actual dates...just excuses) but adamant he wants to.

It's all talk but he's taken up so much of my time that I do feel a loss of some sort and very led on.

So I called him out the other day and his lack of enthusiasm said all I needed to know. It's all about attention, control and an ego boost for him.

Even though he's blocked there is a chance he may write to me again but I need to focus on the actions...not the fake words. If he actually cared as he says he would be on my doorstep not my email.

I feel such a fool trusting him. Keep going through being upset and missing whatever it was, to really annoyed and wanting to tell him and just thinking he doesn't deserve me.

I would rather he was honest with me but I guess some people just aren't honest as it doesn't produce the gains they would like.

So I think he deserves a piece of my mind and to be held accountable really....but as everyone has said there's no decent outcome for me and he will hold all the power.

I'm focusing on it takes more strength to ignore and not contact and hope that's the right thing to do. I just feel a but wimpy not defending myself ☹

Totally agree that going no contact gives you back the control. You stop wondering if and when they will get in touch. What they might say. How you will reply. It's very freeing to just know it's done. The bloke I mentioned below got in touch after a year or two a few weeks after we both were in the same bar. I felt sick. I spent a whole night imagining the best response etc. But I knew there was no good to come of it if I opened myself up in anyway so I just deleted the message. It felt very empowering. A real break from our well established pattern.

I understand the idea that they should know how they've made you feel etc. But the truth is they don't care. The feelings weren't reciprocated. They are used to being in control and having you at their beck and call. Of manipulating you with sob stories and telling you what a nice guy they are.

Make lots of plans. Keep busy. Read mr unavailable and the fallback girl.

I forgot when I did call him out he said it made him feel UNCOMFORTABLE. So basically he had wanted to see me etc...except now I've made him feel uncomfortable he doesn't.

Yes but you know that is a lie right . If he wanted to he would have picked up the phone , called you , arranged a time , place etc and been there . Turned up early in fact at the thought of seeing you .
But , he didn’t . He gave you a ‘oh what a shame , if only I’d have known ‘ .
You’ve made HIM feel uncomfortable, poor likkle bunny . He doesn’t like it when the woman he has been messing about for the last year finally calls him out on it .
Not only is he not ever so lovely , or a bit lovely , he’s a manipulative little thing isn’t he. I think what you will find is he’s having a sulk because he’s been busted for being a time waster . Keep that list handy , and stay focussed . Remember this , he WANTS you to resound to his email . Isn’t it time he doesn’t get what he wants . He doesn’t want things to end badly ? Shame , he should have thought about that before lying and leading you on . Tyre kicker !!

I've just got another email...

"Are we fallen out...can I just check"

Fucking hell.

If it's a yes no response will be sufficient.

He's really trying to guilt trip me.

It doesn't sound like you are going to get a nice proper relationship with this man.He has a weakness of character, and thinks that you should just put up with his ways maybe. Only you know, if you are willing to stick around with him, as many women would not.

Seriously, ignore . Reply and you will be back in his little game before you know it . He doesn’t want you , he hates the fact that it was you have decided you have had enough of him . You’ve taken the control away from him . He hates the loss of control . I honestly would not give him the satisfaction of a reply. If you don’t break away now be prepared to wave goodbye to many more years of wasted life . You don’t get to live your life over .
It’s up to you now ,