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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 09:35

I'm not going to contact him.

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask directly if he means what he's been promising. He couldn't answer / said no so he doesn't deserve anymore of my time.

I'm not going to lower myself. I said my bit, was upset but that's it now. He obviously doesn't like being challenged.

I'm hurt but it's for the best, I don't want to waste my time on someone so noncommittal.

It's just upsetting / frustrating how much I've put up with that he takes no responsibility for. All correct though....he deserves not a second more of my time.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 09:40

Honestly please don’t contact him again, I know it’s hard but it’s done now. We have been telling you since you first posted this was the case, it was easy to see from the outside, but because you want something different to be true you were and are still hoping.

Just don’t do this any more, don’t contact him any more, it’s not going to happen with him, I’m sorry,

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 10/09/2020 09:40

Well done for ending it Pinot , he sounds like a proper flaky fucker....you honestly are so well rid of him.....stay strong, we are all behind you....a lovely policeman once said to me when I was getting a barrage of abuse from an ex “ do not reward him with conversation “..... I’ve never forgotten that....so I didn’t...good luck and look forwards not back xx

TorkTorkBam · 10/09/2020 09:50

It's just upsetting / frustrating how much I've put up with that he takes no responsibility for

He is not responsible for your past decision to put up with it all. You accepted it. Now you don't. You have agency, you have control.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 09:53

I won't bluntness. I'm glad I brought the conversation forward really as had had enough waiting around as to if he could see me. At least now the anxiety can go...

Yes PP ( sorry can't see username when typing) wise words from the policeman.

Thank you all for your support...it'smaking me feel a lot better and like I'm not crazy ...x x x

OP posts:
KatySun · 10/09/2020 10:19

You are really not crazy Flowers
And at least it was only a year of your life, which is really truly not as bad as it sounds.

user1481840227 · 10/09/2020 13:34

Sorry for being so harsh yesterday @Pinotgrigio33
I hope you see now that it's because it was very clear to see to all of us posters how this would pan out.

You need to be aware that most likely he will try to contact you again, guys like this nearly always do, it doesn't matter how badly it ended, they have no shame!!

You will probably be tempted to check blocked messages and so on, that is normal after that type of intermittent reinforcement, especially if you want an apology or him to acknowledge how badly he treated you or so on..BUT he won't have changed and you will be going back into the same cycle again.

As for it being a year of your life, yes it sucks...but if you can use this experience to make sure you NEVER put up with being treated like this again then it will have been a year well spent. Some women waste a lot longer on guys like this and sometimes repeat similar situations with the next guy...because they're so used to it.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 13:38

Agree, he will likely try to contact you again when he thinks enough time has passed and you’re over it. You need to stay blocked. Because you know he’s just using you as an ego boost. It’s not going to change, he’s not going to fall madly in love. And the next time he will pretend even less.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 13:44

Thanks guys...so I have an email.

Apologising for hurting me...blaming the distance ( it's not it's his lack of effort) and saying he understands if I want to go no contact for a bit but he doesn't like the way it ended.

I want to say it's not the distance it's him being lazy. Do I reply?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 13:47

No just leave it op. Honestly. Cmon, you can’t be that desperate for any attention from him, you can’t still be thinking it will change. And an hour is nothing, it’s not distance, you know this. The dudes not interested.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2020 13:49

Don't bother replying. Just block and delete him every which way.

When you block and delete his number...you won't be able to contact him by phone or text unless you've memorised his number.

He ain't worth it.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 13:50

I know that but I feel he's trying to let himself off the hook here.

I don't know if best to ignore or to put him straight and say I want permanent no contact.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 10/09/2020 14:02

My DH lived 200 miles away but it didn't stop us getting together.

Forget trying to convince him, he's hearing you but isn't interested in listening to you. You need to remember that ACTIONS speak louder than words. His actions (or lack thereof) tell you he doesn't care, he just wants to you to make him feel better because it felt unpleasant when you called him out on being a shit. Don;t think you'll ever get the last word. So show him by your ACTIONS that you're done with his games by refusing to engage further.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 14:12

Yes cat it's obvious he is just wanting me to say it's okay, agree with him re distance and not 'fall out' as he hates being the bad guy.

I have so much to say but as you guys think it's wasted on him. He won't change, won't listen, this email is purely to make himself feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 14:16

Thanks user I didn't think you were being harsh...it's all good advice and what I need to hear x

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 15:10

Op, all you’re doing by replying is prolonging it. You know he will respond again, and then you’re back in that loop.

It’s up to you but you’re worth more and this guy isn’t suddenly going to become interested.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 15:20

I'm not replying....I've deleted the email.

It will just get back to the merry go round it was before so I'm ignoring.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 15:48

Good luck, if you hold strong you’ll get free and then can find someone who is interested, hold onto that.

Rgy3250999 · 10/09/2020 15:58

Keep going Pinot! It will get easier. Just make sure you block him so his ways of contacting you are restricted and you won’t have to keep seeing these messages. They might seem comforting now in that you’ve not lost that contact but this is toxic and is doing you harm in the long run x

KatySun · 10/09/2020 16:06

Give him a month and I bet he is back trying to reel you back in. So you need to be strong and remember why you made the decision not to continue this. You deserve better!

All the best Flowers

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 16:08

Thanks....it's helping me a lot reading these.

I know he basically wants me there in this convenient texting phoning relationship with no commitments...unless he occasionally feels like it. Who doesn't want emotional support on tap!

I've never ignored him like this before...I even feel a little guilty which is crazy. As someone said though I've got to show by my actions he can't get the benefits of me whilst keeping me at such a distance.

OP posts:
Rgy3250999 · 10/09/2020 18:16

He does need to realise that but also you need to be prepared to stand firm and not go back to him when he promises you he wants to try again. It will be bollocks again. The lesson he needs is that he treated you badly and he lost you...permanently! You’re the one who got away because of his actions.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 18:30

I'm feeling very wobbly...I've ignored his previous message. It's because he always words everything so well...that's all it is though words.

I just have to hold the thought of last night how upset I felt when he wouldn't say he wanted to see me and every other time he's let me down and broken promises.

He's led me on such a merry dance...and no I'm not going to go back as we were just being online and phone friends.

He has such a alway of wording things and pretending he cares.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 10/09/2020 18:38

I feel guilty for ignoring him and I shouldn't!

I just want this to get easier

OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 10/09/2020 19:10

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I can sense the pain you’re in through your posts.

I was in a similar situation and am almost 6 weeks post “split”. Just want you to know that there are people who know what you’re going through and are thinking of you.

The feelings you’re having will lessen and then pass. We will be happy again. Much love x

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