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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Him or his ex

339 replies

Pinotgrigio33 · 02/09/2020 18:22

Hi...I'm new but could really do with some advice, especially to stop myself making a mess up of this situation.

I've been friends with a guy for a year or so who I met online. Initially we agreed we were too far away but we always kept in touch. I have always been more into him than he is me ☹

Recently we have been on couple dates.

My issue is his ex / or him. He has his kids most if the time and his ex just seems to do as she pleases. He is a good dad but he just can't seem to say no to her / have any backbone.

We were meant to meet tonight but his ex said she wanted to do something so he just went along with it... no real apology to me.

He just panders after what ever she wants...won't say he has plans if she needs to swap nights . He moans to me how bad she is but won't seem to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just sad about being let down again tonight.

Advice welcome please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 15:51

V true Sandy good things to remember there

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/09/2020 15:57

they still jointly own the home ( but live apart) so as it's half her home she won't allow babysitters!

Eh? But he lives there by himself (with the DC) does he not? If he's paying her £1k a month to have her own property she has no more right to dictate who enters the old family home any more than he can dictate who enters the house she now lives in.

Forget any other issues, none of what this man is telling you adds up and I'd be extremely suspicious tbh.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 16:02

They have 2 properties but she is still named on the main house I believe. I'm not sure if they both own both but they live apart.

I can see what rubbish this all is. I have been very distant the last couple of days. I am 100% going to bin off on Monday if no mention of meeting when he has a child free night.

It will be difficult even though that sounds so silly.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 09/09/2020 16:08

@MyCatHatesEverybody

they still jointly own the home ( but live apart) so as it's half her home she won't allow babysitters!

Eh? But he lives there by himself (with the DC) does he not? If he's paying her £1k a month to have her own property she has no more right to dictate who enters the old family home any more than he can dictate who enters the house she now lives in.

Forget any other issues, none of what this man is telling you adds up and I'd be extremely suspicious tbh.

She lives in a house that he apparently bought for her too, yet she also jointly owns the house he lives in, he gives her 1k a month in spending money and yet still won't get a babysitter because she won't allow it.

It's a load of nonsense.

I'm bowing out now because the OP is giving him another chance on the weekend...and if he does manage to pull through and spend some time with her to keep her sweet that's going to encourage the OP to keep going along with this when he goes back to making no effort at all. I can see the OP coming back on here in a few months and us all remembering this thread and asking why she's still in this situation!!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/09/2020 16:27

I think you've fallen foul of the sunk costs fallacy... you've invested so much emotional time and effort over the past year that you can't accept it's all been a waste of time. There's nothing that this weekend can do other than suck you back in for another few months of fucking you about if he does indeed see you this once. And if he doesn't see you I predict you'll do what you've done thus far and simply keep sinking the bar for what you'll accept off him lower and lower to accommodate his excuses because this ex-obsessed emotional user should have been dumped ages ago.

Not having a go, I just feel sorry that you don't think you're worth more than the scraps he gives you.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 09/09/2020 16:53

@Pinotgrigio33

Thank you for all the advice so far.

So he has been having issues this week with childcare etc...but...he had last night free and didn't take the opportunity to see me.

I would usually back off but he's in touch all the time, phoning me checking in on me etc.

I feel stuck, I want to say what I think but I don't want to lose him ☹ I don't think saying anything will achieve anything so I'm going down the route of brief replies, and not making a bit deal out of it.

Was very upset he didn't see me last night when the opportunity arose. I said I wasn't feeling great and was going to bed so he tried calling and was really worried about me.

He does care I think...but just puts no effort in. Previously if a man isn't interested they just fade away but he is in touch with me all the time.

Help ☹☹ I don't think he has any idea how this is coming across.

“He was really worried about me”

Sorry you’re clutching and straws. It’s easy to make a phone call. He puts in no other effort. You’re his pen pal.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2020 18:05

I think you works benefit from some therapy to understand and learn more about yourself. Understanding why you continue to remain in a relationship when you aren't getting your needs met. At the end of the day, a lot of people will use you if you let them or at least take advantage.

Why you are agonising over this, when a future with him sends hopeless.

This is the stage you decide whether a relationship is working for you and whether you want it to be a long term thing.

It's like the probationary period in a new job... if an employee isn't cutting the mustard, then they go.

If you're in a relationship in the future and he goes on about his ex... tell him you don't want the time you spend together in person or on the phone to be consumed by the ex... so could he keep it to himself.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 18:22

I have been thinking about that. The 2 relationships previous to this were very controlling in that they wouldn't leave me alone and it was suffocating.

I think subconsciously I maybe find him appealing as he's the opposite. Well the complete opposite- I never see him.

I'm very anxious about taking up with a controlling person again, that's all I can think of as to why he was appealing

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 18:33

I guess it's impractical anyway...he has 3 kids the youngest being 2 .....lives an hour away.

I notice he vanishes sometimes....

I think I'm a buffer and he's on the rebound. Not making me happy so going to say something should he contact me. Not heard a thing today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 18:36

I think the sunk cost fallacy is the issue here. He caught me at a vulnerable time and I've somehow become attached to him.

Ex has a new boyfriend etc so don't think they together but do think there's unfinished business on his part.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 09/09/2020 19:49

One of two possibilities:

He's not into you and using all this ex/kid drama as a convenient excuse to get away with pissing you about.

He really is in thrall to his ex and will never stand up to her, or put you first. And is a spineless weasel.

Neither are great for you.

netstaller · 09/09/2020 20:05

To be brutal OP if he was really into you he'd make time for you/prioritise you. Cut your losses and find someone who makes you number 1 x

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:19

Okay. I just fou6out he is child free tonight and he said if only I had known you are blah blah.

I've proper laid into him saying he knows fine well and his lack of effort is appalling!

I'm done

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:20

Tried ringing I've ignored. I'm not having it

OP posts:
category12 · 09/09/2020 20:22

Crap, isn't he?

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:28

Yep! Please tell me I've done the right thing 😬😬😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:35

Said my piece and ignored his calls. This is a huge step for me.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/09/2020 20:37

Yes, you're doing the right thing.

He's as limp as lettuce about this so-called "relationship".

You deserve better.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:38

Thanks. This is a huge step for me...was reading the thread and you are all right.

It's hard but I've I've actually said what I think and ignored him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 20:43

I feel anxious.....

OP posts:
category12 · 09/09/2020 20:49

Yes, you're bound to. It will pass. It does not require acting on. It is your somewhat addicted brain (intermittent reinforcement does this) telling you it needs that, but it doesn't.

Do you have any good books or computer games or crafting/art/fitness type activities you could lose yourself in? A friend you can call? Nice bath? Dance around to some music? There was a thread today about break-up songs.

kidsdrivingmemad · 09/09/2020 21:03

Not even the weekend to test him and he still doesn't make the effort.

I know exactly what will happen he'll suddenly now realise how much he likes you and will make the effort one time to meet you. This will appease you for a little while, feeding you bread crumbs and dangling a carrot. Things will go back to normal and he won't arrange to see you again anytime soon and your back to square one.

Cut your losses and run!

newnameforthis123 · 09/09/2020 21:06

End it though OP. Don't stop at ignoring because you know you'll cave, that's clear from how wobbly you're feeling about it. It's done then, or you'll be back doing this for weeks / months more on end!!

"This isn't working for either of us so I have decided it's best we stop contact. I have made up my mind so please respect that I want to move on. I'm going to block you to make it easier for us both. I wish you all the best."

Done.

Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 21:43

He hasn't called again. I feel so sad I really do. I've given a year to someone to basically be a free therapist! He can't even try and meet me. The thing that fucks me off is just say you don't want to.. don't give me " if only I'd known you are kid free".

I want to rant on at him but that's not a good idea is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinotgrigio33 · 09/09/2020 21:44

I've done something I never thought I would do tonight! I'm upset really am but it's the right thing to do ☹

OP posts:
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