How do you split finances?

[OTA1]

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

@OTA1

So I wasn't planning on having the conversation today but he started again "how much have you saved recently?"

So I told him about how I want to split finances proportionally to income. The first thing he did was say "but I only make X amount per month" (£400 less than he actually does), I said that's nonsense I've seen you payslips. Then he said "I only have £300 to myself every month!" I said "why? what are you spending money on?" "My car" I said "your car is paid off and you spend £100 a month on fuel".

He then asked me to detail where "all my money went". I said "I've worked it all out, do you want to see my spreadsheet?" () he said 'I'll look at it tomorrow". Acting normal but hasn't spoken about it since.

Why do you find this funny? He clearly doesn't love or respect you: he's lying to your face now about how much he earns/pays for things. Value yourself more and get rid of this vile man.

We have one bank account. Both our wages go in there. Our bills come out of there. It's straightforward. We earn about the same salary around £45k each.

Op I really hope you are able to sort this out. Its certainly not right that he's putting money into his savings while you are eating away at yours.

Lots of posters have focused in on you paying 100% of the mortgage, that to me isn't the issue, plenty of couples one pays all the mortgage (SAHP, High earner/Low earner), or even just dividing bills up one paying the house one paying the running costs.
The big issue is that he's squirreling money away while you are subsidising him. He's bleeding you dry.

Forget the minor details of "I pay, he pays" when talking to him.
As a married couple, finances should be equal. You should both have equal disposable income at the end of each month and equal opportunity for savings. So it doesn't matter who pays what, providing that the end result is equal! If it's not, you might find you're financially better off without him!

@OTA1 what stands out for me here is not the issue of splitting finances (plenty of proper here having given you their own examples and you can definitely come up with 2-3 fair scenarios that work for you both), but that you let him have the upper hand in all these conversations and decisions. Why does he just get to say ‘no’ he doesn’t want to join finances and the conversation is over? Why does he need to see your spending - where is his spreadsheet showing his to you? Why does he get to work 30 hours/week by choice and bring in less, but be subsidised by you working 40 hours? And why does he get to postpone the conversation.....probably indefinitely?

I think you find it hard to stand up to him, and he is counting a bit on that. If you want to fix this, you need to both work out the plan (or 2-3 options) you are happy with, and then ALSO work out how you are going to stand up to him and force him to have the conversation. Maybe some assertiveness training? Or practice the conversation with someone else? This may sound silly, but from reading the thread I think you already have a good head on your shoulders, you just need the confidence to stand up to him and assert what is your right.

For what it’s worth, my plan I would push to implement would be:

1. acknowledgement in writing of your deposit in the flat (ringfenced). See a solicitor for the forms
2. joint account with 50:50 going in for all bills. This is because he chooses to work 30hours per week. If he did the same hours as you, then I would revert to a % split, but at the moment you are working more and should enjoy the fruits of those extra hours
3. all bills and mortgage out of the bills Account by direct debit, including paying for the shopping using the card for that account. If he doesn’t transfer $ in you’ll know and DON’T transfer in to cover him, let him deal with the companies as they call.

OP I think you have realised hat you are being naive here and need to sort this.

If I were you when working out finances, make sure you are comparing your salaries on a like for like number of hours. Your wage from your extra 10 hours per week should be yours to go straight into your saving or for you to spend as you like. If he wants the same, he works an extra 10 hours.

Then once you’ve done that, work out the proportion split.

Get an agreement in place re your house and mortgage otherwise you might as well have burned that money when you split.

Be stronger with your partner. Do t accept his no’s. It sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

And if you don’t get a resolve you like, walk away now.

Good luck sorting it all out.

No kids . Split house bills 50 50 even though I earn more .

Fair is fair

Also get Splitwise so you can track what he owes you

I don’t understand why you are brushing this off and laughing about it OP. You wouldn’t find a complete stranger fleecing you funny, and someone who is supposed to love you doing it is so much worse!!

When we first moved in together we put an equal amount of money into a joint bank account and paid for all bills out of this. He actually earns more, but I was ok with this. Then when we had a baby and I was on mat leave and not earning as much he put more money in. I think he may have also had a pat rise as well. Then we moved abroad for his job and he was paid like 50k more than me so everything went into the joint account from then on.
I guess this is just the way it is now for us, I can’t see us going back to separate accounts anytime soon
If it’s any help one of the reasons for the joint account in the beginning was that we were in sainsburys and he asked the cashier if we could spilt the shopping bill and pay on two cards. I told him I was mortified and never been so embarrassed and that his attitude to money was wired and it probably came from him being an only child.

how did it go OP 🌺