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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you split finances?

186 replies

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 10:41

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time Grin

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 01/09/2020 13:50

You have talked to him about sharing better, though.

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to.

I suggested all our wages go in here and we each transfer x amount of "fun money" for ourselves, but he wouldn't do it.

I've suggested this [pooling proportionately] too. He won't go for it.

He has plenty of scope at his work to move up the ladder or do overtime but he won't.

He won't, he won't, he won't. He knows what side his bread's buttered on.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 01/09/2020 13:50

Wow. Based on everything you have said. I would work out your income if you had a 30 hour working week ( as he chooses to do) and do percentages based on that. You work that extra ten hours so you deserve to benefit financially. This is based on the scenario you have given. I would normally give different advice.

Original poster
OTA1 · 01/09/2020 13:51

I honestly don't know how he will react when I bring this up. He will probably make all the right noises, but "forget" to transfer the cash over. He has done that in the past.

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/09/2020 13:51

Lazy and no better than a thief, what a catch.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/09/2020 13:53

Sit down and make a spreadsheet. List all outgoings and the amount / percentage you each contribute - include the mortage, deposit, re-mortgage etc etc

Work out how much you think the inequity is and give it to him. Ask him why he thinks that is acceptable and how he intends to remedy it... his response will speak volumes!

Original poster
OTA1 · 01/09/2020 13:54

@ravenmum Blush I never even noticed that. Won't won't won't, but I have to if we want to keep afloat.

That's a fantastic idea @CuriousaboutSamphire I'll ask him for his solution first and see what he says.

OP posts:
OtissReadingtoomuch · 01/09/2020 13:55

Op, if he is withdrawing cash and then spending that cash, what is he spending it on? If cash transactions you have no visibility. He could be withdrawing cash and putting it somewhere else? . Or, he could be spending it on wine, women & song! I am always dubious of people who don't like leaving paper trails or transactions that can be traced or tracked.

He is a grown man, he should pay 50/50. If he cannot afford to do that he will have to cut his cloth like the rest of us. Or, retrain and up skill to earn more. There is something about him and his finances not sitting right.

Noti23 · 01/09/2020 13:56

Dp and I have a joint account which dp pays his salary into to pay the bills. My salary goes into a savings account which we dip into once we’ve spent dp’s salary that month. We each have a separate account in our own names too. Any large purchases or financial decisions are discussed between us. Neither of us are big spenders as we’re both on low income salaries. We argue about a lot of things but we’ve never had a disagreement about money.

OtissReadingtoomuch · 01/09/2020 13:57

He is hiding something, pooling money will expose that!

holrosea · 01/09/2020 13:57

@OTA1

I'm 30s and really want to start thinking about having kids but I just know for a fact I would be paying for everything for them. That's why I need to know now whether he's going to step up financially or not.
He is not going to step up. Please, just for a moment, think of him as your sister's or your friend's partner.

If this sister/friend were saying to you "he's never helped around the house but he's stepped up since we nearly split, he works less than me out of choice so also contributes less than me, but I'm sure this is just oversight. I'm thinking I want kids but first I just need him to pinky-promise that he'll pull his financial weight." you'd be telling her to cut him loose.

Also, he is telling you who he is: he never helped with the housework just to help out and to take responisbility for a shared living space. He did it because you cracked the whip. He's not redressed the financial imbalances and is using you to facilitate his £700/month personal savings account, and it's not clear that he even wants to redress the situation. It's down to you, again.

Can you imagine this applied to nursery shopping? Cot building? Name registering? Nursery and school registering? Birthday parties? Family days out? Family holidays? Moving house?

He's not been engaged up until this point, do you honestly believe that he will willingly change?

blanchmange50 · 01/09/2020 13:57

My friends are married and maintain separate accounts and split everything 50/50. What your DH is doing is unfair, he is slowly allowing you to pay more, if he doesnt want to pool money then fine. Tell him its a 50/50 split but you will pay more towards holidays etc.

RhymesWithOrange · 01/09/2020 14:01

Is your deposit protected???

ravenmum · 01/09/2020 14:02

@OtissReadingtoomuch

He is hiding something, pooling money will expose that!
He's not even hiding it; he's doing it in plain sight.

These "joint savings" you mention, is that something you both contribute to? In what way are they joint? Does he withdraw cash from there?

Original poster
OTA1 · 01/09/2020 14:05

@RhymesWithOrange No, its not. Again, this is not something I gave much thought to back then. "Everything we had, we will split 50/50 because we are a team, a partnership." Everything bar his wage, apparently. Hmm

OP posts:
22WR · 01/09/2020 14:06

We do a percentage basis. So I earn 60% of the household income so I pay 60% of the household outgoings.

It seems to work for us, as it means we each have a decent amount of money to ourselves left over that we do what we wish with.

Lazypuppy · 01/09/2020 14:07

I will never pool my money with dp.

We have a joint account for all joint bills we put in percentage of income (so i put in 60% he puts in 40%).

Rest of our money is to do with what we like. We each save our own, and then when we book holidays or make big purchases we buy together -but again proportions

OtissReadingtoomuch · 01/09/2020 14:07

@ravenmum and what is he spending all the cash withdrawals on?

MadeForThis · 01/09/2020 14:08

If he has a massive amount in personal savings then he should at least transfer the missed mortgage money or an agreed amount into your joint savings. Why should the money be in his sole account??

You need to have an honest discussion about how much money is in every account you both have.

Work out the bills and set up a new payment arrangement.

He needs to transfer the 3 months food money to you. That was his bill and he hasn't paid it. Yet.

ravenmum · 01/09/2020 14:08

Well, I can see why you are reluctant to break up. This is the sunk cost fallacy in more ways than one. Sorry for your situation. Flowers

ravenmum · 01/09/2020 14:09

[quote OtissReadingtoomuch]@ravenmum and what is he spending all the cash withdrawals on?[/quote]
Putting it in his private savings account, ready for when he leaves?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/09/2020 14:12

You’re hiding onto nothing, OP.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 14:13

PLEASE listen to holrosea here. That is 100% spot on. You're wasting time giving him chances. Why? Because he should be doing this off his own back if he were really about a partnership. Listen to yourself here! You already know if you have kids with this cocklodger you'll be paying for everything?! C'mon, you're 30, not 45, you do not need this expensive a sperm donor, which is what he would be.

He's working 30 hpw and managing to save £700/month because you are enabling it. He will not 'step up' and you shouldn't have to make him. He should want to.

There's no 'chat' or 'conversation' or 'sit down' to have with him other than, This relationship has run its course and we need to sell the house. You need to pay your share of the mortgage. This relationship is over.

He'll resist, not because he loves you but because he loves himself most of all.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/09/2020 14:14

You could try what MadeForThis suggested but that could only work with someone reasonable. But if he were reasonable you wouldn’t be in this situation.

Try to get your money back and then get rid asap to start looking for someone you can have kids with.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 14:15

@ravenmum

Well, I can see why you are reluctant to break up. This is the sunk cost fallacy in more ways than one. Sorry for your situation. Flowers
Yep! He's not ready to adult, OP. Wake up and smell the coffee.
RhymesWithOrange · 01/09/2020 14:15

[quote OTA1]@RhymesWithOrange No, its not. Again, this is not something I gave much thought to back then. "Everything we had, we will split 50/50 because we are a team, a partnership." Everything bar his wage, apparently. Hmm[/quote]
You need serious legal advice. Do you have a record of your deposit being paid by you?