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Original poster

How do you split finances?

186 replies

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 10:41

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time Grin

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 01/09/2020 20:39

Wow, just wow. Lazy cock-lodger - and he only pulled his finger out where he thought there was a risk you'd dump him.

You put in the deposit, you're paying 85% of bills, and he's saving all his money.

If he doesn't realise how unfair that is, I don't think he'll change.

Isthisit22 · 01/09/2020 21:15

@OTA1

Also I know for a fact he is saving a huge amount. Almost £700 per month (which no, is not finding its way into our joint savings) while I'm overdrawn 2 weeks before payday!
What?? Just stop. Stop paying more. He is using you. He will end up owning half a house that he hasn't paid a penny towards and having loads of savings while you have none AND he only works 30 hours a week. You are a mug
Isthisit22 · 01/09/2020 21:20

@OTA1

I really hope this is just a case of complacency or blissful ignorance. I couldn't stand the thought that he's doing this intentionally.
He is intentionally fleecing you. You could never treat someone you genuinely loved like this. He's watching you struggle for money whilst amassing lots of money for himself. That is not love.
LadyLairdArgyll · 01/09/2020 22:24

oh my actual gawd, OP this is awful, he has amassed a huge amount in personal savings at your expense, and he owns half the house you pay for !? You may as well just hand him your wages and walk out, because this guy has played you a blinder 😱 no wonder he came crawling back duster in hand, his Mother likely asked him to put his hand in his tight arsed pocket to pay for his keep, enough is enough OP 🌺

aa00 · 01/09/2020 22:31

We split the house mortgage every month. We take turns on groceries, one week it's me paying groceries the next week him. Individual credit cards we pay individually. House bills we go half on. Some bills come out of my account and he sends me money via Venmo app and some bills like insurance and internet come out of his account so I'll send him money for it.

FrangipaniBlue · 01/09/2020 22:34

@ivfgot2

The big problem with pro rata to salary is the mortgage - in the event of a split the house is usually divided 50/50 therefore If you are the higher earner you are going to be financially worse off as you will have paid more of the mortgage but your partner takes some of your share

Mortgage should always be 50/50

This!!

We split the mortgage and all household bills 50:50 because we both live here and use the same amount of gas, electric, water, food etc etc.

We each pay for our own cars, the running costs, mobile phones and hobbies.

I have life insurance through my job and I pay for DHs because it's me that it protects IYSWIM?!

Treats I tend to pay more towards because I outearn DH by double. So for example our next holiday we have paid for equally but DH doesn't know yet that I have paid the extra to upgrade our flights as a treat.

We have completely separate accounts, mortgage comes out of DHs and all bills come out of mine because at the minute they're pretty much equal.

FrangipaniBlue · 01/09/2020 22:37

We do have a joint savings account though that we use when saving for something specific like big holidays.

We work out how much what we're saving for is going to cost and put half each in every month.

RhymesWithOrange · 02/09/2020 07:02

Hope you are okay OP. Do you have someone trustworthy IRL to talk to?

Hiddenmnetter · 02/09/2020 11:04

Hrmm we have fully joint finances. My wife doesn't pay much attention to it, so I run it, but our pay goes into joint accounts that we both have access too. The mortgage and finance account gets topped up by my pay and what is left goes into our monthly spending Monzo pots (groceries, cleaner etc). My wife gets paid and her pay tops up the bills account and anything left over goes into savings/specific pots like holidays and stuff. Our spending money is a fixed sum that goes weekly into the Monzo pot and that's what we have to spend week to week (£180/week for the family). So rare that we can have a night out or whatever, but if I get some overtime or she gets some bank work we can do treat stuff. My pay outdoes hers by around 2:1 but it's all 100% into the same melting pot.

I think that you have separate finances is not necessarily an issue but that he has savings while your are into overdraft is absurd and he needs a good kick up the backside. Given the precariousness of the relationship I would be inclined to say "if we are having separate finances then I expect you to put 50% into the mortgage and bills, it is unjust for there to be this kind of financial disparity".

HollowTalk · 02/09/2020 11:17

I'm really, really shocked at this. I would have lost all respect for him and his cocklodging ways and would separate, and see a solicitor about the house.

Why on earth do you want to share finances with this selfish bastard?

ChanceEncounter · 02/09/2020 14:52

Be wary of this. I know someone who knew nothing of their partner's finances - they amassed 000's in their saving account which of course they waltzed off with when they split Shock

Sourdo · 02/09/2020 16:02

We both get paid into our own bank accounts, then we pay out of them into a joint bills account and a joint leisure and savings account for family expenses. DH earns a lot more than I do, but part of my job (unpaid) is to rear our young children. So we each are left with the same amount of disposable money in our own bank accounts after everything has gone out. We give ourselves 250-300 each per month to spend as we like. It's all equal but we both have financial independence too. It works for us, DH may disagree as he didn't want to pool finances at all for a long time, which was ridiculously unequal and selfish.

Original poster
OTA1 · 04/09/2020 18:11

So I wasn't planning on having the conversation today but he started again "how much have you saved recently?"

So I told him about how I want to split finances proportionally to income. The first thing he did was say "but I only make X amount per month" (£400 less than he actually does), I said that's nonsense I've seen you payslips. Then he said "I only have £300 to myself every month!" Hmm I said "why? what are you spending money on?" "My car" I said "your car is paid off and you spend £100 a month on fuel".

He then asked me to detail where "all my money went". I said "I've worked it all out, do you want to see my spreadsheet?" (Grin) he said 'I'll look at it tomorrow". Acting normal but hasn't spoken about it since.

OP posts:
LadyLairdArgyll · 04/09/2020 18:22

yeah... silence... he's hoping the conversation goes away more like 🙄

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 04/09/2020 18:25

[quote OTA1]@OnlyFoolsnMothers no children. Both work full time. Him 30hpw me 40hpw.[/quote]
Why is he only part time

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/09/2020 18:35

Can you get 12 months worth of payments?

Ask him to do the same!!!

He’s like mummy promised a lolly and now can’t have it!

He’s definitely up to something.

I’d ask his to sign to say you paid the deposit and it’s covered should you need to sell the house. A solicitor will do this for you.

tribpot · 04/09/2020 18:38

What you spend all your money on isn't relevant - what needs to be discussed are the household expenses, and how these are divided. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by him criticising how much you spend on your own things, whatever they may be - books, makeup, whatever. I hope your spreadsheet focuses on the household budget and, if so, don't wait until tomorrow - email it to him. He's going to make it as difficult as possible for you to have this conversation with him.

combatbarbie · 04/09/2020 18:48

He doesn't want to combine finances and have even fun spends then he pays 50% of the bills..... Simple as that. I think he is taking you for a mug.

combatbarbie · 04/09/2020 18:51

And tell me that the 33% deposit that you put in is ring fenced

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/09/2020 18:59

@OTA1

So I wasn't planning on having the conversation today but he started again "how much have you saved recently?"

So I told him about how I want to split finances proportionally to income. The first thing he did was say "but I only make X amount per month" (£400 less than he actually does), I said that's nonsense I've seen you payslips. Then he said "I only have £300 to myself every month!" Hmm I said "why? what are you spending money on?" "My car" I said "your car is paid off and you spend £100 a month on fuel".

He then asked me to detail where "all my money went". I said "I've worked it all out, do you want to see my spreadsheet?" (Grin) he said 'I'll look at it tomorrow". Acting normal but hasn't spoken about it since.

Wtf he's hassling you for more money (because his savings are his and obviously yours is to share Hmm) and then lied to your face that he earns £400 less than he really does. He sounds like a prince - appropriate really as he obviously thinks he's something special.

What now OP?

RhymesWithOrange · 04/09/2020 19:04

I don't understand what's stopping you from having a normal conversation about this.

If he wants more spends he needs to earn more wages. You're not his mum doling put his pocket money.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 04/09/2020 19:09

@OTA1

So I wasn't planning on having the conversation today but he started again "how much have you saved recently?"

So I told him about how I want to split finances proportionally to income. The first thing he did was say "but I only make X amount per month" (£400 less than he actually does), I said that's nonsense I've seen you payslips. Then he said "I only have £300 to myself every month!" Hmm I said "why? what are you spending money on?" "My car" I said "your car is paid off and you spend £100 a month on fuel".

He then asked me to detail where "all my money went". I said "I've worked it all out, do you want to see my spreadsheet?" (Grin) he said 'I'll look at it tomorrow". Acting normal but hasn't spoken about it since.

Wake up and smell the napalm! This guy is fleecing you and he knows it. He knows it and is lying to you. You're paying to keep him and providing him with sex, too. C'mon, no one is this desperate for a shag and a relationship surely. He never going to step up financially, he's well into adulthood and sponging off his girlfriend, working part-time. When someone really loves another person they don't need chances to step up and be told how to once they are well into adulthood, it's not hard to figure out and you do so because you're a grown up and want a grown up relationship with someone you love.
madcow88 · 04/09/2020 19:13

The cynical person in me world argue he is earning more than he says he is if he refuses to share money!

BashfulClam · 04/09/2020 19:32

We worked out our bills to the penny. We also included an amount for food and groceries (£100 a week, we spend less but it gives us a buffer). We then worked out what % of our take home pay the bills added up to. If it was 58% we put 58% of our wages into the account. All bills, food and household items come from the joint account. We both pay our own travel, contact lenses, mobile contracts etc.

Rgy3250999 · 04/09/2020 21:10

Oh gosh, what a situation! I can see why you did what you did with the deposit and thinking it was a shared pot but when he is asking about you providing savings, knowing he contributes so little and then blatantly lying about his earnings and not wanting to discuss his spending, this isn’t what you thought it was! You’re being used and every month that goes by, he is taking more and more.

When he said he would look tomorrow, why aren’t you insisting he looks NOW because you’ve had enough? I’m hoping for your sake that he’s just enjoying having lots of spending money but actually intends to stick with you, because if not, you stand to lose so much of what you’ve worked for! If you have to start again with someone else, how will this impact you having a family and all the expense that comes with that! You work hard (harder than him) and need to be prioritising you and protecting your assets! Think with your head and not your heart. Don’t allow him to put this off - he sorts it now and probably should put a good chunk of his savings in your joint account to make up for this, or I would split and cut my losses!