How do you split finances?

[OTA1]

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

I am subbing him massively, to the extent that I'm chewing through my savings and into my overdraft every month!
Ever thought that maybe you're his cash cow?

Yes, ensuring he comes out the relationship in a better position than when he entered it. He is using the cash for something
and does not want it tracking.

Op, you are worth so much more than this. Start recouping some of your money back and split. If you have children and have to reduce working hrs etc you could be relying on this man for a period of time. And... find out what he is spending the cash withdrawals on. The key lies there i am sure.

Won't won't won't, but I have to

You really don't have to, you are actually choosing to work ten more hours a week than him, choosing to allow him to work part time, only recently making him step up on the household front, choosing to allow him to save £700 / month while you choose to use saving and go into overdraft.

If that doesn't put you off him, what would?

Your arrangement is hugely unfair, I couldn't imagine not knowing what he's doing with such a large amount of savings.

Thank you all for your replies. This is a lot to think about.

It gets worse you paid 33% deposit and it’s not ring fenced plus he’s never paid to the mortgage!!
You are buying him a house!!
Get to a financial advisor and protect yourself 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

You are paying to have this man in your life, you are literally going into debt to keep this overblown pet. Think of that. Long and hard. Because it's the truth.

He sounds terribly selfish. Also, you are working more hours hence increased salary. Bills need to be calculated in total then split (ratio or 50:50, whichever you're both happiest with). I would even backdate (if it were me) to ensure that I was compensated for being overdrawn whereas he has managed to accrue savings. Completely unacceptable, I wouldn't accept that. Good luck putting yourself into a stronger financial position, you never know what's around the corner.

I am not a fan of unequal contributions to the bills unless someone is looking after small kids.
So I would suggest a nice and simple solutuon:
You both transfer the same amount each month to your join account that would amount to a half of
Utility bills
Council tax
TV license
Internet/TV
Insurance
Rent/mortgage
Estimated food budget

Leave his income alone, don't force him into pulling the money together. If it leaves him with less so be it.
You can potentially look into contributing more for holidays or days out if you are feeling generous

I was thinking his change was extraordinary, in terms of housework. He was so remorseful and I can't tell you how much he has changed. I'm not exaggerating when I say I rarely have to do the dusting/hoovering/day to day stuff. And every weekend since I took him back, he has asked me if I'm still happy and if I still feel he is doing enough around the house, and whether he could be doing more.

I thought he had really turned a corner. Now I'm not sure if he's just doing this to keep me sweet and biding his time....

@OTA1

Thank you all for your replies. This is a lot to think about.

I'd imagine this is a total headfuck.

You came on for advice about how to make him act like an equal, respectful partner nudge him into paying his own way and have found yourself under a cold shower of reality.

As @RhymesWithOrange and @ravenmum say, get yourself to a financial advisor. Dig up ANYTHING you have from the time to trace the original 33% deposit (bank transfer, bank statements, any emails that detail the deposit and who's paying). Dig up as many records as you can to demonstrate earnings, outgoings and any traceable contributions from him.

You need to prepare ourself with the facts and the figures, and be able to demonstrate that at no point did his £200/month contribution cover anywhere near 50% of outgoings.

@OTA1

I was thinking his change was extraordinary, in terms of housework. He was so remorseful and I can't tell you how much he has changed. I'm not exaggerating when I say I rarely have to do the dusting/hoovering/day to day stuff. And every weekend since I took him back, he has asked me if I'm still happy and if I still feel he is doing enough around the house, and whether he could be doing more.

I thought he had really turned a corner. Now I'm not sure if he's just doing this to keep me sweet and biding his time....

He's saving £700/month working only 30hpw and you are getting into debt and using your savings to enable him. Plus working FT. Of course he's doing it all to keep you sweet.

Would you even do this to a friend? Expect to live in a houseshare and not pay your fair share? Expect the other to do all the life and housework unless threatened with having to move out? Be okay with your friend being in debt so you could skive out on bills including the rent/mortgage? No? Didn't think so. Then why accept such behaviour for yourself?

He's having you on.

Wow. And you think he will be upset to realise ... you’ve been paying for him for years and allowing him to save and you realising that would cut into his savings and fun money?
If a solicitor says the house is half his, my only acceptable options would be he transfer half his savings back and a number of bills transfer into his name, or you borrow the equivalent of his savings (& if you won’t tell you guess, and if he says he worked hard to save, point out you also worked hard, earned more, he knows you havent splashed it out on expensive things, your expenses are teachable as online while his cash isn’t, and he knows you have paid all these joint costs and he hasn’t, so a 10 year old could see that you have funded his savings.) , if he won’t tell you how much guess, and be generous to yourself , and the increased mortgage is added to the joint bills pot (half of which are now in his name)

It must kill your libido dead to think how happy he is to profit off you.

Dusting doesn’t pay the bloody mortgage, of course he’s keeping you sweet so you don’t ask for money!!
He pays half the mortgage and splits EVERY other expense or he goes.

@holrosea headfuck doesn't even begin to cover it!

OP it's possible he is just thoughtless, that he doesn't think about the inequality of expenditure, house equity etc. because he genuinely thinks you will be be together forever and it doesn't matter who's bank account it's in.

Or he could be feathering his own nest at your expense/risk.

Mumsnet tends to be very cynical in its view. You might have a more generous outlook. Either way it's just good sense to protect yourself financially. He shouldn't see that as an issue.

[quote OTA1]@holrosea headfuck doesn't even begin to cover it! [/quote]
You're doing all the worrying here. He's not worried about this at all. He's found out a little dusting keeps you on track to subbing him.

To be honest, if this was a scam, it would probably be more clever.
I'd say he's more likely to have just slipped gradually into this situation, has got used to you paying so is reluctant to pay more, and is sticking his fingers in his ears, shutting his eyes and saying "lalala" when it comes to thinking about whether anything is fair or whether you are living within your means.

As someone else said, I would guess he's probably just not being an adult.

Even that is still really bad. A person who's childish in that way makes a terrible life partner or parent.

DP and I earn different amounts and split bills 60/40. We put a certain amount in the joint account each month which is for all bills, food, and other house expenses (any decoration etc)

We aren't married and have no kids. I expect it will change then.

In our case dp is paying the mortgage (high earner) I'm paying council tax, utilities and the cleaner, about 1/3 of the amount. We both buy food but he usually pays for dinners out whereas I would buy coffees or ice creams. At some point we can get a joint account but it's working for now and I need to get round to getting divorced at some point (get on well with ex h and didn't hurry)

I personally think if you really think of yourselves as a team, in a life partnership/marriage, there should be no "split" or difference between the joint account and personal accounts. It's all shared. Trying to keep a tally of what everyone has paid in will become increasingly problematic as life happens and people change jobs, DCs arrive etc - and for what purpose? I think it ultimately creates a separation, a not-quite-100% commitment. In my view it comes down to values - if you both have the same values about what's important, it should be easy - you manage your money as one team, "who pays in what" becomes irrelevant. Completely appreciate others find a different way works for them and that's fine, this is just how I see it.

OP it seems like he's done an absolute number on you, sorry. I think you need to assess whether he's been just thoughtless and allowed arrangements to end up where they are or whether he's actually a selfish arsehole who doesn't see your lives together as a shared partnership at all.

The fact that you keep saying "he won't even consider that" to many sensible suggestions I think speaks volumes.

Here we put all wages into a joint account, all bills are paid from it (including savings) and we have the same amount of 'fun money' moved to our individual accounts.
We've been together a long time and we've done it this way regardless of who earns more however, we both work FT.

I wouldn't be happy with DH opening to work 10hrs less than me per week and expecting me to cover the difference unless he had good reason not to work FT (no dc here).
I also wouldn't be happy with the way your bills are increasing and his aren't. If he won't do contactless, you pay but either take the cash or get him to transfer the money to you or you're going to find yourself working more hours but with less money for yourself while he has everything exactly has he wants it.
Start demanding what's fair and stop subbing him! Stand there and make it awkward until he has paid / reimbursed you. Also, put absolutely nothing into joint savings, even if he suddenly steps up, until your personal savings are the same as his (or more).

The only fair way to do things imo is for you to end up with the same fun money as long as the work to make your share of the pot is equal.

I've never liked the idea of a blanket pooling of money either for various reasons.

We have our wages paid into our separate accounts but transfer a percentage into the joint 'bills' account every month.

I either out how much we need monthly and annually for household bills to come up with a figure that needs to go into that account each months. We each pay in a proportion based on our percentage take-home wage (though I've started paying in a bit more than that and DH a bit less because the difference in our incomes meant that he ended up with a lot less left over in real terms. My suggestion, I hasten to add, and he insists that I should still have a bit more than him left over).

We often still pay for things on our individual cards to get rewards points but then transfer from the joint account to cover it.

It works for us.

We do have children, btw so in practice most of our wage goes into the joint, but I still really prefer the independence of separate 'main' current account and saving account psychologically. Same for him, I think.

@RodeoDive sorry if it's too personal a question but do you mind me asking why? It sounds like a lot of admin & if you got divorced starting point would be 50/50 anyway (assuming no DC etc) so why bother? (Genuinely curious not being an arse I promise!!)