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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you split finances?

186 replies

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 10:41

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time Grin

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 01/09/2020 15:31

We use % share. My partner runs a budget spreadsheet for our general expenses (mortgage, council tax etc) and we both put in a % based on our income. This goes into a joint account

For living expenses like meals out, food shops etc we use a shared credit card and pay off each month.

RodeoDive · 01/09/2020 15:49

@cavagirl

No, not at all!

Practically speaking it evolved before we were married and long before we had children, so we've just sort of tweaked our existing system.

Psychologically it's not completely rational (but is a bit as I'll explain) but my parents divorced when I was quite young following a string of affairs my mother knew nothing about until he left her for the last one. Fortunately my mum had always earned a decent wage herself and was able to keep my childhood stable because of it. I have always had it drummed into me to earn my own money and keep a pot of emergency savings for myself.

I agree that on a divorce it would all be divided as per what's best for our children so wouldn't make much practical difference.

However, if (heaven forbid) my DH were ever to do anything horrendous or stupid (affair, hit me, acquire a gambling addiction, otherwise bankrupt himself...) or even have accounts frozen for a time for reasons that are not his fault at all (identity theft/victim of a scam) there is a whole pot of 'security money' that he can't immediately touch and that I have complete control over. And vice versa!

I don't ever, ever think my DH would do anything like the scenarios I've suggested but I gain a huge peace of mind from knowing that I can take care of myself and my children short- and medium-term should anything unexpected happen. It's just the way I'm wired at this point, I think!

(Possibly a big overshare there, but there we are!)

fatgirlslimmer · 01/09/2020 15:50

Oh dear I'm with the posters who think he is taking no responsibility.

However you split your money you should never have one person with savings and one overdrawn, BUT when it it the higher earner who is overdrawn there is something seriously wrong.

If he works 10 hours less than you he has plenty time to do housework and shouldn't be too thankful, its his mess too.

I may have missed it, have you actually seen his savings? Because taking cash and spending is not the best way to track money but it's the best way of hiding what you spend it on. If he used his card his spending would be trackable.

Stop subsidising him right now, I would want half the bill money into the joint outgoings account as he has the potential to earn more. (The least you want is his % of earnings ). If he doesn't want to pool the money then make sure you keep the rest of yours for yourself.

I wonder what his take would be if he was the higher earner, would he subsidise you?

Original poster
OTA1 · 01/09/2020 15:57

I really hope this is just a case of complacency or blissful ignorance. I couldn't stand the thought that he's doing this intentionally.

OP posts:
RodeoDive · 01/09/2020 16:12

Gah, I've only just seen the other OP posts.

Good grief, this nuts! OP, I hope your chat is soon and I hope it goes well!

LilyLongJohn · 01/09/2020 16:13

I earn more than my dh and the house is in my name. I pay for all the household bills, he pays for food and everything else. I'd say I probably have more disposable income than him, and it's easier for me to budget, but it works itself out most months

Cavagirl · 01/09/2020 16:17

Even if it's accidental I think you should still consider his response & what that tells you about how he views you & your relationship.
Are you really his partner? Is this someone who naturally thinks about the rest of his life with you? Does he view the two of you as a team? And does that match with how you view things too?

SBTLove · 01/09/2020 16:19

@OTA1
Stop kidding yourself!!!
He knows exactly what he’s doing, he clearly agreed to a mortgage yet pays nothing to it.
Surely after all the replies you have opened your eyes to the precarious position you are in? He amounting up savings whilst you pay for a house he can take half of, don’t even so naive, no man is worth being used like
this.

monkeymonkey2010 · 01/09/2020 16:19

I couldn't stand the thought that he's doing this intentionally
This is a perfect example of cognitive dissonance - OF COURSE HE'S DOING IT INTENTIONALLY!!!!!

Welshgal85 · 01/09/2020 16:20

Me and DP have a joint account we use for mortgage, bills, food etc and a joint savings account that we pay 50/50into regardless of how much we earn. It’s always felt fair to us.

We have our personal accounts too and I wouldn’t want to give those up. Some friends of mine just have all of their money into one account between them but it seems that it quite often leads to arguments about how much the other has spent on something for themselves!

Welshgal85 · 01/09/2020 16:29

I’ve just read through your other posts and it is totally unfair that you are subbing him so much. You should be a team and he should be paying his share! How can he try and justify not earning enough to pay his way when he is managing to save so much? I really think 50/50 is the fairest way to go as it doesn’t allow for the chance for any resentment between partners if one is having to sub the other like this. I understand that he doesn’t earn as much as you but that is on him if he isn’t happy with his salary then he could look into moving up in his career as you mention or look for another job. It’s not fair for it all to fall on you

tribpot · 01/09/2020 16:36

I just can't get past this: Also I know for a fact he is saving a huge amount. Almost £700 per month (which no, is not finding its way into our joint savings) while I'm overdrawn 2 weeks before payday!

Does he know this? Does he know that the money he's saving is being financed by your overdraft? And why on earth are you doing it?

Cavagirl · 01/09/2020 16:37

@RodeoDive thanks! No overshare Smile makes sense & I'm sorry for what happened to your mum. Actually the frozen account scenario is a really good one I'd not considered before! Food for thought...

Nyclair · 01/09/2020 16:38

I earn a little more than my OH. Rent and house bills are 50/50. I pay car car insurance (x2 cars), he pays our mobile phone bill (similar price). I pay for the majority of groceries, he buys our booze! Its swings and roundabouts to me.

jay55 · 01/09/2020 16:40

If you're not married and don't have kids then bills should be 50/50. Unless you are living in a significantly nicer place because of your salary.

If he no longer pays for the food shop he needs to take over other bills instead. You should not be going overdrawn because he likes cash.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/09/2020 17:16

Chiming in with PPs - he definitely is actively choosing to do this - Ravenmum illustrated this brilliantly with her post: multiple times he is actively choosing not to contribute more despite you asking and despite having ample opportunity to work more/earn more.

I agree with PPs that you seriously need to get legal advice. Why are you accepting so little (I mean & £200 all in food, utilities and a guaranteed share in a house is a steal - literally and figuratively in your case), yes you can have a chat but tbh I doubt it will fix it, this is who he is, he shouldn't be forced to pull his weight, he should want to without a little chat - he's an adult, he has a job, clearly he's not stupid, he knows exactly what he's doing. Sorry OP Flowers

FinallyHere · 01/09/2020 17:26

whether he's actually a selfish arsehole who doesn't see your lives together as a shared partnership at all.

He is working part time, saving £700 and letting you dip into overdraft to pay the bills. Did you also mention that he mentions that you are not contributing to your joint savings ?

How much is he contributing to the joint savings?

Goodness, who cares whether he is just thoughtless or actively selfish ? He's doing quite well out of it , isn't he?

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2020 17:31

Of course he is doing this intentionally

What does he bring to your life - he doesnt pay for anything, he doesnt do any housework, you are wasting your chances to have kids with him

He knows it isnt fair that you work longer hours, pay for pretty much everything and go into your overdraft.

There are two ways - either split proportionally to income or pool it all together and have equal spending and saving money. Or he goes OP.

WBWIFE · 01/09/2020 17:32

We put all our money together

Wwydiywm · 01/09/2020 18:10

I have to say I do not understand people who are married, engaged or have kids together not pooling money.
Why on earth would you not? Unless one of you (or both) thinks you're not going to last as a couple?
In which case why have you got married or had kids together?
I could never commit to a man who wouldn't share his money with me. Either you're a team who live your lives together or you're not.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2020 18:52

i have to say I do not understand people who are married, engaged or have kids together not pooling money two able bodied people without kids I don’t think it would be fair that one pays more than the other. Unless there was a vast difference in salary/ which isn’t often the case- why would money need to be pooled -just share 50/50.

Lazypuppy · 01/09/2020 18:53

@Wwydiywm for me its because we wat to spend our money on different things. We both earn our own money and should be able to spend it on what we want.

If we pooled our money and i saw he spent £100 on something, i would feel like i had to spend £100 to make it fair...then we would run out of money

wishywashywoowoo70 · 01/09/2020 19:30

We put into a joint account pretty much 50/50 DH a little more but I do all the cooking and most of housework etc.

Anything else is our own

We pay our own car expenses toiletries clothes and kids expenses.

I work a few less hours and earn a lower salary but I prefer we pay equally.

RodeoDive · 01/09/2020 20:03

Wwydiywm My post above in the thread might shed some light.

There are practical reasons for keeping some separate money even if you absolutely blindly, unquestionably believe that you'll be together forever (see frozen accounts).

There are also those of us who truly believe that we will be together forever (hence the marriage and children) but are aware of the divorce rate and have seen intelligent people close to us be absolutely blindsided by partners in ways no-one saw coming.

I will never be confident (or arrogant, depending on how you see it) enough to be able to say absolutely, 100% "that will never happen to me" simply because I am not able to actually climb inside my partner's mind and control his actions, and I don't think that the people who got hit that way did anything particularly differently to me.

I can understand why it sounds unromantic or even sad to some people to be so practical about the dim possibility of things not working out but I have a very happy marriage and simply take additional comfort from the independence my own little pot brings.

MarilynMonroe86 · 01/09/2020 20:32

I think this sounds really dodgy! What would he do if you couldn't work for a while? I've been a SAHM for most of my relationship with DH plus haven't worked for a while due to a fluctuating health condition. Each to their own really as to how things are split but I think it's a bad sign he is making huge savings while you're in an overdraft! You're not a cash cow!