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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you split finances?

186 replies

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 10:41

NC and posting on Relationship instead of AIBU so that I hopefully don't get a hard time Grin

I'm just wondering how people split their finances with their DPs?

DP is completely against the idea of pooling money- I've tried for years to get him to do this but he doesn't want to. Fine.

So for those who don't pool money together, how do you go about things? I outearn DP so 50/50 wouldn't be fair. Do you do % of income? I earn 63% of the "house money" so should I pay 63% of the bills?

At the moment, the bills are not split equally and even bills which are his responsibility, I seem to be paying for more and more (e.g food shop. I seem to be paying for this now because I use contactless (covid) and he doesn't)

OP posts:
holrosea · 01/09/2020 11:54

Lots of questions here (that you obviously don't have to answer publicly) but how long have you been together? Are you renting or do you own? Who's name is on the mortgage? And I assume by "DP" that you are not married.

My first live-in partner earned 2x my salary so he willingly paid 2/3 rent then all food/bill/household outgoings were split 50/50, all paid into a joint account. He paid everything to do with his car, and I eventually paid a supplement on his insurance (and fuel) when he added me. We saved 50/50 for holidays and weekends, etc..

I am having an ongoing discussion with my current partner as we earn roughly the same but are in different financial positions and he has a child. We are trying to settle on a level of proportionality that reflects both incomes and tries to mitigate the costs of 50/50 custody on my finances (that is not meant to sound heartless: nothing to do with the child but a regonition that I'd have to live in a more expensive area with one "extra" bedroom that I'd not specifically need, plus teenagers can bankrupt a food budget in under 12 hours).

In your situation I think you need hard data. It sounds as though the current split is unfair and increasingly so.

You need figures for all the outgoings, and you need to know precisely how much of these costs you are paying:
-rent/mortgage
-council tax
-electric/gas/heating
-cars (even if not shared ownership, they are used communally)
-food costs
-takeaways
-savings (bet this is split too)
-holidays/weekends away

I understand a proportional split in rent if there is a significant difference in earnings, and if there is a mortgage you need to be very careful about who's named and who's paying. However, I don't understand why an adult sharing a living space would not pay 50/50 on household and food bills. Same with any shared/communally used cars. Same with holidays (unless the higher earner has luxurious tastes and should probably sub their partner).

Once you have these figures, you can sit down with your DP and say that you don't feel the financial split is fair. You can ask him what he thinks would be fair and how you might be able to agree this between you. If you can reach an agreement, super. However, you may find that he tries to put you off the scent and in that case, fall back on your figures.

My fear is that hiw cash spending is untraceable, so he could well be saving up lots of money while you're paying for his day-to-day. He might also use his "I prefer cash" to say you're trying to force him into a financial agreement, but preferring cash in day to day use does NOT preclude him contributing to a joint account for household bills et al, or paying you back if you've paid his way 3 times in a row!

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:03

@holrosea
Thanks for your message, that was extremely helpful!
We've been together 10 years, not married. House is mortgaged in both names. As mentioned above, he only pays c/tax and food, I pay for everything else incl the mortgage.

I have noted down all the bills now, down to the last penny and am going to present this to him along with the huge amount extra I've paid!

OP posts:
OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:04

Also I know for a fact he is saving a huge amount. Almost £700 per month (which no, is not finding its way into our joint savings) while I'm overdrawn 2 weeks before payday!

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 01/09/2020 12:08

OP I would be tempted to get legal advice. Do you both have a 50% share in the house? If you are paying 100% of the mortgage then you should have a greater equity stake.

He could turn nasty once he realises you're not willing to be his meal ticket anymore.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2020 12:11

However, I don't understand why an adult sharing a living space would not pay 50/50 on household and food bills I totally agree with this tbh- unless an illness/ children etc- I think grown adults should pay their way 50/50- proportion of income to me is relevant when sacrifices are made on behalf of the family by one party

katy1213 · 01/09/2020 12:16

Sounds like he's doing very nicely thank you out of not pooling money. Why is it unfair if 50/50 leaves him with less spending money than you? You earn more - you work longer hours - you don't have children so he's not contributing in other ways. You've got yourself a cocklodger and they're expensive pets!
For starters, he needs to be repaying the food bills that he so conveniently evades by refusing to live in the C21. If he quibbles over that, frankly I'd kick him out and let him see whether his part-time job supports him in the manner to which he has become accustomed. You'll be better off for not having him to feed and the council tax will come down. You're paying the rest anyway.

VesperLynne · 01/09/2020 12:18

Never had a joint account. When I had the kids full time DH paid for everything and it took him quite a while to let-go of that mind-set when I went back to work. Now we sort of split everything between us but I suspect he's still picking up the lions share with all property maintenance , paying Elsie our cleaner and vehicle costs for both DD's. To be fair he's saved a small fortune working from home so I don't feel gulity at that imbalance but he gets payment in kind so he's a happy bunny.

OliviaBenson · 01/09/2020 12:19

Wow he only pays council tax and food? And the latter you have been paying because of contactless? He's a cockloger op!

holrosea · 01/09/2020 12:21

OMG - I was actually just typing something along the lines of "just seen that you are going overdrawn and into savings - you need to get this sorted ASAP!".

I am now of the same opinon as @RhymesWithOrange: he is a cocklodger. He definitely knows that you are putting yourself in financial peril and is absolutely letting you do so because it is to his benefit.

I modify my stance on 50/50 bills having read the many PP on how higher earners split them proporitonally, but the key is still proportionality and communication between partners. If you are nervous of bringing money up or are conflict averse, just remember that you have the hard data and you are seeking a fair resolution, not conflict.

£700/month is a RIDICULOUS amount for one partner to be able to save while the other one is covering costs and going overdrawn. In your place, I would be LIVID. As others have also pointed out, in the case of a split, the mortgage and therefore property would be split 50/50 while you have been paying 100%. It is good news that this comes out of your bank account as in any dispute, you would be able to demonstrate that you pay it.

Good luck with the conversation. He will very likely resist (I'd resist losing the ability to put away £700/month for myself!) but stick to your guns and figures don't lie.

You are both gainfully employed adults with the financial agency and standing and know-how to get a mortgage. There is absolutely NO REASON why he should not be contributing 50/50 to mortgage for a property he 50/50 owns. You may decide that a proportional split of bills is fairer for you (as per PP) but this means him setting up a DD to a joint account on the 1st of the month to cover every single shared expense.

Furthermore (I'm mad on your behalf) I'd demand back payments for all mortgage months he's not contributed to and bung it straight back into your savings account. I'd also tot up all nights out, dinners, cinema trips and any other contactless luxuries you've covered, give him an iteised list and say that either all nights out are on him until he's matched your spending, or he can tranfer it to you immediately and you'll start over on a 50/50 basis.

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:22

@RhymesWithOrange yes we both have a 50% share in the house. I have actually already sought legal advice because we were on the brink of separating a few months ago. Because all the household bills come out a joint account, there's no way of actually telling which bills we're paying towards iyswim. e.g. our c/tax is £200 so he's putting £200 into the joint account, but he can just as easily argue that this £200 is for the mortgage because that also comes out the same account.

We were on the brink of separating because as well as paying for everything, I was also doing everything around the house. He has massively stepped up with the housework so fair split of bills is the next thing which needs to change.

OP posts:
holrosea · 01/09/2020 12:23

You've got yourself a cocklodger and they're expensive pets!

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin - I am LMAO at this!

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:26

@holrosea 7 years worth of mortgage payments Grin now that, I would love to have! I have totted up all the extras I've been paying for and I LOVE the idea of everything being on him until the debt is equalised. I'm going to use that one!
Thank you.

OP posts:
022828MAN · 01/09/2020 12:26

Reading all of these payment set ups sounds exhausting.
We have a joint account that all our money goes into and we don't think twice about any of it. DH spends money when he goes out with friends, as do I.
I'd be so offended if he refused to do this, but each to their own.

katy1213 · 01/09/2020 12:27

Aarrgh, just seen about the mortgage - you never, never, never pay 100% into a mortgage that's 50% in someone else's name. This needs stamping on right now before equity builds up.
You're putting everything into this relationship. He can sail off anytime he gets itchy feet and he's got half the assets and a nice little nestegg.
Sometimes I despair of women! This situation shouldn't have been allowed to develop in the first place. If he were in the pub and kept 'forgetting his wallet' he'd soon be put in his place. Just remember - he needs you - you don't need him.

RhymesWithOrange · 01/09/2020 12:30

I just knew he'd be a lazy fucker as well OP Grin

If he's working 10 hours less a week surely he should be doing more than you?

MrsMayo · 01/09/2020 12:31

Share all money, married with a child. He earns more than me but I would to dol the same if I earned more.

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:33

Yes, things were getting really bad with the housework. I lost my rag and told him I was done. Sent him to his mums for 3 weeks and almost put the house on the market. Had another house of my own looked out ready to move into.

Thankfully he has stepped up and I can't remember last time I even dusted Grin

OP posts:
holrosea · 01/09/2020 12:33

Literally just spat out my tea - holy sh*t! 7 years of you paying 100% of the mortgage?

Jesus Christ.

Maybe don't actually talk to him about this, give me a second to put my thoughts in order but I think you need proper advice and to get him out, without giving him smoke signals about the financial situation.

Elbels · 01/09/2020 12:33

You're paying all the mortgage and the house is in both your names? That's nuts! He's got an amazing deal.

We have one joint account for the mortgage, council tax and other regular bills. We pay equally into this even though my boyfriend earns less than me.

I put a bit more in our monthly spending Monzo account and then we both have our personal saving and spending accounts. It means that I have more spending money than he does but that does sense because I'm earning more.

YankeeDad · 01/09/2020 12:35

It sounds as though the real problem the fact that he is not contributing fairly, neither financially nor to housework.

If he is adding to savings while you are spending down your own savings, and he's not contributing his fair share around the house, then of course he does not want to change the arrangement!

He will probably continue to take advantage for as long as you let him do that.

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2020 12:37

Tell him he is buying the food for the next 6 months as your broke.
Tell him you have no savings as covid meant you were buying online.
Now he has to step up.

JulesM73 · 01/09/2020 12:38

Just a thought but if he’s saving that much per month is he really earning that much less than you?

OTA1 · 01/09/2020 12:46

@JulesM73 He is able to save so much because as it stands, I'm paying 85% of our bills and he is paying 15%!!!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 01/09/2020 12:51

Why is his name on the mortgage when he's not paying and you're not married? You're giving him a house? If he dumped you tomorrow, what profit would he make?
Sorry if it hurts, but it sounds like you need it said - you're bonkers to be going along with any of this. You earn a very small amount more than him. Why are you acting like his sugar mummy?

holrosea · 01/09/2020 12:58

You’ve said a few things since the original OP that make me think that you need proper legal/financial advice and that talking to him might actually be a terrible idea (depending on what you want out of the situation).

You said that you recently sought some legal advice because you thought you were going to split. You also mentioned that he previously did nothing to help around the house until you brought it up and he’s now making an effort (many posters on here will tell you from experience that improved household help is often a temporary, superficial improvement because he knows you’ve cottoned on to the unfairness of the situation). I worry that in the case of a potential split (you’ve already been there once) then opening a discussion on the financials might alert him to your scales-dropping-from-eyes moment. I’d add that your OP suggested this covering everything was a recent covid-19/contactless development, but the fact that you’ve paid 100% of a 50/50 mortgage for 7 years shows that this has been going on far, far longer.

I would get yourself some proper legal/financial advice and base your questions on your desired outcome. I understand that you started this thread to get some ideas on achieving financial equality in household spending, but I’d argue that ship sailed long, long ago. And I don’t know how you’d go about reclaiming 7 years’ worth of money. I’d be asking myself some serious questions about what positives he brings you as a partner, and if he brings anything that is worth you carrying him on your back like a sack of coal.

See if you can get a free 30 minutes with a solicitor or find a CAB near you. Retrieve any financial records you can (including his bank/card/pension statements if you can sneak copies – probably illegal but it’s useful information). The object is to show how much you have contributed over how long, and even if he claims that his £200 was for the mortgage, it was absolutely nowhere near enough to cover the mortgage, council tax, electricity, home insurance, the bathroom you did up last year and the new carpet in the hall (for example). Assuming you are in England, check out rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ as they have lots of female-centric advice and their advice line (020 7251 6577) can advise on divorce, finances and property on relationship breakdown.

I am not sure it falls under financial abuse as he is not limiting your access to money or using it a tool to control you, but his actions (or lack of) are driving you into debt and will eventually limit your available options. It could be worth contacting your bank who will have financial abuse safeguards in place and although you don’t necessarily fall into this category, they might be able to advise you protecting your own money, squirrelling more of it away and importantly, stalling on any joint financial decisions (i.e. mortgage) in order to stop him forcing your hand. There is more information here: www.ukfinance.org.uk/financial-abuse-code-practice

Get your figures together for as long a history as you are able, and really seriously think about what outcome you wish to have before you mention any of this to him. If there is a potential for a split with a financial dispute, you don’t want to warn him. Sorry that this got so serious so soon, but having read that you’ve paid the mortgage for 7 years and are regularly going overdrawn while he sits back with £700/month in his pocket, you are at a serious disadvantage or even in deep financial sh*t should you split and lose 50% of the value of your house.