Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. What happened is a bad reflection of him, not you. You have nothing to be ashamed about

next and bbee yes! to both. Category I think the point that you are missing is that it was clearly not only chatting and bullshit to her but somethign she considered very real! Ergo the physical meeting was only the next stage in an already established relationship.

She didnt drop her principles as you so nicely put it as although this may be the first time she physically met him she had gotten to know him through apparently alot of conversation and he had told her this is what he wanted, ie a relationship. Why are you so eager to place blame on her?

How can you blame her for becoming invested on the back of his interested he appears ‘told my kids about you, my family, can see you fitting in well

Eh, what part of my post you quoted says she was to blame? Saying she is not a victim doesn’t mean the same as saying she’s to blame.

However yes, I think she bears a culpability for thinking a stranger she’s never met cared about her and was going to have a “special relationship “ with her. I don’t even know what that means, I’m assuming long term or marriage. As said, for me they both have a lessons learned here.

I’m in no way saying it’s not possible he lied and spent two weeks lying, sent her flowers and chocolate, texting and calling her, traveled an hour and went to dinner and drinks, all just so he could shag her once. I am saying it’s wholly possible he just changed his mind about the relationship after the date, Ie it didn’t feel it was something he could continue.

I don’t get why some folks find that idea unacceptable. Men and women do it all the time. They chat to someone, get all excited and then meet them in real life and feel a bit meh,

Of course he should not have had sex with her if he already knew, although he may have felt they were not sexually compatible, and it was that that finally nailed the whole episode shut, or it may have been preplanned he was staying there and he stupidly went along with it knowing he didn’t wish to continue.

However yes, he could have done all this and be a major con man just because he wanted to shag her once, or he could have meant the things he said and just not felt the connection enough to wish to continue in real life.

None of us know.

I think the point that you are missing is that it was clearly not only chatting and bullshit to her but somethign she considered very real!

She was chatting to him for 2 weeks and slept with him on the first date. Come on now, a person's got to take some responsibility for keeping her own feet on the ground. If you're "old fashioned" as she claims, even two weeks of seeing the guy every day in person going to bed together would be fast.

Category it doesnt matter if she was chatting to him for 2 hours or 2 years - the issue is that she felt there was a relationship between them. She felt that as he had told her that and she trusted him. Who are you or any of us to tell her that she she is wrong to believe someone she obviously felt a connection with. As for how soon she slept with him again I reiterate, to her this was not a first date!!! this was someone she had been talking to and felt something for. From what I gather they had been chatting for long streches at a time. My friend met someone online in a different continent. She conversed wtih him for a short period of time and when they met they married with a couple of months. She just knew it was right! was she trusting, absolutley - has it always worked for her to be so trusting - no! but she is what she is the same way the op is and doesnt deserve to have someone make her feel like a fool - either in person or online or on this forum!.

I personally have no issued with first date sex but I do have an issue with a person leading someone into it under false pretences by pretending to be something they arent.

blunt again, why blame her? culpability for what? Do you honestly think that people cannot become close online/penfriend/whatever? Also, can you answer my question from earlier re what you consider an acceptable way for a man to let you down - ie is it ok for a man to tell you he wants a relationship with you, to shag you, then "decide" its not for him, text you - not phone you or meet you just text - for your benefit of course - to ease the blow - and then block you!.

Come on!! the guy is a grade A prick! -

I don't have any sympathy for the bloke, (and I feel OK to continue the discussion because the OP has said she's left the thread tbh).

Being swept off your feet and abandoning your principles is the problem - I think women as a class do that too often - meet a bloke and overlook things, ignore our own better judgement, our own principles for the sake of the chance of a relationship. It's a symptom of being undervalued in society and undervaluing ourselves. All hail the mighty cock. That's why it frustrates me so much.

category thats the issue, she didnt abandod her principals - she slept with someone she wsa under the impression was in it for a relationship. This wasnt that she met him 5 minutes previously and with a good deal of wine imbibed decided to head home to have sex with him in the hope he may fall madly in love and run off with her.

She thought something was established between them. So therefore it wasnt "stranger" sex. Her issue with feeling so used is that she feels she has somehow cheapened herself - OP if you are reading and lurking -you didnt!. The only asshole in this scenario is him and he was not worthy of you!!

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

I would say he lovebombed her and she believed in him and all he said. She thought this was special. Everyone has their own take on this due to personal experience. The fact though is that the OP didn't ask for judgements or solutions. You haven't said anything wrong at all but others on this thread have taken it all too far.

@Charlotta20

You have said everything I would like to, and so much more eloquently than I could have done. I'm so glad there are posters like you on Mumsnet.

I was very honest with this guy about the fact that I don’t do casual sex-

But you had sex on the first date

Charlotta20, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

blunt again, why blame her? culpability for what? Do you honestly think that people cannot become close online/penfriend/whatever

I said culpability on both sides and no I don’t believe after two weeks you develop a relationship and become close with someone you’ve never met, ,,,,,,,nor should any one be encouraging anyone to think after two weeks it’s real and that if he wasn’t a con man she’d be having her special relationship now.,,and that he couldn’t possibly meet her in real life and change his mind.

You’ve gotta have some common sense.

Ok let’s reverse the genders. Let’s say it’s me, female.

I’m on line dating. I start talking to a. Guy on line. He looks attractive and my type. We start messaging and proceed to phone calls and face time.

I think he’s really nice and could see myself with him. We open up to each other, talk about our families, our lives. Agree to meet quickly, as is rhe way with on line dating, so a date In two weeks.

I tell him I could see us having a serious relationship. Make a joke he’s met someone who cares about him. Send him a birthday gift. Throw myself into it and get excited.

We agree to meet for our date mid way. He has an apartment he can use to stay. I agree to stay with him. We talk about sex. We both say we only have sex when in relationships. Sext each other and Agree to have sex on our date.

Then I meet him, and I just don’t feel it.the way he dresses, talks, in real life it’s different. I don’t feel as attracted and have doubts. We go out for dinner and the doubts escalate, but he seems nice, and I go with it. Maybe it’s just first date nerves

I go back to the apartment, we have sex, it was a mistake, and found we aren’t compatible. I decide I can’t continue and don’t want to see him again. He’s coming on heavy about our special relationship. I feel a bit scared to be honest. And know I’ve made a mistake.

I take the cowards way out and don’t communicate as much rhe bext day. Hoping he will get the hint. He eventually asks me directly and I tell him it was a great night, but I don’t see us having a relationship. I’m sorry. He tells me he is upset and feels used etc. And I block him.

Was I a lying shitty con artist gagging for a shag who lied to him just to get sex?

Because you can take the facts and interpret them two ways. One he deliberately conned her to get laid. Or he just changed his mind on meeting.

Should he have told her. Absolutely. Don’t think anyone disputes that.

I am really quite amused why women try so hard to push this victim narrative to make themselves feel good.

At its heart this is a feminist issue. People like @Bluntness100 are pointing out the agency of the OP in this. Her double standards. She wasn't assaulted or forced into anything. Why portray women as stupid and delicate little flowers who are so dependent on the goodness of men? He should have done this, he should have done that, he should have walked away, he should have let her down by phone not text. What about a woman's judgement? Why portray sex as some dirty act that women really don't want to do unless there is a promise involved? A transaction and an investment into the relationship, but not a part of getting to know a new potential partner?

So many women has fought so hard over the years to ensure that we have a choice over our bodies. This victim narrative is what holds women back. It takes away agency and responsibility from the OP. Have sex and enjoy it. Or don't have it until married. Who cares. I wasn't there, maybe the guy was some sick bastard, or maybe he was an average bloke who dug himself too deep and got cold feet. We never know. But women not owning their choices and acting naive and powerless and being dependent on men "because he said we are in a relationship" for the sake of feeling like the perfect little goody two shoes that doesn't have sex unless it is within the confines of a relationship (however bogus relationship that could be), that's really poor in this day and age.

@Bluntness100

But in that scenario.... You are assuming that looks, mannerisms and the fact that the other person isn't exactly how you imagine is the reason he ended the relationship.

You are absolutely correct in that these are totally valid reasons to end the relationship. You don't need a valid reason anyway.

But

You don't get to middle age without knowing if these things are deal breakers for you. They weren't deal breakers for the OP. She was willing to continue the relationship regardless of looks etc because she knew it wasn't important to her.

But he led her on by knowing that physical connectivity was a deal breaker to him. He didn't tell her this and she didn't assume it because it wasn't the case for her. He should have known that about himself and held back until they physically met up. He certainly shouldn't have slept with her if there was any doubt in this either.

In your scenario you were totally wrong to sleep with the man after feeling discomfort from meeting him. You are not a child, this is cruel behaviour, to sleep with someone you're not attracted to. Do you not see that?

I think there is just some folks who cannot and will not ever se a woman as being responsible for her own choices and behaviour and that she is always a victim of the man.

In my scenario no I shouldn’t have had sex with him. And I strongly suspect in real life he shouldn’t have had sex with the op.

People do Ill advised shit against their better judgement all the time.

The point is he may have changed his mind about a relationship. He may have lied, we don’t know.

The OP never called herself a victim, and she hasn't called the man names either. She came on here because she felt used, hurt and upset and her experience has been turned into some awful debate about who is to blame. This is a relationship board, a lot if us aren't perfect but ffs, this takes the biscuit.

Look, it's not the fact he changed his mind about having a relationship.

It's that he did it so quickly and so rudely after having sex and then blocked her. The very next day.

It's also because he was the one making all the moves about it being a relationship beforehand. It was love bombing as a deliberate tactic to break down her defences.

Of course he has done it deliberately from the outset. You would have to ve remarkably gullible not to velieve that.

Anavia is not a feminist issue - its a person issue. Good people dont manipulate and hurt other people for their own selfish reasons.

Can I ask that the likes of yourself and blunt actually read over your responses and ask yourself if this is helping the op, who lets be honest may well be watching this thread and afraid to comment. Yes that is correct !! AFRAID! to comment because she came on a site hoping for a bit of a hand hold and has been basically told to wise up and grow up!

You should honestly be ashamed. This thread has turned into a soap box for people like you using it to bleat on about your own agenda.

FFS would you have some respect and compassion for another human being who came on here hoping to find other women to support her. I despair of your relationships outside of this forum. What you are doing is low grade bullying tbh. I would wager neither of you 2 ladies would be as vocal with this bullshit in real life.

Blunt is third time a charm, are you going to answer my question from earlier, would you feel empowered if some guy shagged you, decided nah, not for me and to spare your blushes decided to text you to tell you this rather than call you up and tell you?

daisy thank you for the compliment.

Personally I'd far rather be texted a knock-back than have to speak to someone (or meet up with them) for it. I wouldn't want them to see or hear me hurting and then I can respond (or not) and not be on the hop.

Category to each their own, I personally would find it very disrespectful and I imagine the OP did also, considering they had clearly been conversing on an epic basis for a while.

I would find it quite sad that an adult would feel better about being texted a rejection like a teenager than given the respect of a call. Its so cowardly and low.

I never understand the absurd hierarchy where breaking up can only be done by phone call or in person, as if to drag it out and make it a bigger ordeal and drama than it needs to be, yet there's apparently no problem with large portions of relationship communication being conducted online the rest of the time.