Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

@Bunnymumy

Some ppl like the chase though. If it were about an easy shag there are plenty of ppl on apps just looking for hookups.

As the night went on, if he decided against it, he should have told her he wasnt feeling it. Not shagged her anyway.

The only way he is absolved of being a dickhead after the way he acted, is if the sex itself was so bad that it put him off a relationship. Which is possible. But let's face it, unlikely. And presumably op would have had an incline herself if this was the route of the issue.

Not saying the op made the brightest choice but I really don't get why this agenda of his behaviour as being acceptable or above board is being pushed. Because it wasn't.

Exactly! If he wasn’t feeling in on the date, why sleep with her? Just be honest do the descent thing and refuse to go back even if invited. He wanted to get his end away...

I agree with you @TableFlowerss

He wasn't completely honest and the OP knows that and is felling hurt and used.

Sadly there are men and women who act this way.

I hope you meet someone special who wants the same as you @Usedandhurt

feeling not felling!

I'm sorry you are hurting. I donththknk waiting to have sex really changes anything, unless of course we are talking months. Many men will date for several weeks to get sex if they want it.

Chalk it up to experience. As said by numerous posters, OLD is brutal. You really do need a thick skin.

When you are a decent, honest person it can be difficult to think others are not the same. Be kind to yourself x

Thanks for all your kind posts - it’s done now and you can’t Unring a bell as the saying goes. I found an old text where I said that I hoped online dating worked as I wanted to meet someone who I could care for and someone who cared for me- a proper relationship- he replied you already have! .

We appear to have very different ideas of what caring for someone entails and as bad as I feel I’d rather be me than him.

To all that are at pains to point out my self pity/ stupidity / old fashionedness- cheers to you also - I’ve learnt something from you!

You're not old-fashioned, you shagged him the first time you met him.

But anyhoo.

I’m sad to say that I’m going to hide this thread now - I’ve never thought I would do that but I’m going to. I feel very low and therefore I’m focussing more on the negative posts - that’s not going to help . taking the advice of some of you that I need to take responsibility for myself and my decisions I’m going to hide and step away.

Im so so grateful for all you kind people who took the time out to reply and comfort me- it means slot more than you might think.

@category12 is there any need? Are you always the type of person who likes to stick the boot in? If so, evaluate why.

I whole heartedly agree with your title to this thread. He did abuse tour trust as you made it very clear that you thought you were entering into a relationship with him. The very best case scenario is that he was also feeling the same as tou but perhaps he felt you didn't quite connect and was too cowardly to tell you in person.

The most likely scenario is that he spun you all sorts of things in order to win tour trust and sleep with you. This is despicable behaviour on his behalf.

I think PPs are correct in encouraging you to find some boundaries. I would suggest that you don't over invest in anyone until you have met them and feel confident that you both want the same things.

Don't feel ashamed. He is the guilty party and should be very shameful of his behaviour. Think of the wonderful person that you are and make sure that only special people will receive your kindness.

A lot of us know how the op is feeling right now. It is still early days.

I don't know if this is helpful but from my own past experience and the experiences of others, some men are very enthusiastic and then get cold feet.

It is very wrong for someone to be extremely intimate and confiding and then disappear; unkind and unfair. They need to have this pointed out to them.

I hope some men (maybe some women), who do behave like the op's date, are reading this and taking it all on board.

Good luck op.

In addition to those who get cold feet etc, there are men who actually enjoy devastating women. Like a cat and mouse game. It may not be a lot of them but I suspect there are more than we’d like to think. There are some very dark corners of the Internet where men work themselves up into a frenzy of believing women need punishing

I always visualise men showing the texts/messages to their work mates in the van & laughing, that always deters me. Then them going home to their wives.

How many women post on here , that their OH has been messaging OW?

Of course some are trustworthy, I can't be bothered to find out though.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so hurt.

Remember though that this was TWO events - meeting for the first time - and having sex for the first time. Both happened on the same date.

What other posters have said about the false intimacy feelings around online dating with the technology now is very true, the speed of it makes someone feel as if they've known somebody for ages because it's possible to contact someone (or many people at the same time) dozens of times a day. It's only when you meet somebody face to face that you can really get to know them.

Your mum and dad didn't have this sort of dating available; different times, different pressures, different scenario entirely. Try not to compare because you'll never have the same set of circumstances that they did.

The best advice I've seen is for people who are texting and doing online dating is to arrange to meet quickly - that way you - and they - can see and visualise a relationship in bud (or not - and no harm done).

Definitely drop the perception that you're having sex as some sort of 'gift' or investment, for want of a better term. It's not. Have sex for your pleasure as and when you want to - but don't bestow it as something with strings and expectations because that way lies heartbreak for you.

Because this all happened on one date, converged events, it feels so much more intense than it was but in reality, you owed each other nothing at all. He didn't measure up to what you wanted; perhaps that was mutual? He wasn't interested in prolonging the conversation but that doesn't mean it's a reflection on you.

Try not to take it personally. Dust yourself off and think about what you want from further dating - and define your personal boundaries to where you're comfortable with them. Protect yourself and don't allow your heart to go galloping off.

@Usedandhurt

Please ignore the one or two that are negative and horrible. It's not necessary for them to do that but some cannot help themselves.

Take care of yourself, pick yourself up and dust yourself down. You did nothing wrong just trusted what someone said and were hurt. Better to be a lovely person and give yourself and sadly get hurt than never give anything.

@Usedandhurt

I normally wait months before being intimate!- I just trusted him. He said he would never let me down! That I was a decent person. Lies!

Yes but you didn't wait for months this time . You had sex with someone you the first time you met with them . You just got hooked on the imaginary person you were chatting to . So what you had sex with him ? Move on and learn your lesson .

[quote Patbutcherismyhero]@category12 is there any need? Are you always the type of person who likes to stick the boot in? If so, evaluate why. [/quote]
I don't think so usually, I just found it rather frustrating/depressing that OP has this moral/emotional stance she claims, but as soon as it was put to the test by a bloke she liked, she dropped it completely. It's a case of "I have this boundary, but I'm going to completely ignore it because he said what I wanted to hear". Not my finest hour, I admit.

Op I was also thinking about you and your reaction to this. Do you feel any better today?

Can I ask gently did you preplan him to stay with you? Is that it, you basically agreed to have sex in advance because you thought he was in it for the long haul?

It doesn’t sound like this was a got carried away With lust thing to be honest. More a sort of colder pre arrangement and would explain your upset that he misled you and possibly why he made the Cowardly mistake of continuing as planned and not just saying to your face he was having doubts And ending the evening.

Overall I think maybe lessons learned for both of you. 💐

You always get the odd nasty message. Absolutely no need when it was blatantly obvious the op was struggling and came here for support. Shame on you.

Don't feel more low about yourself because of this thread , you don't know any of us , so you don't need to care about our opinions . No one has died , and you will feel better in time .
Focus on some lovely little things you can do and enjoy x. Delete the thread and have scented bath , watch a film or read a good book, eat something naughty and drink some Gin

@Frownette

You're posting on the wrong thread, please report your post.

Plenty of us have been here OP. You will put this behind you in time. Unfortunately many men are liars.

There aren't that many women who want NSA sex, and the OP clearly wasn't one of them.

Thars a problem for men who aren't in a relationship who do want sex.

So those men have to dupe women into gekueving they are entering into a relationship with them in order to get sex.

Would the OP have agreed to gave sex with this man if she knew he was goi g to stop contact and block her? Almost certainly not. She probably believed she could trust this man because of the amount of contact they had had prior to meeting up.

I've no idea why some people think it's all about what the man wants and the woman's feelings are irrelevant and it's all about the man being able to behave as badly as he wants.

OP - You might he upset and feeling used, but you will soon feel better and you will be less easily duped again. And at least you don't have to fake future relationships and lead people on in order to have sex!

There are a lot of men out there, as a previous poster pointed out, who get a kick out of treating women badly. It's very strange and dysfunctional. There's a good reason a lot of them are OLD - They need to meet strangers, not people who might be warned off by others against getting involved with them.

There aren't that many women who want NSA sex, and the OP clearly wasn't one of them

Gosh, how 1950s of you. I didn’t think people still existed who thought like this. Although I agree the op didn’t want no strings sex.