Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

As I said "category" to each their own but I imagine that most adults would prefer a less "behind the bike shed" approach to an adult relationship. Its an ending, I think I would have enough integrity to contact the person by phone at least. Its embarrassing to do less.

I have 2 sons in their late teens and Ive just asked them about this very scenario. One of them laughed out loud at it and asked what age the male was, the other said one of their friends had done something similar last year and still hadnt lived it down. He was apparently told to "invest in a pair"!.

I take great pride in the fact that I raised 2 responsible human beings who have integrity and pride in how they deal with people, I envisage the man in the ops scenario either wasnt taught it or didnt use it.

Im going to PM the OP I think, Op if you are reading this I hope thats ok, ignore me if you dont feel like chatting - no harm done!

Blunt is third time a charm, are you going to answer my question from earlier, would you feel empowered if some guy shagged you, decided nah, not for me and to spare your blushes decided to text you to tell you this rather than call you up and tell you?

Eh, no one “shags me” I’m an equal participant when I have sex and when I do so the I am in control of my body and I decide, and if the man in question decided he didn’t wish to see me again after then fair enough that’s his decision and right, just if I didn’t wish to see him again I have rhe absolute right to say no.

Can’t say I’d get all upset after one date if it was via text or phone call though, in fact after one date I think I’d rather a text than the cringe of a call to be honest.

A relationship yes, but not with a man I’d met once no.

@Charlotta20 my "agenda"??? You got me there Sherlock - I am paid by menfolk to go behind the enemy lines and comment on MN, disguised as a feminist too. I normally stick to S&B, but hey, I have to earn my keep sometimes...

And what about you? You seem awfully invested in this thread for a first time poster?

Positively saintly. I see messaging and online interaction as valid forms of communication. If they're OK for getting to know someone and sharing personal info, then they're OK for saying so long and thanks.

You, like the OP, really seem to have lost sight of the fact that this was a fortnight of texting, calls and a night of passion, not a grand love affair. It really doesn't warrant a big closure conversation.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you

Blunt and there lies the issue, YOU have decided that the OP doesnt get to decide if she was in a relationship with this man becasue she had only physically met him once. Because YOU wouldnt consider that a relationship then she is clearly over -reacting. So tell me, if you thought you were in a relationship and the guy did that to you - how would you feel?

I would be concerned at your lack of self-respect if you think its ok for someone to text you after something that mattered alot to you and end things rather than call you. But, you are you and entitled to allow yourself to be treated as you wish.

You dont get to decide at what stage the relationship was at in her head or any other part of her for that matter.

Tell me does it surprise you that the majority of other posters, 99% women I would say, believe that the OP was the injured party here.

Ana I have name changed for this post as I was off mumsnet for a while, I have however been around for penis beaker, lemon drizzle cake etc. Does that provide my calibre enough for you? As for my investment in this thread, yes I am, as I think the OP is getting a very hard time and I dont like it! I dont like this sort of behaviour off line either and Im very vocal about that there also if I see it. Luckily enough I dont come across it very often amount adults. I dont for one second think that you are paid by menfolk. I imagine you do this for free - which is worse.

Category not saintly at all, just normal, intelligent caring people.

Blunt and there lies the issue, YOU have decided that the OP doesnt get to decide if she was in a relationship with this man becasue she had only physically met him once

Are you reading a different thread? No I haven’t, I’ve been very clear that he had the right to change his mind about wishing a relationship.

The answer I gave was in relation to me personally.

Seriously what’s this bun fight about? My opinion is that he may have lied to her, he may have changed his mind. We don’t know. I’ve been really clear and I simoly cant see what’s contentious about that for some folks.

What's happened to the OP is way worse than a ONS with a stranger. In a ONS with someone you've just met, there's an unspoken agreement that it may not lead to anything further. You haven't necessarily swapped contact details.

I'd far rather not hear from a ONS again than be dumped by text the next day and then blocked by someine I felt I'd been getting to know well. And actually, the only ONS I've had got back in touch and we ended up dating for a bit.

"Blunt" I don't want to be accused of being old fashioned again, but your experiences and expectations do seem a little avant garde comiared to most women I know. I wouldn't actually want to want that hard and emotionless about relationships.

@Bluntness100

Ok let’s reverse the genders. Let’s say it’s me, female.

I’m on line dating. I start talking to a. Guy on line. He looks attractive and my type. We start messaging and proceed to phone calls and face time.

I think he’s really nice and could see myself with him. We open up to each other, talk about our families, our lives. Agree to meet quickly, as is rhe way with on line dating, so a date In two weeks.

I tell him I could see us having a serious relationship. Make a joke he’s met someone who cares about him. Send him a birthday gift. Throw myself into it and get excited.

We agree to meet for our date mid way. He has an apartment he can use to stay. I agree to stay with him. We talk about sex. We both say we only have sex when in relationships. Sext each other and Agree to have sex on our date.

Then I meet him, and I just don’t feel it.the way he dresses, talks, in real life it’s different. I don’t feel as attracted and have doubts. We go out for dinner and the doubts escalate, but he seems nice, and I go with it. Maybe it’s just first date nerves

I go back to the apartment, we have sex, it was a mistake, and found we aren’t compatible. I decide I can’t continue and don’t want to see him again. He’s coming on heavy about our special relationship. I feel a bit scared to be honest. And know I’ve made a mistake.

I take the cowards way out and don’t communicate as much rhe bext day. Hoping he will get the hint. He eventually asks me directly and I tell him it was a great night, but I don’t see us having a relationship. I’m sorry. He tells me he is upset and feels used etc. And I block him.

Was I a lying shitty con artist gagging for a shag who lied to him just to get sex?

Because you can take the facts and interpret them two ways. One he deliberately conned her to get laid. Or he just changed his mind on meeting.

Should he have told her. Absolutely. Don’t think anyone disputes that.

And thats exactly how this scenario could have been, you’re right. The likelihood it wasn’t though.

Even if it played out exactly as you described, the descent thing to go would be explain the situation and not take the cowards way out.

Regards the women feeling scared in your scenario- it’s unlikely a man would feel scared of a woman that he’s led on and who is questioning his motives. (In the same way, statistically it’s much more likely to be a woman that suffers domestic abuse at the hands of a man. So they are more vulnerable, therefore are likely to feel more scared.

That’s why I can’t see it being the way you described.

I agree a man's unlikely to be physically scared, but he might be thinking "oh god she's taken everything far more seriously than I expected, run away!"

It's quite easy to get all intense in the lead-up and anticipation and the cold light of day brings clarity.

Reversing the genders - any woman who did all that future faking and initiated all the relationship talking would scare off most men in reality. So when a man tries it, you do have to question their motives. Because most men (other than the obviously very clingy types) aren't like that, unless they are love bombing.

And then the discard is just too quick and abrupt to be unrehearsed. Rehearsed as in a tactic used many times.

There are so many rats on online dating. In my small city alone, in my 5 day sojounr on Tinder, before I deleted it, I recognised the following:

• a 42 year old man who is single because his wife divorced him because he was abusive towards her. He got back together with her after the younger woman he dumped her for left him, who left him because he was controlling and abusive and who he then stalked until the police were involved. He then suffered a depressive episode in which he made various threats against people including his work colleagues. He has been sacked from numerous jobs despite having a strong skills set and is currently unemployed because of this. In no way would I ever recommend anyone dating him in real life. He is highly unstable and possibly dangerous.

• Another man who is in a long term relationship with 3 children. Definately still together and not single.

• A 62 year old masquerading as a 54 year old, who was notorious for going to night clubs with his married friend (whom I also know!) and taking back many, many ONSs. I'd be really worried about catching something from him. Not into relationships, into sleeping with as many women as possible. Used his former business as a means of meeting women - I too got the text after he had fitted my carpet asking me out. I declined but he tried it again after adding me on FB years later. A really dirty, disgusting, unattractive man.

Thats only the ones I happen to know about. These men thrive on online dating.

If you didn't know what they were like, you might naturally believe whatever stuff they told you to get you to sleep with them.

Regards the women feeling scared in your scenario- it’s unlikely a man would feel scared of a woman that he’s led on and who is questioning his motives

I disagree, I didn’t mean physically scared. More nervous of what they would do. And I have a male friend who is doing old currently and has met some women who have behaved terribly.

One he met a few weeks ago, first date, few texts before hand, nothing more and he said he felt scared and came home and made sure all his doors and windows were locked.

He’s a six foot fit, well built police officer. The woman acted crazy, he texted his son back at one point on the date and she went nuts at him, accused him of texting other women, then started to cry. He’d read and sent one text.

Demanded they were now a couple and he had to come off old. Told a load of what was clearly fantasist stuff about herself. The list of things she did in the space of a couple of hours was deeply disturbing.

He wasn’t physically scared but he was worried she’d follow him home and do something disturbing. She then texted him the next day asking about their next date, when he tried to let her down gently, she fired him a barrage of angry abusive texts To him about leading her on.

And she’s not the only one he’s encountered like this whose behaved terribly. Yes of course there is mental health issues at play, but the point is men also can get a bit scared.

And it’s not relevant to the op, this is in response to the poster saying men don’t get scared. They do, just in a different way.

I've been reading this with interest, totally get the OP's feelings and respect to @Charlotta20's support and views. Some other opinions jump out at me as they sometimes do of being not from supportive people/women. If you are reading OP I hope you are feeling better, I'm so sorry how it turned out, I could write all day about dreadful dates, some actual dangerous people masquerading as good guys. Take care of you OP.

@Charlotta20

I agree with you. The OP wanted some support because she felt down and used.

Some people do love bomb and give the wrong impression. Online dating is odd and texting lots before meeting up feels like a connection. If someone says that they can see a future then some people take that to mean they really do see a future. Perhaps some people need to be careful what they say until they really mean it.

@Usedandhurt please ignore some of the nasty comments. There are lots of people that feel for you and some have been in similar positions. There is also merit to some of the ones looking at things from both viewpoints and some good tips.

Don't people also have a responsibility to themselves to go carefully and if something seems too good to be true, then stop and think maybe it is?

The timescale on this is so so short - two weeks and they're talking serious relationship, when they haven't even met? It's one of the basic red flags.

I mean, the "Nigerian prince" who wants to put a million pounds in your bank account is obviously the Bad Guy for being a scammer but should you really be giving out your bank details to a stranger?

If I'm crossing the road while talking on my phone and I get knocked down.... Do I not still deserve some sympathy for my injuries while recovering?

Obviously this should come alongside some gentle guidance " dont ever do that again!"... That's what some of the posters in this thread missed. The sympathy, empathy, compassion of offering some support to someone who was hurting.

I think you'd probably get less sympathy tho, if you persisted in saying "But I never cross the road while speaking on my phone!" despite the evidence to the contrary.

Hi all, I’ve read all responses and appreciate you all taking the time to give your opinion. I won’t be back but just wanted to say thanks to you all.

Am I correct in thinking that until that night they had never actually physically met but the OP thought she was in a relationship with him and they had only been texting Speaking on line for two weeks
If that’s correct how can anyone think that they are in a relationship with someone they have never physically met .
Even with arranged marriages the couple do actually physically meet each other before they marry .
I’m sorry for you OP that your first time on OLD was this but next time meet up as soon as possible and invest very little time in these initial meets

@im5050

Am I correct in thinking that until that night they had never actually physically met but the OP thought she was in a relationship with him and they had only been texting Speaking on line for two weeks If that’s correct how can anyone think that they are in a relationship with someone they have never physically met . Even with arranged marriages the couple do actually physically meet each other before they marry . I’m sorry for you OP that your first time on OLD was this but next time meet up as soon as possible and invest very little time in these initial meets

That’s a fair point, however - equally, he was fueling the fire so to speak. He didn’t need to be so intense himself. Ha he not acted like that, it’s unlikely OP would have come to the conclusion she did.