Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

nextones thank you - I’ve read your post a few times back to myself and it has helped me. I don’t feel good in myself and that is an issue but I’m aware of it and trying to change it. I feel terrible at the minute and when I read posts saying I had casual sex etc it bothers me.

Op please don't beat yourself up. You only had expectations because he led you to believe that with his countless texts and photos and engagement. If it had just been a quick shag he was looking for he should have been clearer about his intentions. I've had similar happen to me and it's extremely upsetting. Makes you feel like there must be something wrong with you but I'm sure that's not the case.

pat that’s exactly it!- I didn’t suddenly decide that this guy was pursuing me - it’s was a consistent effort on his part. He actually was annoyed when we first started interacting when he asked me if I was talking to anyone else online. When I answered yes he was annoyed!- asked me not to tell him as it upset him!

I said that he and I hadn’t met yet! - this wasn’t someone I met on a night out and brought home - this was someone I thought I had a relationship with.

Consistent effort is time spent together face to face over a period of weeks and months, dates, meals out, a bit of actual romance. Text messages and words are meaningless. What you have described is low effort and low investment on his part resulting in a fantasy relationship. Raise your expectations

chubby Time spent together would have been difficult we live 2 hours apart- there has been a national pandemic. I have received flowers from him / chocolates delivered. It may have been a fantasy but it seemed very real to me - have you read my posts? - did you mean to be cruel?

I'd agree with chubby except for one thing (although we probably mean the same thing), I'd say to lower your expectations. If you've never met someone you are not in a relationship with them. That's what the fantasy part has been, you've built up this ideal of an ongoing relationship that was not real.

No one knows how they feel about someone on the first meeting. No one can make commitment or guarantees past the new few hours. If you want to have sex on the first date then there is nothing wrong with that, but don't expect anything afterwards and don't expect it to be anything more than a physical act (hopefully a very enjoyable one).

@Usedandhurt how am I hurting you? You're hurt because you've had sex with someone who's discarded you since. I'm advising you to recognise normal things that forge the basis of a relationship so that it's less likely to happen to you again. Lockdown lifted weeks ago and two hours is nothing. Men travel further for sports events.

You are hurting me as you are suggesting that I had some culpability in the shitty way I was treated. I’m an honest person - he wasn’t. If I say something it’s true - I expected him to go the same.

I also understood that travel was limited - when I say we are 2 hours apart we are in different countries!

I don't think it's you at all, he's lured you in got what he wanted and that's it. Unfortunately a lot of men are only after one thing online dating, some will be upfront about it others will pretend there're not but are keen to invite you over on first date, this is always a red flag never do it unless you're using them too.
All you can do in future is insist on dates only and only go back to theirs when you've seen them a few more times, it will weed out those ones wanting just sex.

I haven’t disputed that it wasn’t real - the point I’m making is that I thought it was - pointing out to me that I was naive, stupid, gullible etc isn’t helping.

I’m hurt - I’m trying to get past it - I’m learning from it but kicking me isn’t doing any good. I don’t have a time machine- I wanted a hand hold is all.

The thing is OP nobody is trying to hurt you here. I understand you are hurting, but making you feel better by telling you that you had no agency is this is not actually going to help you at all. The problem with your approach is that you are not looking to learn, you will again and again fall into the same trap of "bad man who was after one thing only" rather than understanding that relationships take time to build and people are complex.

You have been given really good advice on this and I am not going to repeat it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are a grownup. Accept your part in this and learn from it. Follow the advice some people gave you and have sex later next time, or have sex early and don't attach so much value to it, but for pete's sake don't act like you are some maiden from a 17th century storybook that someone fed her sweet lies and took her virtue!

We’re all naive about how nasty men can be until it happens to us.

I’m furious with men who do this. They play on a woman’s niceness and probably enjoy hurting us.

It’s a harsh lesson that’s for sure

Utter bastards, they should be ashamed of themselves

You did nothing wrong except be too trusting, but until you discover how untrustworthy so many men are, how would you know?

My opinion of the majority of men had taken a massive nose dive since I’ve been single. I’m still hoping there’s a needle in the haystack though

@AnaViaSalamanca

The thing is OP nobody is trying to hurt you here. I understand you are hurting, but making you feel better by telling you that you had no agency is this is not actually going to help you at all. The problem with your approach is that you are not looking to learn, you will again and again fall into the same trap of "bad man who was after one thing only" rather than understanding that relationships take time to build and people are complex.

You have been given really good advice on this and I am not going to repeat it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are a grownup. Accept your part in this and learn from it. Follow the advice some people gave you and have sex later next time, or have sex early and don't attach so much value to it, but for pete's sake don't act like you are some maiden from a 17th century storybook that someone fed her sweet lies and took her virtue!

Excellent post. And people need to stop with this bad man shit.

He may have meant what he said at the time and the simply changed his mind and liked the op But just not enough for a relationship. Likely he didn’t understand the depth of her feeling for him as they’d never met and thought “I don’t do casual sex” was just a line since they had sex on the first date.

Understanding that relationships take time to build is critical here and that because someone says something doesn’t mean they can’t change their mind after one date, one year or even one decade.

There is no he said it so he needs to follow through irrelevant of how he feels and he was just a bad man conning you is all nonsense and doesn’t help the op at all.

Op, when I started OLD I was 6 months out of my marriage, which ended when I discovered he was having an affair. So I was pretty vulnerable and probably not in the right headspace for it but I felt I needed a self esteem boost.

The first man I met with had pursued me on the (paid) dating site I joined. He sent me quite a few messages and eventually I replied and got chatting with him. We met up and he seemed like a nice guy so we had a second date which went well and we slept together.

He then gradually ghosted me and when I asked him what was going on he said something about not being ready for a relationship.

I felt a little bruised, like you. I then met someone else who was also super-keen. Wanted to see me lots, made arrangements for a weekend away within the first few weeks, told me he's told his kids about me, etc. He came round for dinner one evening at the 6 week point and told me he felt the spark had gone and ended the relationship.

Basically I think some men (and women I'm sure) can get a little over excited at the beginning and get carried away and then realise that they have gone too fast too soon.

I certainly didn't beat myself up about it. Yes, I wallowed for a few days but then I decided that it was far more healthy and beneficial to learn from those events and to not make the same mistakes going forward. When I met my bf I was a little less naive and a little more tough around the edges and we have been together a year now. so don't give up...just take time out to reflect.

bluntness and anavia I’ve never once said I felt dirty for myself - or that I wasn’t learning. I have thanked posters repeatedly for taking the time to respond.

I’m not going to keep defending myself to either of you. I was duped, led on whatever- I thought we were starting a relationship- a special one at that.

Im not from the 17th century with a virtue to maintain - I’m a person in 2020 who was honest and experienced red the same in return- sex is not a transaction for me - it’s how I express something to someone.

Thanks to all again for responding

OP you always take a chance when you start a relationship. He could have contacted you afterwards, said he had a great time, you would have met again, he could have told you he lived you, and then ghosted you and you would then have felt even worse.

The point is you need to set your own limits based on what YOU are comfortable with, not based on the promises that a stranger give you.

In this case, it wasn't comfortable for you to have sex with someone if there were going to be no tomorrow, so you shouldn't have.

Don't stop online dating but be clear on your parameters. Accept that very very few men will ever consider being in a relationship with someone they haven't even met yet. Indeed, appearances matter much for most people.

Dating is something you take one step at a time at the speed that suits you. Lesson learned, not the end of the world, move on with a smile and accept the learning experience.

I also think Anavia’s post is spot on.

Yes @AnaViaSalamanca is dead right.
The thing you have to realise is you can't control the way men behave. You can only control yourself and what you allow to take place. Words like 'duped' and 'led on' just put you in the position of victim which you're not. You're a grown woman who wanted to have sex and he's a grown man who decided you were not for him. It's not a crime.

The OP is hurt and upset that this has happened and is trying to come to terms with it. It is all very fresh to her and she did have feelings for this man, I think maybe we could start being a little kinder, some of us are more sensitive to this than others and she said herself she has been upset through the night.

Agree with @AnaViaSalamanca to an extent but I still think blocking and ignoring the op is pretty shitty. There is some useful but brutal advice here (as always) but it's not always easy to be objective when you are hurting and feeling rejected. I'm sure the op will eventually learn from this and move forward but right now it's quite sad to see people kicking her when she's down.

I thought we were starting a relationship- a special one at that

But op, that’s the point. So might he have done. And as the evening went on he realised he wasn’t. And decided against it.

Let’s face it, if he just wished a shag. He could have got one a hell of a lot easier than this.

It’s not about you, it’s just in real life he wasn’t feeling it as much and that’s fine. Yes he may have been a con artist who was lying to you and duping you for sex, or simply he liked you but felt a relationship would not work when you met in real life.

Seems to me like some men like the thrill of the chase and fresh meat and it’s a numbers game. Once the deeds done, on to the next.

The can’t say ‘just looking for sex’ so they have to put the ground work in to get the reward and that’s all they wanted.

Of course men can change their minds, but the clue is in the fact he went off her as soon as they had sex, literally.

Some ppl like the chase though. If it were about an easy shag there are plenty of ppl on apps just looking for hookups.

As the night went on, if he decided against it, he should have told her he wasnt feeling it. Not shagged her anyway.

The only way he is absolved of being a dickhead after the way he acted, is if the sex itself was so bad that it put him off a relationship. Which is possible. But let's face it, unlikely. And presumably op would have had an incline herself if this was the route of the issue.

Not saying the op made the brightest choice but I really don't get why this agenda of his behaviour as being acceptable or above board is being pushed. Because it wasn't.