Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

I imagine he knew from meeting me that night that he didn’t want anything going forward try not to read this into the situation OP - you honestly do not know this at all. A date is a whole experience, and he is allowed to have reflected on that for a few days and then decide that he didn't want to proceed. Try not to delve too deep into victimhood on this one, it feels good in the moment but it will hurt you more in the long run.

He could have called me the next day and told me straight he didn’t want a relationship with me -- I know, I get that. But can you see that it's a very awkward situation for him? He knew you'd be upset and he's only human and was trying to avoid it.

He was honest with you in the end, he probably did the best he could.

Can I gently gently suggest that a lot of your hurt and pain here, is because you feel embarrassed that you didn't listen to your gut when he came on so strong, and that you allowed yourself to get swept away even when your instincts tried to warn you?

You aren't a victim here my love, you had agency and had a little red flag feeling that you ignored in this specific situation. Next time around, you won't do that, and that's positive. It's a hard knock but it's one that will be positive for you in the long run.

Try not to look at him as a monster - it will distract you from the work you need to do on yourself - and it will also set you up for more and more crap feelings as they relate to dating. Rather see yourself as the strong woman you are, take it on the chin, and concentrate on yourself and what you'll do differently next time. xx

@rvby

Maybe my opinion does have problems and issues but I'm trying to help the OP and I'm not laughing at anyone else. I didn't come on here to argue, I was just trying to help.

Think you need a bit of TLC and cheering up OP. It's shit. That's what it is and feels horrible. How about going out for a good long walk to get some wind in your sails? This is a lesson and you won't make the mistake again so the hardest part is over. It's onwards and upwards now and you need to show yourself how smart you are at not letting this guy spoil your chances of a nice relationship by letting this incident make you feel bad - think of the long haul - you are OK, just rusty and learning the ropes like everyone else.

Make a plan that puts you in control on the assumption (as people have pointed out here) that you need to bring a bit of savviness to the game. Men lie, women lie, have different ideas on things, have changing expectations - you too. Once ypu accept that, it is dliberating and then you can make a real list of what you want and are looking for and you will narrow in on those who have it. And it will be fun!

I agree that trusting, vagueness and abstract ideas and a persona to match is tempting but you can only realistically carry that off at a young age. At middle age you need to show who you are a bit more and for dating, it needs to be clear, else guys will hide their intentions in your ambiguities and you will suffer.

I am the same btw and I would feel the same so it is as much about taking the advice others offer to protect yourself from the sharks aswell as having self knowledge. Don't wallow in it - get up and make a plan and dust the detritus of this dirtbag off your boots and look forward.

I'd say the way you behave after you've changed your mind is what counts. Yes, of course anyone is free to realise that this person is not what they thought or what they want. But then the onus is on them to extricate themselves with just a jot of understanding for what the other person may feel.

I agree especially after all the shared outpourings.

If it was a ONS then a text would suffice but he knew the OP would be hurt. It is so immature not to disentangle himself with grace.

I have blocked people myself in my 20s but I’m in my 40s now and think so little of adults who do this. Imagine if this was your naive daughter or sister? Would you say that he did nothing wrong and suck it up?

@rvby - still naive. I've known men like this.

[quote LadyH846]@rvby - still naive. I've known men like this.[/quote]
...Many of them married.

I think a text is much kinder and allows you to feel rubbish and then collect yourself, I think ringing someone up to tell them you aren't feeling it, don't want a relationship and never want to see them again is a lot worse. Different if you have been in a long-term relationship.

He didn't do anything wrong, but you do need to protect yourself more if you are the type of person who tends to get emotionally invested early on especially after sex. Not everyone does. Next time definitely spend time getting to know him face to face over the longer term.

I’m fairly ok at standing up for myself - the issue is that I let my barriers down. It could well be that I’m embarrassed- though it feels more like Shame to me.

I’m not a weakling - I’ve survived abuse and sexual assault hence my openness and being non judgmental- I know how it feels to be isolated.

I feel played- he was a different man the next day!- not the kind caring person he’d portrayed before - not the you can tell me anything I have your back can’t wait for you to meet my family person I’d seen up to now.

Maybe I should not have been physical with him but I felt safe doing so!- he Previously promised that he would never let me down and it felt right!.

I need to step away from the thread now I think - I appreciate all your advice it’s just I feel very low and need to try to distract myself from it. Thanks again for your kindness and caring - it’s hit me through some very dark hours today.

I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed about. He's the one who should be feeling like an idiot. Very silly to be saying all that stuff he did and then ignore you afterwards.

Some men enjoy the chase but not the capture.

Take care OP and I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel worse, that wasn't my intention at all.

I don’t think anyone was intentionally trying to upset me in this forum - I’ve taken on board what you have all kindly taken the time to tell me.

I’m raw with it. Tell me to harden up or whatever - but I’m sore - I feel used! - rightly or wrongly I do.

I clearly have self esteem issues - I don’t deny that- I was single for almost 2 years prior to OLD - it took such courage to put myself out there - I was so happy to have met someone who seemed to be so lovely.

I hate reading these things. There was almost an identical thread last week. This happens to even the most beautiful women. There are men cruising for easy lays online all the time. They are adept at making women feel special and saying all the right things to get them into bed. You don't feel good now and if you keep sleeping with men early doors and the same thing keeps happening ( which in most cases it will) your self esteem will be on the floor and you'll leave yourself wide open to abusers and narcissistic men. It's also true that some men actually do believe what they are saying when they are trying to sleep with you but in the cold light of day they feel different.
The way to avoid this in future is to not sleep with men you just met. It's emotional suicide unless you have very high self esteem which you clearly don't. Wait at least ten dates. You need to give yourselves both time to see if there's any real basis for a relationship. See them once a week. Don't travel to men on the first date. If he's interested he will come to you. I dated a ton before I met my husband and never ever travelled to anyone. I also didn't chat online or text a lot to avoid men intimacy faking which is another tactic to get you into bed fast. Everyone had 4-6 messages only to suggest a date or my number and then I only replied to messages about date logistics/ plans. Nobody dated me by text message or video call prior to meeting or after. Nothing replaces real life interactions over a period of time.

Anyway - dwelling isn’t helping. I hope I will be able to return to the dating scene at some stage. I also hope I meet someone decent who appreciates me for who I am and I them!- thanks all!!

I was single for almost 2 years prior to OLD - it took such courage to put myself out there - I was so happy to have met someone who seemed to be so lovely.

Stick with OLD but get yourself a better dating strategy. I met my husband online. Try this book. I found it no nonsense and brilliant. The author is also a lovely and successfully married woman.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Date-Single-Dating-Manual/dp/1911175114

You are not repulsive and he clearly just did not want a relationship and was not honest about that. Also please don't be ashamed. You had sex and there is nothing wrong with that. He sounds like a twat.

He is a waste of space and you are so much better than that. It was a mistake. Time to forgive yourself and look forward. Just another learning curve and you are well rid of him!

Op I don't think you have issues , it's natural to feel this way ,How Was it with you were with him? Did it feel natural and mutual and good ?

Sending hundreds of texts and sending family photos etc doesn't to me seem like going for an easy lay like some have said, it takes time to send all those messages, if they just want a ONS why dont these men go to pubs etc and pull in the old fashioned way

Yes but what it feels like to you and the reality are two different things. Lots of messaging creates a false sense of intimacy. It's what happens in real life that matters.
Ok so it's not worked out. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take the lesson and accept that casual sex is not for you and that you need to get to know someone properly first.

I've just been burned like this too. Totally lovebombed. Look up 'future faking'. If you're on Facebook, I highly highly recommend a group called 'Loving me After We with Ginger Dean.' It's all about working on loving yourself before looking for a relationship.

I promise you will feel better soon. I felt horrific for the first week, but I got through it, and you will too x

I should imagine he is married or has a partner, and happened to have that night off.

It is disgusting, and Im not suprised you feel so awful, he knew what he was doing, Im sure.

I know someone at work, she has previously 'hooked up' with men via an online dating app, they usually arrange to see her at around 17.30, turn up in their work gear, then go home to their wife for tea I presume.

That shocked me.

Hi - just to say thanks again- I’m still upset but I’m starting to feel a bit of anger now. He is not the person I thought he was.

My worry over whether I repulsed him is still there but that’s more a self esteem issue. He isn’t tall with a six pack and a full head of hair! . Small bald and skinny actually and it didn’t matter to me as I liked him as a person. I’m taking steps to address my self esteem and improve it. Hardly slept for crying last night - woke up wrung out today.

I think I’m a good person- it’s a pity he didn’t appreciate that . To everyone going through the same thing- it’s awful but we will get through it!

OP you told him you didn't do casual sex and then had casual sex!

Honestly, and I really, really mean this! You DIDN'T repulse him, he was able and willing to have sex with you. He even said he enjoyed the evening. I know when you've got low self esteem it's easy to go there, but there are many potential reasons why he did what he did. I didn't come to the conclusion at all, at any stage in your posts that he did what he did because you were undesirable. And I don't think anybody did.

It's a sign to work on your self esteem. This is not personal, you are still you, with all the different qualities and values that make you who you are.

No - I told him I don’t do casual sex - and I don’t. I felt I was starting a relationship with him - the meeting up physically but was to me just a formality. We had been speaking every day for hours- I saw photos of his mum and dad, his daughters and siblings. I saw a photo of a card his youngest sent to him telling him what a great dad he was. He called me and sang happy birthday to me down the phone the day before I slept with him! Presented me with a gift when I met him.

Are you suggesting that I deserved to be treated this way as I was physical with a guy I felt close to who told me we would be together that I could trust him etc?